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I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 12:55:49 PM

SweetEscravo

Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

Please read this first :

http://www.collarchat.com/m_339114/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#339114

After my dom and I broke up, I began to spend even more time with C, because he cares very deeply about my emotions and has come through for me much more than any other friends since my dom left me.

I don't really remember how this happened, but the other day, when we were together, in his bedroom and bored, we started just playing around with each other. It didn't really begin as anything with bdsm- just the two of us wrestling around a little, until he got me pinned down and I bit him. From there on, the both of us were full on wrestling, biting and tickling (I am rediculously ticklish). This ended with us both tangled in each other, on his bed, breathing hard and laughing. He was on top of me. We calmed down and were laying together talking again, when we looked down at me and stroked the hair out of my face. He told me he wanted to kiss me.

I was at a crossroads, because I still cannot help but feel like I am owned by my ex-dom still because we only broke up very recently. C is also dating a girl and has been with her for a few years. He has thought about breaking up with her for many reasons, and they fight a lot. She is very slightly kinky and doesn't give him what he really wants. I forced myself to say no, and he agreed.

But we didn't stop what we were doing. There was still a lot of playing between the two of us, and by the evening I was cuddled up to him with his arm around me. It felt wonderful to feel...wanted...and it felt wonderful to have the warmth and strength of a man so close to me again. But I kept on feeling these stabbing pains in my heart when I thought of my ex.

However, at the same time, the experience seemed really wonderful because I found myself almost realising a fantasy I've had for awhile- what would it be like to be loaned out to another dom for an afternoon. Of course, one key ingrediant was missing- I did not have MY dom to go back to at the end of the night.

Now, I think I would like to have another afternoon like this again. However, I am afraid of where it might go- because C does have a girlfriend, although she is far away now and they have been having a lot of problems, and also because I still feeling owned by my ex...I am afraid for him to find out, because my ex and C used to be very close friends, and I don't want there to be any problems.

I guess I'm just not sure what to do.

Post #: 1

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 1:03:07 PM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Personally, I think you're on the right track. Go slow, stay friends...get out of current relationships/commitments FIRST.

How could you ever trust him or he you...were you to get together while there is unfinished business with others? I'd seek closure before I started with someone else.

Just my thoughts...

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 2

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 1:08:50 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I think you're both rebounding and trying to get some no-strings fun.

IMO you should remove yourself from all intimate/sexual contact with him (and anyone else) for several months.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 3

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 1:09:47 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Bearlee

Personally, I think you're on the right track. Go slow, stay friends...get out of current relationships/commitments FIRST.

How could you ever trust him or he you...were you to get together while there is unfinished business with others? I'd seek closure before I started with someone else.

Just my thoughts...

Yes always close the chapter on a book before you pick up and start a new one.

You dont want both of you getting involved on the *rebound* believe me it can be very painful. Go slow, be friends and see what happens.

~Lashra

(in reply to Bearlee)

Post #: 4

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 1:10:10 PM

Mistrix

Posts: 186
Joined: 2/14/2006
Status: offline

Ever think of sitting down and writting the pros and cons of being with this person and giving yourself that precious time to heal?
I wouldn't suggest jumping into a new relationship real quickly but to be friends and give each other space and time. If he is still dating a girl too right now that is not fair to you as well. I am sure if you want to be in a relationship with him you want ALL of him and not to share with someone else.

Those stabbing heart feelings you get when you think about your ex need to pass before you start up something new with anyone. That is baggage and you don't want to carry that with you on and on.
Give yourself time and if all goes well, which it will then you will know when your ready and strong to move on.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 5

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 2:48:29 PM

Chaingang

Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline

Stop the presses! Picture this headline: "18 Year Old Ninny Thinks With Her Hormones!" Wow, that'll get us more readers...

...

Interestingly, this relates to something MeatCleaver erroneously believes also.

_____________________________

"Everything flows, nothing stands still." (Πάντα ῥεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει) - Heraclitus

(in reply to Mistrix)

Post #: 6

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 2:52:56 PM

Estring

Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Stay out of the bedroom with C, and get a hobby.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 7

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 7:00:09 PM

TemptingNviceSub

Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline

Basically you are missing the D/s dynamic in your life,a kind of submissive withdrawal...and that coupled with the fact that C is a known factor to you,a kind of easy access thing...coupled with your past fantasies ....and voila! confusion begins.....Though you have reiterated that C is in an unhappy relationship still does not negate the fact that he is in a relationship!Step back.....wait.....gain more perspective..in the long run C and you will have more respect one for the other ,no matter what does or does not happen in the future between the two of you...be well..Tempting

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 8

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 7:07:22 PM

tinkerbellKH

Posts: 61
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline

i think you should take it slowly,be friends laugh have fun,but stay friends for the time being if it is supposed to happen it will if it does not then you still can be friends.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 9

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/18/2006 7:24:48 PM

Invictus754

Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
I guess I'm just not sure what to do.

Jump his bones like there is no tomorrow. You are letting others rule your life. Do what you want. Obviously, if he is having problems with his girlfriend your offer won't help, but hey - that's life. He'll have to make a decision to go all the way just like you will and you are only guessing he will say "yes". He might not (and surprise everyone else in this discussion). The higher the risk, the bigger the reward. Is there a chance that he might do you one time and dump you? Yes, maybe. But you won't know if you don't go for it.

Is my suggestion "immoral"? Most people would say yes, but by my moral compass, it is true North. Live to please yourself. Maybe you will find out he is lousy in sackville, and decide that you don't want him. Then you will be glad you can kick him to the curb and he has a girlfriend.

_____________________________

You never know your limits, until you push them
If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 10

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/19/2006 5:39:42 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Invictus754
Is my suggestion "immoral"? Most people would say yes, but by my moral compass, it is true North. Live to please yourself. Maybe you will find out he is lousy in sackville, and decide that you don't want him. Then you will be glad you can kick him to the curb and he has a girlfriend.

The problem is- will this serve her pleasure in the long term?

Being with a guy who doesn't have enough confidence, honesty, and esteem to end one relationship before another? Being with someone VERY shortly after a big break up in which you got involved too hard too fast previous?

I don't see anything about this situation that leads to happy endings. She's ALREADY feeling conflicted and awash in drama- that's not pleasure.

Getting a few hot orgasms isn't the same as actually finding pleasure and fulfillment in life.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Invictus754)

Post #: 11

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/19/2006 7:44:01 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Once upon a time I had a platonic friend. He was my "blues buddy", my shoulder when I was upset with my Dom, he made me laugh, was a protector when I was out without my Dominant.

Then one day, I broke up with my Dominant. My friend was the person encouraging me to stop moping, to get out of the house, to spend time with friends.

Then one day, he leaned over and kissed me. I've been collared to him for 6 years and married to him for 5 years.

Your ex is your ex.....why let him rule your heart? While I wouldn't do anything while he had a girlfriend.....you may be on the right track. Having your Dominant/Master be your friend first opens up amazing things in a relationship.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/19/2006 8:54:07 AM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Um.....you "don't remember" how you ended up in the bedroom, and wrestling on the bed with, a guy who has a girlfriend? C'mon....

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 13

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/19/2006 3:15:46 PM

Chaingang

Posts: 1727
Joined: 10/24/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
Then one day, he leaned over and kissed me. I've been collared to him for 6 years and married to him for 5 years.

Yeah, I've met guys like this before - I even think I can spot them and what they want. They are the ones that are waiting for their moment. Sometimes you even have to ask the person you're with: "Is this person just waiting for me to step down to make their move?"

I think it calls into question the nature of the friendship you think you had with him. Was he always just waiting there with his heart pounding? I think such patience may show real devotion - and that's good. But don't kid yourself that he was just your friend. On your end maybe; but on his end what was he doing all that time?

This is exactly why you should never question micromanagement of at least some of your friends by your Dominant. He probably gets it, he knows - and he doesn't like it either. And on your end of it, are you sure you weren't also planning for your Dom's replacement while still in the relationship with him? What does that say about you?

I wonder how many will admit it, but most of the Dominant men reading this will know exactly what I mean. Admitting it in the modern age shows a certain lack of civility and definite streak of the possessive silverback gorilla.

_____________________________

"Everything flows, nothing stands still." (Πάντα ῥεῖ καὶ οὐδὲν μένει) - Heraclitus

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 14

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/23/2006 5:54:04 PM

Invictus754

Posts: 521
Joined: 12/16/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
The problem is- will this serve her pleasure in the long term?

I guess we can't answer that question, it is up to her to evaluate the situation. All true answers should come from within, not message boards.

quote:

Being with a guy who doesn't have enough confidence, honesty, and esteem to end one relationship before another? Being with someone VERY shortly after a big break up in which you got involved too hard too fast previous?

You are reading a whole lot into this aren't you? Where did the esteem come from - other than your interpretation? Maybe he has a timetable of ending the relationship that we don't know about. Maybe he is very confident, and enjoys having someone chase him. Lots of speculation, but we don't have all the info to make the decision...once again, the OP has to make the call. I just told her to go for it, because many times you don't get the second chance, and you always wonder 'what if...?'

quote:

I don't see anything about this situation that leads to happy endings. She's ALREADY feeling conflicted and awash in drama- that's not pleasure.

Once again, your particular viewpoint. As OsideGirl said, when she took the chance on another, she found her partner.

quote:

Getting a few hot orgasms isn't the same as actually finding pleasure and fulfillment in life.

Do you eat your favorite foods everyday, or occasionally eat something that is only 'ok'? Maybe a casual relationship for a short time is a good way to find new things and take chances you wouldn't with 'Mr. Right'. Do you always enter a relationship with "This BETTER be the last one"? What type of expectations are you making someone live up to? Your man HAS to have extreme confidence in all situations, no second-guessing self-esteem issues (because we all know men don't have feelings or worry about their manhood at all) and NEVER tell any lie - not even a white lie to make you feel good about yourself (yeah, honey, you are seriously porking out in those jeans...you better go squeeze into some sweatpants and wear a loose top to hide those hips).

Any possible relationship has NO chance if you don't TAKE a chance to begin it, eh?

Besides - as I said before - maybe this guy has more testicular fortitude than many of you are giving him credit for. It may be that if he has a wench that offers her honor, he will not honor her offer.

_____________________________

You never know your limits, until you push them
If slavery is a gift, the Africans were pretty fucking generous in the 1700 and 1800s, weren't they?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 15

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/23/2006 6:09:32 PM

jezabelKH

Posts: 663
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tinkerbellKH

i think you should take it slowly,be friends laugh have fun,but stay friends for the time being if it is supposed to happen it will if it does not then you still can be friends.

i agree with tinkerbellKH, take it slow, you just left a relationship, and He is still in one, be friends................if later down the line He and you are both free from relationships then see where it goes from there.

jezabelKH

(in reply to tinkerbellKH)

Post #: 16

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/23/2006 6:14:26 PM

CERCKL

Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline

quote:

After my dom and I broke up, I began to spend even more time with C, because he cares very deeply about my emotions and has come through for me much more than any other friends since my dom left me.

I wasn't there!!!

C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 17

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/23/2006 6:32:25 PM

Wulfchyld

Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline

*looks up*

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together

(in reply to CERCKL)

Post #: 18

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/23/2006 7:49:43 PM

HoosierScorpio

Posts: 164
Status: offline

What you need to do is get past the connection you still have with your EX Master. Allow that take the course and in the mean time let him know you do not want to come between him and her. Their problems are theirs to deal with and if the relationship is coming to an end then allow it. Let him know you need the time to break the connection you still have with your Ex Master. Also tell him you want to be friends for now so that way you will not be the cause of their brake up. If he brake off with her to be with you then what if he does the same with you and then he brake it off with you to go with some one else. You need time to allow every thing come to a closer so new doors can open up with each other.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)

Post #: 19

RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma - 5/23/2006 8:17:24 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Invictus754
I guess we can't answer that question, it is up to her to evaluate the situation. All true answers should come from within, not message boards.

Ultimately, they always do.

And while we can't answer the question, we can make really good educated guesses. I've followed Sweet and her relationship path pretty closely ever since she started posting here. Might not seem like it, but I take a keen interest to the young novices here.

quote:

You are reading a whole lot into this aren't you? Where did the esteem come from - other than your interpretation?

It's a pattern. Check out this other thread:
http://www.collarchat.com/m_387290/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm

People don't end relationships with they should and cheat because they have security and esteem issues. That doesn't mean they can't also be great people, and VERY secure in other areas.

But cheating shows an insecurity, always. And her falling back on a "safe guy" when she craves connection shows her own weaknesses.

quote:

I just told her to go for it, because many times you don't get the second chance, and you always wonder 'what if...?'

I might be only 26, but I've lived enough to know that cheating never really works in the long term, that being involved in an affair never serves who you are in the long term, and that it's just not worth losing that sense of self.

quote:

Once again, your particular viewpoint. As OsideGirl said, when she took the chance on another, she found her partner.

Completely different scenario- cheating NOT involved.

quote:

Do you eat your favorite foods everyday, or occasionally eat something that is only 'ok'?

Completely false analogy.

quote:

Maybe a casual relationship for a short time is a good way to find new things and take chances you wouldn't with 'Mr. Right'.

Not when it's cheating and not when you're doing it under the guise of true feelings. She's not doing this because she just wants someone to fuck- she's doing it because she feels she NEEDS someone else, because she's not secure enough to just be on her own, LIKELY also because he's a safe bet due to the other woman, and because she's convincing herself that she's actually having real feelings here.

Yeah- that's all a guess. But I'd put money behind it.

quote:

Do you always enter a relationship with "This BETTER be the last one"? What type of expectations are you making someone live up to?

The one that says it's better in the long term to be on your own and work through your mess of feelings than try to hide by getting into an even bigger mess with a man who's cheating.

quote:

Your man HAS to have extreme confidence in all situations, no second-guessing self-esteem issues (because we all know men don't have feelings or worry about their manhood at all) and NEVER tell any lie - not even a white lie to make you feel good about yourself

Since when does pointing out someone else's issues mean that I can't have issues of my own?

I never claimed to be perfect, but that doesn't mean I'm not right here.

quote:

Besides - as I said before - maybe this guy has more testicular fortitude than many of you are giving him credit for. It may be that if he has a wench that offers her honor, he will not honor her offer.

He's cheating. He could be a great guy in any other way- but he sucks when it comes to dealing with relationships.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Invictus754)

Post #: 20

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