RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (Full Version)

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fastlane -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 8:23:22 PM)

Kevin goes back to his high school year book..
Yup, that's how it played out.
GEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......fuck him and get on with life. Phhhhtttt..you kids, really show your ass and age.[:@] Kevin



Invictus754 -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 8:52:24 PM)

You mentioned cheating 7 times in your last note.  That, plus your tagline
quote:

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.
makes me think that we don't have the same morals and no matter what is said we both are right - for our own moral parameters.  However, I think that I have a lot more fun everyday.  [;)] 
 
 I think "cheating" is not a word to be used in relationships.  Cheating is when you take a test and have the answers written on your palm.  Relationships should not be tests.  If the relationship is a daily test of right and wrong, then the two shouldn't even be together. 
 
I, for one, think that men and women are hardwired differently through millions of years of evolution, and sex with or without the spouse should not be considered an issue.  Men and women like to fuck.  More than that, men like the hunt for new pussy - they have been hunting up until just a few thousand years ago, and it is in every fiber of our being as men.  Fact of life.  Society for the last few hundred years has always given a mixed message about sexual relationships too ... if a guy is well know for his escapades he is nudged and winked and "sowing his oats".  If a woman is well-known for her escapades she is disparaged and called "a slut" (like that is a bad thing).  But the puritan ethos that has evolved with respect to marriage is not healthy, and there are very few animals on this earth that have one partner for life, as humans try to do.  One partner just isn't natural.  Ergo: what you call "cheating" is natural. 
 
Most people only parrot what they hear and rarely think for themselves.  Most people can say what they think their morals are, but if asked why, they just stammer and say "because" or "it's what <your religious church/leader here> teaches" - which is a load of crap, but it keeps people in political office.
 
So, to SweetEscravo, do what you feel is right, but use your head and your heart to find the answer.  To LuckyAlbatross, you need to review your moral compass and find out if you are pointing the way you do because of what you believe, or just because that is what you have been parroting your whole life.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 9:02:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Invictus754
That, plus your tagline
quote:

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.
makes me think that we don't have the same morals and no matter what is said we both are right - for our own moral parameters.  However, I think that I have a lot more fun everyday.  

I'll tell that to my partners and ask what they think.

My tagline which suggests that people should find stable relationships rather than just numerous relationships suggests a difference in moral code?  Interesting.  To me it suggests that having stable and secure relationships is more important than just being in A relationship.

quote:

 I think "cheating" is not a word to be used in relationships.  Cheating is when you take a test and have the answers written on your palm.  Relationships should not be tests.  If the relationship is a daily test of right and wrong, then the two shouldn't even be together. 

OK then use the words "having an affair"  Use the words "doing things without the consent of the other person"  Use the words "breaking a commitment made to another person."

That's what I mean by "cheating."  It has nothing to do with the word.  Replace it with any of those phrases and that's what I mean.  If you don't think relationships should be between people who stay committed, honest and giving partners full consent, then yes, we do have difference in moral code.  I know those are things I expect in healthy relationships.
quote:


I, for one, think that men and women are hardwired differently through millions of years of evolution, and sex with or without the spouse should not be considered an issue.  Men and women like to fuck.  More than that, men like the hunt for new pussy - they have been hunting up until just a few thousand years ago, and it is in every fiber of our being as men.  Fact of life.  Society for the last few hundred years has always given a mixed message about sexual relationships too ... if a guy is well know for his escapades he is nudged and winked and "sowing his oats".  If a woman is well-known for her escapades she is disparaged and called "a slut" (like that is a bad thing).  But the puritan ethos that has evolved with respect to marriage is not healthy, and there are very few animals on this earth that have one partner for life, as humans try to do.  One partner just isn't natural.  Ergo: what you call "cheating" is natural. 

Fucking other people does NOT equal  of justify lying to other people.

I am a whore.  I am an active slut.  I have long term relationships with three people right now, all of whom know eachother.  In fact, I'm in the process of moving to live with TWO of my partners together, where I will be fucking both of them quite regularly.  I also fuck other people randomly at events and on dates for pure pleasure.

Nothing justifies lying to your partner and breaking a commitment.  You want to fuck who you want to fuck, go for it.  But don't lie to the other person.  My partners know exactly who I am, that I will fuck someone if I feel like it.  We have a solid relationship.

And someone who needs to back up their lies and breaking of commitments by citing some "need to fuck" really IS just fooling themselves.

quote:

 To LuckyAlbatross, you need to review your moral compass and find out if you are pointing the way you do because of what you believe, or just because that is what you have been parroting your whole life.

Sorry, but I think I'll stick with the moral code that says I can do whatever the hell I want to do with other consenting adults as long as I'm honest to others, true to myself, and allow others the fully informed and free consent to their own choices.



txpet -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 10:21:52 PM)

No one can answer these questions for others.

No one can see inside another person's heart, soul or mind.

Friendship is worth more than anything else in life.

we can not take responsibility for other people's actions even when we are involved in those actions.

we are each responsible only for that which we do and we need to make the decisions that fulfill us.

Every relationship does not need to be THE relationship that you see yourself in forever and ever.

i think there is nothing wrong with finding a relationship to satisfy your needs right aftter getting out of another one ... i would not rush into making it a lifelong committment, however. If you can find a relationship with a friend and work on it so that you are friends and can both be mature people so that whne the time comes to move on you can do so without tearing each other apart, so much the better.

People need other people.

i think it is important to be open and honest with people.

Most important of all is to make a decision that FEELS right.

If you can find anything in here that resonates with you, take it. If not, forgive my intrusion.

i wish you all the best.



becca333 -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 10:37:39 PM)

It's interesting that BDSM is seen by the wider community as a bunch of immoral sex-mad sybarites, yet most responses here are all about morality, waiting, and having self-control. 

Another image shattered.

You really want him, you keep telling us how his girlfriend really doesn't understand him...  She probably understands all too well.  And relationships of any kind are difficult, it's nice for him to have a chance at an easy strings-free tumble or two. (And of course it isn't strings-free, but he's not thinking about that right now).

You seem to think that if you two get together he'll be yours, it's a full relationship and his g/f is out of the picture.  Does he think the same - would the two of you be together, exclusive and sailing off into the sunset? Or is he thinking that it'd be handy to have you around when he wants a bit of extra fun?  That's the sort of thing you REALLY need to talk about before you bonk.

And you need to get over your ex and decide what you really want to do next. And who.  The last thing you need is a messy on-again, off-again debacle that loses you a good friend.  (Ok, should have phrased that better - but you get the idea.)

Is he Mr Right, or Mr Right Now?  And just who/what do you really need?

You've got time.  Get to know yourself first.



candystripper -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 10:46:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

I think you're both rebounding and trying to get some no-strings fun.

IMO you should remove yourself from all intimate/sexual contact with him (and anyone else) for several months.


The Op did not sound that way to me at all.  i would point out that P/pl's relationships are always evolving, and that the gf may well be out of the picture emotionally but not gone....that icky time when both P/pl know it must end, but haven't said g'bye.  Who amoung U/us knows?
 
The play sounds like fun; the cuddling sounds great.  The fact that the Op held back is also encouraging....not taking it to the next level when it didn't feel right.
 
i would point out that to feel "owned" by an ex is natural; like being haunted, but if it does not pass, there should be effort made to correct this illusion.
 
candystripper



Lordandmaster -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 10:58:47 PM)

Tokugawa Ieyasu waited.



BitaTruble -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 11:04:12 PM)

quote:

But the puritan ethos that has evolved with respect to marriage is not healthy, and there are very few animals on this earth that have one partner for life, as humans try to do.  One partner just isn't natural.  Ergo: what you call "cheating" is natural. 

 
Interesting argument but fucking isn't cheating .. it's lying about fucking which is cheating and there aren't animals that you can point to which do that.. with the exception of man.

Celeste




txpet -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/23/2006 11:08:25 PM)


 the gf may well be out of the picture emotionally but not gone....that icky time when both P/pl know it must end, but haven't said g'bye.  Who amoung U/us knows?
 
Thank you ... that is part of what i wanted to say!



bignipples2share -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 12:08:22 AM)

I do not buy the theory that all people need multiple partners. Just like I don't believe that all people need to be straight, white, black or whatever. There are people out there who are monogamous, there are people that need mutiple partners and there is a very big difference if you are cheating, no matter what circumstance you are in. As said by LA and Bita, a lie is a lie.
I have no problems with anyone who is in an honest and open relationship. I choose to be in a monogamous relationship, any partner I have will also be exclusive. At any point in time, should the person I am with, no longer desire that, I would want them to inform me before the fact, anything short of that is lying. That type of 'fun' is not worth someones life being derailed when your 'fun' is discovered.
This guy could be 'gonna break-up' with his girlfriend for the next 10 years and his girlfriend may not have a clue that this guy is running around. 
~big

_____________________
ahhhh I see sounds



CanadianGuy -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 1:40:34 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
Being with a guy who doesn't have enough confidence, honesty, and esteem to end one relationship before another?

Or maybe he's a guy who has enough confidence and esteem to get what he wants.



bandit25 -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 2:36:12 AM)

Sweet seems confused to me...well, why else would she ask other people's opinions.  Regardless of her moral code...regardless of her friend's moral code...she's confused.  Sweet, get your head together sister.  Don't worry about fucking!  Jeez, you have your whole life to fuck.  Get your mind straight first.



xxmstrchasxx -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 4:17:25 AM)

Well, here is my opinion.  You just ended a relationship with your Dom, C has a girlfriend and regardless whether he is happy or not, he still has her.  My suggestion would be to let yourself get back on track and give him time to break up with his girlfriend if he is going too.  Then worry about the other part.

I don't think you would be cheating at all but he would be for sure.

As far as everyone that says to go for it.....well, if I was a sub, I would be glad they were with someone else instead of me because you know it would happen to you as well, if you were with them. May be that is why some are looking for a sub now....huh?  I have never seen where cheating didn't hurt someone in some way or another.

Like was stated above, fucking isn't cheating. Cheating is when you're in a relationship and fucking and your other half doesn't know, like in C's case.



spankmepink11 -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 5:16:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

quote:

  
Interesting argument but fucking isn't cheating .. it's lying about fucking which is cheating


Celeste




That may be one of the best analogies ive ever heard/read?
 
 In regards to the OP , while i believe you should enjoy yourself and do what feels good and right to you, (It can be done as long as all parties are honest with themselves and each other.) ,  I do believe that a little emotional "downtime" is needed between serious relationships.  So if you feel the need for intimacy/submission/etc, by all means...fill the need. Only you can decide how to best do that.
 That being said, i very seldom if ever get involved in any way with someone who has  a girlfriend who He is "thinking of breaking up with" , and generally wait several months before i become involved again but....thats just me.
 good luck



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 5:45:15 AM)

I have to say I find it honestly surprising that people are so quick to endorse someone using another to fill a needy insecure gap, AND support someone cheating as a way to do that.

Does anyone really think this is a good way to go in the long term of things?  No wonder we get so many dysfunctional stories here.



candystripper -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 5:56:44 AM)

quote:

But the puritan ethos that has evolved with respect to marriage is not healthy, and there are very few animals on this earth that have one partner for life, as humans try to do.  One partner just isn't natural.  Ergo: what you call "cheating" is natural.
  

 
quote:

Interesting argument but fucking isn't cheating .. it's lying about fucking which is cheating and there aren't animals that you can point to which do that.. with the exception of man.

Celeste


There are animals which mate for life, such as swans.  As for me, i'd consider both cheating and lying to be Intolerable...but Celeste has a point...they are not equally grave.  S'how the lying about cheating is worse, imho.
 
And Celeste, we know that at least some species, such as dolphins, have a means of communication amoungst themselves.  Since we cannot interprete it, how do we know no dolphin ever lies?  lmao.

candystripper



candystripper -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 6:05:23 AM)

quote:

I do not buy the theory that all people need multiple partners. Just like I don't believe that all people need to be straight, white, black or whatever. There are people out there who are monogamous, there are people that need mutiple partners and there is a very big difference if you are cheating, no matter what circumstance you are in. As said by LA and Bita, a lie is a lie.
I have no problems with anyone who is in an honest and open relationship. I choose to be in a monogamous relationship, any partner I have will also be exclusive. At any point in time, should the person I am with, no longer desire that, I would want them to inform me before the fact, anything short of that is lying. That type of 'fun' is not worth someones life being derailed when your 'fun' is discovered.
This guy could be 'gonna break-up' with his girlfriend for the next 10 years and his girlfriend may not have a clue that this guy is running around. 
~big


i IM'd with a Man who was "getting divorced" and ergo, "not married".  They are still both occupying the family home, which is not for sale, and no petition has been filed.  i asked Him if His wife even knew He was "separated", lmao.
 
candystripper 




candystripper -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 6:08:23 AM)

quote:

Sweet seems confused to me...well, why else would she ask other people's opinions.  Regardless of her moral code...regardless of her friend's moral code...she's confused.  Sweet, get your head together sister.  Don't worry about fucking!  Jeez, you have your whole life to fuck.  Get your mind straight first.

bandit


Asking for input is not the same as "so totally confused" that one should completely withdraw from the field of play.  i ask questions here all the time.  How else would i get the other posters' input?
 
candystripper



candystripper -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 6:15:41 AM)

quote:

I have to say I find it honestly surprising that people are so quick to endorse someone using another to fill a needy insecure gap, AND support someone cheating as a way to do that.

Does anyone really think this is a good way to go in the long term of things?  No wonder we get so many dysfunctional stories here.

Lucky Albatross


i don't think:
 
1. The posters here have endorsed "using another to fill an insecurity  gap."
 
2.  What the Op actually did crossed the line into "f**king.
 
3.  W/we are in a position to really know if the Op's "love interest" would have been "cheating" had He gone forward and f**king had occured.  W/we simply lack information about the nature/state/status of the relationship with the 3rd party girlfriend.
 
4.  W/we do not get "so many" dysfunctional stories here; W/we do get requests for information, feedback, etc., which i believe is one of the functions of this board.
 
Btw, which method do you use to assure yourself that your partners are not "cheating" or "lying" to another iyo?

candystripper



Bearlee -> RE: I found myself in an interesting dilemma (5/24/2006 6:18:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: candystripper

quote:

Interesting argument but fucking isn't cheating .. it's lying about fucking which is cheating and there aren't animals that you can point to which do that.. with the exception of man.

Celeste


...As for me, i'd consider both cheating and lying to be Intolerable...but Celeste has a point...they are not equally grave.  S'how the lying about cheating is worse, imho.



uhhhhhhhhhh... huh?  I have a feeling that is not a point Celeste was making.  Her point was fucking is not cheating...lying about fucking is cheating.  While she did NOT say cheating and lying are not equally grave...I'd bet she means they are; and I'd agree whole heartedly.

JMHO
beverly



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