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ladyneedshelp -> RE: In Defense of Financial Domination (7/13/2011 11:39:09 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AAkasha
A lot of people have covered this in detail, but a few additional thoughts from a femdom who spent plenty of time filtering, evaluating, dating submissive (and vanilla) men.
It seems like you believe that as long as you are not "that" guy - the creepy staring guy, or the inappropriate guy, or the "brings up sexual fetishes in the first five minutes" guy, you are still treated like a second class citizen by lifestyle femdoms and have to prove yourself and are still treated with perhaps some prejudice before the word go. If I am reading correctly. And that this isn't really fair.
I know that as a single "lifestyle" femdom, I was generally more comfortable in the role of pursuit, rather than being pursued. Some men did approach me in an appropriate way (in person, online, at parties) and that's ok - but my lack of interest, or my cold shoulder, or my polite "thanks but no thanks" boils down to more how "being a dominant woman" wires into my comfortable role in a budding relationship: I pick the guy. I pursue. I peel him like an onion. I love the chase. I am a predator. I find that exciting.
So when a man approaches me and makes the first move, those instincts don't just "switch on" and I go into pursuit mode - the mode that you may have seen in the Financial Doms (as soon as you are paying them or indicate you will) - of course, it's their JOB to show that interest and to pursue so they can begin a successful transaction.
But for a lifestyle femdom, there has to be chemistry. I don't "pursue now, figure out of there's chemistry later." Chemistry is or isn't. If I am pursuing a man, it's because something he did, said, the way he smells, the way he walks, his eye contact, something he said in a letter to me - it sparked an interest in me that led me to want more. Simply being available isn't enough for me to exude the effort to "find out" if there's chemistry.
Some sub men think that if they indicate they are available, and they are at least presentable and polite, that it's not fair that a woman doesn't at least pursue or switch into the mode where she evaluates. He wants to be evaluated. The femdom is envisioned as the active one in courtship (and yes, in my case, it is true). But for most women, the ones that are pursuers by nature, they have to first have a spark of interest, and that interest is not just based on some simple criteria - nice, well dressed, seems educated, BAM. It's chemistry - attraction, lust, whatever. And if a man presents himself to her and the spark is not there, just because she is a dominant woman doesn't mean she will take action to begin the process of digging around for that spark and seeing if it's there. The ball is still in his court. He has to make the impression.
Ok, some subs find this "he has to make the impression" to be akin to "femdoms make subs jump through so many hoops, it's unfair." I get a lot of emails and approaches, even as a married femdom who just plays on the side, from subs that kind of go like this:
Sub: Hi. I'm interested, you seem like a good fit for me. (lots of additional, non offensive information).
Femdom: Hi, nice to meet you, thank you. (femdom is neither interested or not at this point - she has no idea. She doesn't NOT like him, he seems fine, but really, she's not having heart pounding butterflies either, it just is what it is - which is, at this point, nothing._
Sub: Ok...so, what do you want to know about me?
*crickets*
Basically, what happens is that when the sub presents that he's available and interested, and he hasn't totally offended or disgusted the femdom, but she hasn't had even close to enough info to decide if he's her type -- the sub thinks at THIS point, the femdom has the ball in her court. And since, after all, she is the "femdom," she will jump into action to go through the process to evaluate him, to drive the courtship, or, at the very least, to take initiative. In reality, it just does NOT work that way. Most femdoms don't "take over" or "being to peel the onion" until they have some interest - spark - chemistry. This is true with ALL kinds of intimate relationships however.
I think the problem is in the perception that just because dominant women often do - by their nature - take the initiative in courtship - that a man's role is minimized in courtship and the flirting/mating dance, and that once he signals both interest and availability, she will start the process of finding out what he is all about.
I'm very sensually, socially and sexually aggressive. When I like a man, I feel most comfortable in the role of pursuit. But I generally pick my "prey" based on my own criteria, and mere availability isn't enough to get my motor running. That requires that a sub man make more than just a good first impression, but instead, work on developing some rapport, share some hobbies with me. Or in a social setting, have a certain style that catches my eye and makes it impossible for me to leave the room without introducing myself. I have to want to get to know him. Sub or vanilla, doesn't matter. Attraction wins every time.
Akasha
. Amen could not have put it better!!!
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