wandersalone
Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
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Ok I have read every post on here and like some others I did think about not posting here given the dramas that seem to follow posts by both Tammy and Artie however I have some suggestions based upon having many clients come to me with very similar problems. Do with it what you will. 
Tammy, you do not need to stand over your kids, or raise your voice to them or nag them to get their chores done. In fact, it is the exact opposite.
Sit your two down and lay out the ground rules. Let them know that from this moment this is how things are going to be.
Don't talk down to them, don't say they have to do these things because you are the mum and say so, don't raise your voice and don't get angry or frustrated or upset.
Instead clearly explain -
your expectations eg. when you come home from school you will not be able to turn on the tv, computer, talk on the phone until you have - a) unpacked your school bag, b)changed your clothes, c)hung your uniform up and d)finished your homework.
If you need to, say that you will hang on to their phone, computer, unplug the tv until these things are completed each day.
When they come home from school, collect their phone, computer etc if need be and then go back to doing your own thing. If they want to cry, argue, scream etc - put them in their bedroom - again ensuring they have no access to a tv, phone or computer.
Don't argue, yell or apologise when doing this, simply remind them of the rules and let them know they will be staying in their room until their bag is unpacked, their uniform is hung up and their homework is completed.
If not don't complete these things before dinner they stay in the room and miss a meal. They won't die from not having dinner.
Consistency is the key to good parenting.
Clear guidelines and rules
Clear cause and effect - eg. homework not done, no tv.
Calm, controlled voice and behaviour from you.
Praise them when they do as required (you are not asking or requesting, these are requirements from now on).
This all needs to be backed up by Artie as well. The kids need to see that you both support each other in these expectations.
His daughter and boyfriend need something similar. why are they doing yard work when there is the housework to be done and no one to do it? I would rather have the house vacuumed rather than the lawn mowed, wouldn't you?
Dishes - someone washes, someone dries and someone puts away.
Bed - has to be made before they leave for school or they are docked an hour of tv/computer that afternoon/evening. Don't remind them in the morning to make their bed, simply take away their tv/computer privilege when they get home from school. Running to make their bed in the afternoon as soon as they realise you are serious does not mean you relent and forget about the consequence.
The funny thing about kids is that they actually thrive with firm boundaries. It is a way for them to feel secure and cared for. Otherwise they become the parents in effect and they have you running around doing all of the work.
So it is time to take responsibility and to stop making excuses or playing the martyr. It is time to be a parent.
Blending families is difficult, the key is a united from from both of you to ALL four of the young people, calm, consistent behaviour and clear cause and effects. You absolutely have to change yourself first before you can hope they will change.
And both of you, stop making excuses for the kids, all of them should be doing a lot more than they are.
I hope it all works out.
_____________________________
Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885
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RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 - 
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