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Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 10:41:41 AM   
bondageBirdy


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/20/2011
Status: offline 		It's something i have a really hard time with. I'm an extremely sensitive person. Not so sensitive that i fly off the handle in public or anything, but when people say things to me, i hurts. And instead of acting hurt, i get really pissed.



These feelings have seemed to be amplified since discovering the lifestyle. now the littlest things that people say, or even rejection, can really hurt me, and often send me into isolation. Or they just make me out rightly angry, and i lash out.



Does anyone else have these issues?


I'm sorry if i'm asking a lot of useless questions, but at the moment i don't have a mentor, or too many friends in the ls, so i don't really have people to ask these things to.



And just recently, i acted rather childishly in the Gorean forums.......I went in excited about my question, after having success here, and things just got really bad.


I'm frustrated, and just more than a little tired of being treated like a blemish on BDSM, due to age and inexperience.



Forums such as these, are really the only way i can ask questions, and get information from people's personal experiences. I can't attend munches. And the community i grew to like very much is in Pittsburgh.
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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 10:59:34 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Since I am the one who bitchslapped you in the Gorean forums, perhaps I should take this time to answer the question.

It's not really a case of developing thick skin, or of learning not to 'hurt' over what another has said to you. It's a case of 'listening' to what is said, and learning from it.

I tend to be pretty harsh when I give 'advice', not because I am looking to hurt or damage someone's confidence, but because sometimes, a harsh word is what is needed to gain their attention enough that they will stop and think about what they have said, and what was said to them.

All too often, young ladies and young men come to these forums, ask their question, and then become 'nasty' when they do not receive the answer that THEY wanted. They don't stop to consider that opinions vary greatly and that EVERYONE is going to have a different one. More often than not, that opinion will differ from yours.

If you are truly seeking to gain help in learning, then you have to open yourself up to different opinions, different thoughts, different ways of doing things.
More importantly, you have to stop, and actually THINK about what others are telling you. You don't have to agree; just stop and think about what they are saying.

_____________________________

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:01:16 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		maybe you're hypersensitive to negative responses because you haven't quite accepted this part of yourself? you're putting something "private" out there, and when it's thrown back at you, it hurts more because it was something that you previously held so close to the chest?
that said, i really don't have a very thick skin. i've just gotten really good at wandering away from "porcupine people" instead of trying to stick with them. i don't really feel the need to change who i am (a generally shy, sensitive person) in order to "put up with" bad behavior from others.

(p.s if you need someone to talk to, feel free to msg me. =p i like yammering with people.)


< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 7/21/2011 11:06:21 AM >

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:03:29 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		I promise you.. time will thicken your skin. Hopefully, not to the point where you lose your own compassion. Just try to be patient and consider that if people are so lacking in social graces that they believe such behavior is socially acceptable, it's a reflection on them, not you and their opinion shouldn't matter to you or cause you undue upset. There are people around who will be happy to jump in and blast you.. but I really believe they are the exception and not the rule (unless it's in the Politics and Religion board.. then all bets are off. Do NOT venture down there upon pain of death!!)

If you really find that it's bothering you to such an extent that it effects your education or fun time here, introduce yourself to the block button. Make friends with it then use it at your whim or convenience.

I'm not the overly sensitive type (Vulcan head and all that) but, sure, when someone I love and respect is "mean" for lack of a better term, that can hurt.. but then I have to consider if I love and respect them.. perhaps they have a point. That's when I look to myself to see what may have made them be a meany to me and perhaps modify my own behavior to avoid future occurances.

Generally, my first reaction to a slap is to try to figure out the 'why' of it.. then clarify a position if need be. That almost always works for me and while I'm positive that not everyone here is going to like me (I certainly don't like everyone here) it does allow for civil discourse most of the time and that's what I'm here for.. most of the time.

And, of course, some people are just assholes. It happens.



< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 7/21/2011 11:04:50 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to bondageBirdy)
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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:11:23 AM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline
quote:

These feelings have seemed to be amplified since discovering the lifestyle. now the littlest things that people say, or even rejection, can really hurt me, and often send me into isolation. Or they just make me out rightly angry, and i lash out.

A word of advice? Hide Hannah, do it now, trust me, don't ask, just do it.

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:17:37 AM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageBirdy
Does anyone else have these issues?

I used to a lot more than I do now. But after having been on CM and Fet for awhile, I've come to realize that opinions are like assholes, everybody's got one, and I'm not going to agree with them all. I don't have a problem with people disagreeing with me, the thing I have a problem with is when they attack me as a person and call me stupid or ignorant for disagreeing with them. I don't do that to other people, so I don't appreciate it when it's done to me. After awhile, you'll learn who not to engage in debates with because they're hotheaded and who has truly informative and educational things to say. Drop me a line if you like. :)

~Hisprettybaby~

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:23:36 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am going to say that the number one thing to remember is that when you perceive someone as being nasty it is usually one of two things.

Your issues, not theirs. You are inserting intent where none existed and just read what they wrote through your own filters.

OR......they were intending to be an asshole and it is THEIR PROBLEM, not yours. So, don't take it personally.

It's not about developing a thick skin........to ME. It's about recognizing the why's of your reaction, then dealing with it.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:26:49 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

And just recently, i acted rather childishly in the Gorean forums.......I went in excited about my question, after having success here, and things just got really bad.


It impresses me greatly that you admit this. I know a lot of people who wouldn't have been able to do it. Good on you bB! I suggest taking a deep breath or even going away from the thread for a while if you feel that you are about to (over)react. It worked for me in the past.


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And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:31:11 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

A word of advice? Hide Hannah, do it now, trust me, don't ask, just do it.


Really? Since I learned to not take her posts at face value she's really made me laugh. I quite like her.


_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
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Member: Subbie Mafia
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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:34:17 AM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		well, some people on the forums like to manipulate others on here, or just say things to get a rise out of someone, especially a newbie. The question is, do you fall into their trap and allow them to do that to you?

If you find someone like that then just ignore them, regardless of what they try to bait you with. There is one female that posts on the forums that has called me names and/or very insulting but I wont stoop to her level, I just tend to ignore her and her posts. I am not the only one she does that to when she gets a bee in her bonnet but really, that says sooooo much about her and when i see anyone doing that, i make a mental note that they are not someone i am interested in getting to know online. You can also do a search on what someone has posted online before and get a better idea where they are coming from...

You also have to be very careful about how you word anything, cuz someone will find fault on the slightest mis-step/misinterpretation.

You can also put people on ignore/hide here too but I have not done that so far.

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:34:43 AM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline 		Yes, but you're Canadian

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:36:57 AM   
Hisprettybaby


Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline 		lol

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:38:56 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline 		And? I happen to like people like Hanners, what does that have to do with my being Canadian?

_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:40:02 AM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri

Yes, but you're Canadian

LOL your point being? I dont know if I should be insulted, flattered or amused.. lol

ETA- But thanks for noticing.

< Message edited by tj444 -- 7/21/2011 11:42:27 AM >

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:43:54 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bondageBirdy

And just recently, i acted rather childishly in the Gorean forums.......


If you really mean that then feel free to go back into the Gorean forum and admit such. Apologize if you wish.. but you really have to mean it and that means 'not' repeating the behavior. If you have questions on Gor, while I don't claim to be an expert, I have read all of the books several times and am deeply interested in philosophy as a whole and will be happy to discuss issues with you.

I didn't answer the question you had asked there because I have not read the books you've mentioned but things of Gor.. I've got a pretty good handle on those despite the fact that I'm not Gorean, don't want to be, don't want to belong to a Gorean and have no desire to attend Gorean functions. I am a .. student, if you will, of Gorean philosophy and that's where most of my knowledge lies. I can also point out a few Goreans who would probably agree to steer you in a thoughtful direction when I get it wrong from my lack of actually living as a Gorean. My email is always open on the other side.

For the rest.. the entire forum side is open to you and the diversity of opinions on any and all subjects can serve your education well.

Not all of us eat our young and we'll be happy to help out where we can.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to bondageBirdy)
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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:44:25 AM   
DarthVaderOfLove


Posts: 95
Joined: 7/17/2011
Status: offline 		Is it against TOS for an exhibitionist to post a picture of his dick wherever he wants?  Getting the shock value thrill over people running into it unsuspectingly?  I would imagine it is.  Probably some form of sexual harassment, regardless of how happy the exhibitionist is to show off his dick, if you didn't ask to see it or wasn't receptive to it, then why the hell should you put up with it?  Even on CM. The bottom line is one person is getting off at the expense of another, without consent.

So what is the difference for a sadist getting his/her jollies goading people into having a little frustration fit or something? Hurting their feelings etc.  Pushing the tantrum button, until someone pops and freaks out, thus humiliating themselves.  If someone who puts it out there on their profile that they get off on humiliating others, or control, or general cruelty or whatever, then why should someone else have to foot the emotional bill for their pleasure without consent?

Just a hypothetical question. Granted, a certain thickness of skin is a priority in everyday life, but how much should be expected on here?  I totally understand the give and take of internet forums.  And I haven't been here long enough to observe anything really cruel or 'over the line'.  This is just a question, not accusing anyone of doing this. 




< Message edited by DarthVaderOfLove -- 7/21/2011 11:46:30 AM >

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:48:09 AM   
SuzeCheri


Posts: 483
Joined: 7/19/2011
From: Outside looking in
Status: offline 		Canadian = Superior Intelligence = Gets Hannah.

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:50:05 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		I looked over the Gorean thread and didn't really find much there to be upset over from your position. In fact, I thought your response was overly dramatic and kind of whiny. Do you tend to do this in real life as well? Just curious. In any situation, giving yourself some time to absorb things can put distance between the emotional hurt that you feel, and give you a more unemotional place to respond from.

I guess I'd advise you to take a little bit of time off when you feel hurt and when you come back to things look at them and see if the poster who responded to you had any validity to what they were saying. Look for the message, not the tone. Taking things down to a factual level can take the sting out of it. If you think you have something to add that is pertinent then write it out and reread it before sending with an eye to keeping things as unemotional as you can.

A lot of what you get in people's reactions is in how you address things yourself. This kind of thing is worth practicing since you don't want to go around in life being so emotional that it's like having open wounds. With the kids in school we'd have them role play similar situations so they had a better chance at resolving things successfully in the future. That couldn't hurt to try...imagine a scenario where you'd generally react badly and see what kind of solutions you can come up with that would make you feel better. The practice seems to help when things come up next time. I've seen people make real strides in being able to adopt more successful strategies.

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:52:28 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuzeCheri

Canadian = Superior Intelligence = Gets Hannah.


Observant, very observant, and oh so true. Especially in my case. ~preens~


_____________________________

And there's a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna make ev'rything alright ~ Black Crows

Team Troll Trollop
Member: Cocksuckers For World Peace
Charter member: Lance's Fag Hags
Member: Subbie Mafia
Member: Hibbie's Hotties

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RE: Developing thick skin... - 7/21/2011 11:52:40 AM   
bondageBirdy


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/20/2011
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your advice. I have a difficult time with this offline as well. My family isn't the cuddlist family to be in, and there are times where I feel that if I don't blasphemy they won't even hear me. The lifestyle is no different. Lots of people who feel tough love is the best love.



But to each his own my feelings still remain hurt. And even when I try and take things people say into consideration, it just adds to frustration. Lilly Bo peep, I mostly feel where your coming from. Maybe I'm not as comfortable in my submission, which is deviating

Then where would I future in this lifestyle is not all? The feelings I have aren't vanilla alone ....




And to those that were on the forum I really do apologize. I took out my aggravated attitude on you all and spoiled what could have been an interesting discussion. My luck with goreans has never been successful because I sometimes feel they are mocking me are poking gun when I ask an honest question. But I always try to be positive. This time however, was an epic fail.



I can agree with what was said about time. But as I get more seasoned will I becomeas easily annoyed with newcomers?

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)
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