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Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 6:57:16 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
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So, something that I'm starting to notice about myself that has me a bit - confuzzled. Since I've been aware of my masochistic/submissive tendencies (less than a year), I find that I'm starting to NEED some aspect of them to orgasm.

I've - well, for most of my life I've been one of those women who could come from a good breeze aimed the right direction. In the last year or two of my marriage, I noticed that it was harder for me to reach orgasm, even solo, but I chalked that up to the sexual/interpersonal issues that my ex and I were having.

Since I've been single though, I've still dealt with orgasm issues - and it's only been of late that the connection was made in my mind. If I'm submitting, I'm aroused. If I'm in pain (except for menstrual cramps, dammit!) I'm aroused. If I'm in a situation of power inequality - I'm aroused. If I'm reading erotica associated with any - I'm aroused. If there is some combination of those things - I'm over the moon.

Otherwise? Nada. NADA. I mean, I can warm up a bit from 'vanilla sex' but it's nothing like how it was when I was younger, or how it is when I'm under the 'influence' of any of the above. I've figured out how to inflict some pain on myself JUST so that I can get off (long fingernails for the WIN!) but, I feel like it's getting progressively 'worse', so to speak. I know the 'official' definition of fetish is something that is required for sexual pleasure - and, I really think I'm developing one.

My question then, is: Have y'all encountered this? Is this some weird low-level sub-frenzy type thing? Is there a way to get 'over' it, or am I stuck with sub-par solo/vanilla sexual encounters?

I miss my solo fireworks. :(

Thanks y'all.

K.

< Message edited by subtlyAlpha -- 7/20/2011 7:00:02 PM >

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

Post #: 1

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 7:06:04 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

no fucking idea baby. i'd say get your ass dominated and beat in a hurry. go to a fucking munch, meet the locals and find some folks into casual play and get your fucking ya yas out.

no frigging? i fucking feel for you, i really do.

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Post #: 2

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 7:14:49 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

So, something that I'm starting to notice about myself that has me a bit - confuzzled. Since I've been aware of my masochistic/submissive tendencies (less than a year), I find that I'm starting to NEED some aspect of them to orgasm.

I've - well, for most of my life I've been one of those women who could come from a good breeze aimed the right direction. In the last year or two of my marriage, I noticed that it was harder for me to reach orgasm, even solo, but I chalked that up to the sexual/interpersonal issues that my ex and I were having.

Since I've been single though, I've still dealt with orgasm issues - and it's only been of late that the connection was made in my mind. If I'm submitting, I'm aroused. If I'm in pain (except for menstrual cramps, dammit!) I'm aroused. If I'm in a situation of power inequality - I'm aroused. If I'm reading erotica associated with any - I'm aroused. If there is some combination of those things - I'm over the moon.

Otherwise? Nada. NADA. I mean, I can warm up a bit from 'vanilla sex' but it's nothing like how it was when I was younger, or how it is when I'm under the 'influence' of any of the above. I've figured out how to inflict some pain on myself JUST so that I can get off (long fingernails for the WIN!) but, I feel like it's getting progressively 'worse', so to speak. I know the 'official' definition of fetish is something that is required for sexual pleasure - and, I really think I'm developing one.

My question then, is: Have y'all encountered this? Is this some weird low-level sub-frenzy type thing? Is there a way to get 'over' it, or am I stuck with sub-par solo/vanilla sexual encounters?

I miss my solo fireworks. :(

Thanks y'all.

K.

I couldn't possibly have an orgasm without some really seriously weird shit going on, at least in my head (if alone). Yes, the acts that I find bring me the amount of pleasure necessary for orgasm, both in real life and in fantasy, have become much more strong/twisted/delicious/odd over the years. It's as if I build up a tolerance for what I formerly thought was kinky.

It's a fun evolutionary trail to be on, though.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 3

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 7:47:02 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

~FR~

*wallslides*

*fightsair*

Dammmmmmit. Yes, I do have a local playpartner/assbeater - but he isn't ALWAYS available.

And it's more than a tolerance - it's like the low level stuff doesn't even COUNT anymore. I don't know if 'fun' is the word I would use, Kaliko. Bloody frustrating, sometimes.

*mutters*

I really need to get a Hitachi.

K.

*mutterbitterly*

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 4

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 7:48:52 PM

erieangel

Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline

I'm the same way. For a long time I just sorta accepted the fact that I didn't have orgasms. Then I found out why.

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 5

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 7:49:16 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

seems to be typical around these parts. I'd say if you can't cope with only ever orgasming without having some kind of pain then maybe hold off for awhile...don't have sex for awhile, stop looking at masochistic porn online, etc...and see if maybe it changes for you. That's really the only advice i have for you since I don't seem to have this problem.

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Post #: 6

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 7:59:36 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

Have you found a way to 'overcome' that, Erie?

Thanks littlewonder - I don't watch porn (at all), but I could cut back on the dirty stories. I have sex about two days a month. In a good month, four days.

Thus, my own orgasms are REALLLLLLLLLLY important to my, uh, pleasant disposition. *lol* As well as to my discretion. I don't want to get so pent up I start making stupid choices dictated more by my clit than my brain. Bugger.

K.

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 8:01:29 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Have you found a way to 'overcome' that, Erie?

Thanks littlewonder - I don't watch porn (at all), but I could cut back on the dirty stories. I have sex about two days a month. In a good month, four days.

Thus, my own orgasms are REALLLLLLLLLLY important to my, uh, pleasant disposition. *lol* As well as to my discretion. I don't want to get so pent up I start making stupid choices dictated more by my clit than my brain. Bugger.

K.

I guess for me the longer i go without the less interest I have at all in sex to the point i never even think about it. Maybe try keeping busy with other things?

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Post #: 8

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 8:14:55 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha
I don't know if 'fun' is the word I would use, Kaliko. Bloody frustrating, sometimes.

That's what makes it fun.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 9

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 8:25:55 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

~FR~

littlewonder - hrm. Ignore it and it'll go away? I don't know. Is 'meh' sex better or worse than NO sex at all? *shudder*

*lol* Kaliko - point, point.

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 10

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 8:54:02 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

maybe once you stop thinking about sex and your fetish that you need with it, and once you start having sex again you'll find you can orgasm without the fetish because you've gone so long without?

I dunno...just something to think about I guess.

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Post #: 11

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 9:12:41 PM

Giermo

Posts: 77
Joined: 7/12/2011
Status: offline

I am not a sub/masochist but I can relate this dilemma with the idea that over time you become desensitized to certain sexual pressures. For example, going from vanilla sex to BDSM/"kinkier" sex. Eventually you feel that the old does nothing for you.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/20/2011 9:37:11 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I rarely used to orgasm, and never with a partner. I actually thought I was frigid, so I gave up on relationships because it didn't seem fair to saddle some poor bloke with a woman who found sex tedious.

Then I "discovered" bdsm, and in particular my masochism. Now multiple orgasms are the order of the day.

But for the longest time I didn't have a partner and refused to do 'casual', and I stopped having sex. It was frustrating for a while, then the urge just sort-of died.

But as soon as I'm in a relationship the old "multiple-Myo" returned and the fireworks began, as long as there was either pain involved, or extremely rough sex. Thankfully!

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Post #: 13

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/21/2011 5:01:06 AM

Buzzzz

Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

Same thing here, but the other way around. Like A7x says, "Welcome to the family".

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Post #: 14

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/21/2011 7:58:35 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You could try nipple clamps for pain during masturbation. As well as a strong vibrator.

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Post #: 15

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/21/2011 11:31:21 AM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

It's like being a drug addict. You build up a tolerance and once you get to a certain level if you don't increase the dosage you can't get to the same level of high.

I totally get you.

If you figure out a solution, let me know. Just know.. you're not alone.

Excuse me now, because I'm at the level where if I don't get to bleed soon I'm gonna get cranky.

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He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

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Post #: 16

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/21/2011 11:42:48 AM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

Well.

I'm kinda glad it's not just me, and kinda bummed that it doesn't sound like there's a reliable way to 'fix' things. Meh! Meh, I say!

I have tried the nipple clamping, Des. That's kinda what made it all click. ;)

Thanks, y'all.

K.

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 17

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/21/2011 8:53:16 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I'm not sure what else you can do to yourself. An electric bug swatter or a tens unit maybe? Or a whartenburg wheel?

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 18

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/22/2011 10:28:16 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha
My question then, is: Have y'all encountered this? Is this some weird low-level sub-frenzy type thing? Is there a way to get 'over' it, or am I stuck with sub-par solo/vanilla sexual encounters?

Carol and I have to some extent. I would NEVER allow it to get to the place where the only way we can have satisfying sex is with some particular feature present. But it is true that we've both come to enjoy a more primal level of sex than the phrase "making love" implies. We both noted once recently after we did "make love" that we were both less pleased with it than when I take her.

Insofar as your solo fireworks, I'm going to guess that your sexual imagination withered in your own head as your marriage tailed off. So then you run into this new hotness and now suddenly you have a libido again. I'd be careful about attaching any more meaning to that than "something new and shiny". Personally, I very much mistrust putting all my eggs in any one basket unless that basket is "Carol".

Edited to add:
Insofar as a reliable way to fix things, I very strongly suspect that there is. But you're not going to get that advice here because it's sacrilegious. But honestly, just go find something else which is hot inside your brain and focus on that. If you tell me that there is nothing else in the whole world, then I feel your imagination is lacking (A LOT) or else you just don't want there to be anything else.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 7/22/2011 10:29:58 AM >

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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Post #: 19

RE: Masochism/Submission as a fetish.... - 7/22/2011 11:58:12 AM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

~FR~

Thanks Jeff!! New and shiny is often esp. attractive, but the fact that most of my 'pre-awareness' fantasies/spicy spots also had a bit of the kink in them adds to my - hrm. Fixation, I think might be the best word.

And do share the sacrilegious advice! :)

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 20

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