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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 4:47:09 PM

BonesFromAsh

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy

Vanilla sexual partner has agreed to explore but has stated that she gets no sexual energy from the thought of it. I am inclined to politely decline the activities since it would seem to be of no use to either of us? Anyone else encounter this situation?

Is your partner aware that you're looking for a dominant partner here? Has she agreed to that part of your exploration?

I suggest you read everything in Rochsub2009's post...he's spot on in regards to what submission is and isn't (in my opinion, of course).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
You say that you want to bring pleasure to your partner by submission. Well, have you ever thought that you can be a vanilla submissive? IMO, submission has nothing to do with butt plugs, or chastity devices, or strap-ons, or floggers, or whatever else you may be fantasizing about. That stuff is the icing, but it's not the cake. And far too often, I see potential subs confusing the cake with the icing.

I might need to quote this in some way, if you don't mind, Rochsub.

< Message edited by BonesFromAsh -- 6/20/2011 4:48:38 PM >

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 6/20/2011 8:00:29 PM

xssve

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Joined: 10/10/2009
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I suggest you rent some femdom porn you can watch together, maybe find some femdom stories at Literotica or someplace, she may have no idea what the hell to do, and that at least will put the idea in her head, give her a place to start, some kind of a script if you do decide to do a scene, but I wouldn't push her into it: it can be hard to absorb if this isn't something that's always been in your head, which is more often the case, give it some time to perk around.

If nothing else, it will give you something to talk about together.

< Message edited by xssve -- 6/20/2011 8:01:28 PM >

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 7/12/2011 6:30:15 AM

TxBoy

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Just an update for my kinky compadres :)

We've done the strapon scene a few times and it looks to become a regular part of our sex life. I loved it ...and she admits to a turnon sexually. In fact, she has initiated it the past two times. We are in the market for the right strapon now...we have a vacu-lock and that seems to be the best so far. On an interesting twist..she teeters between being ready to dominate ..then not....so we'll have to find our way there....like I said before...not gonna pressure her.

One side note that surprised me...she has shown a desire of her own....we're talking nice ass-spanking, hair pulling, hard doggy style with some verbal roleplay - she really got off on it.... is it possible she desires submission? In that particular scene I was certainly the dominant party, and she got off big time..... what a tangled web we weave :)

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 7/12/2011 7:29:35 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TxBoy
Vanilla sexual partner has agreed to explore but has stated that she gets no sexual energy from the thought of it. I am inclined to politely decline the activities since it would seem to be of no use to either of us? Anyone else encounter this situation?

Sure I have... in me.... and in Carol.

Common BDSM wisdom is that there is some secret squirrel BDSM gene and you either got it or your born vanilla and gonna stay that way. Just like all the other memes about BDSM "specialness" I think that's a load of malarkey. For myself, I'd always said that I would never, under any circumstances, be into SM. Then, when Carol suddenly developed some masochistic urges I thought to myself... well a bit of service topping seems pretty harmless and it gets her off. Then, as it really did seem to work for her I dug deep and found that yeah, even the real sadist feelings are buried in me somewhere.

Humans are complex. If you two actually have a solid relationship and if you are both committed to being "all that" for each other then it's pretty likely true that somewhere in her there's enough to latch onto and build upon. She has to really want that, not simply to "play along".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 7/12/2011 9:26:37 AM

kalikshama

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Thanks for the update!

FYI, when I broached the idea of threesomes to my ex when we were dating, he didn't like the idea but loved loved LOVED it after he tried it.

Then he tried to sell me on swinging, which I resisted for 10 years.

Then I loved it and he hated that I loved it and I hated that he hated it and we broke up.

Now I'm off swinging and onto BDSM.

People change :)

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 7/12/2011 9:59:05 AM

LadyPact

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Thank you for the update and I'm glad it's working out for you.

As for teetering between wanting to dominate and then not, a lot of folks take two steps forward and one step back when just starting out. It's simply processing what she likes, what she doesn't, and how she feels about it within herself. It's a good thing. Allow her to do things in her own time (no pushing) and it will be just fine.

Don't be surprised that she has desires of her own. She may reflect that, after she has topped you, she thinks it might be fun for her to try what you got to experience from the different angle. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd encourage you to do so. It seems to Me that she just recently tried doing something to make you happy, so you should be willing to do the same in return.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

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RE: Partner agreeable but not "into it" sexually - 7/13/2011 8:59:37 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
As for teetering between wanting to dominate and then not, a lot of folks take two steps forward and one step back when just starting out. It's simply processing what she likes, what she doesn't, and how she feels about it within herself. It's a good thing. Allow her to do things in her own time (no pushing) and it will be just fine.

Don't be surprised that she has desires of her own. She may reflect that, after she has topped you, she thinks it might be fun for her to try what you got to experience from the different angle. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I'd encourage you to do so. It seems to Me that she just recently tried doing something to make you happy, so you should be willing to do the same in return.

I so agree with all of this. From my own experience I can definitely say that my willingness to dominate Carol -- sexually and otherwise -- was definitely an exploration with all the bumbling around, moments of hesitation, and other bits of inconsistency that you'd expect from an exploration. It was very good that Carol didn't have a timetable of her own so I could proceed at the pace I found comfortable.

I also agree with the idea that this is an exploration -- meaning you should explore anything that comes to hand not just what you'd previously thought of. So if she wants to bottom then go ahead and give that a whirl. And if you do, make sure you give it an honest effort at topping -- just as she did for you. Really, what I'm trying to say here is that it is a wonderful thing when two people who love and care about each other decide to explore the more... uh... unusual parts of their sexuality. Go with the flow... do it as a loving team... only good can come of that. Or, at least, it sure as heck worked out nicely for Carol and I -- and still is.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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