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Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/30/2011 9:20:59 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

Greetings y'all....

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting? Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point? Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

Thanks.

K.

< Message edited by subtlyAlpha -- 7/30/2011 9:21:40 PM >

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

Post #: 1

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/30/2011 10:04:29 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I expect mutual respect at that point. I may request certain clothing - a blouse and skirt, for example. I will not request something silly like slutty clothing. To me, it's simply me suggesting something and her complying - the act rather than the image she will convey.

I will try to lead the conversation. I will tell her about me and try to find out about her, in a vanilla sense, and also note whether the "chemistry" seems to be working. My goal is to see if she's intelligent and mature, and comfortable in a me-led conversation.

If things go well, I may try to kiss her at the end of the date. If she is comfortable with that, I will then continue with phone calls and texts/emails and set up another meeting.

I wouldn't expect her to commit to me being her Dom on the first date. I do expect her to indicate whether she'd be interested in going further.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 2

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/30/2011 10:36:23 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

When I was meeting men from online I had zero expectations. They show up for coffee with me, we either hit it off or not. If we did then great....we continued to converse, hang out, spend time together and just go with the flow.

If we didn't connect then I finished my coffee, stood up, shook his hand and said "thank you for meeting with me but I don't think we're compatible but best of luck" and then I'd leave.

If he never showed up at all then I'd just shrug my shoulders and figure the day/night is still young and go off and find something else to do or I'd sit there and enjoy my coffee and book or computer that I always took with me so I'd have something to do while waiting. <I'm notoriously early to such things>.

It's not rocket science.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 3

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/30/2011 10:38:16 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Greetings y'all....

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting? Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point? Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

Thanks.

K.

I would have absolutely NO expectations outside of having a good time with someone who I hope would be interesting company.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 4

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/30/2011 11:00:30 PM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

{FR}
littlewonder - no implication of it being rocket science was meant - I am curious as to what others expect, as I'm aware that what seems obvious to ME isn't always how others operate. ;) And I always have a book (or my iPhone!) with me as well, both to occupy me while I wait (as I'm ALWAYS early!) as well as in case it ends up being a solo outing.

Thank you, all.

K.

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 5

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/30/2011 11:48:04 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

what Littlewonder said.

I always insisted on non-sexual vanilla dates for a few weeks in that "getting to know you" phase because I found it quickly weeded out those who just wanted a quick thrill and the guys who had "forgotten" they were married/in a relationship already.

Master and I dated for a month before I accepted his dominance. We were in no hurry - we want to make this relationship last so he was happy for me to be comfortable with him before we transitioned to D/s.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 6

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 12:28:47 AM

RaspberryLemon

Posts: 422
Joined: 7/18/2011
Status: offline

I personally have never done any online dating and am not using this site for it either--I'm not looking for anyone right now--but if you want my two cents I shall give 'em to ya (I like to lurk and have seen a couple of your posts and I like you, so I want to try and help.)

From anyone reasonable that you meet, you should probably expect something similar to what Steven said. It should probably go like a normal date--I'd advise that you wouldn't start or agree to the terms of anything power dynamic-related so soon. Just try to get to know each other as people first, to see if you are compatible. I don't think you would be expected to act submissive in any way when you first meet. Personally I believe none of that should occur before there is an official relationship agreed upon, and even then you might want to give it some time before you agree on certain dynamics (or just let them develop on their own.) Obviously, just be polite and respectful--that should be sufficient enough for anyone on a first date, and if not you probably ought not to bother with them.

You should probably state YOUR expectations before you meet up (if you feel that you should say anything, perhaps let them know where your boundaries lie or tell them that you will just be treating this as a normal date, etc.) and ask them for the same. Just communicate and see what works for you. Odds are with anything reasonable you'll meet up, talk, figure each other out, just be respectful to each other and if things go well, arrange another meet-up, if not, oh well.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 7

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 1:24:39 AM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

No expectations. I would just try to get through it without making an ass of myself, just like any first date.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 8

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 2:44:26 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

Hm, subtlyAlpha...interesting topic.

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.
Yep.

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.
Yep. Only it has been somewhere between 4 and 5 months.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.
Uh huh.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting?
I expect him to show up. I expect to be a bit freaked at first over the stranger who arrives...until as we talk I can see the person I know shining through. I hope to make that connection with them, and that it goes both ways. I expect it to be friendly and polite even if no chemistry develops. I have some bad buttons that might be pushed, so I have been known to check out my reaction to a man's cologne before he visits...and ah...this time I made someone buy a different pair of shoes half way through the meetup because I had strong negative feelings about the very nice ones he was wearing.

Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point?
No, I expect to know a man's vanilla side first and I do my best to avoid triggering a power exchange before I have met them in person and have decided to take what is already mine. Submissive behavior from someone I am interested in pushes my buttons, and since I have been between subs and not cooling myself down by casually topping friendly bottoms, I have to take care not to get drunk on hunger and go into frenzy. Rituals are not welcomed, and body language while we are talking usually tells me all I need to know.

I do not expect to make a decision on that very first meetup, and I try not to...but sometimes it happens anyway. Sometimes the air starts crackling within twenty minutes and plans for vanilla dating first flies right out the window.

Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?
No, I don't expect this. Nevertheless, sometimes they do anyway. It surprised the heck out of me, in one way, but in another way I was not surprised at all. Sometimes a connection felt through letters and over the phone takes on a life of it's own when those two people meet for the first time. I would be worried if someone decided that I was the one for them, without both of us feeling and acknowledging that there is an invisible leash in place already. Normally, I would expect us to take our time getting to know each other better. A "no way" can come fast, but something this important needs...courtship.

Thanks.
Thanks for asking something fun to answer.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 9

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 3:54:38 AM

RapierFugue

Posts: 4740
Joined: 3/16/2006
From: London, England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It's not rocket science.

Nothing is rocket science.

Apart from rocket science, of course. That is rocket science*.

*I know a guy who was a senior team lead on the Arianne space programme ... he used to delight in slipping the phrase "it's hardly rocket science" into as many points in a meeting as he could, when it was rocket science, so one of the puzzled technicians would have to then say "er ... but it is rocket science ... isn't it?"**
**he has a very fucked-up SoH. Miles worse than even me.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 10

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 5:52:04 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

If i meet someone, and they don't make me want to puke - or feel no connection, then further meetings are warrented. I have told people at the first meeting that i felt no connection and thank you for meeting with me.

Physical bdsm doesn't come into it on the first meet. I figure if he is looking for a quick fix, and i want something more long term, then its best to get it in the open right away.

I have been in the situation of dating several men at one time (and thoroughly enjoying myself too), but it resolved itself in one man within a reasonable timeframe (much to my chagrin - did i mention that i was having fun). He expressed an interest in an exclusive relationship, and i too was wanting that. So there it went!

For the record - I don't object to being directed on the first date. If he expressed wanting me to wear a certain type of clothing (vanilla) i would comply because i would want to be pleasing to him. I don't see that as submitting to a dominant, but more being a people pleaser with submissive tendencies while in the dating world.

(in reply to RapierFugue)

Post #: 11

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 7:20:06 AM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Greetings y'all....

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting? Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point? Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

Thanks.

K.

Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

While I think it is possible sometimes to just know, after a week or so of emails and chatting and one meet, I think while it is reasonable to express wanting to continue to explore mutual interest in each other it is usually presumptive to know you want to be collared by/collar someone.

However, sometimes people have such a need for belonging that they are willing to be a sub (or dom/me) to anyone that will have them and I think that is the danger with fast hook-ups. Neither party really knows one another and instead it is the idea rather than the specific relationship that is the driving force of the coupling.

_____________________________

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(as deemed by He who owns me)

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30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 12

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 7:28:35 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
Status: offline

I always plan to meet somewhere that I am going to have fun, even if they do not show up. I prefer to meet at a bar I am known at, where there will be some great live tunes.

I guess that means I expect nothing at all huh? I have never been disappointed!

As for the D/s aspect of it, a first meeting, to me, is like a first date. No d, no s, just two folks.

_____________________________

yep

(in reply to angelikaJ)

Post #: 13

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 8:53:32 AM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

quote:

kiwisub12
For the record - I don't object to being directed on the first date. If he expressed wanting me to wear a certain type of clothing (vanilla) i would comply because i would want to be pleasing to him. I don't see that as submitting to a dominant, but more being a people pleaser with submissive tendencies while in the dating world.

*nods* That, I fully understand, and can agree with.

quote:

angelikaJ
However, sometimes people have such a need for belonging that they are willing to be a sub (or dom/me) to anyone that will have them and I think that is the danger with fast hook-ups. Neither party really knows one another and instead it is the idea rather than the specific relationship that is the driving force of the coupling.

Yes! That is the vibe that I've gotten once or twice - that they believe I will 'suit' them, and thus want to go barreling right into a D/s relationship. Not so much.

Okay, let me answer my own questions, now - I try to not stick my opinion in the OP, as I think that 'leads' the threads.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting?
I expect them to show up, and on time. I expect us to have a pleasant conversation/interaction that includes subjects that are not kinky/sexual in nature. I expect them to spend a majority of their time focused on my face, and not my body. I'm impressed when they offer to pay, though it's not an expectation as I always come prepared to assume that we will be going dutch. *wrygrin* It's funny, I was floating around, reading the boards, and realized that one of the questions that puzzles me (and that I've only encountered in initial D/s meetings) is 'What are you thinking?' any time a conversational silence occurs. *twitch* It - reads 'lazy' - to me, on some levels, and as over-demanding on others. :)

Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point?
The reason I said 'explicitly' submissive behavior was because of the point that kiwisub12 made - some requests (clothing style, location of meet, etc) can be made and fulfilled with no problem, with the goal to indicate that I'm flexible/willing to please - but then, I tend to do that no matter what the dating situation. I definitely can see being able to decide if I want to get to know an individual better, with the potential goal of deciding to enter in a D/s relationship. It's a delicate line - getting to know you even better to decide if I'm interested.

Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?
I don't expect to be able to make a decision on whether I would want them to be my Dom/me at that point in time - for me, it's FAR too early in the process. *wrygrin* And for those who indicated that they EXPECTED such a sign at the first meeting - and in an explicitly sexual way - well, I'm much less likely to meet them. I can understand the urge to have a 'shit or get off the pot' kind of attitude - esp. for those Dom/me's who have been looking for a long time and have had less than optimal results from CM - but, uh, no. I'm SO not giving you my panties on a first date.

Again, thanks all for your input.

K.

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Post #: 14

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 9:52:40 AM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I expect them to show up, and on time. I expect us to have a pleasant conversation/interaction that includes subjects that are not kinky/sexual in nature. I expect them to spend a majority of their time focused on my face, and not my body. I'm impressed when they offer to pay, though it's not an expectation as I always come prepared to assume that we will be going dutch.

Seriously, LOWER your expectations, that way, you are NOT disappointed.

What if something happens and they can NOT be there on time? What if something happens and they can NOT let you know that they are going to be late UNTIL, it's too late?

Not everyone is proficient in the art of 'conversation'. Some people actually struggle to keep one going. It's not a sign of laziness or disinterest; it's just something that they are struggling with. Because of this, the conversation is not as pleasant as you expected. What then?

Some people have a natural appreciation for the human body. They LIKE to LOOK at it. This means, looking from the eyes to the feet, back up, back down, etc etc. Not everyone focus's their entire concentration on a persons face just so they can not insult them.If you EXPECT them to focus entirely on you the whole time, and not on something that they want to appreciate...you are going to be disappointed.

I am not slamming you for the things that you want to happen on a first meet, those are things that WE all want to happen. But, if you go in with EXPECTATIONS, you WILL BE disappointed.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 15

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 9:59:36 AM

BonesFromAsh

Posts: 1362
Joined: 6/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

But, if you go in with EXPECTATIONS, you WILL BE disappointed.

This is so true. In fact, I've learned the only thing I can really expect when meeting someone from CM for the first time is that I'll be getting out of the house for a bit.

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 16

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 10:02:29 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BonesFromAsh

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

But, if you go in with EXPECTATIONS, you WILL BE disappointed.

This is so true. In fact, I've learned the only thing I can really expect when meeting someone from CM for the first time is that I'll be getting out of the house for a bit.

Exactly. When I agreed to meet Master for the first time, I went thinking "eehh...I need a mini vacation and I like Baltimore". I figured if nothing else I got to get away for a little while and I got a free dinner out of it lol.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to BonesFromAsh)

Post #: 17

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 11:41:52 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I met him at a coffee shop in a book store. I could always have bought a book if he hadn't shown.

We hadn't exchanged pictures so I think I said I was leaning towards jeans and either a red or a pink sweater. He asked me to wear the red. As I came to learn, that's pretty typical for him. He always prefers me in red over pink.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 18

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 12:04:13 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

Well we had already been talking and emailing for a couple of months before we met in person, and by the time we met in person, we both knew there was an interest in creating a relationship together. Still though, no expectations. In fact, we spoke the night before our "first date" and agreed that if there wasn't a physical chemistry or connection between us, let's just say so, instead of making up excuses or saying "I'll call you later" and then never calling.

We had anticipated a good connection, but didn't "expect" anything. There was no direction of what to wear, how to behave, nothing like that. I showed up as myself, and behaved the way I normally behave. I figured if he didn't like who I was, then we'd go on our separate ways. So we were just ourselves. Turns out we had an amazing dinner, walk, and chemistry.

I'm a fan of just being who you are, and that will attract the right person for you.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 19

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 1:31:05 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Greetings y'all....

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.

I don't consider shooting emails back and forth "meeting". Not the point of your question, so moving on.

quote:

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.

Right here is the point where I say "I will be at this munch, in this location, at the specified time".

quote:

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting?

Dress appropriately for the venue and be on time.

quote:

Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point?

From the first actual meeting? Hell no.

quote:

Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

Thanks.

K.

No and I wouldn't want a sub who offers instant submission when knowing so little about Me. Whoever this is has no clue about My thoughts on Dominance, submission, or anything else that hasn't been covered except for a couple of hours on a first meet. That's not really knowing Me or knowing what they are getting into.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 20

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