RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 2:03:05 PM

Killerangel

Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline

Thinking back on the first meetings I've had with men that I was interested in D/s with, I've found there were some common threads there for me to pick up on. First of all, I tend to prefer no D/s requests or expectations from them at all. I've noticed that it makes me feel used later, I just prefer not to have it be part of the picture at all when I'm deliberating as to whether I like someone as a person or not. See, I tend to respond to Dominance, but I want to do that as something I offer to someone, not because I felt compelled to give it. If they go into that territory I tend to respond to it, and then I'm not sure if it's because I do like them or because I'm rather blindly following someone's lead. I need to protect myself, and I do that best if D/s is out of the picture at first. I don't want to jump from person to person, I want to think things through and settle on someone who meets all of my needs, not just D/s.

This is just my experience. If someone wants me to be comfortable and to truly give them a running chance with me, then they need to back off on behaving in a dominant manner and just be friendly and polite with me until I decide where I want to go with it. I hate feeling used after -even if nothing sexual happened. I just want to know that my reaction to someone isn't being colored by anything beyond how I'm thinking of someone. It's an important decision, I want to be able to look at it intellectually. JMO.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 21

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 2:12:55 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Greetings y'all....

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting? Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point? Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

Thanks.

K.

I have zero expectations for a first meet. I don't agree to meet anyone unless I think we have some common rapport. So we meet as friends. There is no dynamic requests or expectations or anything like that. I prefer to choose where to meet.

I meet to determine: Are you who you say you are? Do we have the same in person rapport that we did online?

No way in hell would I decide to have a relationship with someone on the basis of one meeting. That's just nuts. Do you decide to have a vanilla relationship with someone after one date?

_____________________________

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 22

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 4:23:21 PM

Tristan

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

I have few expectations on the first date. I'm mostly interested in getting to know the other person. I have little interest in discussing D/s until I feel there is an emotional connection. If there is an emotional connection, then the D/s stuff is likely to be good, but that can wait until a r/l relationship develops.

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 23

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 7:18:26 PM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

The same as everyone else. No expectations, just want to get to know the person. Hard knocks have taught me (and are teaching me, for that matter) to stay away from D/S stuff until I am certain there is some chemistry and I have no doubts about seeing the person again.

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 24

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 7/31/2011 10:54:56 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Greetings y'all....

Let's say that you meet a interesting party on CM, who happens to live in your area.

Y'all spend a week or so sending emails back and forth, and doing a bit of chatting - all in a very 'getting to know you' headspace - no D/s aspects besides briefly touching on common kinks/hard limits.

You extend a request to meet, and they agree.

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting? Is there any expectation of explicitly submissive behavior, and do you expect to make a decision on whether you would be interested in pursuing an D/s relationship at this point? Do you expect the sub to make a solid indication that you are the 'Dom/me for them' at that point?

Thanks.

K.

Why do you think that person that has some of the same interests as you ... would somehow be fundamentally different than a first date with a fitness freak??? I really don't get it.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 7/31/2011 10:58:02 PM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 25

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 5:55:47 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

Thinking back on the first meetings I've had with men that I was interested in D/s with, I've found there were some common threads there for me to pick up on. First of all, I tend to prefer no D/s requests or expectations from them at all. I've noticed that it makes me feel used later, I just prefer not to have it be part of the picture at all when I'm deliberating as to whether I like someone as a person or not. See, I tend to respond to Dominance, but I want to do that as something I offer to someone, not because I felt compelled to give it. If they go into that territory I tend to respond to it, and then I'm not sure if it's because I do like them or because I'm rather blindly following someone's lead. I need to protect myself, and I do that best if D/s is out of the picture at first. I don't want to jump from person to person, I want to think things through and settle on someone who meets all of my needs, not just D/s.

This is just my experience. If someone wants me to be comfortable and to truly give them a running chance with me, then they need to back off on behaving in a dominant manner and just be friendly and polite with me until I decide where I want to go with it. I hate feeling used after -even if nothing sexual happened. I just want to know that my reaction to someone isn't being colored by anything beyond how I'm thinking of someone. It's an important decision, I want to be able to look at it intellectually. JMO.

But what happens if there's vanilla chemistry but no d/s chemistry? Do you feel used? Does he when you finally give him permission to show that side of him?

I'm not talking about play but simple things like him taking the lead in the relationship naturally. Picking a restaurant to take you to dinner, and specifying a time as opposed to asking you what you would want to do. And if he really can turn it on and off, then is he the kind of dominant you respond to?

I think The Man grabbed the tray with our coffee and danishes and led me to the table he wanted to sit at. Nothing inappropriate in that but he took the lead. He isn't capable of not doing so with someone who doesn't themselves do so.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 26

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 7:35:47 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Same here. When I met Master he took the lead from the beginning. It wasn't a "d/s" thing or anything having to do with a fetish...he simply is a leader, a dominant personality. He walked in front of me, he ordered the food because it was a restaurant he knew well and wanted me to try some things he thought I'd like, he grabbed the check, he took care of anything that needed to be taken care of. That's just how he is. He can't turn it off and on and for me that's what really clinched it for me with him. It was then and there that I realized he was the one I wanted.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 27

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 8:34:02 AM

subtlyAlpha

Posts: 41
Joined: 7/14/2011
From: The United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Why do you think that person that has some of the same interests as you ... would somehow be fundamentally different than a first date with a fitness freak??? I really don't get it.

BadOne

I don't think that. *smiles* I was asking what OTHERS thought.

My expectations for a first meeting from someone who shares an interest in D/s are the same as I would expect from ANY first meeting, actually.

Someone upthread suggested that I lower my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I don't mind being disappointed - I'd prefer it, if the other option is to expect less than what I offer. :)

K.

< Message edited by subtlyAlpha -- 8/1/2011 8:37:55 AM >

_____________________________

That which yields is not always weak.

My opinions/clarifications relate to me and my dynamic/potential dynamic, and those involved in it. No one else. Srsly.

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 28

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 1:04:05 PM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Why do you think that person that has some of the same interests as you ... would somehow be fundamentally different than a first date with a fitness freak??? I really don't get it.

BadOne

I don't think that. *smiles* I was asking what OTHERS thought.

My expectations for a first meeting from someone who shares an interest in D/s are the same as I would expect from ANY first meeting, actually.

Someone upthread suggested that I lower my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I don't mind being disappointed - I'd prefer it, if the other option is to expect less than what I offer. :)

K.

allow me to rephrase Why would "anyone"...

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 29

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 1:11:04 PM

JWriter

Posts: 67
Joined: 7/27/2011
Status: offline

How reasonable that request is depends on what you mean by holding off. If you mean they are requesting that you do that old tired taking off your panties and putting them on the table thing, kneeling, allowing them to spank you in the parking lot, or, that sort of thing, then you are oh so right. No one should be doing that in a first meeting, unless the entire meeting is about determining if you want to quickly move onto a purely sexual thing for next weekend, maybe.

If you mean actually just not being dominant, then, if he can do that where nothing of it shows and he's just this guy the whole time, you feel no compelling urge to refill his water glass, nothing .. then he's not really dominant, to begin with. I don't mean that to be dominant, he actually cannot refrain from giving you any orders, though. Sure he can. But, it's still going to come out and you are still going to respond to it, if it is more than just a role he plays.

So, if you mean the latter, you need to ask yourself if you really want a dominant man at all, or, do you just want to be dominated in the bedroom, and, that sort of thing Because, I can't even write a simple little post on this forum, without other quasi-dominant women taking it as a challenge.

The fully dominant ones, however, seem to have no problem with it, and, either do the s-types.

The point being, dominance will out. You can't turn it off. Don't ask him to try.

(in reply to Killerangel)

Post #: 30

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 1:41:48 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Same here. When I met Master he took the lead from the beginning. It wasn't a "d/s" thing or anything having to do with a fetish...he simply is a leader, a dominant personality. He walked in front of me, he ordered the food because it was a restaurant he knew well and wanted me to try some things he thought I'd like, he grabbed the check, he took care of anything that needed to be taken care of. That's just how he is. He can't turn it off and on and for me that's what really clinched it for me with him. It was then and there that I realized he was the one I wanted.

Come to think of it, my first experience with him was much like this and what Des described. He chose the date, the time, the place. He pulled my chair out, ordered our dinner after asking what looked good to me on the menu (he still does that), decided to go for a walk after dinner, etc. I just naturally followed, because nothing seemed unnatural to me about the situation. After a couple of months in communication without having met, once we met things just fell into place and felt right.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 31

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 2:06:15 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

quote:

No one should be doing that in a first meeting, unless the entire meeting is about determining if you want to quickly move onto a purely sexual thing for next weekend, maybe.

Here you go again, telling me what I should and shouldn't do. What if the entire meeting is about playing on the first meet?

quote:

If you mean actually just not being dominant, then, if he can do that where nothing of it shows and he's just this guy the whole time, you feel no compelling urge to refill his water glass, nothing .. then he's not really dominant, to begin with.

And here, you're buying into the widely held <almost exclusively by single dominants, BTW> yet mistaken belief, that there is some mystical quality of "real" dominance, and that if you have it, your mere presence will compel service in any submissive. You may be a Dominant woman, but you will not inspire submission in every submissive. For example, you wouldn't inspire any urge to submit on my part, simply because you're not "dangerous" enough a person, hanging out with you wouldn't tweak my fear instinct. So, if a sub feels no need to fill his water glass, it only means she doesn't see that person as dominant, the next sub to come along may have to fight the urge to droop to her knees at the first word.

quote:

Because, I can't even write a simple little post on this forum, without other quasi-dominant women taking it as a challenge.

The fully dominant ones, however, seem to have no problem with it, and, either do the s-types.

This last bit has nothing whatsoever to do with the topic or the post you are replying to. You're simply whining because people disagree with you on almost every aspect of what you believe, and they react badly to how you present your ideas because it reeks of one-true-wayism. It's painfully obvious that you equate dominance with agreement your ideas, anybody who disagrees with you simply must be a fake.

Well, I guess I must be a quasi-submissive then, because, as you can see from this post, I take great exception to most of what you write.

quote:

The point being, dominance will out. You can't turn it off. Don't ask him to try.

When his child dies, and he's beside himself with grief, crying his eyes out in anguish, clinging to the woman he loves in a desperate need to find some semblance of comfort, he's being oh so dominant isn't he? Dominant people are people, they can turn it off when they want to, or need to. They do it all the time.

Edited for a bit more clarity.

< Message edited by HeatherMcLeather -- 8/1/2011 2:08:41 PM >

(in reply to JWriter)

Post #: 32

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 2:42:05 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JWriter

If you mean they are requesting that you do that old tired taking off your panties and putting them on the table thing, kneeling, allowing them to spank you in the parking lot, or, that sort of thing, then you are oh so right. No one should be doing that in a first meeting, unless the entire meeting is about determining if you want to quickly move onto a purely sexual thing for next weekend, maybe.

So Shorey shouldn't have pissed on me the first time we were alone?
And to think that here we are, three years later, still doing fun, nasty stuff together...

_____________________________

(in reply to JWriter)

Post #: 33

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 2:54:20 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

So Shorey shouldn't have pissed on me the first time we were alone?

sometimes, 1st meeting or 10th, the time is just right, and you fucking well know it.

oh fucking hell, i just agreed with aileen!

so, tell me, about this asswhore stuff, which do you recommend; bent over the back of the couch, or on your back on the floor with your ankles up around your ears?

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 34

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 3:26:01 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Those are good positions, but my favorite has to be tied to a sawhorse in a 8 x 10 public storage unit.

_____________________________

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 35

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 6:15:08 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for this first meeting?

What, if any, are your 'common/standard/often used' expectations/requests for a first meeting with a VANILLA person?

There's your answer.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 36

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 6:38:08 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Someone upthread suggested that I lower my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I don't mind being disappointed - I'd prefer it, if the other option is to expect less than what I offer. :)

That was me who suggested that you lower your expectations. However, you should not place meaning on something that was never there to begin with. Go back and read what I actually wrote.

My suggestions were in direct response to some things that you, yourself wrote. You specifically stated that you had expectations that he/she would show up on time...I suggested lowering that expectation to allow for emergencies. You stated that you had expectations of 'good conversation'...I suggested you lower that expectation because not everyone is fluent in social necessities such as ease of conversation.

However, since you have stated that you don't mind being disappointed in such areas...I'll leave you to your own reality.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 37

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/1/2011 6:48:12 PM

young5zero

Posts: 11
Joined: 3/29/2011
From: Mistress Leah
Status: offline

I like that.. I need to remember that when I am meeting potential cucks... as making sure the vanilla is going to work is also part of the relationship...

_____________________________

It is what it is...

Live by my own rules...

Mistress L

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 38

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/2/2011 7:10:43 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subtlyAlpha

Someone upthread suggested that I lower my expectations so that I wouldn't be disappointed. I don't mind being disappointed - I'd prefer it, if the other option is to expect less than what I offer. :)

K.

I believe you misunderstood what was meant by lowering your expectations. Nobody was suggesting you settle for a relationship with someone you neither like nor respect. The lowering of expectations was solely in relation to not being disappointed or frustrated if they're a no-show. If you take pleasure in a caramel frappicino anyway, then enjoy it by yourself. If the other person joins you and you share a nice conversation, that's a bonus.

Don't overinvest. Don't invest your emotions with someone you haven't met. Don't give over your power to a total stranger, and when you allow someone else who doesn't show to upset you, then yes, you've submitted to him without bothering to first meet him. Save the power exchange for the right person, don't shove it at every so-called dominant who you hope to meet for coffee.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 39

RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting? - 8/2/2011 7:37:46 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Meeting from last Thursday - what I didn't expect was that he knew my ex girlfriend. What he didn't expect was to be meeting someone for whom the woman he'd had a torrid affair with 19 years ago ditched him

I also didn't expect that we'd have so much rapport that we talked for hours and I hated that the night ended and that we'd spend most of the weekend together :)

(in reply to subtlyAlpha)

Post #: 40

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Expectations/Requests for a First Meeting?

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.125