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avena -> RE: No such thing as "no" (6/26/2011 12:56:26 AM)
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I have several times now found myself in a position where I was unable or unwilling, for whatever reason, to do something that D had asked of me. Generally, the look on my face and my body language as I froze and stared at him in shock and apprehension were enough that I didn't NEED to say no. He knew instantly that he'd asked for something beyond my ability and comfort zone, and we either worked through it, or he redirected me to something else.
I have, however, used the phrase "I'd really rather not" as well as "I don't want to, but you want me to, so I will". In the first case, depending on the situation, he usually either wants to know why I don't want to do something and then tells me to do it anyway, or else just simply gives me that look - the one where he makes me feel about an inch and a half tall, that tells me he knows I'm more than capable of doing what he's asked me to do, and if I don't get off my arse and do it, then I won't be sitting on my arse at all for a while. In the second case he usually waits until I'm done whatever it is, then thanks or praises me. It's not quite second nature for me to go against what I want, just to please him. But it's getting there.
I can count on three fingers the number of times I have actually used the word NO with D, and meant it. The first time he trod over the line of a hard limit for me. It was early in the relationship and he was using it as a mind fuck, with no intention of actually following through. He's a lot more careful about that kind of 'teasing' now. I don't react well to it...
The second time I told him no, I was so physically exhausted from a long day, and then several hours of play, that I couldn't actually physically do what it was he asked. I don't even actually remember this particular incident. He told me about it the next morning. Apparently I opened one eye, looked at him, blinked, said no quite clearly, then fell deeply asleep. He had to physically move me so I wasn't hogging the bed, since he couldn't even wake me up enough to get me to roll over.
The third time (which actually happened quite recently) I was ill. Giving a blow job with sinuses congested, nose completely blocked and running at the same time...just the thought was enough to make me flat out say no. How in the heck am I supposed to breathe??? Besides, the thought of snot running down my face and down his cock as I was swallowing his cock was enough to make me gag, repeatedly.
As for how he reacted each time I actually said no...well, there was a reason each time. He accepts that I have limitations, some of the are short term and some will need to be worked on for a long period if they're ever to be overcome. He's not here to push me harder than I can handle. He wants me happy and healthy with him, so even though he's 'the boss' and he 'makes the rules', he's still human and he acknowledges that he makes mistakes. We talk, we cuddle, then we move on.
My reaction to not obeying, either immediately or at all, tends to be one of self-reproach and recrimination. I'm much harder on myself than D ever is on me. I'm human and I make mistakes, but the driving force in my life right now is the need to see that pleased little smile on D's face. Doing something that puts the opposite expression - the disappointed frown, on his face devistates me.
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