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LadyNTrainer -> RE: "Tribute required" (6/22/2011 8:20:15 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: errantgeek
Truth be told, I've had to deal with that crap too...to the point that before I changed my screen name (a very recent decision), I ended up stripping any reference that I might be interested in males and I might have switch tendencies.
Not necessarily a good idea if you're looking for someone who might really be compatible with you in the long term. I'm indifferent to the switch part, but bi guys or bi curious guys (especially self-identified geeks) always catch my attention. Remove that from your profile and it would no longer meet enough of my criteria to warrant a contact. If you don't want to find a femdom who is fine with your switchy nature and thrilled to help you explore your bi-curious fantasies, then don't put them out there. If you do want to find a femdom who is homophobic and will utterly freak out and wreck the relationship the first time she catches a hint of your tendencies, then go ahead and keep stuff hidden about yourself.
IMO, honesty and full disclosure is the best policy. It's an early weed-out of people who are fundamentally incompatible, and can help you find people who will genuinely value you for who you are. Just saying.
Common sense is, sadly, not common. It's not a safe assumption that any "quality submissive" would have specific expectations as to their end of the financial responsibilities in a relationship. And having been burned by utterly selfish, inconsiderate do-me boys far too many times, a lot of ladies have had quite enough of it and will state up front that they expect a certain standard of consideration for THEIR wants and needs. They expect that the gentleman will see to their comfort and do things for them rather than just making endless crude demands that are all about him. One of the quickest shortcuts to balance the time and energy equation is money, so it's a route that some will inevitably take.
At its root, the issue isn't always one of selfishness so much as a very different male and female perspective on kink. To most (but not all) men, kinky sexual activities are their own reward regardless of who you're doing them with. They expect that women feel the same way, so when they offer the unsolicited "gift" of their naked cock pictures in email or their "submissive service" of providing kinky sex to a stranger, they do not understand that from her perspective, they are being entirely selfish and making it all about them, not about her at all. That can get incredibly frustrating.
From her perspective, it's all about establishing a relationship of intimacy and trust. Crucial to establishing that relationship is a two way exchange. She wants to know that he is considerate of her feelings, respects her time and energy, and is willing to do things to make her feel good and make her life better. She wants to know that he sees her as a person, not as a pair of tits and a whip to service his fetish. From his point of view, kinky sex acts meet those criteria already. From hers, not so much. She wants him to take the time to consider her feelings - NOT her sexual feelings, but her human ones - and meet her interpersonal, social needs before jumping to the sexual ones. This can be a massive fundamental disconnect in initial communication.
In essence, both people are saying "Give to me; meet my needs, make me feel valued and wanted, show me you care about making me feel good." But she is the only one who is likely to make that message explicit. As far as he is concerned, offering an hour of oral sex to a stranger while being tied up and beaten *is* how he does his share of the giving, so he doesn't actually realize that the content of his message is still going to be read as "Gimme". From her perspective, such an "offer" is all about him and his desires, disregarding her as a person. He is ready to be intimate long before she's prepared to trust that he isn't a selfish asshole who doesn't care about her and who is only using her for shallow kink gratification. Without that trust, intimacy can't happen, so his "offer" isn't a gift at all.
It does feel good to be treated nicely, bought things, given things, and otherwise shown that my time and energy and company is highly appreciated and valued. It is flattering. It shows that I am valued, and that the submissive in question is willing to see to my comfort and cares about making me feel good, without focusing solely on his own sexual gratification. I can understand why some women, tired of the eternal disconnect, finally say right up front that this is what they require before they will waste their time on what they perceive to be pushy, selfish, utterly inconsiderate do-me guys. Some of those guys may honestly believe they are doing their share of "giving" by offering to provide kinky acts, but their offer of premature intimacy is always going to be seen as a selfish one.
I don't condemn women who have finally snapped and set their boundaries to exclude men who are not willing to do any giving that doesn't involve pink bits. I understand the frustration. Personally I won't go that route. Outside of the clear and honest transactions I do as a professional, it's not my thing. I appreciate being treated nicely in my personal life, but the symbol supersedes the form for me. Being treated to a cup of coffee and a single flower that is presented with a flourish (and I don't care if you picked it yourself) is sufficient to demonstrate that you care about making me feel good and that you value my company. I'm not a rock slut, but if your gift was a nifty looking rock you picked up while hiking and thought I would like, that would also show that you were thinking of me. If you really want to impress me, give me a d20. Cost of a d20, about a buck. Showing that you care about my non kink interests, priceless.
You'd be surprised at the percentage of men who approach women on these sites who seem to honestly not care *at all* who we are as people, or what we do when we're not tying people up and beating them. They just don't care, and that is incredibly off-putting. I have no desire to be intimate with someone who does not care who I am as a human being or what I like outside the bedroom. Requiring tribute would be one shortcut to effectively enforce someone "caring" about my non kink enjoyment and interests....but IMO shortcuts don't work so well in the long run. So if a guy doesn't approach me of his own accord as a human being and a friend without having to be told to, he's not personal relationship material, period.
I also like being the one to do the courting and the buying. There is a lot of enjoyment in that for me as well. I used to be pretty much stuck on that dynamic, but after being taken advantage of and burned a few too many times by useless pretty boys, I've developed an appreciation of men who prefer to pay their own way and to do things for me as well. Not always expensive things, just considerate things. Because it's the consideration that matters most in the end, when we're talking about any kind of human relationship. I don't believe there are any good shortcuts.
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