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Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 7:36:17 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Sorry but this is a bit of a mish mash of questions.

Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?

----------------------------------------
if this was meant to be,
don't condemn me to be free.

Post #: 1

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 7:41:16 AM

mixielicous

Posts: 1283
Joined: 4/6/2006
From: Boston area, Massachusetts
Status: offline

the collar is His i think. i was under the impression you return the collar to Him as it was a *symbol* of ownership, and not gift per say?

edit to add, quite possible to be in love with two people, but only one will be soul mate

_____________________________

"lets just say he's a few prawns short of a galaxy"

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 2

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 7:43:19 AM

tangldupinblue

Posts: 230
Joined: 3/20/2006
Status: offline

heres my mish mash opinion, yes it is possible to be in love with two people at once, i am. i love my husband who is very vanilla and i love my Daddy who is so not.yes it is because they both offer me something completely different from life.

i really dont think its ever possible to "go back" and give it up for good, i tried for a long time to forget what i was but it just bit me in the ass really hard, be honest with yourself and your next partner about what you are, if your not it will just end that much quicker.

should you give him back his collar, ask him if he wants it. but i think that its incredably rude to "reuse" a collar. it should be unique to its wearer.

hope this helps.

blue

_____________________________

Those who deserve punshiment, take it calmly.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 3

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 7:47:56 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Ty to you both.
I'm actually thinking more along the lines that in returning the collar it gives me some kind of closure. As he claims he is giving up bdsm i don't think he would reuse it and i definately would not wear it again. However in a box in my wardrobe it is already starting to become a painful reminder which i am loath to give up as it is a memory but maybe too painful of one.

(in reply to tangldupinblue)

Post #: 4

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 7:50:02 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mixielicous

the collar is His i think. i was under the impression you return the collar to Him as it was a *symbol* of ownership, and not gift per say?

edit to add, quite possible to be in love with two people, but only one will be soul mate

The collar belongs to the Dominant, so return it. Why would you want to keep it?

I guess it's possible to love to people at the same time. I don't always buy the "I have a vanilla wife" thing, but that's my view.

I think vanilla with kinky sex is possible, but I think the only way for someone to give up BDSM would be if it really just wasn't for you.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to mixielicous)

Post #: 5

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 7:50:43 AM

tangldupinblue

Posts: 230
Joined: 3/20/2006
Status: offline

then yes get rid of it. you dont need to give it back to him unless you need to give it back, but theres no point to having a box full of hurt in your closet.

blue

_____________________________

Those who deserve punshiment, take it calmly.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 6

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 8:15:12 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

I am in agreement with Oside. The collar belongs to the Master. I do not wear 'my' collar, I wear His and if he were to release me, his property would/should be returned to dispose of or give to another as he chooses.

YMMV

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to tangldupinblue)

Post #: 7

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 8:38:02 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

http://www.collarchat.com/m_202026/mpage_1/key_collar/tm.htm#202026
Old Collars

http://www.collarchat.com/m_176055/mpage_1/key_collar/tm.htm#176055
Return Collar

Reposted:
Traditional history is that the collar is always the property of the master, who simply places it upon his/her property as a symbol of ownership. Thus, when the slave is no longer his property, the collar is returned to its rightful owner.

But if we want to forget that, it's rare that a sub WANTS to keep a collar from a former dom.

And it would be in VERY bad taste for a dominant to ever use the collar on someone else if it was a collar specifically made/bought for that relationship.

However, if you work it out in the end that the slave gets the collar, then go for it. In a previous relationship when I asked to be released, the dom made me take the collar saying it was a gift to me. I haven't worn it or thrown it out and have no idea if I ever will do either.

With the advent of collars becoming more about status symbols and substitutes/additions for romantic relationships rather than literal ownerships, it would behoove those involved to consider the emotional aspects of the situation and not solely the practical ones.

quote:

Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

It's possible that he's in love with you both, yes.

It doesn't seem that he's capable of maintaining healthy relationships with you both however. I think that's more important right now.

quote:

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?

It's a common step for a novice,a fter their first big break up or first big disillusionment of the scene, that they retreat. They say "I'm leaving the lifestyle forever!" And then a few months later they come back.

I've known people who settled into marriage and, over time, evolved into a vanilla relationship together. But I've never known anyone who ran back to vanilla when it didn't work out and who didn't eventually come back around to bdsm.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 8

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 8:41:32 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Sorry but this is a bit of a mish mash of questions.

Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?

----------------------------------------
if this was meant to be,
don't condemn me to be free.

I would think that you return your collar as for the first question (at least I would).

For the second question, yes it is very possible to love more than one person at a time, not adviseable necessarily. The human spirit has infinite capability to love, and it loves everyone differently (My opinion)

I cannot imagine being vanilla again, and I have talked to many who tried it and failed. But that is just me and I could be wrong.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/17/2006 8:47:11 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 9

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 9:30:42 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Sorry but this is a bit of a mish mash of questions.

Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?

----------------------------------------
if this was meant to be,
don't condemn me to be free.

*HUG* Sounds like you are worried about things not working out.

It is totally possible to love a variety of people in a variety of ways. Each person is unique and I think the love that develops is unique too.

As for collars, in general they do return to the master though if its an ownership collar its impolite to use it for another person. When I've had a collar made for a specific person I send it with them when things end. I really don't want that memory around or if things ended well I want them to have it as a good memory.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 10

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 9:46:22 AM

NINASHARP

Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Sorry but this is a bit of a mish mash of questions.

Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

First I am sorry for your situation. It sucks to be released, but is his release by your request or his? I only ask is because perhaps you want to hold on to something that is over? And having one last chance to see him again? I know the majority think it is wise to give the Master's property back, especially collars. I kept my collar from my first Master. Mine didn't ask to have it back since it was picked out and given for only me to wear it was mine to keep. And because of the mixed emotions, in seeing him again, (he would constantly ask me to do lunch, while attempting to convinve me that I was wrong for asking for release). I didn't need another reason to have to be in his presence. You could mail it back though, if you wish to return it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation
Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

Anyone with a child or a relative they are close with knows that there are many different levels of love. Did he tell you he loved you? Are you grasping for something to hold on to here? Learning to let go is hard, but he is married so I'd let yourself heal and try to get some closure on this release. Sometimes the things in our lives that seem tragic at the moment, can be a blessing in disguise. I've read some of your other posts and what you shared about him so far. I think you will find what you are looking for, just not with this Master. If there was love, then be glad you had it and was allowed to share in it and are better from the experience.

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?
----------------------------------------
if this was meant to be,
don't condemn me to be free.

Ya know, I have asked myself that same question. I've had a lot of heart ache in my journey as both a submissive and as a Mistress. And it does seem to be a bit more painful compared to the broken relationship I had with my ex vanilla husband. I guess because you reveal so much of yourself, and its a deeper bond of trust than what you have in a vanilla relationship. I've tried to cut it out completely, but vanilla just doesn't satisfy me and seems rather boring now. So I keep going back to what fulfills me. On the otherhand, I no longer explore my submissive side. And yes I do on occassion question if I can ever go there again. Coming to forums like these and seeing the magic that others share in their experience, makes me miss it quite a bit. I think its a personal choice, and each person handles things differently.

I know you are hurting, and I really feel for you. Try to hang in there.

Nina

_____________________________

My stiletto boots fit like gloves around his wrists.. as I locked them on I knew we were a match!

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 11

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 9:50:36 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

For your first question... As far as I believe, the collar belongs to the Dominant. When released from the collar, it stays in the Dominant's possession. In fact, it never *left* the Dominant's possession in the first place. I keep my collars and never re-use them, but rather put them in a special place or box, much like other memorbilia.

For the second question.... sure, love is an infinite resource. It's just the time and energy to show that love that are limited and may need tweeked a little. (As a side note though, I *never* do the "I have a vanilla wife" thing.)

For the third question... I know a few people who have given up the lifestyle successfully and don't long for it at all. More often than not though, I know people who need to take a step away for a while, and then move back in.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 12

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 9:57:09 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

If the collar is a painful reminder, then by all means give it back. Yes, of course, you can love two people at the same time...more, even. But I am also sceptical of the "vanilla wife" thing.

Try leaving and see what happens...I think you'll prolly come back, but who knows?

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 13

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:03:48 AM

xxmstrchasxx

Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I believe the collar is the Dom's. I also believe it is possible to love two people at once, but sometimes hard to treat them equally as times goes on there seems to be a favorite.

_____________________________

XxMasterChasxX

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 14

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:18:19 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Sorry but this is a bit of a mish mash of questions.

Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

yes... the collar is the Master's not the slave's. Release means the collar goes back to the Master! Anything less would be dishonorable.

quote:

Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

YES.. I am deeply in-love with two wonderful women! alandra and kyra!

quote:

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?

yes it possible... would it be an easy choice no.. would it be easy to live without BDSM no. Would I want to do it NO. would I choose to do it... NO.. but I will not say never... I don't know want the future will bring... I just don't forsee it as a realistic choice.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 15

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:23:52 AM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

If i'm told to keep collar... I do... in a special box in my closet.. I have one from my very first Master in there... removed by his brother two days after Master's death... it's been in that same wooden box and with me for 20+ years. Every now and then I stumble across it while cleaning closet... brings back great memories. Because of the parting of ways.. that I won't go into because it angers me... my 2nd Master's collar is in ashes and blowing in the wind somewhere... he told me to keep it.. (Smiling as I think of the wonderful bon fire)

Loving two at one time... i'm sure it's possible...we do it all the time when we consider family... kids.. spouses.. friends... but I too believe there's a difference when saying you love two adults on certain levels. I don't flame thoughs that can have nilla loves and Owners/sub loves. It's just not for me. And something I can't believe to be true no matter how much it's beaten into me with words from others. I Do believe ones cares for each one of them.... in different ways.

I feel like you.. on not being able to live the nilla life again. I tried. Lord knows I did. And each time I found myself cuddling and what nots with the average Joe... it wasn't the same.... when things needed to be done.. I would jump to do them.. to be told to set down and relax... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... it's nice to be pampered sometimes... but hard when you are use to doing the pampering.. not the recieving... LOL

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to xxmstrchasxx)

Post #: 16

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:25:41 AM

brandeddolphin

Posts: 13
Joined: 3/24/2006
Status: offline

i believe that it is the Master that places the collar around your neck and it is the Masters place to take it off. what the Master does with it after that is His business.

(in reply to xxmstrchasxx)

Post #: 17

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:33:44 AM

Kirei

Posts: 146
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

The collar is his, unless he lets you keep it. But if he released you from it, you might not want to keep it. It is a reminder after all.

Yes you can love two people at once. Like I said in a previous post there are many worlds we live in vanilla, bdsm, love, friends, work, family, work. We need to find the balance between these worlds in ourselves. We need to know what we want out of each. Some slaves don't want a vanilla world at all. Some do. Some dominants want different things. It comes down to "know thyself". It involves asking those hard questions about you, and figuring out those answers in each of the those worlds. Yes its work..life is work. I also think that can help in answering question number three for you too.

When you know the questions for each that matter to you. The answers you want. Then you are able to find the person that is right for you in all the worlds you live in. If your looking for that...that is.

Koneko

(in reply to brandeddolphin)

Post #: 18

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:56:07 AM

DigitBox

Posts: 154
Joined: 3/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Reposted:
Traditional history is that the collar is always the property of the master, who simply places it upon his/her property as a symbol of ownership. Thus, when the slave is no longer his property, the collar is returned to its rightful owner.

But if we want to forget that, it's rare that a sub WANTS to keep a collar from a former dom.

And it would be in VERY bad taste for a dominant to ever use the collar on someone else if it was a collar specifically made/bought for that relationship.

However, if you work it out in the end that the slave gets the collar, then go for it. In a previous relationship when I asked to be released, the dom made me take the collar saying it was a gift to me. I haven't worn it or thrown it out and have no idea if I ever will do either.

With the advent of collars becoming more about status symbols and substitutes/additions for romantic relationships rather than literal ownerships, it would behoove those involved to consider the emotional aspects of the situation and not solely the practical ones.

Hmm... this is very interesting as it answers a question that has been stewing in my mind for some time about a relationship that never quite got off the ground.

My reaction to wanting to not continue to be together was to say no thanks and when can I give this collar back to you. His response was that it was a gift and sized for me so I might as well keep it.

He also tried to continue to get me back even though I repeatedly said no in the nicest way possible so that I wouldn't damage his feelings, but finally I had to lay it on the line and say forget about me. The more desperate he got the more I wanted to get away. But it felt like the collar was something he might feel made him believe he could still posses me.

But now I'm stuck with collar that never really got used for anything, and I feel like I can't go to one of the local fetish nights because I know he will be there. I really don't want to get him restarted on wanting to try and get to know me.

The collar was given to me before we had really gotten to know each other, I at the time didn't have a clue about the significance of the collar. To me it was a fetish item and to some a symbol of a Master/slave relationship, which wasn't something he or I were looking for.

For some reason he just thought that after a week or so of online chatting and then meeting at the fetish night that he was really into me, but after the second date the feeling was not mutual.

So I called it off and that's when all the crap happened and I tried to give back the collar.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 19

RE: Giving it up and returning it! - 5/17/2006 10:58:02 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Sorry but this is a bit of a mish mash of questions.

Firstly if your Master releases you is it 'the done thing' to return your collar to Him?

Most feel that the collar belongs to the Master...you are allowed to wear it.

quote:

Secondly is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time? Now i know this is a 24 million dollar question but to clarify a little, my ex master is married to a vanilla woman and has being having a bdsm and vanilla relationship with me. Is it possible he is in love with us both because we are two different lifestyles?

Yes, it's called Polyamory (or poly for short).

quote:

Thirdly i cannot imagine living a life vanilla anymore and feel that being submissive is a part of my base personality. Do any of you think it is possible to just give bdsm up for good?

Depends on if it's what you do, like a hobby, or who you are. If it's the former, you can give it up...find a new hobby. If it's the latter, you will feel empty.

Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 20

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