Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (Full Version)

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RqrCompanionS -> Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 6:01:54 PM)

It's like this. Someone writes, you take a quick peek at their profile, see there are 15 things on their love and like lists that you don't want, 6 things on their dislike and hard limit life that you need, and, all their photos are of their genitalia, which is something you do not enjoy seeing. Well, that is a "for instance" The point is, you know it will be a waste of time, in the long run, to even try to get to know each other.

And, don't tell me that you don't know. Just accept, for this scenario, that you absolutely do know.

Now, most people get really offended when they are told, very bluntly, that there is an obvious incompatibility of temperaments, or, that one can already see that while they seem to be nice people, they are not what one seeks. It's too fast, too blatant, and, it hurts their feelings, or, makes them angry.

What is the alternative? I've tried, even, telling them that if they care to stay in contact, in a friendly way, that's an option. Just, we are definitely not into the same things.

Mind you, I'm not .. I don't think I'm wrong to be truthful, but, I, also, don't like hurting people and I know that most people are just not that abrupt in their decision making. For me,I'd rather talk to people who are, so as not to waste my time, but, apparently, letting people down gently is more "polite".

So, how would you, in that situation, like to be let down gently?




zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 6:04:46 PM)

I tend to just tell them that we aren't suited. If they take it badly and get abusive or try to convince me otherwise, I ignore further messages or block them. Life is just too short.

Zeph



MstrDennynSlave -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 6:29:01 PM)

When Master first contacted me, I read his profile and found a lot of things that wasnt compatible with what I wanted or needed. He kept contacting me over several months. I got quite snippy with him, and told him bluntly that I did not want to talk to him, meet him, or anything. I answered a message from someone a month later. I met with him, and we hit it off and started seeing each other quite regularly. A couple of months later, he told me that he had been trying to talk with me under his other profile. I couldnt believe it at first, but then things made sense. I wasnt angry about it, as we were completely suited to each other. I have been collared to him now for 4 years. We met in May of 2007 and I was collared in June of that same year. Neither one of has regretted the collaring. In his original profile, there was quite a few things he liked that I had as hard limits. Needless to say, Master pushed my limits and I've never regretted his doing that. If he hadnt ever made another profile, I dont think I'd ever have met with him. And consequently, I'd not be as happy and content as I am now. From this, I've learned to never dismiss anyone without giving them a chance in my life. Even if the relationship ends up only friends.



kiwisub12 -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 6:32:52 PM)

When I was looking, i pretty much told everyone that i wanted to meet as soon as possible because i can't tell by internet how compatible we are. I figure unless they are masocistic-submissives, there is a good probability that if we get along in person, we can find something in common with kink.

I found my first master by meeting him , thinking he looked like an old coot, and ended up staying with him til his death. He introduced me to so much that if you had asked me before hand, i would have told you not only no, but hell no! , I don't want to try that.

The point is, i wouldn't restrict myself to written info - it isn't complete or definitive, and can change depending on mood or day. For me, its easier to tell about someone face to face. I certainly wouldn't rule out someone because of lists or whats on a profile.



Kaliko -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 6:34:47 PM)

If someone on the other side makes a genuine effort to talk to me (which is very rare - usually it's a one-liner, which gets no response from me), I will pretty much always write back one or twice. I will usually let him know why we're not compatible. And then that's it. No more communication is necessary. Or desired by me.

People from the boards are another story. I treat them differently. They are emailing me to talk, not to hook up. (Presumably.) My radar isn't on with them in the same way, so compatibility in that respect isn't an issue.



kalikshama -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 7:05:30 PM)

quote:

It's like this. Someone writes, you take a quick peek at their profile,


I don't find that most of the mail I get warrants a response. I often do the peeking from a different browser, in which I am NOT signed in to collarme so they don't know I visited. Cuts down on all the annoying "saw you visiting, bad girl for not saying hello" responses.

CM has a number of canned replies which I find quite useful.  Maybe this will work for you:

Thanks for the kind words and good luck in your search!

With regard,



seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 7:31:56 PM)

If they offend you, why do you let them down nicely? ????


In my mind, either block them or delete them ... or both! [:D]

There is no obligation to respond.




gungadin09 -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 7:39:54 PM)

i don't think the internet is like real life, where if someone says something to you and you don't answer, it's rude. Just don't answer. If you do, in all likelihood anything you say will be construed as encouragement.

pam



Arpig -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 7:54:53 PM)

I had this happen once a long time ago, he just would NOT take no for an answer and I finally got the point across by saying something along the lines of: "Sorry, but I'm terribly superficial, and physical beauty is of paramount importance to me." And I included the web addresses of several plastic surgeons and gyms in the nagger's listed town.

As you can see, I'm a very gentle and kind person. [:)]



LadyPact -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 8:08:50 PM)

Going more with the question in the thread title, rather than the one you included in closing the post.

How much time is wasted?  I know this is the part where folks are looking at that *one* email exchange.  (They wrote a nice note, were polite, etc, etc.)  To send somebody back a polite let down takes Me thirty seconds or less.  That's *if* that's the end of it.  Usually, it's not.  I've found that if I don't block that person at that stage, it can be who knows how many more requests, pleads, questions, and really more emails from that *one* person than I care to deal with.

It's also worth pointing out that the above example is for just that one person.  That doesn't count the other dozen first contact messages that I'm going to get that day.  All of which, if I don't block them, have the same potential to eat up My time with several emails of the same thing.  A half an hour to an hour a day is just not something that I'm willing to invest in this.  I'd really rather dedicate that time to email conversations to people from the forums and those in My local kink community.

I do have that written in My profile.  When I get unwanted mail, I have a standard reply:

"My profile states that I am only interested in receiving email from those local to Me or from the forums.  I would appreciate it if you would respect My preferences."

Block/delete/report spam as necessary.



Aileen1968 -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 8:10:19 PM)

How about...don't reply.
Works every time.



OsideGirl -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 8:35:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: zephyroftheNorth

I tend to just tell them that we aren't suited. If they take it badly and get abusive or try to convince me otherwise, I ignore further messages or block them. Life is just too short.

Zeph

Agreed. I would politely say that we're not compatible. If they got out of sorts, it was on them. Especially since I was quite specific about some items.



AngelControlsU -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/23/2011 10:43:04 PM)

I really don’t think there is a difference, everyone is different but I have tried many approaches and there are always that react in a unwanted fashion. When ignored some will get the point and stop trying to make contact, some won’t and will keep messaging over and over until I finally do tell them I am not interested (some times I also point out the fact that if I haven’t responded after 5 or 8 tries maybe they should take the hint) and usually that only makes them want to convince me I have made a mistake, but that usually only lasts another 1 to 3 letters which I ignore. Then some times I let people know right away and they either try to convince me, thank me and are on their way or do not respond, or of course sometimes they lash out but in that case I do not feel bad. I think the ones who are going to behave in a hostile or unfriendly manner are going to do so no matter what.

I decide how much courtesy someone gets from me in this regard by how much time and effort they put in to contacting me. If they could not even form a complete sentence or send less then two I do not even bother replying. If they put together a nice little paragraph and it does not sound to copied and pasted or generic then I will write back with a sentence or two to kindly tell them thank you but I am not interested. If I can see that they obviously read my entire profile with journals and wrote a longer letter with several paragraphs obviously tailored and written to me alone I will give them a much more detailed response with at least a couple paragraphs and explain why I don’t think we would be as good of match as they apparently do and go from there. Depending on the number of incompatible things and reasons for my initial judgment, if they engaging enough I might go back and forth with them a few times, which will either re-enforce my original opinion or begin to form a new one.

Live is short and you have no obligation to people you don’t even know on the internet. Not to respond to them, not to listen to them, and certainly not to treat them all equally. I chose for myself on an individual basis and I don’t put up with crap, people who want to pick fights, be antagonizing or say just plain stupid things.



DesFIP -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 6:28:02 AM)

If your profile is clear about what you need and want, and they contact you anyway already knowing you won't find them compatible, then that doesn't warrant a response. Because why should you be polite to someone who has already proved themselves not to be?

Moreover, if you don't respond you normally don't get any nasty response to that. But if you do respond with a rejection I find there's a 1 -10 reaction of vitriol. The nicest was "your (sic) too fat to fuck". The nastiest was a detailed description of how he proposed to cut me up.



MissImmortalPain -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 7:00:08 AM)

I think for me most of it has to do with the msg they sent to begin with. I am very clear when I answer about what kind of work I do and how for the most part I am really just looking for like minded people to chat with. As of late I have been trying to slip a bit of fun(ny) into some of my msgs that I have sent back. That backfired on me last night when I got called sick and told I needed to grow up. Mind you the joke I made was not a sick one and it was sent with the intent to make a person laugh. blargh oh yeah the topic...how much of it is time that is wasted....well honestly that depends on if I have something better I should be doing. The other question...how would I like to be let down (honesty again) I wouldn't...that is why I don't go looking for match ups,or meet ups, or anything else other then "like minded people to chat with"

ETA - I think I have been very lucky in that most of the people, those looking to hookup, that email me either think I type to fast(alway have an answer), am to deep, or that I am just to scary to speak to more then once...go me [:)]



myotherself -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 8:22:16 AM)

I think it's more polite to be upfront and honest than carry on a conversation and risk hurting someone's feelings.

When I was looking I'd get messages from guys who were incompatible. Maybe it was too big an age difference, or they weren't sadistic, or they lived too far away for a realistic relationship, or they came across as desperate and needy, or too many things on their likes/loves/hates list didn't gel with mine, or....and so on.

At the beginning I would begin a conversation assuming they had read and understood my very clear profile. Most, for some reason, had convinced themselves that they were so awesome that I would compromise my needs/wants and consider them.

After a while I realised they were getting emotionally involved without any chance of it becoming reciprocated, and letting them down was painful, whether it was done gently or abruptly. So then it was the nasty messages I'd receive, or even worse, the begging and pleading ones. So I started stating up front that this was NOT going to be a relationship I was going to pursue, but they were welcome to chat on a purely friendly basis. Most didn't bother.

For those who had a profile which prominently featured their "prominent feature" - I didn't even bother replying to their messages. If I wanted to talk to a dick, I'd call my ex



leadership527 -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 8:41:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RqrCompanionS
So, how would you, in that situation, like to be let down gently?

I wouldn't. I'd like to be told the truth clearly, concisely, and directly. I can't really imagine why "I just don't feel any chemistry with you" would be insulting to me. I'd imagine that statement is true for upwards of 90% of the women out there.



Epytropos -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 8:45:55 AM)

Life is not a series of destinations, and time spent in conversation which isn't going to lead to enslavement is not wastage. Why must everyone approach their lives with their clipboard firmly in hand, prepared either to use a situation to check off a specific box or to depart it immediately to seek a situation more suitable to the box?

EDIT: Word placement



littlewonder -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 9:06:28 AM)

I simply delete their email. No response, no looking at their profile, blah blah blah..just delete and ignore further emails from them.

Now if they continually want to try and try thinking somehow we're compatible then I write them an email saying "thanks but not interested".

If they continue then I just block them.

Simple.

I never even think twice about it or think I'm being impolite. It's a friggin website.




zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Exactly how much time wastage is polite? (7/24/2011 9:10:34 AM)

quote:

I wouldn't. I'd like to be told the truth clearly, concisely, and directly


Jeff? We're not compatible.



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