RE: Fibro, school, house of 6

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Arturas -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 8:24:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ I do find it a bit sad that your master has moved kids into his household and does not want the responsibility of sharing in their parenting, but as you say, he is very busy. Best wishes- I am re-thinking what I said earlier: I think it sounds like he knows he unable to parent them and in that case he is making a wise decision to give that a wide berth. I'm not sure it's about not being able to parent them. I do OK. I spend time with them at the gym, library, shopping, taking them to parties or picking up one of their friends to spend the night, sitting down to dinner with them almost each evening and trying to discuss their day as well as get them to eat their veggies and not just the mac and cheeze, teach the boy to respect his mother, take the girl to get her hair cut cause her mom is "down" and wait for her to finally be finished and make sure I complement her new cut, telling her the facebook comments some of her girl "enemies" at school are not true and not to worry and I could go on and on. I'm not the best but I do alright.

Arturas -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 8:36:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Louve00 I hate to say this, and don't mean to be cruel, but I've read 8 pages of someone describing a dismal life and yet making excuses for every post people are trying to help with. Granted, you've come to air your grievances in a forum, so nobody really, truly knows your situation. But if its that dismal, and there is absolutely no solution to taking the reins of your own home and your own life...if you can't prioritize the things (and people) in your life...if neither of you can or want to control your children then I'll say it in a way my mother used to say to me. "You've made your bed, now lie in it." (and I truly am sorry and don't mean to be mean, but read these 8 pgs, especially the excuses you have made for ALL the problems in your life, and tell me if you have a choice?) I know you are writing tam but let tell you I appreciate your input. Please don't judge tam without remembering that fibro brings with it not just pain but a day or two or three of depression and a tendency to internalize and enlarge fairly routine issues during that time (and some time after) that she handles with ease on most days but she has enough down days that after awhile tends to keep her down unless I can pick her up, sometimes with nothing more than encouragement and a smile and a complement and much of that last is good for any submissive woman, fibro sufferer or not.

Arturas -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 8:39:13 PM)
FR. Sorry if I missed anything but frankly I've seen too much of my face on this thread already and it seems I am hijacking it without meaning too. Forgive me. Well wishes, - Arturas

tazzygirl -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 8:40:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas quote: but why do you need both their help outside in a large yard? Are you also in pain? I grew up on a small farm. I had chores inside and out. Feeding the animals, tending to two smaller brothers and weeding the garden, along with dishes, dinner and laundry. Children dont have to be beat to get them to listen. I don't need their help. They help me because my daughter loves me and this home and since they cannot pay much toward their room and board they like to help out. I'm fit and not in pain, thanks for your concern. "Children don't have o be beat..." where did that come from? Where you beaten as a child? Actually, it was an impression tammy gave early on. Coupled with your comment about treading lightly.... Was I beat? Yep... I grew up in the age of "spare the rod, spoil the child". I was molested too... make you feel better? ~shrugs~ My point in bringing up what you copied was that, instead of her helping out in the yard, whats wrong with her taking over some of the other chores within the home? You arent in pain, tammy is.

tazzygirl -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 8:41:50 PM)
quote: Fibro tends to knock people down and depress them and make them unequal to some tasks and she wanted to share that with everyone and get some thoughts from those who suffer the same illness and probably have the same issues with their children and feelings of not being as good as they once were in all aspects of their lives including raising children. I see she has receive some of that and I personally thank those who offered well meaning advice to her. If you go back through my posts, you will see that everything I said was in support of tammy and made attempts to help her to help herself.

Aylee -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 10:46:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas Now, anyone except Greedy, what woman turns over responsibility of her kids to the man she lives with? Anyone. I do. And what of it?

Aylee -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/28/2011 11:12:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tammystarm Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I have severe fibromyalgia, I go to school full time, and I live in a house that we now have 6 living in. When I wasnt in school I was able to manage the rest, but now it is overwhelming. I need a neat, tidy and organized home, but I cannot do it alone, it is causing major stress along with severe flare ups with the fibro. I am a student at heart and cannot imagine not being there, in fact I get rather depressed when not in classes. But coming home with the house a mess, homework to do and pain from the roots of my hair to the bottom of my feet, well it is overwhelming. Master feels the same way about the house, when he comes home he expects it to be emaculant, I dont blame him, it is his home, he has worked hard for. Before I started back to school i asked everyone if they would help out, they all agreed but now, well not so much. MAJOR STRESS! Any suggestions greatly appreciated. Peace Love And Harmony Tammystar "Acknowledgement is a no-kidding, unvarnished, bottom-line, truthful confrontation with yourself about what you are doing or not doing, or what you are putting up with in your life that is destructive. It's not some pious, phoney-baloney, half-hearted rendition of what you think they want to hear. Nor is it a watered-down, politically correct 'confession' that you think will buy you closure at the expense of truth. I mean brutal reality: slapping yourself in the face and admitting what you are doing to screw up your life. This also means admitting that you are getting payoffs for what you're doing, however sick or subtle those payoffs are." -- Philip C. McGraw (from "Life Strategies") Acknowledgement is just the FIRST step down a very long road. And I have seen people stuck on that one for years (wah wah, I'm an alcoholic. [knock back another drink]) - just look at your life situation. You haven't made any REAL progress, because REAL progress means REAL work, and letting go of ego-centricity. And you get far too much attention and too many opportunities for excuses to get beyond merely acknowledging the death of a spuse and get your shit together. Hell you aren't even a SURVIVOR because you still BLAME your bad behavior on your past, and expect people to cut you slack and feel sorry for you as a result. That's not SURVIVING it, that's WALLOWING." The forecast: High-pressure, low-integrity blame system approaching from the south. Dense cloud cover, increasing psychodrama. Partly charming today, 90% chance of disrespect tomorrow. Relative humiliation 100%

kalikshama -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 6:20:40 AM)
Here's my takeaway. Tammy feels like she is drowning in the deep end while Art thinks she's splashing around in the shallow end. A word to the wise Art - many men are blindsided by divorce.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 7:43:38 AM)
Um, Aylee, aren't you like, Married to that dude? [8D] Art, every impression we have gotten is based on what Tammy said. Granted, those of us that "know" her posting style are reading a bit into that... MANY of us are sick, are caregivers, take care of families and jobs. It's not an unusual situation. Why all these excuses for YOU, and NOTHING to help Tammy? Have you gotten her a doctor appointment with someone who UNDERSTANDS fibro? TOLD your daughter that work needs to be done around the house, and she needs to suit up? How about that boyfriend? If their options are "homeless" or "living with you", sounds like you have yourself a houseboy! Sorry, it just doesn't add up. Most of us have talked the same story here, so it's up to you to fix it, or not fix it. I feel sorry for the kids, and the universe that they will inflict themselves upon.

lizi -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 11:24:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus (snip) Sorry, it just doesn't add up. (snip) The above is the feeling I'm left with after reading everything. There are a lot of excuses masquerading as explanations by the two main parties involved. All the help given so far says to knuckle down- get the kids in hand and the house in order by starting with one thing and then moving on to the next. It was said numerous times and the response seems to be how hard things are and there seem to be excuses being given out by the parties involved as to why they cannot or will not start the chain of events that will lead to a solution. It's like saying 'but'. "Yes, I'll get right on that but....". "Yes, that is the right thing to do, but....". No one is disputing how difficult or challenging things are, the fact of the matter is that there isn't anything to be done about that. People get sick, people work and/or go to school, the world still keeps running. I'm not making light of the OP's issues but we all have them in some form or other don't we? It's just part of life to take care of the cards we are dealt no matter how miserable they may be. I think it was disingenuous perhaps to come here and ask for help and keep evading the bottom line which is that things need to be dealt with somehow so get to it. There is no magic solution or shortcuts, it takes work to raise children and run a house. There really isn't any advice to be given about it other than work at it and get it done. Kids first. The things that have happened in their life shouldn't be hindering them from receiving some parenting in the form of teaching responsibility. The void in their life of being held accountable is obvious to the OP and she's acknowledged it herself. There is no real excuse for letting them slide by, stop trying to find one and just rise to the task of being a parent. Especially since it is a tenet in her relationship that her kids are her responsibility. If that's what she agreed to then that's what she should be doing or negotiate for something new. The health issues...this just seems to be avoided and things don't add up. The OP should be finding out whatever she can and do whatever she can in order to get this in hand as well as it can be. The relationship. Who knows if it's healthy or whatever but these two have chosen to give it a go so try to work with each other on the issues mentioned here and see if you can't get a better grip on it with each other. The adult daughter and boyfriend. They should probably be doing more, it seems like they're skating on helping as much as they should but it's hard for me to tell without being there. It's certainly something that could be looked at. School just doens't seem as important. Sorry, I'm an adult student myself, but those parentless kids come first. The OP has been in school forever, what's up with that? It seems like an escape for her as was mentioned before. Do we really keep getting a pass on things because we choose to keep playing the school card? That isn't how life works. School is a burden for everyone involved, there's a certain shelf life to this or many of us would be perpetual students. Certainly she should have obtained whatever degree or certificate that she wanted by now. School isn't a goal in itself...it's supposed to be a stepping stone to a career. Plus, if school is such a burden in her condition how the heck does she expect to work? I mean has any thought been given to that? If it's so hard for her to parent and keep the house running now as a student how is she supposed to be able to do it when she's got a job in her field? Things just don't add up and there isn't a magic way to get them under control without just getting to work on it.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 4:30:28 PM)
Are you allergic to Soma? I read it's good at killing fibro pain plus it's great for stopping back spasms.

tazzygirl -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 4:41:08 PM)
I took Soma... hmmm.. 10 years ago? It kept knocking me on my butt.

SternSkipper -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 5:10:08 PM)
quote: edited as just looked at your profile. geeze woman you're 40 years old. lay down the law with your own kids and tell him to do the same with his. you may be his slave you are not their's. I agree with needles... While the emphasis @ my house is academic, I would not tolerate any sub living under my roof being doormat to mine or hers in terms of chores, etc.

SternSkipper -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 5:32:17 PM)
quote: PS my phone is stuck on arts profile sorry this and above message came from me tammy CollerMe ... There's an app for that - The Apple Corporation[:D]

Aylee -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/29/2011 11:07:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Um, Aylee, aren't you like, Married to that dude? [8D] I am and he is Butterhead's father. However, I felt that the comment was disrespectful to both men and women. Women do not have some sort of secret super power in raising children and men are just as capable of doing so. For goodness sake, they do not give you a cape and the letter "M" on your chest after the delivery. I, personally, have no problem with him being completely responsible for her when I am out of towln. He does a fine job. As a woman and a mother, if you are living with a man there must be some trust there. So no, I do not see the issue with him being responsible for any children. What does Arturas thinks happen when you have a babysitter or have them in daycare or some sort of class? What about sleepovers at a friends or staying a week with grandparents? It irritates me when people are dismissive of the things that either sex are perfectly capable of doing.

sunshinemiss -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/30/2011 2:44:55 AM)
Sunny Quote of the Day goes to Aylee [sm=wife.gif] for Women do not have some sort of secret super power in raising children and men are just as capable of doing so. For goodness sake, they do not give you a cape and the letter "M" on your chest after the delivery. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3742544/mpage_9/tm.htm#3746430

0ldhen -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/30/2011 4:32:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Arturas I know you are writing tam but let tell you I appreciate your input. Please don't judge tam without remembering that fibro brings with it not just pain but a day or two or three of depression and a tendency to internalize and enlarge fairly routine issues during that time (and some time after) that she handles with ease on most days but she has enough down days that after awhile tends to keep her down unless I can pick her up, sometimes with nothing more than encouragement and a smile and a complement and much of that last is good for any submissive woman, fibro sufferer or not. Here is a link, please use it. http://www.rheumatology.org/ It is to the American College of Rheumatology. Sounds like your girl should be being treated by a Rheumatologist. There is so much out there now available to treat Fibro, to help you deal with all the numerous and varied issues that come with it. If you do not have insurance most states will grant medical assistance for Fibro, you may get turned down and need to go to a hearing, but you will win at a hearing. Only a Rheumatologist is qualified to properly treat fibro. Here is another link, please use it. http://www.chorecharts.com/ Final link, if you are really desperate, it is to Nanny 911. Send them a letter/video. http://www.parentsconnect.com/articles/child-discipline-boot-camp-nanny-911.html Now, I have Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis, I've had it since I was a kid. When I was 16, I had two kids, I was working in a bar 6 nights a week (yup, illegally) going to school, and running a 120+ acre farm, while taking care of a 7 bedroom house and an ol man/Master who also worked 6 days a week. Fast forward, I graduated,worked at my job 5 days a week from 6am to 2pm 5 days a week, still worked the bar 3 nights a week, now had 3 kids, still had the farm and the ol man. My reason for telling you all of this, so both of you grasp that I DO understand it is fucking hard! But, it is incumbant on you, the Master of the house to lay out some rules for ALL the children. You have his/hers/ours/, well it only works if the same rules are in place and ENFORCED, on all of them the same. Next, Tammy, it is incumbant on you to cooperate, communicate, and help enforce the joint game plan the two of you agree on. Oh, boo fucking who, you hurt, too damn bad! I had days it took me 2 hours to be limber enough to move, guess what, you got it, too fucking bad. Either you grit your teeth, swallow your meds, get your ass in gear and TAKE CARE of Business, or you lay down, you come here, you bitch, your house/whatever stays a mess. And you, master of the house, put your damn foot down, get your girl some help, support each other as far as an agreed upon plan for your kids. Oh., yes, there are days I was so tired, so damn tired of being in pain, of fighting my bodies desire to destroy itself, you know the best cure for that, get up, grit your teeth, get to doing what needs done. Sounds like too many chiefs, including,the kids, not enough Indians. Have a couples meeting, both of you take a notebook, design a game plan for chores, a daily schedule for *EVERYBODY*, that includes brief rest periods for Mom, write it out. Then have a family meeting, explain what you are doing and why. Explain the chores, the rules of behavior, the consequences of violating said rules. Then STICK to them, for everybody, no excuses, no, you are not my parent, no shit period. It will be hard, it will be ugly, but once you get it going, your life will smooth out and run itself. Do I have sympathy for your pain, yup,just low tolerence for the whining about it, I do GET it, but from one who lives it to another, the longer you lay about going, I can't, it hurts too bad, the worse it gets. The number one remedy for Fibro is the same as the one for JRA, get your ass moving. My grandma used to say" When ya stop, THAT is when you really stop". She had JRA too. Guess what, she ran a farm, did all her own cooking, canning, butchering, chopping of wood, and birthed and raised 23 kids, all with fingers that looked like somebody beat them with a bat. Now, my cmail box is always open, if either of you want to talk about it. Hell I'll send you a sample schedule as to how somebody with Fibro should run their schedule to make it work. But nobody can fix the household but the pair of you.

0ldhen -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/30/2011 5:11:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Aylee Women do not have some sort of secret super power in raising children and men are just as capable of doing so. For goodness sake, they do not give you a cape and the letter "M" on your chest after the delivery. . I must add you did deserve quote of the day for that line. Personally, I've always said the creator screwed up when she designed reproduction, each parent should sprout a 2nd pair of arms with the birth of each child.

0ldhen -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/30/2011 9:43:23 AM)
Now, I figure I better add this before I get told I was harsh. Yes, I was, sometimes even I needed a , get up and fix this, get moving, kind of thing, to give me that push to do what I actually already knew to do. Normaly, not my speed or style, but I've been there, done that. Hopefully it helped, and I meant it, my cmail is open if you ever need to talk, both of you.

Phoenixpower -> RE: Fibro, school, house of 6 (6/30/2011 11:04:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NuevaVida You know, not being able to do it all is NOT failing. It's finding where your limitations are. Very well said [sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif] I have fibro and experienced my own battles whilst attending uni and working full time next to it, living under the constant stress to satisfy uni demands and employer demands and the demands from your own health...sometimes its important to listen to it when limitations are being shown by your own body. 2007 I started uni and from 2008 onwards I needed meds to be able to sleep pain free due to my fibro...now with having uni finished the need of meds is gone...as it now looks like again...at last the last few nights I was able to sleep pain free again without meds, after over three years. So to me it sounds like as if you take too much on, especially if you want to avoid taking meds for the time being (e.g. until your kids are aware of what they have to do). Also to add to the quote from NuevaVida, I read this week another nice quote on a calendar in a friends office, which stated "only your plans and strategies failed when your planned goal didn't work out, but not you as a human." In regards to the previous statement quote: I have spent far too long feeling sorry for the kids who lost their father I experienced the same at a friend who whined to me recently that it would be here (in Germany) by now as it is in america where you need three jobs to survive...I called her up on her bullshit as thats quite frankly not true. She only needs her three jobs as she also felt too long too sorry for her son due to the loss of his dad....with saying that I am not undermining the fact that such a loss is hard, however, in her case she spoiled her son with a brand new car when he got his driving license and whatever other stuff and quite frankly, there is no need for that...so I did not let her get away with it to claim the country would have reached american standard when she overspoils her son (her son also has an own flat in her house and doesn't have to pay rent despite earning money in his apprenticeship). So I think it is good when you realise that you spent far too long feeling sorry, as sometimes those feelings can lead to counterproductive behaviour. In regards to chores, with all the kids and adults in residential care I worked, they didn't get away from chores. I worked with kids who had lost their parent(s) or had to handle the fact that their mom was in prison due to drugs and all other sort of problems...however, that itself doesn't give them a free ride. It is hard sometimes to experience from what background they are coming but at the same time they have to learn to take responsibility over their life gradually as well, so chores do start around the age of approx. 6 at my work places already and then slowly increase...and yes, chores don't get done, well, then privileges will be withdrawn if it becomes necessary.

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