learning about your sub/slave

learning about your sub/slave (Full Version)

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LovelyLady39 -> learning about your sub/slave (7/21/2011 11:11:53 PM)
how and what are the best things to ask your sub/slave to learn about them without them necessarily realizing what you're doing. I was reading screw the roses give me the thorns and it talks about how one Dom would ask his sub questions about her to learn about her but doesn't go into any great detail.

GreedyTop -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/21/2011 11:16:10 PM)
I think it wuold depend on WHAT you want to know. IMO, this is highly personalized...

SweetShySubgirl -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/21/2011 11:23:22 PM)
Just talk to them and ask questions. You yourself need to be observant to their surroundings and the things they do. If you want to know about their hobbies, favorite colors and foods. Just ask. Or if you go to visit them or go out with them notice what kinds of restaurants they tend to like, what colors they wear often and what really gets them excited when you talk to them. When it comes to D/s stuff, well, that's for you two to figure out. It takes some time and effort but it's worth it for both of you, I think.

RqrCompanionS -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 12:53:13 AM)
It seems a strange thing to want to do, but, the best way is simply to talk to them, just like they are people, and, be observant. The other way that people employ, which is similar, is to require their s-types to keep a journal, with the understanding that they will not be punished for anything they think or feel which is written in there, nor for any infractions which are only learned about through reading the journal. It allows them to open up, which is good for their health. It allows you to know more about them, which is good for the control.

PetiteOralSub -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 1:59:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RqrCompanionS but, the best way is simply to talk to them, just like they are people, Possibly this would work because ..... slaves are people! (who would've thunk it?) -- people who need a specific relationship structure and do not wish to control.

StrikingBeauty -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 6:27:03 AM)
Pay attention to what they say when you're NOT in Q&A mode....they're more likely to be upfront and unguarded at those points. Give more credit to the truth in what they DO rather than in what they SAY. Actions really do speak louder than words. It doesn't mean that they are not being truthful when they speak per se; it's a matter of articulating their feelings into cohesive discussion.

Tantriqu -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 7:35:44 AM)
I ask two vanilla questions, and I give them two vanilla tasks. They speak volumes!

RqrCompanionS -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 11:18:01 AM)
quote: Possibly this would work because ..... slaves are people! (who would've thunk it?) -- people who need a specific relationship structure and do not wish to control. Exactly my point! Thank you for confirming it. quote: I ask two vanilla questions, and I give them two vanilla tasks. They speak volumes! Okay, now I am curious, Tantriqu. Two specific questions and tasks? And, would you share what they are?

HannahLynHeather -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 12:11:49 PM)
here's your answer right fucking here. yeah, i'm being all fucking obscure snatch-the-pebble kung-fu master on your ass here. listen really carefully to the lyrics...what's the song really about?

Rochsub2009 -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 12:37:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LovelyLady39 how and what are the best things to ask your sub/slave to learn about them without them necessarily realizing what you're doing. I'm confused. Why don't you want them to realize what you're doing? Is there a particular reason why you don't want a potential sub to realize that you'd like to know more about him/her? Remember, D/s relationships are no different than any other relationships in the initial phases. The only way for two people to get to know one another is to spend time together and to communicate. So if you want to know what someone likes doing in their free time, ask them. If you want to know if they have kids, ask them. If you want to know if they like donuts, ask them. If you want to know if they'd be willing to be kept tied up in your basement and fed excrement, ask them (but you may not want to ask that on the first date). [;)] I think you're over-thinking this one. You're taking something very simple and trying to make it complex.

LadyPact -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 12:50:16 PM)
Am I the only one wondering if people don't just talk to each other anymore?

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 2:17:48 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Am I the only one wondering if people don't just talk to each other anymore? No, you're not. Talk, observe, get to know slowly over time. As a dominant, good observation skills are one of your most important talents. You have to pay close attention to your sub during any scene. So start honing those skills now. You know, in a budding relationship, you don't have to jump into a six hour suspension scene with bullwhips and fireplay. You're allowed to go slow and get to know and trust and respect one another. Not only are you allowed to, I highly recommend it.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 2:39:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Am I the only one wondering if people don't just talk to each other anymore? Apparently talking is a lost art. I think it's been replaced by texting. Only us dinosaurs believe in talking anymore. [:D]

LaTigresse -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 2:42:53 PM)
Ya..........silly me for thinking that, spending time together, hanging out, getting to know one another, having some chit chat........is a tried and true way to get to know another human being.

DesFIP -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 2:47:36 PM)
I get the feeling that this is play oriented. What are they afraid of so you can spring it on them. And really, I don't recommend that. Because it can easily make them feel you are unsafe and untrustworthy, a disregarder of limits. Pay attention. If they tense up when you wave a knife and their eyes follow the knife, you know they will have a problem with knife play. At which point the appropriate thing to do is say, "when I was unpacking the toy box and took out my knife, I saw you got all tense. Please share with me what made you so afraid of knives."

SylvereApLeanan -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 4:20:28 PM)
I'm going to go against the prevailing sentiment and not advocate just talking. Not that having a conversation isn't a great thing, because obviously it is. However, there are some people who don't do well with "just talking" about things. Some do better with the written word. Folks who do better with writing like having time to think about their answers to a question or their feelings about a situation. They like having the opportunity to pick just the right word to convey their exact meaning. They don't like being put on the spot and feeling pressured to give an answer while you're staring at them expectantly. I'm an advocate of having your sub keep a journal/blog that you have access to and read on a regular basis. This can give you a lot of information, but there's no way to keep your partner from knowing what you're doing. I'm not sure why keeping the sub from knowing you're making an effort to learn about him/her would be important. It seems counter-intuitive to me.

DarkSteven -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 4:34:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Am I the only one wondering if people don't just talk to each other anymore? What was that, LadyP?

littlewonder -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 8:10:51 PM)
why can't you just talk and get to know them like you would anyone else in the world? You've never been on a date before or talked to men or women you might be interested in? Never made small talk which led to further questions and talking?

HannahLynHeather -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 9:52:08 PM)
quote: They don't like being put on the spot and feeling pressured to give an answer while you're staring at them expectantly. syl, you're absolutely right. and that really was why i chose that song, its not about talking so much as communicating. it isn't just the formal sit down q&a that i'm talking about, but the every day shit, even <well i actually think especially> the bickering, what is said and how it is said when you don't fucking agree. but also the joking banter, the idle chatter, all of it, yes even a journal. they are all fucking words and words will reveal the person behind them better than anything else. the more of a person's words you have access to, the better you'll know that person. so yeah, the answer, to me, is elephant talk, that's how the fuck you do it.

Lockit -> RE: learning about your sub/slave (7/22/2011 10:40:23 PM)
I'm all for communication too. I want to know everything. lol Time, communication and listening to what he says and does. It's never failed to do the trick. [;)]

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