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Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 3:50:02 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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This turned up in my "strange solicitation emails from random strangers" file on another site.

"What's your philosophy of BDSM?"

While I'm not inclined to respond to spam and didn't bother to send a reply, this one stuck out for me. Even if I felt like answering, my response would be something incoherent, along the lines of "Say wha?" The question is so vague I don't know how to answer.

However, it did get me thinking. What's a BDSM philosophy? Do people have those? I'm sure some do since I've seen books on the Leather culture and on BDSM as a spiritual practice. However, I'm equally sure there are plenty of people whose philosophy could be summed up as "I'm here for the kinky sex" or "I just do what feels right." (All of the options are valid, IMO.)

I was left wondering if I have a BDSM philosophy? I might have one, but it's just not something I think about enough to articulate. If I do, it's probably more of a general philosophy that I apply equally to WIITWD and to vanilla aspects of my life.

I thought the subject might make an interesting discussion topic. So here goes. I'm leaving the question intentionally open-ended so people can post whatever they think about it.

What's your BDSM philosophy and how did you develop it/grow into it?

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 4:24:25 PM

juliaoceania

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quote:

This turned up in my "strange solicitation emails from random strangers" file on another site.

"What's your philosophy of BDSM?"

Wow, I had the same email on here a few days ago! I told him to read my posts on here to see what it is

I wish I could answer this question. I wrote a page or so of commentary, and then realized, without a partner it is really hard to talk about a philosophy...

My overarching desire is to be a Daddy's girl again, because it suits my personality, but when I started writing my response, it came off like so many of my posts that are saying what I desire in a mate... and then it hit me, for me my BDSM (D/s) philosophy has developed in relation to other people, namely the dominants I have been involved with. Currently I have no partner, so I feel as though any philosophy I might impart is incomplete... because I need my mate to direct that for me.

I do not know if that makes any sense, but the way a relationship works is two people develop it, and since I do not play outside of a relationship I do not have my very own personal philosophy, it is something I develop with a partner

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 4:37:24 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

This turned up in my "strange solicitation emails from random strangers" file on another site.

"What's your philosophy of BDSM?"

Wow, I had the same email on here a few days ago! I told him to read my posts on here to see what it is

LOL, awesome.

If I had the same sort of posting history in my blog on that site as I do on this one, I could have done something similar. Alas, it's not so.

quote:

... and then it hit me, for me my BDSM (D/s) philosophy has developed in relation to other people, namely the dominants I have been involved with.

That makes perfect sense and I think it's a great way to go about it.

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Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 4:45:16 PM

Hillwilliam

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I fuck, therefore I am.

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 4:46:05 PM

MrHCurious

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In short, have fun and laugh a lot. That's been doing the trick so far.

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 5:29:51 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

I fuck, therefore I am.

You're a regular fukin Socrates, man. Good on you.

quote:

In short, have fun and laugh a lot.

Is that a general life philosophy, or is it specific to BDSM? I can see how it would apply to both.

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Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 8:02:25 PM

catize

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I've asked that question. There is no right or wrong answer, what I'm looking for is an articulate response showing some thought was put into it.

edited 'cuz I can't spell or type tonight!

< Message edited by catize -- 6/19/2011 8:10:30 PM >

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 8:06:10 PM

TreasureKY

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

What's your BDSM philosophy and how did you develop it/grow into it?

I don't really see that as such an odd question. I don't have a "BDSM" philosophy... because I don't consider myself into BDSM... but I did post my life philosophy and how I saw that fitting in with a potential partnership on my profile (currently hidden). It was really just a brief explanation of how I viewed life and relationships. It turned out to be beneficial when looking for a partner for me.

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 8:07:00 PM

LillyBoPeep

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I tend to ask this question, too -- for me, the "philosophy" is just what the person believes about BDSM, or what motivates him; does gender play a role in it for you?; do you expect TPE immediately (to reference another thread)?; i'll usually ask the question and then elaborate on it a little bit so that it's not too vague.
i basically ask it for the reason catize mentioned -- just to see how much thought has gone into it for them, and also to see if our beliefs on it are similar.
in a way, it's an opener to talk about "general life philosophy," too; people usually take it off onto tangents, which is nice. it's nice to get a glimpse at what is going on in the head of the person you're c-mailing with. =p

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 8:43:26 PM

SylvereApLeanan

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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

I've asked that question. There is no right or wrong answer, what I'm looking for is an articulate response showing some thought was put into it.

I don't think I've ever been asked before, at least not in those words. I tend to engage in a lot of conversation about a wide variety of topics, so I've probably related the same information in other ways if I've been corresponding with the person for awhile.

So what's your personal philosophy and how did it evolve? Assuming you feel comfortable sharing, that is.

quote:

I don't really see that as such an odd question.

I probably wouldn't have found it odd if I'd had some type of contact with the person prior to that message. It was one of those lovely one-liners from out of the blue without any introduction or context provided.

quote:

I did post my life philosophy and how I saw that fitting in with a potential partnership on my profile (currently hidden). It was really just a brief explanation of how I viewed life and relationships. It turned out to be beneficial when looking for a partner for me.

I can see how that would help. If someone phrased it that way - how do I see BDSM fitting into my life or a partnership - then that at least gives some context and I could work with it.

quote:

for me, the "philosophy" is just what the person believes about BDSM, or what motivates him; does gender play a role in it for you?; do you expect TPE immediately (to reference another thread)?

That makes sense. I like specific questions; they're much easier to answer. If you feel comfortable sharing, how would you answer if someone asked you those questions?

< Message edited by SylvereApLeanan -- 6/19/2011 8:46:03 PM >

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 10

RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 9:00:55 PM

LanceHughes

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Life philosophy spans WIITWD.

One of my "hardest-to-follow" ethical principles is "Do not make others decisions for them." Try doing that for a day - WILL knock you for a loop. Jim- I'd like to go to lunch at XYZ cafe. What do you think? As opposed to Jim, let's go to XYZ cafe for lunch.

Basically it's let the other person ALWAYS have a face saving exit.

2nd ethical principle: Almost always use "I" statements. Why? Cuts down on defensive arguments....

3rd: Do NOT do unto others what you would NOT have them do to you. Once upon a time, I saw Golden Rule translated from like 15 or 20 other languages / religions. ONLY the one Christian on said : Do unto others what you had have done unto yourself.

I was struck by the fact of Christian missionaries are "out there" trying to convert others becasue they want to be Christians, therefore (obviously) others want to be Christian.

This thrid rule ties closely with first.

BDSM - WOW! negotiate what is going to happen = ALL three ruls, especially when you thrown in "safe words." Rule 3 is : YKINNMK = your kink is not necessarily my kink.

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 9:22:19 PM

LillyBoPeep

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

quote:

for me, the "philosophy" is just what the person believes about BDSM, or what motivates him; does gender play a role in it for you?; do you expect TPE immediately (to reference another thread)?

That makes sense. I like specific questions; they're much easier to answer. If you feel comfortable sharing, how would you answer if someone asked you those questions?

I'll try to respond without too much rambling. =p In my "philosophy," gender is inconsequential; i don't believe in anything like "men are supposed to lead, women are supposed to be submissive," because those are very outdated, limiting ideas based on other outdated, limiting ideas. =p i also believe that love can exist in a power exchange relationship, and for me, it's necessary for something truly long-term. I don't believe that it's realistic to expect TPE straight out of the gate, because each interaction with a new person is different in some way from whatever came before, so it's important to get to know each other and figure out a version of things that works in this particular instance.

personally, while i describe myself as a "little girl," that's only a reflection of my general personality, and has nothing to do with wanting ageplay, regression, or a D/lg relationship, in fact i would probably actually run away from a straight-up D/lg relationship. i use the title to give people an idea of what i can be like (happy-go-lucky, and silly, and always in the company of a Hello Kitty lip gloss ring =p), but i've thought about dropping it because people form some odd misconceptions.

ANYWAY, i also don't believe in "submission is a gift." i believe power exchange relationships are about people being honest with each other, being honest about who they are, and working together towards some common goal. for me, it's more about the natural interaction between two people; how the energy of the other prompts you to respond. without that, no amount of protocol is going to make it "real" for me.

i'm a masochist, but also service-oriented (to allude to another thread) and my motivation for S&M is generally a mix of both. in a non-S&M sense, i'm still pretty service-oriented, but i think a lot of people make a mistake in assuming that service is the only need a person has. i function a lot better with a little bit of acknowledgement; not to say i need a trophy and a shrine dedicated to me every time i do the dishes, but a smile or a pat on the head (seriously) can totally make my day.

i'm also more compatible with people who can, for lack of a better word, be "normal" sometimes. =p being into BDSM doesn't mean i'm against cuddling, or going for walks or visiting a museum together, too. i view it as a way to build up a relationship, but with a more holistic view of mixing the "vanilla" and "kink" into "just what we do." it actually kinda bothers me to talk about it in a dualistic sense because i don't think of if that way in my own mind; it's all part of "life" to me.

[/novel]

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"Obey your Master." Metallica

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 9:26:55 PM

catize

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quote:

So what's your personal philosophy and how did it evolve? Assuming you feel comfortable sharing, that is.

I don't mind sharing at all!
D/s for me is about compatibility. I am in this because it fulfills me. I don't agree to anything until I get to know someone. Once I have agreed to submit, I abide by my promise.
While I take my submission seriously, I believe it should be fun for both of us.
I have limits and I own them. That is to say, whether I am in a D/s relationship or not, my limits remain the same.
I am a masochist; if I want pain play I have no problem asking for it; I do not act bratty to get what I crave.
I don't do punishment, if I have angered or annoyed someone, I expect him to discuss it with me and it won't happen again.
And this is a fairly new philosophy (thanks to posts by Leadership), when something is asked of me that is difficult or I am 'not on the mood' I remind myself that the dominant is 'the Boss of me' and I am able to find satisfaction in doing his will.

This is by no means a complete summary, but is the gist of what makes D/s fun for me.
It has evolved with time and experience; it is still evolving!

PS I would find it strange too as a stand alone question. When I ask, it is because things have progressed to a point of 'potential'.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Post #: 13

RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 9:31:04 PM

HisPet21

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I wouldn't say I have a philosophy of BDSM...but I probably have a philosophy of submission. It's by no means complete, as I am still blundering around with my SO, trying to figure out exactly what kind of dynamic we want to establish.

But I guess I'd have to sum up the reasoning, or philosophy behind my submission, as follows: When you truly love someone, you make a promise to yourself that you will do everything in your power to make them happy and to help them achieve their goals. They become, above and beyond any of your own goals or desires, your number one priority. And, ultimately, that means giving your self to them, refusing to reject them, and doing whatever you can to make life work out. As a result of this mindset, I find I am naturally submissive. If a massage makes him happy, he gets it. If he wants sex, he gets that too, even if I am not in the mood. If he needs me to do something for him, it gets done. Love, for me, entails and requires service. Obedience comes from trust, that the one you love will never hurt you, will only ask you to do things that make you uncomfortable if he needs them done and knows you'll be safe, and that he has everyone's best interests at heart.

Also, kinky sex is awesome!

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/19/2011 9:39:56 PM

catize

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quote:

ANYWAY, i also don't believe in "submission is a gift." i believe power exchange relationships are about people being honest with each other, being honest about who they are, and working together towards some common goal. for me, it's more about the natural interaction between two people; how the energy of the other prompts you to respond. without that, no amount of protocol is going to make it "real" for me.

I forgot that one!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/20/2011 12:19:02 AM

HannahLynHeather

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quote:

What's your BDSM philosophy and how did you develop it/grow into it?

fuck, that's a toughie alright.

i'm going to answer from the pov of the dominant in a relationship because that's where the fuck my head is these days.

first of all, to me it has to be part of an ongoing romantic relationship. its just shit in my mind otherwise. i can engage in bdsm type activities with women i'm not in love with, but without the love its just fucking kinky sex. fun as hell, but not within the scope of a philosophy.

i see my main purpose as ensuring the two of us are as fucking happy as i can arrange. sex-wise i do what i want most of the time, but outside of the fucking, if anything heather's well being is more important than mine. she's the focus of my life, so as her domme, i am focused on her as well, i can't see how the fuck it could be otherwise. and that's the way it should be in my mind. when i am faced with a decision, i go with what will be best for her. she's entrusted herself to me, and i take that responsibility very fucking seriously. it's my job to make sure she has the best fucking life i can give her.

this developed pretty much as a reaction to my experiences with the ex-mistress. she was the fucking opposite. it was all about what was best for her. i felt fucking cheated by the relationship. i couldn't go forward as a person. there was a fucking indifference to the way she dealt with me. for example; when i had an issue or problem, instead of talking about it, she'd let it fester for weeks sometimes. she'd prohibit me from even fucking mentioning it. i had to wait till she decided to allow me to fucking discuss it. she was also very fucking worried about her position. she felt the need to continuously assert her fucking dominance, rather than to exercise it. hope the difference here is clear.

she was a lousy fucking domme. so i used her as a sort of negative template. i knew the way she did things fucking sucked, so i set out to develop a philosophy that was the opposite of hers. whatever the fuck she didn't do, i would do, and what she did, i fucking well wouldn't. she didn't gave a rat's ass about my well being or happiness, so i made that the central tenet of my approach. she was overly concerned that she always be fucking superior to me, so i decided that we'd be equals. i'm in charge, but we are fucking partners in this. we work together. she was fucking obsessed with appearances, so i decided that i wouldn't give a fuck about them. i felt like i wasn't appreciated, so i make fucking sure heather knows she is.

that's the way i approach this weird fucking thing we do. it's not exactly the stereotypical philosophy, but i go by what life teaches me. so far it seems to be working out just fucking fine.

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/20/2011 1:45:29 AM

VaguelyCurious

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FR

This isn't something I've ever been asked, but thinking about it now I've come up with a few things:

---

General things that I'm comfortable casting as 'you' statements:

Find people with whom you interact in a way that makes both of you happy. Interact only with people you value and people who value you.

Take reasonable precautions not to damage them or yourself, and make sure that everyone involved understands whatever risks are left after those precautions.

Don't sweat too much about labels. Just be what you are to each other, whether or not you've got the words for it. (This is where I think the internet does us a disservice.)

---

More specific things that are very much 'I' statements:

My kink is (mostly) not about force or resistance; it's about people doing as I tell them either because they want to or because I want them to. My partners do not struggle, they give in beautifully.

I have d/s dynamics where my partner sees a raised eyebrow and stops without having to be told, let alone hit; for me personally, I'd view having to have a punishment dynamic as a failure, I think.

I need partners who can laugh when they're in pain. This is very much an expression of joy for me, and I need them to be able to share in that.

---

I think that's the lot.

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RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/20/2011 2:31:46 AM

sunshinemiss

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My philosophy is ... hmmm.... well I suppose it may change at times but generally it's the same as my life philosophy...

If you aren't harming anyone, and you are happy, have at it.

That's about it.

I could wax on about what harm is and what happiness is, but that is generally it. I may not sound particularly intellectual about it, but I can live with that. If a random stranger asked me this, I don't think I'd answer it. If a dude I was on a date with asked, sure, it would fall within the "are we compatible" category. If a friend of mine were thinking about it, we'd discuss it.

But really, it's not any more complicated than that.

best,
sunshine

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Post #: 18

RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/20/2011 4:05:17 AM

Arieno

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Your words,"i also believe that love can exist in a power exchange relationship, and for me, it's necessary for something truly long-term."

I am neither a regular nor dominant; however I find it interesting how very often your comments parallel my thinking…

< Message edited by Arieno -- 6/20/2011 4:06:38 AM >

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Post #: 19

RE: Got Philosophy? - 6/20/2011 4:07:57 AM

Kana

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2 words.
1-Obey
2-Suck

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Post #: 20

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