RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (Full Version)

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kiwisub12 -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 5:38:31 AM)


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ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

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i want heather dripping for me as much as i am for her.
Of course you do, you don't do the laundry..





You mean???? .................................... you wear panties?????????????????????



SimplyMichael -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 9:05:15 AM)


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ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh

I never before realised how often I tell my partner that I'm horny, that I am fantasising about (x) that I want him so much, etc. Most love being told this! But I completely realise that it's not suitable for my current relationship, where he wants me to be more passive and accepting of his sexuality, rather than constantly re-introducing the emphasis on what I feel, what I want, what I enjoy, etc.



I recently left someone because while there were probably at least as twisted as I am, I could not guide them to a place where they could be exactly how you were, life is tragic that way sometimes.

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So my question is - for the creative types out there, or those who have experience in this - what little things can I do (or stop doing) to show him that my focus is totally on him? For the Dom/mes, what ways do you like, or would you like a submissive to show you that they are completely happy with how much sex you do, or don't, give them, and how satisfied it makes them?


Gift wrap a jar of topical analgesic with a note that it is for your nipples, clit, and asshole so that you won't feel anything as he uses them to pleasure himself. Most guys would get the hint. For the record, that would make a hot scene for me but I would die without hearing her tell me how badly she needs to clean my rock after I raped her ass. To me, its the little things in life.



DesFIP -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 9:28:29 AM)

I would think the op would do best if she could completely close off her sexuality. Her focus would never be on what she enjoyed if she never enjoyed it.

Of course that does mean that for that one minute on Christmas, she wouldn't be able to do what he wanted (have an orgasm) but considering the rest of the time would be entirely without any sexual desire on her part I doubt he'd miss giving her that. I'm sure there's a book or a cd she could ask for as a Christmas present instead.

I do think that a relationship where one person's needs are never fulfilled will be a joyless one, but since that's what the op and her partner want, that's their business.



stclaircouple -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 10:12:10 AM)

In our relationship we practice orgasm denial also, but if she has been serving my sexual needs well and enthusiastically, as a reward we also practice orgasm control. Where I use a mix of toy and sex to train her to restrain her orgasm until I let her cum. That is fun training. If she cums early the denial lasts longer until next training. She is a sexual person, so we found this compromise, find your compromise or unfortunately you may not be happy in this relationship ever.



agirl -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 11:33:26 AM)

I'm not sure there IS any little things or even big things that can show my focus is entirely on HIS sexuality because it's always been about us both.

Unless it was utterly genuine, then no matter what I did it would show so very clearly.

If YOU strongly believe that it should be focussed on him and him alone, then I'm supposing he ought be able to read that in you and your behaviour?  What else IS there?

agirl



graceadieu -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 12:48:17 PM)

While indefinite orgasm denial wouldn't work for us at all, I do somewhat understand where you're coming from. I can and do get off when he wants me to, but I can't try to initiate things or seduce him for somewhat similar reasons as your orgasm denial.

It is tough! I never realized before how much I do little things to try to seduce my partner when I want sex, even if it's just wearing a sexy outfit or something. Learning to let go of that behavior and just chill out and wait with equanimity for his desire is definitely a process. One that's very worth for it for the delicious loss of control and for his pleasure, but still a challenge sometimes. I find it helps a lot for me if I get off at least once a week, just clears my head and helps me focus on other things, but it sounds like that's not an option for you.

I don't know that you should do anything in particular to let him know that your focus is totally on him and that you're content with that, other than by just being patient and showing it through your actions and demeanor.



OwnedFemaleFlesh -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 3:24:32 PM)


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ORIGINAL: graceadieu
It is tough! I never realized before how much I do little things to try to seduce my partner when I want sex, even if it's just wearing a sexy outfit or something. Learning to let go of that behavior and just chill out and wait with equanimity for his desire is definitely a process.


Lol yes, I also never realised how many little things I do to indicate that I want sex, or what kind of sex I want. And I never realised that it could be working against me. i.e. I'm going all out to indicate that I want to give him a blowjob, and he was thinking more about sex, or vice versa. The more I let him drop the hints, and then I follow them, the happier he seems to be, the better, and more sex we have (not that it was ever in any doubt but...) and I'm also much happier being sure that I'm not the back seat driver. It's definitely helped make sure that we're both on the same page and not racing off in our own equally hot but very different directions.

I think some of it is just that I always thought it made me the superbabe to be horny, up for it, maybe even slightly dominant. It's been really interesting to even consider and make an attempt at giving out no signals at all, and only responding to his signals. For one thing, it's made me pick up more clearly on what he is saying, rather than trying to guide conversations round to what I wish he was saying!

Anyway, thanks for your reply, it was really interesting to hear from someone who is doing something similar :-)

owned xxx



Arpig -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 3:34:38 PM)

I happen to like it when a sub basically begs for some and I get to turn her down. To me that will make her more focused on my sexuality than anything else. To remind her that it really doesn't matter how horny she is, it's my horniness that dictates when and if the sex happens.

Besides that, I like to know she wants me, that she craves my touch. And being a guy, I don't do subtle hints well. [:D]



OwnedFemaleFlesh -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 3:47:54 PM)


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ORIGINAL: foxling

I think I get it, in theory anyway. I also think it wouldn't work for me - I'd interpret it as 'I serve him until he wants me, doing all my tasks in the meantime and committing to service' but I know I'd also end up taking a lot of attention to the way I look as a means of subtly trying to remind him of what he's got (I don't mean prancing around cleaning in lingerie, but styles of clothing I knew appealed, nice clothes/fit/colours/etc) and then getting really upset if I thought it had been too long and he hadn't instigated anything because clearly that would mean that he wasn't interested and I was the most hideous creature this side of kingdom come.

Orgasm control/denial in my case is about stopping me being all 'mememe' (because the OP I do spend a lot of time saying that I'm fantasising about XYZ or that I'd love to be doing ABC) but also just that it's really fun. Well, not so much when he says no (!) but because I/we enjoy knowing he's got that ultimate say. But even if he's not going to give me permission on a particular time that doesn't mean I can't have thoughts about sex at all, and can't talk about what I'd like to be doing. I'd have thought many partners would be flattered to know how much you want them? Even if, as I say, they hold the power in the exchange and aren't going to act on that.


You know, I hadn't really thought about dressing up to please him, but knowing him he'd probably quite like that, without it coming across as being too expecting of anything.

I totally identify with the denial being about stopping the 'mememe' I was incredibly orgasm and pleasure focussed when we first started out, and I actually love how denial is changing me, so that I genuinely am satisfied when I know he is, and that this seems to satisfy some part of myself. The trick now is to break out of the little habits that might seem to suggest otherwise to him, and maybe to develop some new little habits which show how happy I am with the power and control that he has over our sex life.

There's no way I'm ever going to stop thinking about sex, lol, it's just too good, even without the orgasms. And it's so obvious that I want him that I doubt he would ever feel lacking in that knowledge, which is why I don't need to constantly be reminding him. But more than that, as a submissive, it's so good to let his preferences just take over. I've done the wild crazy sex thing before, I've had over 100 orgasms in a day, but nothing satisfies me like submitting sexually to him does. I know it may seem to others to be a kind of joyless, frigid existence but nothing could be further from the truth. I'm on a constant sexual, submissive high, and the pleasure I get from sex now is profoundly satisfying, it's more than physical or romantic pleasure, it's a deeply submissive pleasure in serving someone else (and through service, meeting my own need to serve). I wouldn't recommend it for most people, but I do find it a little odd that chastity is so well accepted and practiced in F/m couples, yet meets with such a confused reaction in the F/f and M/f scene. What's good for the goose is good for the gander :-D

owned xxx



OwnedFemaleFlesh -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 3:52:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I happen to like it when a sub basically begs for some and I get to turn her down. To me that will make her more focused on my sexuality than anything else. To remind her that it really doesn't matter how horny she is, it's my horniness that dictates when and if the sex happens.

Besides that, I like to know she wants me, that she craves my touch. And being a guy, I don't do subtle hints well. [:D]



Lol, I totally understand that, and I think that's how my mind was working for previously. But now that we've settled into it I think he just loves having a kind of sex toy that he can pick up at will, or not, if he so prefers, without that constant little voice reminding him that his toy is so, so horny, and that his toy hasn't had any part of her Owner to pleasure for ages and ages now, and how much his toy would love it if her Owner was performing (x) on her at that exact moment in time. I guess it could be taken for nagging / pressurising after a while!

owned xxx



Arpig -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/10/2011 4:11:07 PM)

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Lol, I totally understand that, and I think that's how my mind was working for previously. But now that we've settled into it I think he just loves having a kind of sex toy that he can pick up at will, or not, if he so prefers, without that constant little voice reminding him that his toy is so, so horny, and that his toy hasn't had any part of her Owner to pleasure for ages and ages now, and how much his toy would love it if her Owner was performing (x) on her at that exact moment in time. I guess it could be taken for nagging / pressurising after a while!
LOL, well I guess I'm just fonder of blow jobs then, because I can't imagine going "ages and ages" without getting some sort of pleasuring out of her. [:D]

I honestly can see what you're getting at and where you're trying to go. I can even see how it could be satisfying for you, where I hit the stumbling block is why on earth he would want it this way. That's what I just can't understand. it's the same with orgasm denial...just can't fathom the pleasure in it, can't figure out what he gets out of it. Not that I'm going to lose any sleep over it (says the life-long insomniac who often goes 3 or 4 days without any sleep [;)]).



EligibleOwner -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/11/2011 5:07:21 AM)

I completely understand this, and love the way you're thinking. I think I'm quite like your owner.

I think this is about playing with and enjoying extreme, old-fashioned and perhaps now politically incorrect psychological images of man as sexual and active, woman as asexual, passive and purely receptive. I think it's also about an obsession with female selflessness and service. Maybe it's about having that ultimate virgin/whore woman: she's virginal in her own mind, and saintly in her endurance and self-abnegation, but also of course made to endure extreme sexual use. I have no wish to own an unhappy woman, but can imagine a woman getting a deep emotional satisfaction from martyring herself to my needs. I'd very much like to be with that sort of martyr, too.

I'd like to take this further myself, and have a couple of ideas - though you've probably thought of them already. Or they may be mad.

First, the way you dress matters, I think, or it does to me. I'd want you quite businesslike and buttoned up: a bit like a female office worker, 24/7. Or the "martyr" idea above makes me think of a sort of devotional uniform, a bit like a nun. The idea would be not to make you asexual or neuter, but to get you used to the idea you're in service, not with a lover. Your knickers would only come down when he allows, to piss and sleep, and to be raped (see below). One way forward might be for him only to rape you during waking hours when you were dressed. Another way might be at night - see below.

Abstinence, or sexual denial, might be fun. You could train yourself in enduring long periods without sex. Some people like using chasitity devices, and you could too. He could focus on raping you orally and anally, too.

I wonder how you think about "rape". If you like the idea of him raping you, you could try to shift your thinking so that you never have sex - he just rapes you when he likes. Only a word, but if it's the word both of you always use, it could help.

You could try hypnosis. There are hypnosis scripts and mp3s supposedly to cure sex addiction, and you could think of yourself as addicted if you have any desires of your own at all. He could try suggestions to make you think of yourself as "frigid" (perhaps a good word to meditate on) and as having no sexuality apart from as an object.

And of course he could rape you in ways that emphasises his activity, your passivity. For instance, my attraction for sexually passive women means I like irrumation - facefucking. There's no question of her having any control whatever. He could rape you like that when you were on your knees or when you were lying on your back. But I bet you do that already.

Might it help to link his taking you with a good dose of pain and humiliation, to make sure you don't enjoy it?

He might want to explore raping you while you're asleep. It's not something I've done, and I'd be very concerned about safety, but I wonder whether a good, safe sleeping pill might help.

And he could stop you sleeping with him. That seems to me to give opportunities for sensuality and for you to enjoy the feeling of a man's body near your own. You could instead have a separate bedroom or sleep in a place of your own (a cage, maybe ... ) where he would come to rape you if he wanted.

EO



NuevaVida -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/11/2011 11:53:35 AM)

He doesn't practice orgasm denial the way you experience it, and while I've never received an edict as to where my focus should (or should not be), I've had a few thoughts on sexual focus, myself.

It's really easy to think OMG I'm hot for you, and if you did XYZ to me I'd melt all over you...etc.  But that's focusing on me, and I'm thinking after awhile, maybe he'd better enjoy things if my focus was on HIM and what might make HIM feel good.  I can still get off on that, of course, because I love watching him get off sexually.  So instead of the "I'd go fucking nuts if you did this to me" thoughts and comments, I instead express how much I love seeing him get off, and the various ways I'd love to get him off.  Whether it's a blow job, buying a skimpy, slutty dress to parade around in as his eye candy, crawl to him to kiss his feet, hold him with my mouth while he pees...among a bunch of other stuff.

What does HE like, and can I express my desires for that, rather than making myself feel good.

Not to say I don't express what makes me feel good, but I'm offering a better balance, if that makes sense.



OwnedFemaleFlesh -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/12/2011 3:40:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner
I think this is about playing with and enjoying extreme, old-fashioned and perhaps now politically incorrect psychological images of man as sexual and active, woman as asexual, passive and purely receptive. I think it's also about an obsession with female selflessness and service. Maybe it's about having that ultimate virgin/whore woman: she's virginal in her own mind, and saintly in her endurance and self-abnegation, but also of course made to endure extreme sexual use.


Whilst I agree about the extremes of endurance and self denial, I would have to say that gender doesn't come into it for us. Sir is quite forward thinking, and for him denial and objectification are just examples of his control. He seems to enjoy control more than any person I've ever met. He never tires of knowing he has that control, and this is how we find ourselves going down this path. Of course, I can easily see how your examples are working for you, and how you could take them forward.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner
First, the way you dress matters, I think, or it does to me. I'd want you quite businesslike and buttoned up: a bit like a female office worker, 24/7. Or the "martyr" idea above makes me think of a sort of devotional uniform, a bit like a nun. The idea would be not to make you asexual or neuter, but to get you used to the idea you're in service, not with a lover.


We do already have dress protocols, but I do like the idea of something denoting that my time with him is service, rather than leisure time. I think I will look into that and see what I can come up with.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner
Abstinence, or sexual denial, might be fun. You could train yourself in enduring long periods without sex. Some people like using chasitity devices, and you could too. He could focus on raping you orally and anally, too.

I wonder how you think about "rape". If you like the idea of him raping you, you could try to shift your thinking so that you never have sex - he just rapes you when he likes. Only a word, but if it's the word both of you always use, it could help.


To be honest, Sir prefers good old fashioned sex, and he doesn't like anything that would restrict access, or any play which would mean he couldn't have sex whenever he wanted. We tend to go with the word 'use' for sex, as it highlights the objectification of it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner
Might it help to link his taking you with a good dose of pain and humiliation, to make sure you don't enjoy it?


I doubt this would lessen my enjoyment ;-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: EligibleOwner
And he could stop you sleeping with him. That seems to me to give opportunities for sensuality and for you to enjoy the feeling of a man's body near your own. You could instead have a separate bedroom or sleep in a place of your own (a cage, maybe ... )


As much as I love the idea of cages, Sir loves me being near him in bed. I have to admit, you came up with some great, original ideas (why aren't you already exploring them?!) but too many of them would involve Sir changing what he does (not likely) rather than me changing what I do - which is all that is in my power to do. I'll definitely take away the idea about dressing to denote service though, as I can feel how right that idea would be for us. I'd love to hear how it turns out if you ever do manage to carry out any of these suggestions?

owned xxx



EligibleOwner -> RE: Focussing on His Sexuality (7/13/2011 6:22:36 AM)

Thanks, OFF. I'm glad I've given you some food for thought, anyway.



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