RE: Appropriate Punishment

RE: Appropriate Punishment (Full Version)

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SweetDommes -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/19/2011 10:10:07 PM)
I am not single, and I agree with the majority here. Get rid of him. Once he's broken trust, how can you trust that he won't do it again ... and again ... and again ... A real man (submissive or not) would come to his partner with an issue before cheating. If he feels that he can't trust you enough to be honest with you, then the relationship is already over ... that he then breaks your trust by cheating on you - nope, trust is gone and he should be too.

LadyPact -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/19/2011 11:15:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy Most "kick'em to the curb" types are single. A curious question might be, can BDSM prescriptions be applied to relationship problems? I'm not single in either sense. I'd tell you the same thing for My husband, so it's absolutely the same with My sub. Just because a person is poly doesn't mean that they also don't have a definition of cheating. In fact, I'm probably more rigid about it because we are poly. As for the comments about wanting to know why (not asked by you CB, but by another poster) I'm curious about all kinds of things, so I probably would want to know. Doesn't mean that I wouldn't still drop him like a bad habit.

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 12:03:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Betrayal of a vow is not an acceptable solution to a problem. I don't give my trust easily. This. It doesn't really matter why he did it, only that he chose to lie and cheat rather than deal with the situation like an adult. If someone isn't happy in a relationship, there are better solutions, like communicating with your partner, couples counseling or breaking up/divorce. There's just no excuse for cheating and once the trust is gone, it's gone.

MrHCurious -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 2:29:15 AM)
I'd like to go with the prevailing opinion, but I'm not sure I can go for it that freely. I'd be angry and devastated if she did cheat on me, and I'm including playing with others without prior notice or permission, but I don't think I'd even be capable of cutting her out of my life so bluntly.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 3:30:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan quote: ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus Betrayal of a vow is not an acceptable solution to a problem. I don't give my trust easily. This. It doesn't really matter why he did it, only that he chose to lie and cheat rather than deal with the situation like an adult. If someone isn't happy in a relationship, there are better solutions, like communicating with your partner, couples counseling or breaking up/divorce. There's just no excuse for cheating and once the trust is gone, it's gone. It depends really on the relationship, to be honest it happened to me and we got back together again, because I realized how many mistakes I made, not being there, accepting being transferred across the pond for 6 months without actually consulting him for the sake of my career, taking him for granted and all that, somebody else was cunning enough to sense that with a bit of manipulation she could create a massive rift and make a move (damsel in distress who went into his bed one night as she had a bad dream and was "scared"), credit where credit is due, she played the helpless girl and flattered his ego while being a first class manipulator - my impression doesn't come from his words but from meeting her. Changed my perspective A LOT, changed our relationship a lot, oddly enough for the better. Do I trust him? Yes, absolutely! I'm sure he won't do it ever again because he knows if anything like that would happen ever again, I'd be gone and he doesn't want that, and I'm not going to take him for granted anymore and just live my life with him featuring somewhere in the background. We really do make efforts to spend time together and to talk - even years after it happened - and basically in this instance, it was the best thing that could have happened to our relationship and to me, I learned that sometimes I do have to express my feelings and show my partner how much he means to me. Obviously a lot of things were also going on and I don't want to get into them in a public forum, but yes, I could understand how and why he was insecure and quite an easy target for somebody who understood the insecurities and how to work them in her favour. Didn't absolve him from all blame, but sometimes it's actually worth looking at the relationship and asking yourself why and what went wrong. Now would I have taken him back if I would have had the slightest worry or doubt that it would happen again and he'd turn into a serial cheater? Hell no, NEVER! He actually offered me access to his mails, mobile and all that, tell you what, never used it, because if I have to control somebody, it's rubbish anyway.

Iamsemisweet -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 5:41:19 AM)
Would the answer be different if it was a male dominant doing the cheating? I also think other aspects of the relationship have to be considered, like whether you have kids together or not. The circumstances matter.

LadyPact -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 10:13:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet Would the answer be different if it was a male dominant doing the cheating? I also think other aspects of the relationship have to be considered, like whether you have kids together or not. The circumstances matter. Not to hijack the thread, but I'd say that completely depends on if the Dominant male has the authority to have his sexual freedom within the dynamic. If that's a power that he has, it couldn't really be termed 'infidelity' in the first place.

RqrCompanionS -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 10:50:49 AM)
Define infidelity. I would consider him ogling another Mistress to be infidelity. However, it would not merit the same punishment as him flirting with her, or, him having sex with her, or, him serving her. If you are lovers, and, he has offered his sexuality to another, then, there are really only three clear choices that I can see: 1)Put him in chastity. Keep him in it unless you want to use that part of his body. 2) Cut him off from being your lover, and, find another one, but, keep him as your work horse and whatever else he might be able to do for you. That is with or without him being in chastity. 3) Throw the baggage out.

DommeElaine99 -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 11:16:18 AM)
Thanks for all of the answers, it is an emotional topic where people have very decided opinions. As it was pointed out by a couple of people, these things are complicated and each situation unique. I would have taken the "to the curb" viewpoint, prior to it happening to me. It is easier to think in black and white when it is someone else. For a number of reasons this is not the option that I think will make me happy, we have 22 years of history that is at least worth taking the time to salvage. We have sought all of the vanilla counsellng and I belive have made progress on that front, I was looking to incorporate the BDSM dynamic in the healing process as this part is relatively new to me. Thanks again for the responses.

LadyConstanze -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 11:49:54 AM)
I would be careful to incorporate the BDSM dynamic, it's like a baby, you can't save a relationship with it. Seriously if you both want to experiment with it, do it, but try to not bring the frustrations with you as this could be a really dangerous emotional mix. Having said that, good luck and great news that you are both working through it, and I agree, 22 years is too long to just throw it away!

VaguelyCurious -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 12:18:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeElaine99 I was looking to incorporate the BDSM dynamic in the healing process as this part is relatively new to me. No. By the time someone's cheating you've lost whatever BDSM-related authority you had. It's gone. Don't pretend it's still there, because all you'll get is a pantomime. If you want it back then you have to build it up again, and that doesn't come from punishment.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 12:29:36 PM)
Work on the RELATIONSHIP. Leave the bdsm aspect aside.

LadyPact -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 2:11:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeElaine99 We have sought all of the vanilla counsellng and I belive have made progress on that front, I was looking to incorporate the BDSM dynamic in the healing process as this part is relatively new to me. Thanks again for the responses. Out of curiosity, did he happen to cheat on you with an experienced Dominant woman and now you are trying to incorporate that aspect into your lives so he won't do it again because of what he's 'missing'?

Hisprettybaby -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 2:31:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain I hate to think that I am the only woman that would ask him why. Does it really matter why? Cheating is cheating. quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy Most "kick'em to the curb" types are single. A curious question might be, can BDSM prescriptions be applied to relationship problems? Most? Where did you do your research? I am not single and many others already answered that they aren't single either. If I were to cheat on Daddy, I would expect to be kicked to the curb. When I have a sub, if she cheats on me and goes outside the boundaries we've set I will kick her to the curb. As far as BDSM prescriptions, I say a relationship is a relationship first, either BDSM or vanilla. Work on the relationship first, then worry about the rest. ~Hisprettybaby~

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 3:00:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze It depends really on the relationship, to be honest it happened to me and we got back together again, because I realized how many mistakes I made, The point is that he cheated instead of talking to you about it or ending the relationship. He had other options, he simply chose what, to me, is the most cowardly and selfish way of handling the situation. If I were in the same position and made the same mistakes, I would expect my partner to discuss it with me or be justified in leaving. I would not expect him to cheat. I probably would ask why he'd made the choices he made, but our relationship would still be over. A breach of trust that large is not something I can forget. I'm glad things worked out well for you and your partner. I don't mean to give the impression that what is true for me is or should be true for everyone. However, I know how I would react in that situation and it would be to end the relationship. Been there, done that. There's only been one person, ever, who managed to come back into my life after breaching my trust in that way and he had to jump through a lot of hoops to get here. We're talking years, not weeks or even months. He cared enough to shovel all of the emotional crap that went with the process of regaining my trust. Now you know why I married him. [;)]

LadyConstanze -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 3:20:42 PM)
LOL, well it was not easy to talk to me, and later on I realized that he made several attempts, some of them I cut short with "Sorry, got to go to a business meeting, can we talk later" - which must have been very encouraging for him. Then I informed him that I'd be in NYC for 6 months as I accepted a promotion that required me to move there and I think I said "Oh, what did you want to talk about?" Honestly, fucked up way on my side to handle things. You know if I would have been the perfect partner (and we were living in 2 different countries at the time, with my 6 month move to the US even on 2 different continents for a while) things would have looked really different, but I can really see how oblivious I was to everything that was going on with him, that he made attempts to tell me that he would like to talk about problems we have and that I didn't see. That he didn't tell me straight away - well, he was actually terrified that I'd leave him, which I nearly did. If he would have planned to cheat on me, it would have been different, and after almost a decade together now, well I don't think it will ever happen, but it really worked out for the best, without that shit happening, we would possibly have drifted away and split up. Sometimes you do need a bit of a shock and come close to losing it all to realize what you have. Don't tell him, but it was possibly the best thing that could have happened to us.

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/20/2011 3:34:01 PM)
Fair enough. Your secret is safe with me. [:D]

MissImmortalPain -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/21/2011 6:52:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hisprettybaby quote: ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain I hate to think that I am the only woman that would ask him why. Does it really matter why? Cheating is cheating. ~Hisprettybaby~ It would matter to me, but it was just my point of view and I did not expect many (if any) to agree with me.

SweetDommes -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/21/2011 7:57:50 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DommeElaine99 I would have taken the "to the curb" viewpoint, prior to it happening to me. It is easier to think in black and white when it is someone else. It did happen to us - granted, not in a relationship that was anywhere near as long as yours ... but still. And we kicked his ass out. The trust was gone, so he had to go too.

RqrCompanionS -> RE: Appropriate Punishment (7/21/2011 9:18:55 AM)
quote: I was looking to incorporate the BDSM dynamic in the healing process as this part is relatively new to me. Well, what I mentioned about chastity devices is incorporating the BDSM dynamic. It tells him it is important to you, you treasure it, it is yours, and, gives you a feeling of security. I don't remember the name, now, but, there was a very controversial lifestyle written about, that involved corporal punishment of both spouses, which might work for you. The gist of it is that both people sit down and make a list of what is truly unacceptable behavior - either that has already happened or that they fear might happen - and what the acceptable punishment for that offense is. Then, they write out an agreement, and, sign it. That way, they are both aware of what will hurt their partner the most and how strongly they feel about it, and, they are both aware that their partner knows this information. If someone transgresses, they submit themselves for punishment. But, it is never to be done in anger, or during any sort of extreme emotional moment, and, it is not to be held against them later. Many people have found this to work, very well, even in situations where cheating has occurred; especially because, when most people cheat, it is out of a feeling of not being appreciated, being ignored, being belittled, and, those are offences that it is better to punish, too, through use of a paddle, rather than through misuse of genitalia.

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