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should i go to a munch - 6/26/2011 8:49:32 PM   
whitedragonX


Posts: 75
Joined: 8/10/2010
Status: offline 		basically what I want to know is how many (rough estimate) people attend a munch. Are they small medium or large groups of people?




(note the rest below is me whining about how my life sucks- if have any legitmate advice other "than grow some balls" please I'd love to hear it.)


First I have no social skills, have anxiety issues. (I prefer meeting ppl online) I do like this lifesyle I find it fun and dynamic, however I'm just bad with large groups of people. I have met a group of people in real life, through online before.
However large scale crowds scare me, I can't go to clubs or any large scale events such as a convention. With small groups of people I think I do better, I just started a new job a week ago and I THINK a couple people like me.

With regards to woman well I think that I would be very likeable if they got to know me, but I'm not outgoing, and can't even get a vanilla date (im21) I'll be able to beat the 40 year old virgin at this rate :(

When I ask a girl for a date this what I get, *giggles* "I have a boyfriend."






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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/26/2011 8:59:26 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		I'd say about 20 would be a "good" attendance.  30 might be a BIG 'un.

BUT depends heavily on size of city AND how many other munches are happening.  One WAY north of Denver gets maybe 25 on a regular basis 'cause that's ALL that happens around there. LOL!

Here's a GREAT idea (sometimes I surprise even myself) - Since you find the munch online - there's almost ALWAYS somebody's e-mail address. As in "For further details, write to  ...... "  So, get to know THAT person on-line.  Explain you're kinda shy and so on.  They will (I'll bet) offer to be your guide - not the first time, but until you're comfy, just talk to them.

Maybe even ask them for somebody else, and then you'll know two peeps when you finally go!

DAMN! I'm good.

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/26/2011 9:03:21 PM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
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Status: offline 		  Your neurophysiology has you wired for social anxiety due to past experiences.  Changing this requires a complete rejig of your belief structures.  Attending a munch is not going to do this for you.

You identify as submissive but frankly, I think you're too young to make this kind of decision so lightly.  Given the ratios, you're tossing yourself into a fairly large pool of competitors who are trying to attract a fairly small group of targets.  Those aren't good odds.

And of course you're getting "I have a boyfriend" - the vast majority of women aren't looking for submissive men.  They're looking for the complete opposite.  You're getting this due to what you are, not who you are.  Point is, it's not a lock and it can be changed, but the question you have to answer is this:  "Do I want pussy?"

If you want pussy, go study pickup.  You're in the completely wrong arena to help you deal with your social anxiety and pickup will help you do that.  Once you realise that the negative aspects of your personality are probably a product of your environment and aren't a reflection of your identity, you'll understand that - contrary to the advice you'll get in this forum - you do actually have choices about what kind of individual you want to become.

If you just want a chick to boss you around, you're at least in the ballpark, although the route to satisfaction is not exactly a straight one.  You'll be relying on your hand for some time unless you're also into orgasm denial.


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/26/2011 9:10:06 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline 		Munches are a great way to meet people who might share your interests and it really tends to be a no-pressure and vanilla gathering which is why these things are so popular; and you can go to many of them getting more experience and meeting more people at each for only the cost of a meal and "it's only lunch".

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/26/2011 9:37:11 PM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		It depends on the group and your area.

Yes you should go to a munch, why? Because munches are awesome.

Because your 21 i would suggest your local tng  Your near Pittsburgh which has a pretty decent scene, if your on fetlife search for TNG pittsburgh

Munch size varies, between what night its on where its located and millions of factors, my TNG munch usually has about 15 to 40 people, the Gate munch has between 10 and 25. The Kop Munch is between 30 and 60.

But look at munch groups and email the runner of the munch explain your situation and ask to meet for coffee first or if they can get to the place early to talk to them and get comfortable before the munch starts.


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 1:16:39 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		SR is right.  What the average attendance of a munch will be will vary according to the group itself.  Munches where I am now get 20-30 people.  There have been a number of occasions where ARM (Atlanta Regional Munch) will get a hundred, depending on who is giving the demo that night.  Bakersfield, CA would average forty to fifty, but we had over seventy when I organized the slave auction. 

Please read the thread that is a couple of pages back that I started on why get out to the community.  I know I already recommended it on another thread that you started, but I think it's got some information that might help to push you to get out from in front of the computer screen.


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 1:43:35 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Seriously munches are every size, I've been to some where there were 5 people, others there are 50, really depends on where you are and how popular the group is.

I think it's a good way for you to meet people and learning more about the whole life-style first hand, though you shouldn't expect to find a partner straight away, just take it as a social gathering where you can pick up a bit of knowledge.

As for not getting dates, if you are nervous and you are too focused on getting dates, you're blocking yourself, take it easy, just mingle, get comfortable with people first. Join a group, not just a BDSM group, maybe a group of people who share one of your hobbies, as I said in another post, just talk to people and get comfortable interacting on a social level.

You know, you trying to date before you feel comfy in the presence of others, that's like running before you can walk. Go slow, build friendships, make acquaintances, dip your toes in before you jump.

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 1:56:23 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		OP what you are forgetting is that MOST people who go to a munch for the first time are just as scared shitless as you! There are a lot of people who think their social skills suck, who fear they will be dumbstruck, or worse still, will say something silly, are convinced they are the shyest person in the whole world etc etc! If we all ACTED on those fear feelings, no one would ever get out and go anywhere ... or only a few would and it would be so boring.

Now I used to be very shy, very introvert ... till I made a conscious decision not to let that hold Me back. I do as has been suggested, make sure I get to know someone a bit before I go. or at least be in contact with the organisers so they know to look out for Me, then when I get there I put a smile on My face and talk to someone! A good tip is to look for someone else who has their back to the wall and looking scared or the person who is alone at one table while others fill up with groups who know each other ... they might be even more scared than you ... and they'll be ever so grateful you are talking to them! Most people now see Me as outgoing, bubbly, friendly, and scoff at the notion I was ever shy, but that is simply learned and well practised behaviour that has become ME. In certain settings (eg a conference with 2600 delegates few of whom I know) I can revert fairly quickly and it takes all My training to take the deep breaths, seek out the fellow wallflowers and make a connection. I've made some fabulous friends that way.

Specifically at a munch, chat to anyone regardless of gender and D/s persuasion ... friends of all types are handy to have and help you circulate and ultimately meet your 'target' people. And be helpful if you can, always makes a good impression. Make sure you ask about the dress code ahead of time, and then be clean and neat and pleasant to smell (but not too overpowering with scent, that can be a turn off). Have a few convo starters ready to go ... "This is my first time here, are you a regular or another newcomer?" is a good one as it can lead to mutual empathy (if both new) or some brainpicking (if they are regulars).

Go to it OP, or life will pass you by whilst you whinge from behind your screen.
Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 2:28:32 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

As for not getting dates, if you are nervous and you are too focused on getting dates, you're blocking yourself, take it easy, just mingle, get comfortable with people first. Join a group, not just a BDSM group, maybe a group of people who share one of your hobbies, as I said in another post, just talk to people and get comfortable interacting on a social level.

You know, you trying to date before you feel comfy in the presence of others, that's like running before you can walk. Go slow, build friendships, make acquaintances, dip your toes in before you jump.


I agree with the catwoman.


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 3:29:56 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whitedragonX

basically what I want to know is how many (rough estimate) people attend a munch. Are they small medium or large groups of people?




They are large groups of people.

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 6:11:01 AM   
Aynne88


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Status: offline
lol Aileen. . 


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 7:20:23 AM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline 		well fuck my face why don't ya? i agree with absolutely everything in awareness' post. i think i'm feeling faint.

one of those pickup courses would probably do you fucking wonders as far as your shyness and lack of self confidence.


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 9:30:37 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Social phobia is treatable. I suggest a two prong approach, first medication to lift it while you then do cognitive behavioral therapy to learn new coping skills and new social skills.

And don't view dating as this massive procedure. The way my 18 year old does it, is to say to a girl he's talking to "I'm starving, want to go get a piece of pizza?". Low key, just food and conversation and that's a starter date.


< Message edited by DesFIP -- 6/27/2011 9:32:37 AM >

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 9:35:13 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

i agree with absolutely everything in awareness' post. i think i'm feeling faint.



I was thinking the same thing.  I actually agreed with Awareness.  Is that reasonable grounds for committing suicide? 

OP,
As others have said, munches will vary depending on where you live.  In my town, we used to get 5-15 people on a regular basis.  But in the last year or so, we have seen a huge growth spurt since the organization started their FetLife page.  We now get 25-40 people on a pretty consistent basis.

But despite the numbers, you won't be interacting with all of those people.  Our munches are held at a diner, and everyone is seated and eating during the munch.  So you would actually only be interacting with the two people sitting on each side of you, and those sitting across the table from you.

Other groups may organize their munches differently, but that is how ours work.  So even though there may be 40 people present, you will spend the majority of the munch interacting with about 4 people.

BTW, as I mentioned earlier, I agree with what Awareness said.  As a shy 21 year old, you really don't know what your sexual preferences are.  By trying to be a sub male, you are essentially guaranteeing that you are going to end up being a 40 year old virgin.  The competition for female attention among sub males is FAR MORE INTENSE than it is in a regular vanilla environment.  There are too many sub males searching, and too few dominant females looking.  So a shy guy with social anxiety has almost no chance of finding a partner.

I don't claim to be a psychologist, but that is my opinion based on many years as a male sub. 



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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 10:18:47 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

It depends on the group and your area.

Yes you should go to a munch, why? Because munches are awesome.

Because your 21 i would suggest your local tng  Your near Pittsburgh which has a pretty decent scene, if your on fetlife search for TNG pittsburgh

Munch size varies, between what night its on where its located and millions of factors, my TNG munch usually has about 15 to 40 people, the Gate munch has between 10 and 25. The Kop Munch is between 30 and 60.

But look at munch groups and email the runner of the munch explain your situation and ask to meet for coffee first or if they can get to the place early to talk to them and get comfortable before the munch starts.


Yep.  I was going to suggest TNG also.  But Nobody has said that TNG = The Next Generation. 

_____________________________

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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 10:27:12 AM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline 		Since others are confessing to previous shyness...... yep!  Lance was shy until about age 24.  I had a GREAT opportunity that I let pass me by due to my shyness.  I made a conscious decision that if the opportunity presented itself again - damn the fear - full speed ahead.  It did present again (next night) and we were together 13 years!

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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 10:32:31 AM   
Wolf2Bear


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Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes


BUT depends heavily on size of city AND how many other munches are happening.  




I've been to munches where the attendance ranged from 5-26.  I also hosted a few munches where I could have between 3 and 15 people attend. It also depends on other people's prior commitments that determine how large a munch is.


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 12:06:00 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		Since we are talking about shyness, yup, same problem, solution that I applied for a job as a waitress as a teenager, I HAD to go and talk to people and take their orders, once I'd done that for a few weeks, I found it much easier to talk to people socially.

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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 12:13:11 PM   
DarlingSavage


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quote:

It did present again (next night) and we were together 13 years!


Aw!  That's sweet!


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RE: should i go to a munch - 6/27/2011 2:20:58 PM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: whitedragonX

basically what I want to know is how many (rough estimate) people attend a munch. Are they small medium or large groups of people?

Daddy and I live in the city of Bellingham, WA, and my sub lives out in the county. Belllingham had a population of about 79,000 in 2010. During the course of a month, we attend two munches, a play party, a kinksters Discussion Group, and a poly folks' potluck....five activities. The first munch of the month, the WHACK Mid-Month Munch, has anywhere from 20 to 40 or so people each month. The second munch, which is just newly organized this month had only five people. BUT, as time goes by, we are certain there will be more people attending the South-End munch too. Actually, we go to just about everything in this area.

I was incredibly shy the first couple munches I went to. I was so painfully shy I just sat at the table totally terrified and didn't make a peep unless I was spoken to. No wonder I didn't meet anyone! It's not that people weren't friendly, it was just me being terrified with social anxiety. Now, with Daddy's help, I've gotten to know people and I have a rip-roaring good time with everyone. As a matter of fact, it's Daddy and I that are organizing our second munch of the month here.

It always helps to go with someone you know the first couple times if you can. That's what I did. And I sat at the center of the long center table with my back to the wall, so I could see everyone coming and going. That way, I didn't miss a thing. lol So, get yourself to a munch and check it out!

~Hisprettybaby~

< Message edited by Hisprettybaby -- 6/27/2011 2:21:35 PM >

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