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Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 1:09:37 PM   
TxBoy


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		Vanilla sexual partner has agreed to explore but has stated that she gets no sexual energy from the thought of it. I am inclined to politely decline the activities since it would seem to be of no use to either of us? Anyone else encounter this situation?
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 1:14:39 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		If I stopped playing with other people, and MP stepped in as 'going along with it', I'd probably hang it up.

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 1:15:19 PM   
CastlesKT


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/10/2011
Status: offline 		Well how is she suppose to know if she likes it until she has experienced a bit. Maybe she will love it, maybe not. Nothing ventured nothing gained. I'm just wondering about your not wanting to try??? IF you try and it doesn't work then... mehhh

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 1:16:08 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline 		It depends on what you are seeking to get from the experience.  I think it is quite caring of her to be willing to participate in an activity that she gets nothing from.

This said, you describe yourself as submissive.   Offering yourself to her as a service submissive may interest her, not so much sexually but women do enjoy being pampered.  If she takes control, she gets to dictate what you are to do.   Such as message her, bathe her while not being allowed to touch her sexually, etc.  If you enjoy a good spanking or something of that nature, perhaps you need to earn that pleasure by serving her.

While sex is often a part of BDSM, there's a LOT more to it than sex and sexual gratification.

(in reply to TxBoy)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 1:22:39 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I am a submissive who lives with her Dominant 24/7.  We don't do what we do as a sexual turn on.  In fact, what we do has nothing to do with sex.  We don't use BDSM as a prelude to sex.  Yet, we love our life together as Dom and sub. 

I do understand that for many sex is a very important part of all this.  It's just not that way with us. 

It comes down to different strokes for different folks.  If you can accept that your partner might get a lot of enjoyment out of certain activities without having to be turned on by it, then this might work.  If you insist that all your play must be sexually oriented, then it probably won't work. 

Why don't you at least give it a try?  It may work for both of you, each in a separate way. 

(in reply to TxBoy)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 1:25:04 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		You sound pretty blah about it as well. So like why bother?

BadOne

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 2:00:47 PM   
TxBoy


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		Not blah at all - part of submitting for me is the bringing of pleasure to my partner by that submission. She says she will get satisfaction by making me happy - and while that is extremely admirable it's disconcerting for me....I guess the guy that changes the oil on my  cars get satisfaction from a job well done...don't feel our sex life should operate on that tenet. I may just give it a go....worst case we decides it's not gonna work...best case - she finds that she has a kinky side she isn't aware of....that did cross my mind.....maybe she secretly does want to explore....but not admit it?

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 2:02:59 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i think you should give it a go anyway.

the thing is sometimes people are a bit awkward or unwilling to admit stuff about themselves, some are in total denial and some have been fantasising for ages about it but would deny it all the way.

sometimes they want to be nudged whilst stateing categorically that it wont ever turn them on. point is, she didnt scream 'FREAK' and run away screaming.  that kinda says alot already. 

she may swear blind she isnt turned on but its easy enough to tell if she is. 

you wont know till you try.  assuming that is that youre going to take things gently to start with.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 2:15:05 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		And sometimes you try thinks that don't appeal in theory and discover that they do send you.
The idea of wax play intrigued him, but left me blah. I agreed to try it, with an old towel down to protect my Egyptian cotton sheets.

The experience left him going blah, and me going "Do it again, do it again!". Not at all the end result either of us expected.

With that said, if you insist on her getting the emotion you demand she gets from the experience, then aren't you topping her instead of submitting? If she decides to do this, because she enjoys seeing her partner happy, or because she enjoys causing pain, or because it turns her on, the important thing is that it is her decision to do so, for reasons which are good and sufficient to her.

Sometimes play between is all about my orgasms, when he decides it should be that way. And sometimes it's just about his desire to make my nipples sore, and sometimes it's all about his orgasm. He decides when. Now I can ask for things, or tell him what I'm in need of, and he will take that into consideration. Because that's what caring people do for their partners.


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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 2:29:57 PM   
TxBoy


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		I am trying really hard not to turn this into a buffet menu of my kinky desires (of which there are many). I will give it a go....with an open mind - and who knows - it might work.

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 2:44:08 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy

Not blah at all - part of submitting for me is the bringing of pleasure to my partner by that submission. She says she will get satisfaction by making me happy - and while that is extremely admirable it's disconcerting for me..... I may just give it a go....worst case we decides it's not gonna work...best case - she finds that she has a kinky side she isn't aware of....that did cross my mind.....maybe she secretly does want to explore....but not admit it?


Hmmmmm, sounds to me like you're trying to force her to do something that YOU want.  That doesn't sound like a particularly submissive approach to me.  In fact, it's probably the exact definition of "topping from the bottom". 

You say that you want to bring pleasure to your partner by submission.  Well, have you ever thought that you can be a vanilla submissive?  IMO, submission has nothing to do with butt plugs, or chastity devices, or strap-ons, or floggers, or whatever else you may be fantasizing about.  That stuff is the icing, but it's not the cake.  And far too often, I see potential subs confusing the cake with the icing.

My version of submission is a bit different than what most guys view as submission.  It has nothing to do with any of the toys/activities I mentioned above.  Instead, it's all about placing her needs/wants/desires/happiness ahead of my own.  If she wants to go out to dinner, then we do.  If she wants me to cook, then I do.  If she wants a massage after work, then I give her one.  If she wants to watch Lifetime, then we watch Lifetime.  If she says that she wants to go to a particular movie/play/concert/museum/gallery, then I buy tickets.  If she wants sex, then we have sex.  If she doesn't want sex, then we don't have sex.  If she wakes me up in the middle of the night and says "I want some hot Krispy Kremes", then I get out of bed, get dressed, and go get her some hot Krispy Kremes.

I know that it doesn't sound particularly kinky, but it's how I define submission.  To me, submission is merely subordinating my desires, and making her's the priority.  So the idea of trying to coerce your girlfriend into doing something that she's obviously not excited about is anathema to me.

So, you said that she is open to the idea of you submitting to her, but she's "not into it sexually".  Okay, then submit to her in non-sexual ways.  She may decide that she really likes this, and it may open the door to her asking you to submit in a sexual capacity.

I'm probably offering a different perspective than what others may share, and it's probably NOT the perspective that you were hoping to hear.  But I thought that it might help you.  By simply looking at your desires from a different angle, you may find that you already have what you seek.  Simply try to pay more attention to what SHE wants, then do those things.  You'll be surprised just how submissive you'll feel.

Good luck in your quest.

(in reply to TxBoy)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 2:50:39 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy

I am trying really hard not to turn this into a buffet menu of my kinky desires (of which there are many). I will give it a go....with an open mind - and who knows - it might work.


I am going against the prevailing opinion and say that there is nothing wrong with having a buffet of kinky desires....the trick is to share them with your partner and see if any of them sounds good to her.

If you are in a loving relationship already, then trying stuff out might be fun and you could end up discovering she likes one from column A and two from column B, etc.

Just remember that this is a relationship with two people; and being a sub means you are allowed to have desires and needs.

(in reply to TxBoy)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 3:00:32 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i think he's just plain horney and needs some kink.

service doesnt scratch the itch and if youre kinky, vanilla sex definitely doesnt.

for myself being submissive to a vanilla is a pointless waste of time, they have no idea what youre doing or why youre doing it and if you roll over and agree to everything they want theyre more likely to misinterpret that as you being an easy push over.

service would only work in this situation if she is, inherently Domme and likes to take control of everything.  from experience vanillas tend to lean more toward an egalitarian set up and get uncomfortable and unhappy when the balance of power topples over to one person.

just my thoughts

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 3:02:43 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy
Vanilla sexual partner has agreed to explore but has stated that she gets no sexual energy from the thought of it. I am inclined to politely decline the activities since it would seem to be of no use to either of us? Anyone else encounter this situation?

Yup... been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

For us this was and is a winning proposition. For instance, I'm currently exploring sadism with Carol. Originally I said "I have no interest and the thoughts that seem to get other sadists all hot and bothered don't press any button in me." In other words, I was not a sadist... not even a service top. But, you know, turns out that maybe there's a bit of masochist in Carol and I like to please my lover so hey... might as well give it a whirl and see what comes up, right? As is always true with me, if I set my hand to something I don't do it half-assed so as I started hurting Carol I really tried to connect with whatever I might have as an inner sadist. I tried to get into the mood of it all... "Come on bitch, suck my cock!" *smack* *smack*

Well gosh, wouldn't you know that as it turns out there IS something in there. Granted, right now it's a bit fuzzy and out of focus, but when I dug deep enough it was in there.

So a few opinions of mine on the topic:


  • I have never bought off on the nice neat little BDSM boxes and, in fact, really resist the idea that I am so inflexible as a personality that I am what I am and there'll never be any substantial changes or new things that crop up. I prize personal flexibility and adaptability in myself. So I was not resistant to the idea that maybe I'm not a sadist now but perhaps I'll be one tomorrow. That all seems perfectly normal and natural to me and in sharp contrast to standard BDSM think.
  • Such an effort may or may not be successful but only trying will determine that. In the end, it was certainly possible that my initial impression was right and there was no inner sadist within me to connect with. But, back to the flexibility thing, my money was on If I dig deep enough, I'll find at least something usable and genuine.
  • Such an effort can only work if it is genuinely engaged in. Had I just hit Carol because she wanted to be hit and let it go there then it would've been "service topping" and exactly others have suggested... ultimately fake. But that wasn't how I approached it. Because I approached it as genuine self-exploration and maybe some self-modification thrown in I was able to get past the "going through the motions" part.
  • Having seen folks like LadyPact play, I feel safe in saying I'll never be as into being a sadist as she is. It just isn't that high on my list of things to do. Hell, sexuality as a whole isn't that high on my list. So my best guess as of now is that I will be a real, authentic sadist (in that I actually feel the appropriate energy and enjoy causing the pain) but that it'll be a fairly moderate degree of sadism and ultimately unsatisfying to me if the masochist in question wasn't into it also.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to TxBoy)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 3:15:32 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		i think the fact that she's willing to try means that you might as well try it. you never know; the worst that could possibly happen is you both decide it's not working. but if you don't take the risk, you'll never know if maybe there IS something there.
listen to leadership527, he generally always has points worth thinking about.


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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 3:57:24 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Hmmmmm, sounds to me like you're trying to force her to do something that YOU want.  That doesn't sound like a particularly submissive approach to me.  In fact, it's probably the exact definition of "topping from the bottom". 


I didn't read it that way, from my view he is saying because it does not turn her on, he has a hard time going there. In other words, he is saying it is the emotional state of his partner towards the play that really stimulates him.

I am the same way, if someone was topping me because they wanted me to be happy but it didn't make them hot, it wouldn't do jack for me.

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(in reply to Rochsub2009)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 4:00:11 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy

I am trying really hard not to turn this into a buffet menu of my kinky desires (of which there are many). I will give it a go....with an open mind - and who knows - it might work.

Ummm, well, my first boyfriend and I had a book on sex (cuz we didnt know anything) and we tried various things in it. I remember we tried anal sex and did what we were supposed to do, use lube and go slow. I think we only did that a couple of times and it felt really weird and all that, my butt hole was sore, etc. To be honest, I wasnt crazy about anal and it didnt do anything for me, sexually. Well, we broke up and a few years later i got a desire to try anal again. Eventually I turned into a total anal loving slut!

The point is that you try things, hopefully several times so you both can get a good idea if its for you/your partner and you do the stuff you both like. Hopefully she has an open mind and gives whatever you try a good shake.

And i disagree that pleasing a guy isnt enough tho. When I suck and deep throat, I dont do it cuz it turns me on sexually cuz it doesnt. I do it for various reasons, I like to please him, I love the reaction I get, verbally being told as well as hearing the moaning, seeing his eyes roll back in his head, to a certain degree it gives me power cuz i love to tease/torture? and bring him to the brink, back off, then take him to the edge again, and have some control over him cumming, i take pride in giving the best bj he has ever had in his life and to know if we break up he can kiss those great bjs good bye cuz few can do it as good as i can. So, for me, that is more than enough reasons to do that even if i dont get off.

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 4:09:19 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444
And i disagree that pleasing a guy isnt enough tho.

OH DEAR GOD I SO AGREE WITH THIS.

I'm routinely astonished at how it is not a valid motivation to want to please your partner. Sometimes I wonder if I slipped through the looking glass without noticing it.

I, for one, have and continue to remold my entire self and life in order to please my partner. I've been working at it for 15 years so it's got at least that much staying power. Carol's entire motivation for the whole authority dynamic gig is "to please me". She's been told in the past that that was never going to be enough. Apparently that also was overly pessimistic.

I am very glad that in my relationship the desire to please our partner is, in fact, the strongest and most stable motivation present.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to tj444)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 4:37:12 PM   
Muttling


Posts: 1612
Joined: 9/30/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy

She says she will get satisfaction by making me happy



That could be quite difficult as that is the statement of a submissive.   Play between two submissive is a tough dynamic as you have to take turns service Topping each other.     I haven't heard a lot, but I am hearing that she might be willing to Top you to please you.

My previous post still holds true, let her know that it pleases you to do things for her and it pleases you to be rewarded for it with something.   (Even a rough something if that is what you seek.)  

I would add that you give the opportunity for her to let go and to be submissive to you.


I think the two of you need to talk and understand more of what each of you want in play then take turns.  Play to her pleasures one time and to hers another.

(in reply to TxBoy)
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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 4:38:56 PM   
Palliata


Posts: 371
Joined: 8/9/2010
Status: offline 		Honestly I could picture that being more entertaining than playing with someone kinky. In many ways its more submissive since she's getting absolutely nothing out of it and is doing it purely to please you. I don't know that it would allow for a deep M/s relationship that could be satisfying in the long term, but for a few months it might be an interesting experience.

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I'm male. I know it sounds female. Work with me.

(in reply to leadership527)
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