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Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 9:01:06 AM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Hi

I am sure that this has been discussed a few times, but I would be interested in how submissive men / women deal with being in a relationship with someone who has no leanings towards D/s? I ask as I am currently in a kinda its-really-ridiculously-complicated relationship with a women who likes to play a bit, but has no dominant leanings (does that make sense). Now I'm not sure at all what will come of the relationship, but I wonder how people get around submissive feelings in LTR without that dynamic? I know in previous relationships (since I made my 'discovery') it has come across mostly as wanting to please and mostly positive, though it has left me feeling like there's a gap..

..apologies if this doesn't make a huge lot of sense!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 9:05:17 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		You have two choices...ok, maybe 3...

1. Stay and simply do things to make her life happy. Continue to be submissive, continue to serve, be who you are.
2. Leave and find someone who is into what you are into.
3. Ask her if she would allow you to seek someone outside the relationship.




_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to SuperHappy)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 12:19:39 PM   
pissdoll


Posts: 343
Joined: 5/25/2005
Status: offline 		i try to have relationships with men who are not into bdsm.
oh, how i try....

but i always end up lonely because i find the relationships lack something fundamental that i need...and there is nothing these men can do to fill the void. so the relationships go down in flames. the men end up hurt and confused. i wind up feeling like the villain because i know in my heart we didn't stand a chance. i'm just ever-so-hopeful. every time.


(in reply to SuperHappy)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 12:38:59 PM   
ZeroPup


Posts: 5
Joined: 7/30/2011
Status: offline 		Hi!

Tried it, and... well, it wasn't that bad. Although I had some problem with a girl, who had a bad habit thinking, that she should do everything herself, or she would look weak. That pissed me off. >.<"" But otherwise it was ok. Not perfect. But if they let me serve them, then I was all right with it. Only my masochistic side took this a little bit hard. xD And about pup-play... meh. But it was ok, sometimes, for me.
Although next time I want something more.

ZeroPup

(in reply to pissdoll)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 1:15:09 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pissdoll
i find the relationships lack something fundamental that i need...and there is nothing these men can do to fill the void.


Hmm, can relate to this.

Thank you for the replies =)

(in reply to pissdoll)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 1:18:33 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		SH.. you didnt say.. are you wanting dom/sub minus the S&M? or including it?

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polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to SuperHappy)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 1:32:00 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Greedy,

In my mind and with my limited experience, the S&M would just be the icing on the cake, its more about feeling that dynamic. Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, but if I'd known what I know now, I probably wouldn't have gotten into the one D/s relationship that I have / had as it left me hankering for something thats really difficult to find and has at least partially affected subsequent relationships (from one perspective, in a good way). For me, its kinda like getting addicted to a drug, then all the dealers fucking off.

Hmm

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 2:24:24 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Okay. What Greedy was asking was, do you want to submit in the bedroom, out of it, or both?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to SuperHappy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 2:44:00 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Yeah I did get that, though maybe I wasn't direct enough - the S&M is the icing and I've had enough kinky-style relationships. Its the dynamic that I miss.

Thread-Hijack kitten alert: 16735 posts? Do you ever leave? =p

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 2:51:02 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		you havent noticed MY post count?? LOL


ok, it seems to me you can do the submissive thing easily enough (just by doing stuff for her without her asking, and so on)... unless what you're missing is the direction of a dominant?

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to SuperHappy)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 2:53:40 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop
ok, it seems to me you can do the submissive thing easily enough (just by doing stuff for her without her asking, and so on)... unless what you're missing is the direction of a dominant?

Sure, and that's exactly what Carol would do. But in doing so, she wouldn't be "feeling any dynamic", she'd just be going about her life doing her Carol thing. I suspect that what's being missed isn't so much the "direction of a dominant" as that dominant energy that feeds and feeds off of the submissive energy. For all those who "feel" their submission, then it makes sense to me that doing so without the corresponding dominant side would be ultimately unrewarding.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to GreedyTop)
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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:02:26 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		Fuck me backwards...but DarkSteven's is within 2.5 years - thats like 18..a day. He needs an intervention! =p

When I get to see her, I do already and I make sure everything is prepped up and ready to ensure that she feels all chilled out, happy and like the most important person around...and its great, but there is that feeling missing. She does know this side of me and i have explained as best as I can.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:03:18 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop


ok, it seems to me you can do the submissive thing easily enough (just by doing stuff for her without her asking, and so on)... unless what you're missing is the direction of a dominant?


Agrees with Greedy.  That is what I did when I was married to someone with no interest.  It worked out quite well as I got to be of service.  I missed the service thing a lot after he died. 

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:06:36 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuperHappy

Fuck me backwards...but DarkSteven's is within 2.5 years - thats like 18..a day. He needs an intervention! =p

When I get to see her, I do already and I make sure everything is prepped up and ready to ensure that she feels all chilled out, happy and like the most important person around...and its great, but there is that feeling missing. She does know this side of me and i have explained as best as I can.



maybe ask her if, once in a while, when she feels you've gone above and beyond in doing something for her if she would just give you soem kind of verbal / physical "well done" kind of ..validation? (sorry, thats the only word coming to me right now..)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to SuperHappy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:21:53 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline 		That's an idea and I'm sure she'd be up for it. Its difficult for her as she's used to much more traditional style relationships..though I'm pretty sure that she flourishes with how I am with her.

Peppermint...you are correct, perhaps I am (somewhat selfishly) overanalysing it all (it wouldn't be the first time) and just enjoy the fact that she feels good when I'm around.

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:24:47 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		perhaps, if she's cool with that, then as things progress it might become more comfy for her, and let her be open to introducing other aspects..

best wishes for you!! :)

(I totally like this guy.. we're keeping him, right?)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to SuperHappy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:46:43 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GreedyTop

perhaps, if she's cool with that, then as things progress it might become more comfy for her, and let her be open to introducing other aspects..

best wishes for you!! :)

(I totally like this guy.. we're keeping him, right?)


Hehehe..ty Greedy, I'm feeling the fluffs!

(in reply to GreedyTop)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 3:59:38 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		You'll be up to 20 posts/day in no time; this place is addicting!

I perved your profile - good job with the screen name and resisting temptation to post outre pictures. Good start on the profile, but do add some vanilla information. There's lots of good profile tips in Ask A Mistress.

I'm sure someone will be along to offer tips on how you can try to get a little more kink into your current relationship. It didn't sound like you are too committed to it so I will leave it at - try giving her positive reinforcement.

(in reply to SuperHappy)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 4:10:25 PM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		I have no good advice other than if it is a new relationship, keep communicating with her about what/where you might like things to head and things that you both might like to try together...

and I agree with Greedy... can we keep him

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 4:16:59 PM   
SuperHappy


Posts: 67
Joined: 7/28/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

You'll be up to 20 posts/day in no time; this place is addicting!

I perved your profile - good job with the screen name and resisting temptation to post outre pictures. Good start on the profile, but do add some vanilla information. There's lots of good profile tips in Ask A Mistress.

I'm sure someone will be along to offer tips on how you can try to get a little more kink into your current relationship. It didn't sound like you are too committed to it so I will leave it at - try giving her positive reinforcement.


Heh, if I get to 20 posts a day then kill me...DON'T QUOTE ME ON THAT

Thanks for the tips - will add some vanilla stuff on the profile and have a look through that section for tips. Kinda saddens me that its considered good that a bloke doesn't post dodgy pictures..though I can see where you come from.

WRT my current relationship, its not a case of whether I am or not committed to it, but that outside stuff (specifically cultural issues) makes it unlikely that it will be long-term. I have no doubt that she would be up for trying lots of things out..and probably enjoying the fuck out of it, but aside from the fact that I'm probably fighting a losing battle in terms of being with her LT...she's just not a dominant type.

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 20
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