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Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 8:06:41 AM

shorty21

Posts: 126
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: Des Moines
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i have just taken a job at a group home/care facility for Mentally incompetant adults. One of my residents died this morning. Can someone tell me if you ever get used to it?

She was special to me since i did most of her 1 on 1 care. It feels like a family friend has died....

Am i over-reacting??

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 8:10:46 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Not at all. You became attached to her. You've lost someone you cared for and it's natural to grieve. You will grieve less if you aren't attached to the person. So if someone else, who you didn't do a lot of caring for dies, that shouldn't affect you as badly.

The person to talk to is your supervisor. They will have more knowledge of how it affects them and having been through it, they will understand how you're feeling.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:04:54 AM

pahunkboy

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From: Central Pennsylvania
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It really is rewarding work- I did it for 5 years- mom and my sister also in the field. You MUST keep going for the others. They do better if the staff is consistent.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:18:43 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
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when i started in care (i work with the elderly) i was told that eventually you become immune to it. it felt awful when i lost my first lady and i liked her an awful lot. four years on though and it's not that i care less about their deaths, it's more that i'm glad when they haven't lingered and suffered. i've had some tricky situations to deal with but on the whole things haven't been too bad. it is worse with those you get very attached to but for most of them it's a blessing.

it's not how we react to their deaths that matter, it's how we helped them getting there that makes the difference.

so keep doing what you are doing, have your feelings, be strong for the people around you and their families because that is what they need. then you've done a job well.

needles

(in reply to pahunkboy)

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:28:40 AM

angelikaJ

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Becoming attached and caring is a part of the human condition.
I would be worried about you if you gave care to someone and it did not bother you.

You say it is a job that is new to you.
How long have you been doing it?

My advice to you is to focus on the good you were doing with her and the good you will continue to be doing with the other residents in the home. There is a lot of good that needs to be done and your being there made a difference.
The sadness you are feeling is a sadness that is shared by other staff and manager of that house, the residents and her family.
You are not alone even though it may feel that way.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:34:34 AM

LanceHughes

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My mom passed away about 8 weeks ago in a very caring facility. Before the body is moved, there is a memorial service for staff right in the deceased's room. There's quick phone calls to inform folks, a hand-out is made quickly, etc. My sister was at Mom's bedside and she thought it was a very touching gesture both for staff and herself.

If not an organized effort, maybe you could do something for yourself along those lines. Maybe keep a "Book of People I have Helped." Birthdays, date of passing, maybe a picture or a funny story.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 7/7/2011 11:36:32 AM >

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:54:41 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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You cared for someone on a 1-to1- basis for however long. During that time, you get to know that person. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. I think if you didn't feel anything about her death, it would be more worrisome. You are in a type of work where you get to spend a great deal of time with someone who starts as a stranger. You will often see how much of a struggle their life is or has been.

Please don't ever stop yourself from allowing yourself to feel these things. The people you care for need someone who has that level of compassion and caring.

I'm sorry for the loss of your patient.

(in reply to shorty21)

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 12:09:59 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shorty21

i have just taken a job at a group home/care facility for Mentally incompetant adults. One of my residents died this morning. Can someone tell me if you ever get used to it?

She was special to me since i did most of her 1 on 1 care. It feels like a family friend has died....

Am i over-reacting??

My daughter cared for the elderly and various special needs people for quite a few years. Over those years she had quite a few of her patients die. It was never easy and some were more difficult than others. It has always been her wish that it never become easy.

Dying and grieving is part of living. Embrace the time you shared with those you lose.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 1:26:32 PM

DavidLee44UK

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Joined: 5/13/2011
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never gets easier had a friend who had an accident ended up in a wheelchair

couldn't cope self harmed himself to death

only 21

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 2:54:52 PM

sunshinemiss

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I worked in a similar field for many years. Yes, it gets easier. It did for me anyway. It wasn't that I cared less or that I was not a concerned worker. It's that I learned how to manage my emotions better, how to prepare myself as things arose. I knew what would happen next. I learned how to take better care of myself during those types of situations. I learned to get the support that *I* needed. I learned a different perspective.

If you are new to the work, you are grieving not just the death of the person, but of your innocence. You now know that it's not "just a job." Some jobs extract a high emotional price from people. Please take care of yourself and get some support. When the time comes, you can better prepare yourself for the next experience.

You aren't overreacting. You are learning about yourself in a new situation. Please be gentle with yourself.

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 7/7/2011 3:02:18 PM >

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 3:49:13 PM

LinnaeaBorealis

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I worked for a few years as a Shanti practical volunteer in San Francisco. I became very bonded with one of my clients & when he went into the hospital for the last time, I went every day to talk with him & feed him, even though that wasn't part of my volunteer duties. When he died I mourned him more than any of the others, because I felt such an affinity toward him.

There should be some type of grief support through your job & if there isn't, look online for a grief support group that you can attend. You get close to people for whom you care & grieving them when they are gone is natural. Yes, it can get better as time goes on, especially if you follow Miss Sunshine's advice: learn to care for yourself.

I'd like to offer my sympathy to you on the loss of your patient & hope that you can find a way to take care of yourself.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 6:11:19 PM

kalikshama

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(in reply to shorty21)

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 6:17:30 PM

LadyHibiscus

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Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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Thank you for caring.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 6:35:20 PM

littlewonder

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I would be more worried if you did not feel like that.

The patient was someone you had a rapport with. You knew them and they were a friend. It's normal to feel grief for them.

Do you ever get used to it? To be honest I would hope not. I have a sister in law who is a nurse who has become used to it and just shrugs off anyone who dies in her care and refuses to even help anyone outside of work. Personally I feel sad that she is that way. It means a part of her soul and conscience has died imo.

Just grieve and give it time and keep that person in your memory.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 10:46:17 PM

Egillandpet

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From: http://www.collarme.com
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My pet you love so much and V was no different... I saw what a great job you did with her and continue to do with the other 42 in your care. I am so proud of you.

There is nothing wrong with caring that much. I know this is hard since you have only worked there 7 weeks. V is better now.... W/we have to believe that. My love your heart will heal... Remember it has to break a little to make room for all those you now care for.

I love you...

Daddy Egill

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 10:55:25 PM

shorty21

Posts: 126
Joined: 11/30/2006
From: Des Moines
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

awwww ty!!

Daddy... i love you....

i hope i dont go numb... I will miss her alot..... Daddys right... I have 42 others who depend on me in some way.... Grief will not come before my job.... Thank Y/you all.... Maybe this weekend wont be so bad for my 12 hour shifts if i remind myself she is better now...

_____________________________

If i knelt before you with my heart in my hands...would you take my heart and break my body...or break my heart and take my body??

F*ck PMS... This bytch has PMDD!!!

Crazier than a cracked out squirrel on Adderall...

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 16

RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:05:50 PM

Canaille

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Joined: 6/17/2011
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My sister is a RN working with extended care/hospice patients in her local hospital. She gets close to her patients all the time, and I've had to hold her hand more than once when one of them dies. I asked her how she could do it, over and over, just pick herself up and go back in and get attached all over again. She told me about a nurse that helped treat her daughter for leukemia, and looking at her and asking the same question about watching the kids that they couldn't cure die. She said that the nurse looked at her and told her that even when it was their final days, she felt better knowing that they were loved, and she could tell that they did, too.

I don't think it gets any easier, but I know that thinking of it that way helps my sister. I hope that it can help you.

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/7/2011 11:15:04 PM

tazzygirl

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Joined: 10/12/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shorty21

i have just taken a job at a group home/care facility for Mentally incompetant adults. One of my residents died this morning. Can someone tell me if you ever get used to it?

She was special to me since i did most of her 1 on 1 care. It feels like a family friend has died....

Am i over-reacting??

No, you are not overreacting. In fact, its exactly the compassion you need to do your job well. Does it ever get easier? Hell no. Rarely does it ever make sense. In all my posts about the medical fields I have worked in, no one may have realized I never mention pediatrics. Because I wont do peds. During clinicals, we lost a 5 year old to leukemia. The next night, we lost a toddler in the ER, a drowning victim. I cried for days afterwards. How I could do newborn nursery, I will never know. But I can do peds.

It never gets easier... but you will learn to accept their deaths a bit more easily... if that makes sense.

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 7/7/2011 11:16:04 PM >

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 1:25:15 AM

needlesandpins

Posts: 3901
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I would be more worried if you did not feel like that.

The patient was someone you had a rapport with. You knew them and they were a friend. It's normal to feel grief for them.

Do you ever get used to it? To be honest I would hope not. I have a sister in law who is a nurse who has become used to it and just shrugs off anyone who dies in her care and refuses to even help anyone outside of work. Personally I feel sad that she is that way. It means a part of her soul and conscience has died imo.

Just grieve and give it time and keep that person in your memory.

i think that's a rather harsh way for you to think. have you not thought that when you are around death so much you find you can't allow yourself to be so emotional over it all the time? it's hard to lose people that you care for but you can't let it rule your life or it actually stops you doing your job for the rest that are still here. it doesn't mean that your sister-in-law has lost anything at all, it means she has learnt to deal with it so she is fit to do her job and care for the ones still alive. it's very emotionally draining to do that sometimes, so if you let their death strip you too then you are left with nothing.

you have to reserve some emotion and feelings otherwise that's when things do start to die in you. your SinL cares for life and lets death go because she knows there is nothing more you can do when they are gone. what you also have to realise is that some people are just waiting for death, it's what they want. sometimes it's a huge blessing.

death is just what happens and you can't save everyone. people get old, sick, have accidents and they die. i don't care any less for any of the people i help look after just because it won't tear me apart when they pass. it's sad, and it can be very hard at the time, but if you work with it you learn to deal with it. some matter more than others, but they are not your family or close friends so you can't always let death be so emotional.

needles

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: Why does it feel like this and will it get better??? - 7/8/2011 1:37:28 AM

sunshinemiss

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I would be more worried if you did not feel like that.

The patient was someone you had a rapport with. You knew them and they were a friend. It's normal to feel grief for them.

Do you ever get used to it? To be honest I would hope not. I have a sister in law who is a nurse who has become used to it and just shrugs off anyone who dies in her care and refuses to even help anyone outside of work. Personally I feel sad that she is that way. It means a part of her soul and conscience has died imo.

Just grieve and give it time and keep that person in your memory.

That has got to be the most uneducated response I've seen on a topic like this. If her soul and conscience have died it sure isn't because of her work. In these kinds of jobs, you MUST keep a part of yourself hold back or you CAN'T DO ANY GOOD. Only people who don't understand this kind of work would dare say something that utterly ignorant and mean-spirited about people doing hard, emotionally taxing, devastatingly difficult jobs.

And if you are correct, and this person was her FRIEND and not her CLIENT, she's doing something wrong and is destined for quick burn out... and then someone else, someone who knows how to maintain their emotional integrity will have to take over.

sunshine

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