Personal Responsibility (Full Version)

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angelikaJ -> Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 2:57:05 PM)

I have been feeling frustrated with people who seem to not grasp this and found this:

"Accepting personal responsibility includes:

Acknowledging that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.

Accepting that you are responsible for what you choose to feel or think.

Accepting that you choose the direction for your life.

Accepting that you cannot blame others for the choices you have made.

Tearing down the mask of defense or rationale for why others are responsible for who you are, what has happened to you, and what you are bound to become.

The rational belief that you are responsible for determining who your are, and how your choices affect your life.

Pointing the finger of responsibility back to yourself and away from others when you are discussing the consequences of your actions. (not btw, how MY actions influence you, but YOUR OWN actions and choices)

Realizing that you determine your feelings about any events or actions addressed to you, no matter how negative they seem.

Recognizing that you are your best cheerleader; it is not reasonable or healthy for you to depend on others to make you feel good about yourself.

Recognizing that as you enter adulthood and maturity, you determine how your self-esteem will develop.

Not feeling sorry for the ``bum deal'' you have been handed but taking hold of your life and giving it direction and reason.

When you have not accepted personal responsibility, you can run the risk of becoming:

Chronically hostile, angry, or depressed over how unfairly you have been or are being treated.

Fearful about ever taking a risk or making a decision.

Overwhelmed by disabling fears.

Over responsible in your need to rescue others in your life.

What do people believe who have not accepted personal responsibility?

I want you to fix me.

How can you say I am responsible for what happens to me in the future? There is fate, luck, politics, greed, envy, wicked and jealous people, and other negative influences that have a greater bearing on my future than I have. (Yeah, blame McDonald's and the smokers)

What terms are used to describe those who have not accepted personal responsibility?

martyrs. self-pitying, depressed, losers, quitters, chronically angry, BLAMERS, fearful, hostile, aggressive, irresponsible, weak, neurotic, obsessed

In order to accept personal responsibility you need to develop the ability to:

Be open to new ideas or concepts about life and the human condition.

Refute irrational beliefs and overcome fears.

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE THE SOLE DETERMINANT OF THE CHOICES YOU MAKE.

RECOGNIZE THAT YOU CHOOSE YOUR RESPONSES TO THE PEOPLE, ACTIONS, AND EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE."
from here http://barelydressed.blogspot.com/2006/03/personal-responsibility.html?zx=3bd5452b733a99e6 

There are side effects of not taking personal responsibility: living by default is one.
We can go through life not making choices (which is, of course a choice) but sooner or later, choice finds us, and it usually is not a choice we want.

Or we may end up as the Christine Lavin lyrics
Victim -Volunteer
"He thinks of himself as a victim of love
He's not - He's a volunteer
He has consistently fallen for all the wrong women
Year after year after year
And now he blames every woman who has ever kissed him
Told him that she loved him and later dismissed him
And now he thinks he's a walking victim
He's not - He's a volunteer
..."
http://www.christinelavin.com/index.php?page=songs&display=281&category=Attainable_Love

I just thought it might be a good topic for discussion.

For me personal responsibility came in stages.
Wanting personal intergrity.

And then a big part of it came at the beginning of the relationship I have with my Master, when I was faced with some unpleasant truths.
And I did not like what I heard but denying it and clinging to the pretty picture served no purpose except to hide behind a pretty lie.

Growing up is harder than learning how to fly. One requires truth; the other, fairy dust.
(attributed to Peter Pan)



kalikshama -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 2:58:58 PM)

Amen!



LadyPact -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:02:23 PM)

Excellent post!



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:19:20 PM)

Yes it is an excellent post, and I can so relate to your frustration, angelika.

One of the first steps in self actualization is taking responsibility for your past, your actions, and your decisions. Of course, people do not mature and evolve into their full potential overnight. They take baby steps and many of us get diverted on the way for a time, and some fall behind as issues from the past come back and need resolution before one can truly move forward.

At 57, I am still making progress toward my full potential.

I have learned (the hard way) that you can't make someone take this path that does not want to, they are either ready to make changes, or they are not. It's also very difficult to hurry some along. It's pretty easy to get stuck, and people don't get past it until they get past it.

I have become so frustrated there are times I want to hit the person up side the head with a 2 by 4 to open their brain up a bit and be able to make them take some knowledge *I* have. But, you know, you can't. I used to think the best way to be supportive was to be kind. Now I know you need to use blunt honesty, tempered by kindness when you can.

(Sorry, no blunt objects.)



LadyConstanze -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:21:28 PM)

Great post, for the life of me, I can't imagine what brought this on [8D]



zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:26:32 PM)

I don't know about taking responsibility for the past. Things do happen which are genuinely not the person's fault. HOWEVER it's also necessary to accept responsibility for what happens now and in the future.

Zeph



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:32:51 PM)

Awesomeness.



angelikaJ -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:38:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I don't know about taking responsibility for the past. Things do happen which are genuinely not the person's fault. HOWEVER it's also necessary to accept responsibility for what happens now and in the future.

Zeph



There are events that have happened in my life that while not being my fault, my poor decisions led up to their development.
And there are somethings that happened simply because I was young and did not know any better and put myself into a position to be hurt.

Part of self responsibilty is learning what I am and am not responsible for.
Personal responsibility is not about blame or fault.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:46:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ



There are events that have happened in my life that while not being my fault, my poor decisions led up to their development.
And there are somethings that happened simply because I was young and did not know any better and put myself into a position to be hurt.

Part of self responsibilty is learning what I am and am not responsible for.
Personal responsibility is not about blame or fault.



There are events in my life that shaped me but I had no responsibility or control over them, I think this happens to all of us, death of somebody close to us - people do die of accidents, old age, illnesses. Of course this hurts and it wouldn't be normal if losing somebody you love wouldn't hurt, however not even sometimes being angry with those people (like my grandma) did bring on their death or makes it in any way my responsibility.

When I was quite young a friend of mine committed suicide, the worst thing was getting over the guilt that I should have done something, should have known, should have stopped him - took me years and years to finally realize that there was nothing I could have done and that I am in no way to blame, also made me aware how much you hurt the people you leave behind, so unless I'm terminally ill and living would be pain or my life would be just a burden for me and others, suicide will never be an option.



LadyPact -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 3:56:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I don't know about taking responsibility for the past. Things do happen which are genuinely not the person's fault. HOWEVER it's also necessary to accept responsibility for what happens now and in the future.

Zeph


This is very true.  Before anyone else comes up with the notion, I'm literally *not* thinking of this from the angle of the rape victim or some other situation where the only "choice" somebody made was happening to be where a person, without provocation would harm another.  Yes, a person might have gone to the store that suddenly was being robbed or what have you.  There are bad people in the world and I think most folks can agree that 'wrong place/wrong time' situations do happen.

There really, really are bad people in the world.  Sometimes, they cross into your world.  What a person does after that in their ways of personal responsibility (counseling, taking their life back, etc) does have a place.  When faced with a situation of no choice, what we do once we get our choices back is vital.

Damn good thread.  I wish I would have typed it up, Myself.



tj444 -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 4:08:06 PM)

why do you take responisibility for others that need to take personal responsibility? why get frustrated by it?

My mother always said that you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink... so it is up to those other people what they do or dont do in their life.

You can not change them, only they can change themselves (when/if the time is right for them to finally do so).



zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 4:27:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I don't know about taking responsibility for the past. Things do happen which are genuinely not the person's fault. HOWEVER it's also necessary to accept responsibility for what happens now and in the future.

Zeph



There are events that have happened in my life that while not being my fault, my poor decisions led up to their development.
And there are somethings that happened simply because I was young and did not know any better and put myself into a position to be hurt.

Part of self responsibilty is learning what I am and am not responsible for.
Personal responsibility is not about blame or fault.


Here's where we differ. I still don't see it as your fault. Poor decisions or not it's not like you set out to have them happen. Full responsibility is still on the person/people who hurt you. Where your responsibility starts is what you chose to do afterwards to get through it and move on. IMO it's the person who chooses to stay where they are and blame someone else for their life being screwed up I have no sympathy for - and yes I've been there.

Zeph



DomImus -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 4:57:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
"Accepting personal responsibility includes:
Acknowledging that you are solely responsible for the choices in your life.


I'm sure that all those people who invested with Bernie Madoff are quite comforted by your wrist slapping.





quietalice -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 5:03:56 PM)

I wish I could believe it.



NuevaVida -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 6:46:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I don't know about taking responsibility for the past. Things do happen which are genuinely not the person's fault. HOWEVER it's also necessary to accept responsibility for what happens now and in the future.

Zeph



For me it's not about fault. It's about accepting accountability for my part in something - past, present, or future.  If I don't look at the past and accept accountability for my part of what happened, then I risk never learning from it, and then repeating it.

As for things like crimes being committed on me, and if it's a case in which I truly was victimized, all I can do is respond to it in the healthiest way possible.  I mean, I can't really be accountable for being molested by a neighbor when I was still of the single digit age, but I sure as hell can choose if and how it's going to affect me in my adult life.  That's where the accountable part comes into stuff like that.

As for the list in the OP - Try not to get frustrated with others.  Sometimes people are just not in a place in their lives yet where they're ready to be there.  It took me until I was will into my 40s to really figure it out - I was a great "victim" until then.  Why? Because those lessons have to come from within someone, and some people just have more things they need to go through before getting to those lessons.  It's not up to me to determine when it's time for someone else to get it.



erieangel -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 8:31:11 PM)

I have bipolar disorder. For a long time, I did what many people with a mental illness do and believed I couldn't do anything because when I was at my sickest point, I really couldn't do much of anything. The doctors and counselors didn't help. They also told me I would never work again, that it might be better for me and my kids if I let my ex have custody of them, etc.

I fought everybody on the custody issue and won. No way on earth was I going to allow that wife-beater to raise my kids with the ho he hooked up with. That was the beginning of everything in getting my life back but it took a long time. A lot of issues and mistakes that I attribute to my illness but which I could have prevented had I learned more quickly how to advocate for myself. I was on a medication that put in a destructive mania and then on one that caused me to become psychotic. Another gave me a cancer scare when it pushed my white blood count way down.

And then I learned how to manage my symptoms. I learned what triggers in my life might cause a depression or a mania. And I have been working full time for several years plus have been off all medications for more than 2. Going off medications was more or less a necessity because of the cost and the formulary my insurance company uses does not pay for one of the medications I was taking. I probably could have worked with the doctor to find something the insurance would pay for that worked just as well, but I decided to work with him to go off all the medications. Now when symptoms get out of control, I think long and hard about maybe going back on medication, but have so far managed to maintain my life without them. If there ever comes time when I revert to being as ill as I had been all those years ago; where I am incapable of making a rational decision; my kids and my sisters all know what I would want as far as treatment. And they all support my decisions.



tj444 -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 10:56:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
As for the list in the OP - Try not to get frustrated with others.  Sometimes people are just not in a place in their lives yet where they're ready to be there.  It took me until I was will into my 40s to really figure it out - I was a great "victim" until then.  Why? Because those lessons have to come from within someone, and some people just have more things they need to go through before getting to those lessons.  It's not up to me to determine when it's time for someone else to get it.

Its called hitting bottom, and it can be hard to watch and know you are helpless to help someone in a downward spiral (especially someone that doesnt want your help/advice). That is one additional reason i left my ex, he was drinking more and i didnt want to watch that any longer. Last time i talked to him, he said he stopped drinking, i hope he hasnt taken it up again but good or bad, his life is his to live it as he wants.



shorty21 -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 11:21:59 PM)

at 25 i still have my moments but i have grown to quickly apologize when i realize something is my fault or a product of my doing... When i was going through chemo or after my rape last year i looked for ways that i could have stopped it... Maybe if i treated my body better... Maybe if i hadnt have stayed home that day.... Took me forever to realize that some things are no ones fault... We can just call it life giving us a kick in the ass... What i can do is be thankful i am a cancer SURVIVOR... That my son and i SURVIVED a brutal attack.... Taking this and making myself a better person may take the rest of my life but i am trying at least.... Apologies if this seems like a rant... Legs are killing me and cannot sleep for the life of me....



hlen5 -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/21/2011 11:42:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ



There are events that have happened in my life that while not being my fault, my poor decisions led up to their development.
And there are somethings that happened simply because I was young and did not know any better and put myself into a position to be hurt.

Part of self responsibilty is learning what I am and am not responsible for.
Personal responsibility is not about blame or fault.



There are events in my life that shaped me but I had no responsibility or control over them, I think this happens to all of us, death of somebody close to us - people do die of accidents, old age, illnesses. Of course this hurts and it wouldn't be normal if losing somebody you love wouldn't hurt, however not even sometimes being angry with those people (like my grandma) did bring on their death or makes it in any way my responsibility...............


I think there are times when we are victims of another or of circumstance. I think the personal responsibilty comes in in how I REACT to a situation I have no control over.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Personal Responsibility (7/22/2011 3:49:13 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: hlen5


I think there are times when we are victims of another or of circumstance. I think the personal responsibilty comes in in how I REACT to a situation I have no control over.



I absolutely agree, though I am not sure that I would call us victims in all cases, it's just life and it's not always fair. I understand depression is not something people chose to have, but to a certain degree how they handle it is their responsibility. When my brother and grandfather died within 3 month of each other and I was recovering from cancer surgery, I was going to pieces, it was more than I could handle and I just turned into a complete recluse for a few months, diving into work so I wouldn't have to deal with the pain and avoiding all social contact, basically worked 12 hours then hitting the gym until I dropped into bed, trying to deal with it all or just trying to avoid thinking about the loss. Luckily a friend told me to snap out of it, to think of them and if I think they would like to see me like that and that I'm sullying their memory by not enjoying my life and wasting it as a robot.



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