cannot figure out a Dominant (Full Version)

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bridget2 -> cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 1:58:56 PM)

Greetings A/all..perhaps some of you can give me some advice?

I am relatively new to submission. My first "Dom" never trained me fully and it was not a good situation. The Dom who is courting me now is a wonderful person- funny, kind, witty and tender.

There is one problem. I am a person who requires attention, not only in submission, but in romantic ways, i.e., spending time one on one just talking, maybe just holding my face, or my hand...(I'm a mush..smiles).

This man will do that in email, and over the phone. But in person, he shys away although he is a wonderful Dominant...I have told him when he asks me what I  need, and he responds that he understands that and that he is the same way..romantic, etc. Also each time I see him, he runs off after making love or a scene---and, I am starting to feel cheap. (Not used though...just....thinking..."I've told him that bothers me..and I know he means well...such a good man..etc.." but...he forgets? I dunno.

Am I asking too much of Him?
Thanks!
Bridget.



slavejali -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 2:07:45 PM)

Being able to walk the talk is a life skill. Maybe this man has inner ideals about somethings but is incapable of actualising them yet.

Re the running off: ....are you sure he isn't married?



bridget2 -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 2:16:56 PM)

Hi slavejali. You made excellent points, esp about being incapable of actually doing what He wants. True, the desire is there...but you know the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." Also, I'm not sure if I know enough about being submissive to understand the entire role.
Thanks
Bridget 



juliaoceania -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 2:23:25 PM)

I do not think you are asking too much of him. I think that if someone is not meeting your needs then perhaps it is not meant to be? If you think that you want to try to "make" him be what will fulfill your needs that never works (especially since he is supposed to be the Dominant one...smiles). Some people just aren't well suited. There are other subs that may be satisfied with what he has to offer emotionally, and there may be other doms that could give you what you need as far as affection and time goes.

Or it could be as Jali says, and perhaps he needs a "chance" to actualize himself. If you havent given him enough of a chance already, well perhaps you might want to now.Either way, if you are upfront about your needs and he still won't attempt to give you what you need, you may want to rethink the whole thing

On edit I just wanted to say I would feel very badly if my dom left right after scening as I feel very vunerable and "needy" after a scene. Perhaps my own post is a little strongly worded because I do not understand how a dom could continually leave a sub after every scene when they have expressed that this bothers them.

Just my opinion.



Wulfchyld -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 2:29:28 PM)

Bridget,
 
Being submissive doesn’t mean you're McDonalds. Just like any other relationship you have to have your needs met as well. The best thing I can tell you is it is time to negotiate the parameters of your D/s dynamic. Be very clear in your needs and wants. A good Dom will fulfill your needs and tease your wants with rewards.



Geez! My keyboard is possessed with typo's.



bridget2 -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 3:24:59 PM)

awesome advice Wulf. Needed that!



apb -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 3:51:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: bridget2

There is one problem. I am a person who requires attention, not only in submission, but in romantic ways, i.e., spending time one on one just talking, maybe just holding my face, or my hand...(I'm a mush..smiles).

This man will do that in email, and over the phone. But in person, he shys away although he is a wonderful Dominant...I have told him when he asks me what I  need, and he responds that he understands that and that he is the same way..romantic, etc. Also each time I see him, he runs off after making love or a scene---and, I am starting to feel cheap. (Not used though...just....thinking..."I've told him that bothers me..and I know he means well...such a good man..etc.." but...he forgets? I dunno.



Hi Bridget -

i am pretty new to the lifestyle myself, but even with my limited experience i can tell you that you are *not* asking too much.  The best part of a scene is the after care (just like the cuddling after making love).  All the Dom/mes i know, and especially the ones that i have played with, understand the importance of the after care and wouldn't dream of leaving me (or anyone else they play) "high and dry".  i cannot imagine how that must feel and i personally would not sub to a Dom/me who treated me like you have been treated.

i love to cuddle up to my Domme after a scene and enjoy her attention and affection.  The male Doms i have played with have also been very caring and attentive following a play session.

It certainly sounds to me as though your needs are not being met and i would suggest that you should not settle for less than you need and deserve.  Life is too short and my wish for you would be that you can experience the same love and attention that i have been lucky enough to find in my relationship.

Perhaps He is afraid of commitment?

Whatever happens i wish you the best!



fastlane -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 4:02:32 PM)

I'm a horrible romantic on-line...but a wonderful one in person....I'm the yin of his yang....LOL



BlkTallFullfig -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 4:04:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali
Being able to walk the talk is a life skill. Maybe this man has inner ideals about somethings but is incapable of actualising them yet.

Re the running off: ....are you sure he isn't married?
Great point, but he needn't be married; he may simply be someone who is uncomfortable with all the emotions that the acts of intimacy arise in him, and after the fact, needs to withdraw. 

I don't think you should settle for the sweet man if he lacks the desire and ability to connect emotionally and give you what you need; so don't drop him since you say he's a kool guy...  Talk, talk, teach and reassure him when you are together, and for Godssakes, don't have sex if you are feeling empty and cheapened by the act/after the fact.
Good luck,   M



jamesthehumanrug -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 4:16:19 PM)

greetings bridget
everyone has individual reasons im sure but when i run  off from a top very early in the morning after im thru or shes thru its cause i feel self conscious ,and dont want to impose;this makes me want them to be more romantic so i know enuff to stay so someone has to take the first step;thats all you can do



meatcleaver -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 4:34:54 PM)

I hate romance, its just not me, I can pay lip service but ultimately fail. I think a lot of men play lip service to get their desires which is usually sex. I'm not saying that is how your man is reacting but when a woman says she wants romance it's difficult to say no, even if you see it as a journey into the world of ultimate boredom.

Now I've eventually realised I don't care for romance, I don't even go there and leave it to men that are romantics. I've found there are enough women who do not want clingy, sugarcoated romance.

I guess I'm saying it's horses for courses and maybe you haven't got the right horse.



juliaoceania -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 4:40:21 PM)

At least you are honest about it, and yes there are plenty of women that gave up on romance a long time ago....

Actually I am of the opinion men are much more romantic than we women give them credit for... but then again what do I know .. Im just blonde



MsVoyeringmama -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 5:04:32 PM)

"are you sure he isn't married? "  <<< MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY- MARRIED OR MATED - AND MAKING QUICKIE TIME FOR YOU



MsVoyeringmama -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 5:11:41 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

Bridget,
 
Being submissive doesn’t mean you're McDonalds. Just like any other relationship you have to have your needs met as well. The best thing I can tell you is it is time to negotiate the parameters of your D/s dynamic. Be very clear in your needs and wants. A good Dom will fulfill your needs and tease your wants with rewards.
----I agree, if verbal negotiations don't work try a written contract- " state your needs- to include your cuddle time- and let him know he must bide by this contract.
"Geez! My keyboard is possessed with typo's" << mine too but I use edit botton  :) --- lol I just realized there is a spell check system here :))



ScooterTrash -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 5:24:35 PM)

I personally don't think you are asking for too much, nor do I think you should have to ask at all. Relationships are in fact built, but they need to be build on a firm foundation...in my eyes, part of that is an emotional connection which much come from both sides. If this is strictly a play partner situation, which it doesn't sound like, perhaps the hasty getaway would be more suited, but if you are looking for something serious, like a long term committment, it doesn't sound like it is getting off on the right foot. I would suggest a nice sit down and discuss "where this is going" talk.



Phoenixandnika -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 5:37:46 PM)

You need to be honest with yourself about your needs as well as him. Affection for some is a need not a want. I beleive very strongly that if someone can not meet your needs one of 2 things should happen. Either they make changes to meet those needs or you decided that this is not ahealthy relationship for you. In my opinion your needs not being meet is not healthy.
 
I also don't think your alone in needing to feel affection or cherishment. It is a very natural thing. However, for some it is unnatural to give that cherishment. If that makes sense.
 
I am not going to guess or make assumptions about why he does not give it to you, but if I were you I would ask him. I would also quickly discuss with him how when he leaves after scenes or love-making. In the end you and you alone can gauge how this affects you and if these are things you are willing and able to do compromise on without it hurting you.






BlkTallFullfig -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 5:40:13 PM)

quote:

I personally don't think you are asking for too much, nor do I think you should have to ask at all. Relationships are in fact built, but they need to be build on a firm foundation...in my eyes, part of that is an emotional connection which much come from both sides. If this is strictly a play partner situation, which it doesn't sound like, perhaps the hasty getaway would be more suited, but if you are looking for something serious, like a long term committment, it doesn't sound like it is getting off on the right foot. I would suggest a nice sit down and discuss "where this is going" talk.
Great idea, and I can hardly believe it's coming from a man, lol... Now I'm jealous of Jewel and Twicehappy
I've always heard said that the sit down and "where's this going talk" is a terrible idea which sends men packing usually. [8D]  M



ScooterTrash -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 5:59:04 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

I personally don't think you are asking for too much, nor do I think you should have to ask at all. Relationships are in fact built, but they need to be build on a firm foundation...in my eyes, part of that is an emotional connection which much come from both sides. If this is strictly a play partner situation, which it doesn't sound like, perhaps the hasty getaway would be more suited, but if you are looking for something serious, like a long term committment, it doesn't sound like it is getting off on the right foot. I would suggest a nice sit down and discuss "where this is going" talk.
Great idea, and I can hardly believe it's coming from a man, lol... Now I'm jealous of Jewel and Twicehappy
I've always heard said that the sit down and "where's this going talk" is a terrible idea which sends men packing usually. [8D]  M
BTF, er, uh, well, hmmm. Then they obviously are thinking with the wrong head...lol.



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 6:25:00 PM)

I agree with Scooter and many others..the aftercare is necessary or I would imagine it would cheapen the bonding that you are attempting to establish.Now with that being said..are you certain he is looking at this in a D/s dynamic..or is it in his eyes a Top/bottom thing?This is the absolute time to let the honesty ,communication thing begin...get your answers and then...make your decision of wether this is a viable relationship...be well..Tempting



subrob1967 -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 6:25:35 PM)

What ever happened to after care? I'm thinking he's running home to his S/O feeling guilty that he's playing with you. Not to be confused with playing you.

You're not wrong for asking for attention, other than during play, or sex.



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