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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 12:22:09 PM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika


So here's the thing: I wrote that some people are analytic, not overly analytic. There was no judgement in my statement. You are right, some people just like analyzing.

Yep, that's what you wrote, and I replied that I agree to it.  Then I also added that lots of talk about bdsm can come across as "over-analyzing", which is my own statement, due to my experiences.


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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 1:31:59 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


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quote:

Is over thinking a bdsm relationship a kink?
Oh yes! Yes, yes YES, YES!

There is not a shred of doubt that it can be. I simply adore over thinking everything. I love analyzing stuff and thinking about it from every angle. I'm still mulling over the ideas in my first thread.

I do it with everything, not just BDSM or relationships. The other day I spent hours and hours researching and thinking about the Suez Crisis in 1956. For no reason, I just heard a reference to it on TV and didn't know what it was so looked it up, and just went from there, reading and formulating ideas and theories and checking them, and so on. So yes, over thinking is a kink. It's one of my many kinks.

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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 3:12:12 PM   
littlewonder


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quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh

fast reply - Because it turns me on. It seems so final, so inescapable. It's like my slavery is set in stone. Just reading it is a huge erotic rush for me. I don't see it as over-thinking, I just see it as a really hot, exciting, submissive thing to discuss and decide on xxx


I had a contract with my ex Dom.
Inescapable? Not even.....seemed pretty easy to escape the day I threw his belongings out on the lawn.
Set in stone? Again, apparently not since none of what was written in it ever held up to scrupulous morals.
A turnon for some people? Sure, I'll give you that. It could be.

Me though? I'll stick to plain old communication with my partner.



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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 3:48:20 PM   
OwnedFemaleFlesh


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: OwnedFemaleFlesh

fast reply - Because it turns me on. It seems so final, so inescapable. It's like my slavery is set in stone. Just reading it is a huge erotic rush for me. I don't see it as over-thinking, I just see it as a really hot, exciting, submissive thing to discuss and decide on xxx


I had a contract with my ex Dom.
Inescapable? Not even.....seemed pretty easy to escape the day I threw his belongings out on the lawn.
Set in stone? Again, apparently not since none of what was written in it ever held up to scrupulous morals.
A turnon for some people? Sure, I'll give you that. It could be.

Me though? I'll stick to plain old communication with my partner.




You'll notice that I said 'seems inescapable' rather than 'is inescapable'.

Others may feel free to ignore their contracts, but once I agree to something on that contract, then I feel it would be dishonourable to go back on it. This is why, to me, it seems inescapable. YMMV.

Contracts are a form of communication btw. They communicate his rules to me, and they communicate my acceptance to him.

owned xxx


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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 5:27:26 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline 		One of the things I do on my job is help my clients write wellness recovery action plans. These are essentially just lists about what keeps them well, how they know when they getting sick, what to do when they start getting sick, etc.

Any, the reason I bring that up is because when I was training for the job, the trainer mentioned that he and his wife have a wrap for their marriage. Now, as far as I know, their's is a vanilla relationship but if it helps a couple to write down what to do in the case of an argument, how money is to spent, what to do if one becomes unhappy in the relationship, etc., then why wouldn't it be an excellent idea to write those things down for a bdsm relationship?

I manage both my mental illness and my job through the use of wraps. For me, they are "living" documents which are constantly changing. Some of what I had put on my mental health wrap no longer applies, so I've taken those things out and replaced with things that do apply. It is one of the reasons I have managed to remain medication-free for nearly 3 years. And those times when the job has become so stressful that I just wanted to walk out, I turned to my wrap.

I think it is a good idea to write things down. It doesn't mean those things have to be cast in stone and can no be negotiated, but writing it down gives a reference to what had been agreed upon.

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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 6:00:44 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		Not everyone is in a romantic or emotionally charged bdsm relationship... contracts are often helpful in those sitatuions... they are helpful in others.. I've used them, and will again if necessary.

I don't think that contracts or check lists, or any other paperwork is overthinking. Its just a different part of a bdsmn relationship.

< Message edited by Madame4a -- 7/31/2011 6:01:51 PM >

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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 10:34:41 PM   
Awareness


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Is over thinking a bdsm relationship a kink?
  No, it's usually a fairly good sign you're a woman, though.


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RE: Over thinking - 7/31/2011 11:11:18 PM   
domiguy


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968
Do you have a contract with your mother? Your best friend?


Comparing either of those relationships with a bdsm relationship is just as hard for me to wrap my head around as the premise at hand is for you.




DomImus never had a mother or a best friend. The subject at hand is lost on him.


Contracts arefairly stupid. They are necessary for people that cannot effectively communicate or need some sort of a document to try and enforce a control that they themselves are lacking.

With every relationships there are emotion involved, ebbs and flows and so much tends not to be static. Contracts tend not to keep pace with the fluctuations in a relationship.

They are for poopy heads.

your mileage will not vary



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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 5:52:16 AM   
DecadentDesire


Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline 		I think you are over thinking the supposed over thinking hehe.

But in all seriousness, every weekday when I wake up, I sit down and make a To Do list of everything I am going to accomplish for the rest of the day. Now, I am more than capable of accomplishing everything I need to without the list and can probably remember everything I need to do as well. However, writing it down reduces the chances of forgetting something and typically makes me more focused, on point and task oriented. This is because I have taken my structure or plan for the day and moved it from the abstract into something tangible and real that I can use as a reference. Anytime I feel myself getting off track or distracted, I can look at the list and get focused on what I need to be doing next.

I don't personally make use of contracts, but I have met a few dominants in real time who do (one or two of them I have great respect for). The difference between their D/S relationships and the relationships with their mothers and best friends is the presence of defined structure. Thus, in the same concept as my To Do lists, writing out a contract, that defines the structure of that relationship with the goals, rules, protocols, etc, etc makes that structure less abstract and more tangible. They are working towards something together and will sit down after periods of time to review it together and see how close or far away they are from their goals.

Another analogy would be doing a goal-oriented exercise program. You define your goals such as "I am going to lose 30 pounds", you write that goal down, you take pictures of yourself to reference later down the road to see if there is any improvement and you create lists of the exercises you are going to do on a daily basis for the purposes of recording reps. You do this to track your progress and make that progress something tangible that can you see and measure.

Much like that, a contract, for the individuals above, is just a tool for defining and maintaining structure in their private relationship. It does not replace their emotional bond or unique chemistry that brought them together. It is not the basis for why they are together. It's just something to help them get from point A to point B.

< Message edited by DecadentDesire -- 8/1/2011 5:55:52 AM >

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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 6:01:16 AM   
poise


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

I think you are over thinking the supposed over thinking hehe.



Thee Grand Poobah hath spoken.

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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 6:55:21 AM   
DecadentDesire


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quote:

ORIGINAL: poise


quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

I think you are over thinking the supposed over thinking hehe.



Thee Grand Poobah hath spoken.


Thank you, but do try to follow up "Grand Pubbah" with the proper courtesy and bow.


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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 7:51:38 AM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Is over thinking a bdsm relationship a kink?


I think it depends on how far it goes. Just like everything it has varying degrees. I think at some point it's closer to being a neurosis than a kink. The people who would tend to over analyze a BDSM relationship would also over analyze a vanilla relationship, BDSM just gives them an outlet where it's acceptable.

I'm aware of the fact that I'm a list maker and can be obsessive with projects. I'm fully capable of putting my head into something and staying there for days. Luckily, I'm with a man who shakes me out of it.


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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 9:05:11 AM   
kuppykake


Posts: 125
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline 		I think the structure of a bdsm relationship is a major kink.  People find that structure in many ways,  For some, it comes naturally.  I believe with others, though, that structure has to be created from scratch, and maybe that's why contracts and written rules/agreements are appealing.  Is over thinking bdsm a kink?  Yes, many of us enjoy pondering over it for lengthy amounts of time.  Perhaps writing some of these ponders down is a way a few of us "save" the thoughts (or thoughts intended on being actions)...kind of like bookmarking.  Also, knowing that the aspects of one's personal relationship are written down could also add humility.  "Taking notes" simply adds structure for some.

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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 5:07:43 PM   
poise


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: poise


quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire

I think you are over thinking the supposed over thinking hehe.



Thee Grand Poobah hath spoken.


Thank you, but do try to follow up "Grand Pubbah" with the proper courtesy and bow.


I will have you know, not only did I curtsey twice (one for Grand and one for Pubbah)
but I also blushed appropriately.



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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 5:42:00 PM   
Aileen1968


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Status: offline 		*fast reply*
I can see what the appeal is for some.
I like making lists and such to stay organized. But....
I still can't seem to think that by doing such a formal relationship that one is limiting it from the get go and not allowing it to develop naturally.
Plus it always comes across as a job to me and not a relationship.


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RE: Over thinking - 8/1/2011 5:56:21 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

Is over thinking a bdsm relationship a kink?



Hmmm... let me THINK about it and I'll get back to you.



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RE: Over thinking - 8/4/2011 2:54:20 AM   
SexyThoughts


Posts: 180
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Status: offline 		Confusing fantasy and reality is a bad in anything.

Live in the moment.

Look at the person, not the checklist. :)

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RE: Over thinking - 8/4/2011 11:12:59 AM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

*fast reply*
I can see what the appeal is for some.
I like making lists and such to stay organized. But....
I still can't seem to think that by doing such a formal relationship that one is limiting it from the get go and not allowing it to develop naturally.
Plus it always comes across as a job to me and not a relationship.


For what it's worth, some dynamics are closer to a job than an emotionally based relationship.  That's the very premise of service based dynamics.  It is the "job" of the service submissive to provide x, y, and z duties within the home.  In return, the Dominant will provide the structure that includes a, b, and c.  These aren't necessarily situations where folks are relying on the 'natural development' of being romantically in love.  With this in mind, a business model may be much more appropriate.


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RE: Over thinking - 8/4/2011 11:51:33 AM   
Marc2b


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quote:

I know you're being semi-sarcastic with this, but in all seriousness I'm pretty sure people do get off on the paperwork. It creates in them a sense that they are bound by law and gives them the (false) notion that they cannot simply walk out if they so choose.


[Emphasis mine]

Bingo.

That's how I see it.

Some people get off on the notion that they can't escape their "slavery"... until they've had their orgasm, then suddenly they want a ciggie and a beer.

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RE: Over thinking - 8/4/2011 1:23:25 PM   
RotHund


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09
i have a fetish for over-thinking things in general, not just BDSM relationships.


Dito

For some its a copeing mechanism for life, for others its just part of the fun.


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