Focussing on His Sexuality (Full Version)

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OwnedFemaleFlesh -> Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 4:00:08 PM)

One of the main reasons we practice orgasm denial is that we strongly believe that the focus should be 100% on his sexuality, rather than mine. It should be about what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it, and part of my journey has been a question of learning how to do that. It is fairly easy for him to say 'I want (x)' and me to leap eagerly into the bedroom crying 'yes Sir!' but more complex is learning how to relate to someone without mentioning or bringing to their attention my sex drive or preferences.

Now before we continue, I just want to make it clear that this is only *our* relationship, I am not suggesting that others do this or should do this. But for us it is right.

I never before realised how often I tell my partner that I'm horny, that I am fantasising about (x) that I want him so much, etc. Most love being told this! But I completely realise that it's not suitable for my current relationship, where he wants me to be more passive and accepting of his sexuality, rather than constantly re-introducing the emphasis on what I feel, what I want, what I enjoy, etc.

So my question is - for the creative types out there, or those who have experience in this - what little things can I do (or stop doing) to show him that my focus is totally on him? For the Dom/mes, what ways do you like, or would you like a submissive to show you that they are completely happy with how much sex you do, or don't, give them, and how satisfied it makes them?

I would also like to point out that 99% of the time when someone posts a question on CollarMe, the first thing answerers do is try to psycho-analyse the person posting, wanting more info, giving their judgement on the relationship or activity. I would like to point out that I am not asking what people think of this practice, (many subs would probably hate it) but rather for any ideas about how I could improve my service in this area, or any quirky ideas people may have.

Thank you muchly!

owned xxx



angelikaJ -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 4:14:13 PM)

I don't think that desiring him (as long as you understand that he is unlikely to act upon your desires) and fully committing yourself to serving him sexually are mutually exclusive.
Can you not then channel your energies into serving him?



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 4:46:16 PM)

I would think that if you are satisfied and content in your service, that would come through naturally. Trying to convince him of it would be faking it.




LafayetteLady -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 5:28:47 PM)

I'm sorry, but it almost sounds as if you aren't supposed to find any sexual satisfaction in any of these activities, just present yourself to him to perform whatever he wants.

I understand that this is how you have chosen to conduct your relationship. But didn't you get into this "lifestyle" because you enjoyed what it entailed?

I'm really not understanding. If you enjoy giving him a blowjob, are you not supposed to show enjoyment, or are you supposed to suppress that enjoyment and start thinking that the only reason you do it is because he said so?

I really just don't understand. I'm not into the concept of having sex when only one person is going to enjoy it, and that person isn't me. Yes, we all compromise for our partners at some point, but all the time? Not for me.

Maybe you could explain a bit better?



kiwisub12 -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 5:48:00 PM)

Seems to me if you completely deny your sexuality and concentrate on his, then you are living (i hope) a lie. You are sexual, you can't help it , so wanting only to concentrate on his is a bit odd on your part.

Of course, if he is wanting you to be passive until activated, then you need to be that. Don't bring up sex or sexuality -wait until he brings it up ( pun not really intended - but totally appropriate). Serve his coffee the way he wants it when he wants it. Keep the kitchen clean and organised. Leave the toilet seat up. Basically, you are serving his needs not yours. Seems to me that you are trying to be the best subbie possible, in all aspects. Sexuality is just one part of this. Sexual denial isn't my cup of tea, but more power to you.



DecadentDesire -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 5:54:26 PM)

I share the same thoughts and questions as LafayetteLady. I just don't quite understand what your getting at.

The idea of asking a girl to forsake all personal enjoyment during sex is completely foreign to me.

In my experiences, when I am receiving something that is specifically about my sexual pleasure, the girl receives enjoyment indirectly, because she knows I am being pleased. It's symbiotic.

As far as knowing her focus is on my sexual pleasure, well...I tell her to kneel and suck my cock and she does it with enthusiasm and without hesitation. That type of scenario is how I know she is focused on me.

Doesn't really get any more complicated than that *shrugs*.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 5:57:06 PM)

Not my cup of tea either, kiwi. I was looking around and found another post where she indicated she is allowed "one orgasm a year, at Christmas." That leaves me to believe that she shouldn't be showing any enjoyment the rest of the time, because it may lead to a forbidden orgasm.

I'm with you, denying your own sexuality is living a lie, and won't end up with a healthy long term relationship, but with resentment. Unless of course, one doesn't really care for sex anyway.



LafayetteLady -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 6:02:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

I share the same thoughts and questions as LafayetteLady. I just don't quite understand what your getting at.

The idea of asking a girl to forsake all personal enjoyment during sex is completely foreign to me.

In my experiences, when I am receiving something that is specifically about my sexual pleasure, the girl receives enjoyment indirectly, because she knows I am being pleased. It's symbiotic.

As far as knowing her focus is on my sexual pleasure, well...I tell her to kneel and suck my cock and she does it with enthusiasm and without hesitation. That type of scenario is how I know she is focused on me.

Doesn't really get any more complicated than that *shrugs*.



And if she gets sexual satisfaction of her own from the act, is this a problem?

That's where my confusion lies. I get doing something for your d-type because that is what they want, even if it isn't something you would *choose* to do. But beyond the enthusiasm and lack of hesitation, wouldn't the fact that she enjoys it herself be a good thing? In choosing a partner, I believe it is imperative to choose someone whose interests are similar enough to yours that while one might not be "in the mood" for something, they do it because they are told to. That happens even in vanilla relationships.

This OP however, makes zero sense to me. Then again, I would never be involved with someone who wanted me to not get personal satisfaction and enjoyment out of sex, so that could be why I think it is weird.



DecadentDesire -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 6:11:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

And if she gets sexual satisfaction of her own from the act, is this a problem?

That's where my confusion lies. I get doing something for your d-type because that is what they want, even if it isn't something you would *choose* to do. But beyond the enthusiasm and lack of hesitation, wouldn't the fact that she enjoys it herself be a good thing? In choosing a partner, I believe it is imperative to choose someone whose interests are similar enough to yours that while one might not be "in the mood" for something, they do it because they are told to. That happens even in vanilla relationships.


I agree that like any other relationship it comes down to compatibility. I certain don't want someone to martyr themselves half of time in their quest to please me.

And no, it won't be a problem if she got sexual satisfaction of her own from it.

I try to stay away from that whole "Is it twue submission if she is enjoying it?" line of thinking.

If she is doing what I tell her and we are both finding happiness and fulfillment being together, then that's good enough for me. Whether she is enjoying it because it pleases me or enjoying it becomes it gives her direct sexual pleasure isn't important to me.

quote:


This OP however, makes zero sense to me. Then again, I would never be involved with someone who wanted me to not get personal satisfaction and enjoyment out of sex, so that could be why I think it is weird.


Same here. As a dominant, never once crossed my mind to have that expectation.



ariadne2771 -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 6:14:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh
I would also like to point out that 99% of the time when someone posts a question on CollarMe, the first thing answerers do is try to psycho-analyse the person posting, wanting more info, giving their judgement on the relationship or activity. I would like to point out that I am not asking what people think of this practice, (many subs would probably hate it) but rather for any ideas about how I could improve my service in this area, or any quirky ideas people may have.


I don't know of even one message board where this request would be honored.  Too many members have to respond, whether it's appropriate or not.  Human nature, I suppose.

I don't have any advice for you, Owned, but I wish you luck.



littlewonder -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 6:41:38 PM)

Master has spoken of not allowing me orgasms in the future so that I will not be focused on my desires but all on him and his needs/desires/pleasures/whims. There are times when he will deny me for long periods of time because he feels I've become too "mememe". In the future if he decides he doesn't want me to orgasm then that's how it will be. Will I still stay with him? Most likely yes because I understand the spiritual nature of why he does what he does and agree with him <even though it sucks sometimes lol>. For us it's about him and serving him and not about me and what I want.

To focus more on his sexuality than my own I make sure I dress in a way that he likes so that he finds me desireable, I try to curb my behaviour in the same way and I do what he tells me to do and I don't orgasm unless he tells and allows me to. Until then I assume he doesn't want me to.




HannahLynHeather -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 8:54:33 PM)

sorry, can't fucking help ya. i want heather dripping for me as much as i am for her.



coookie -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 9:00:47 PM)

I like your style Hannah



sexyred1 -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 9:06:36 PM)

I really do not understand the thinking behind denying orgasms so that a woman will focus only on the man.

Wouldn't that just make the woman more horny and focused on herself???

I am also of the opinion that sex is a mutual pleasure thing.

If I am not getting off, then someone will be hearing about it. :)



myotherself -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 9:24:11 PM)

I always like to make sure that Master is sexually satisfied - knowing he is gives me incredible pleasure. However, he also likes to make sure it's the same for me too. While orgasm restriction is part of our relationship (we're not living together), when we are together he likes me to orgasm several times...thankfully!

I'm not sure I could ever be in a relationship where my personal sexual pleasure wasn't taken into account, although I have chatted with several Doms who were into orgasm denial on a big scale.

I show my service to him sexually by making sure that what I do to him/for him is exactly the way he likes it so that he gets maximum pleasure from it. I watch how he reacts to different things and make a mental note to do it that way again if he seems to be really enjoying it. Getting into the correct position for him without him having to tell me is something he really appreciates, for example.



pwnerandpwned -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 9:37:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh


I would also like to point out that 99% of the time when someone posts a question on CollarMe, the first thing answerers do is try to psycho-analyse the person posting, wanting more info, giving their judgement on the relationship or activity. I would like to point out that I am not asking what people think of this practice, (many subs would probably hate it) but rather for any ideas about how I could improve my service in this area, or any quirky ideas people may have.




Hah..yes, the "if you don't have anything nice to say..." seems to often end with "..come up with something mean or unhelpful to say" around here. ;)

For us (and this may or may not be applicable to what you're trying to accomplish), there is one type of thing I enjoy her doing that shows focus on my sexuality, but makes her own mood obvious to me without words. We simply call it "surprises" most of the time, but basically it's when she takes her own initiative to do something unplanned by me that will arouse me. She knows me well and knows my likes, and even if I'm not in the mood to be frisky when she makes one of these gestures, it still makes me smile.

This evening, I took a nap, and awoke to her in a corset, latex panties, and a ball gag (I use her as my alarm clock often, because...well...awaking to a soft touch is much better than a loud beep). Things like this make me feel as if she is thinking of me and my needs, while still silently showing she has a current lust for my attention.



Palliata -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 10:57:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh
I would also like to point out that 99% of the time when someone posts a question on CollarMe, the first thing answerers do is try to psycho-analyse the person posting, wanting more info, giving their judgement on the relationship or activity. I would like to point out that I am not asking what people think of this practice, (many subs would probably hate it) but rather for any ideas about how I could improve my service in this area, or any quirky ideas people may have.


Yeah, well, you only think that because you're projecting your own issues with aggression onto the forum.

In all seriousness, though, this analysis is quite astute, as others have acknowledged. I prefer to think of it as a trial by fire, but of course there's a reason the practice that metaphor references was done away with.

As to your question, that will come through naturally as you get into the right mindset. The fact that you are thinking of these things is a start, and the maintenance of the correct mindset should be your second duty, your first being, of course, actual service to your master.



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 11:12:44 PM)

quote:

i want heather dripping for me as much as i am for her.
Of course you do, you don't do the laundry..



LafayetteLady -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/9/2011 11:39:48 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

If I am not getting off, then someone will be hearing about it. :)


Shit, you take the time to talk to them about it? I can't be bothered with that. They just get kicked to the curb.



foxling -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 1:22:09 AM)

I think I get it, in theory anyway. I also think it wouldn't work for me - I'd interpret it as 'I serve him until he wants me, doing all my tasks in the meantime and committing to service' but I know I'd also end up taking a lot of attention to the way I look as a means of subtly trying to remind him of what he's got (I don't mean prancing around cleaning in lingerie, but styles of clothing I knew appealed, nice clothes/fit/colours/etc) and then getting really upset if I thought it had been too long and he hadn't instigated anything because clearly that would mean that he wasn't interested and I was the most hideous creature this side of kingdom come.

Orgasm control/denial in my case is about stopping me being all 'mememe' (because the OP I do spend a lot of time saying that I'm fantasising about XYZ or that I'd love to be doing ABC) but also just that it's really fun. Well, not so much when he says no (!) but because I/we enjoy knowing he's got that ultimate say. But even if he's not going to give me permission on a particular time that doesn't mean I can't have thoughts about sex at all, and can't talk about what I'd like to be doing. I'd have thought many partners would be flattered to know how much you want them? Even if, as I say, they hold the power in the exchange and aren't going to act on that.



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