RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change?

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 6:36:01 PM

Kedikat

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Joined: 4/20/2006
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I am jaded but hopeful.
I learn a bit each time. I try not to carry the disappointments onto the inocent bystanders. I have learned to go slower. But I have not let myself think that all are the same. Many are similar, but all are different. And during the search, I am changing as well. For better or worse. But changing. So maybe I am getting closer to someone that I will meet.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 7:50:05 PM

sharainks

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Joined: 12/13/2004
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Exactly Proprietrix, I've done the munch thing and found that the groups often faction, then split with a lot of hard feelings. Its disheartening and then you think in disgust that these are the "like minded" others that you sought.

Like you when its sex talk right off the bat I turn off immediately. I gave up a long time ago on the early morning posters with their U Wanna chat after figuring out that they mostly want hot talk to masturbate to bright and early in the morning.

Right now I'm still fighting my inner battles with less and less time to do it in. My new interest and I have spent two evenings r/t in getting to know you mode (and lots of phone hours) and we both know that the time to "take it out for a spin" is getting closer.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix
Offline, I've seen (and gotten caught up in) munch groups that become self-destructive: Cliques, ulterior motives, group splits, judgment based on weight-gain or income loss, too much inclusivity, too much exclusivity, gossip, back-stabbing, politics. To the point I just want nothing to do with the groups sometimes. When a new group starts up, I'm hesitant to even give it a try.

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 8:05:07 PM

Dustyn

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Joined: 4/5/2006
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I freely admit that I am beyond jaded when it comes to the concept of relationships. I'm getting used to being lied to, even to my face, ran out on, emotionally dismissed, physically attacked, and a host of other things. The 4 women in my life right now are ones that I trust implicitly, but then again, one of those is my daughter and she's not old enough to talk all that well. *chuckle*

I generally just chalk it up to excess baggage that they refuse to get over. I got my own baggage that I haul all over the known universe so I don't need other people's to clutter up my life.

Took me a long time to trust any of the other 3 women in my life, and in some ways, I still don't, but they at least talk with me about what bugs them. Beats what some of the psychos in my past have done, like try to break my back and attack me with my own swords/guns. I think some of it just has to deal with the maturity level of the other person, at least for me.

Eh, enough rambling. Either ya get what I'm saying or ya don't. *shrug*

- Dustyn

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 8:10:09 PM

slavejali

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The clique thing is the nature of the beast with any type of group..hard to find anywhere where that doesnt go on.

Re jadedness in general:

I think to get over being jaded, you just have to face reality. There are good and bad people in the world...and sometimes it seems there are more bad than good...but if you ever give up...you will never find that rose among the thorns. (yes yes i know, everyone wants thorns...but you know what I mean) grin

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 8:37:24 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

Oh this is such a great topic! I can understand exactly where you are coming from here. I have the same thoughts and I try very hard not to let them ruin any chance of finding a sub who truly wants to submit to me whole-heartedly. Just the mention of sex in the first email to me sends my finger to the delete button. It shouldnt be that way, but for me it is. I am interested in reading some of the responses too. I wish I had an answer for you.

I'm in total agreement here, which is strange because I think there's an unwritten code that males automatically must obsess about sex in every contact with a woman. For me, I really don't put that much emphasis on it, which in the last vanilla relationship caused problems of their own because I never caught on that my "girlfriend" at that time was concerned that I was never trying to get her into bed like every other guy she dated. So before she left, she revealed in a letter that she felt I wasn't really all that interested in her. I was. I just wasn't trying to jump her bones.

I translate that a lot in bdsm relationships as well. And that translation often doesn't seem to resonate with other people. I mean, I'm not different than any other guy in that I am sexually attracted to the dominant I end up serving, but at the same time I don't try to push or force sex into the relationship. In this whole "men are after sex" mentality we live with on a day to day basis, it often gives the impression to women that there's something wrong with me because I don't do things THAT way.

Anyway, I'm not really sure I have a point anymore. I kind of just wandered off on the topic....

(in reply to MistressOfGa)

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 8:40:55 PM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks
After many totally pointless emails, disappointing first meetings and relationships that turn out to be not what you seek, how do you regain a sense of newness, of openness to a new person?
....... Do others find themselves shutting down mentally when an idea is proposed and the first thing that comes to mind is "been there, done it, and its never worked so far." How do you turn off that shut off valve?
Initially in the lifestyle I had made up my mind that I would keep an open mind about all new experiences. In the last 4-5 years its been more of the uh yeah, tried that already. How many others have experienced this and what do you/did you do to get a better perspective on it?

I had hope. I focused on hope that 'Master Right' was out there and that all the trollmails and countless emails and IMs and phone calls would pay off in the end and I would fall in love; amid all the emails and IMs and phonecalls, it worked out an I am very happy.

I had up on my journal a while back, 'I passed jaded a while back, now I am cynical;' it was true, but, in the cynacism, I kept a glimer of hope and faith that someone would change my mind about the trolls and those who were NOT compatable; that kept me going.

Having great friends around and knowing tha even if nothing intimate or romantic came from an encounter or talking with someone, that a freindship was started; thats what counts is having friends, having a lover/partern/spouse/confidant is an added bonus.

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 8:46:48 PM

pissdoll

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kedikat

I am jaded but hopeful.

i don't want to be jaded but hopeful. i try to look at it more as being realistic.
there was once a time where i would hand out my yahoo or phone number after a nice conversation or two. i would meet for coffee and see where things went.

it gets old having to delete people out of yahoo and screen all of your calls after you find out the person isn't who they say they are. the 15 year old pic of the persona who swept you off your feet (why didn't he just send a current one anyway???) and the man with no experience who claimed to have years (there's nothing WRONG with no experience when you are honest) and the opening emails that you will never respond to of "hey cunt...i wanna fuck/piss all over/lick/<insert very bizarre action here> you. gimme your phone number. let's meet tonight." (does ANY woman ever really respond to that????)

hmmmm i take it back...i'm jaded right there with ya!!!!

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 8:59:42 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll

it gets old having to delete people out of yahoo and screen all of your calls after you find out the person isn't who they say they are. the 15 year old pic of the persona who swept you off your feet (why didn't he just send a current one anyway???)

I'll admit that up until just a year or so ago, I was guilty of the same thing, but it wasn't because of some personal desire to keep using an old picture. I kind of fell into a belief that that picture I took ten or so years ago was identical to how I look now. People sometimes actually believe that because they don't believe they've changed.

So, a photographer friend of mine snapped a shot of me last year, and I put that up for my photo instead. And I was pretty happy with it.

Well, only recently, a female friend of mine (who has seen this picture on other non-bdsm boards I frequent with her) indicated that perhaps it is time for me to update my picture again. I said the same thing: "But I haven't changed..." She then pointed out that I was probably now about 20 pounds lighter than I was back then. To me, I haven't changed a bit. To anyone else, I probably look even more different than I imagine I do.

By the way, for the record, I look identical to Brad Pitt now. Just in case anyone's interested.

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/18/2006 9:11:57 PM

pissdoll

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

I kind of fell into a belief that that picture I took ten or so years ago was identical to how I look now. People sometimes actually believe that because they don't believe they've changed.

i can understand that. i have photos of myself that are 10 years old that look exactly like me now (i only send out or post photos that have been taken in the past year, though).
however...when the other person shows up to meet you and thinks you didn't show up because they don't see anyone who looks REMOTELY like the picture of you, then there is a problem.

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/19/2006 12:44:33 AM

becca333

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I haven't got to the jaded stage yet. Each new partner brings new ideas and experiences, and I'm still lost in the pure joy of it all.

Maybe our relationship with BDSM as a whole is like our relationship with another person - a lot of people seem to hit that 7 year point and the glory fades a bit. I suppose all you can do is to keep fresh - try new things, find new experiences. After all, the BDSM world seems to be endlessly inventive, and it might be unrealistic to think we won't grow and change in the way we want to experience things.

Perhaps every 7 years we should change, Doms go sub and subs go Dom? But that means switches would have to go vanilla....wait, I'll work on this some more...

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RE: To the jaded ones, how do you change? - 5/19/2006 1:06:48 AM

mistoferin

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
All well-said, mistoferin. I would only add that you have to learn to accept that, even when you meet someone and it builds and builds, there is no guarantee that hurt won't come. The only thing for sure in life is death and taxes. It's hard when it is happening but a little philosphical belief helps too...you can't know what happiness is until you've known heartache too.

Well, by now I would have thought I'd have cornered the heartache market....lol. But you are so right, it does open you to seeing things from a new perspective. I have learned to be retrospectively as grateful for those moments of heartache as I am for the moments of joy. Without one, we could never fully comprehend or appreciate the other.

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