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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 6:09:00 PM

Buzzzz

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Talk to her about it. Maybe she has a domme nerve in there somewhere, or maybe not. But might as well find out.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 6:16:35 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
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I fell head-over-heels in love with my current partner, and we started out as a purely vanilla couple. Luckily, he had fallen head-over-heels in love with me too, so when I told him what I was into his response was, "Sure, babe. Let's try it!" From there, we've slowly but surely been adding hints of D/s to our relationship. So going from vanilla to D/s is certainly possible. But, for one, my partner already had dominant tendencies from the beginning, which probably helped. He really is enjoying the D/s aspects of our relationship now!

If you want, you can try adding some small sprinklings of D/s to your relationship and see where it goes. Or, you can try and do nice, submissive things and drop manipulative hints in the hopes she'll slowly become more open to D/s. A lot of people try the latter, but I wouldn't advise it. It sounds like you've already been as open and honest as you can be with her and she isn't interested in even trying D/s out. News Flash: You can't make people change, especially if they aren't the kind to at least try new things out for their partner's sake. If you feel submission is a part of your being, and she isn't willing to try and indulge it, you should probly break it off. This is very harsh advice, but if there is one thing I've learned from past relationships, its to NEVER EVER settle. You can have the whole package if you're patient and dedicated. Go for it. That's my advice.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/2/2011 6:19:15 PM

SuperHappy

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Joined: 7/28/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Buzzzz

Talk to her about it. Maybe she has a domme nerve in there somewhere, or maybe not. But might as well find out.

I have..and although she's very willing to have a bit of fun with some kink, she's pretty sure that she's not all domme-d up and knowing her history and mindset, it doesn't surprise me at all.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/18/2011 1:00:41 AM

Emmasubgirl

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Joined: 8/11/2011
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I have a mainly vanilla bf but I am chanelling my submissiveness into offering lots of oral and doing all the housework. I find that the more submissive I am the more he is willing to get use to it. However, I feel that he is becoming more interested in being dom the more he learns about how being submissive is hot for me. However, I am personally not interested I think in living a permanent lifestyle.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/18/2011 11:37:21 AM

Iamsemisweet

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Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
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Sounds like your relationship has an expiration date, for other reasons than your partner being vanilla. I am in a similar situation, only my guy is perfect for me in every possible vanilla way, and is even trying to understand my need to be dominated. It doesn't come naturally to him, though. So I am having to think very hard about what things I am willing to compromise on.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/18/2011 12:39:37 PM

coookie

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Joined: 10/25/2010
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For me personally, i wont let a relationship go too far that doesnt click kink wise. I think it is like thinking you are going out for a nice meal but ending up at McDonalds.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/18/2011 1:40:31 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SuperHappy

Hi

I am sure that this has been discussed a few times, but I would be interested in how submissive men / women deal with being in a relationship with someone who has no leanings towards D/s? I ask as I am currently in a kinda its-really-ridiculously-complicated relationship with a women who likes to play a bit, but has no dominant leanings (does that make sense). Now I'm not sure at all what will come of the relationship, but I wonder how people get around submissive feelings in LTR without that dynamic? I know in previous relationships (since I made my 'discovery') it has come across mostly as wanting to please and mostly positive, though it has left me feeling like there's a gap..

..apologies if this doesn't make a huge lot of sense!

In my experience, you can cautiously introduce BDSM elements into the kind of vanilla relationship you describe. You can start acting submissive, volunteering to rub her feet or do chores, rather than announce you a sub and want her to be a domme. From there, you see how things develop. She may go in directions you hope, she may not. Ultimately, she'll be who she is, and you'll be who you are, and you'll have to decide if that works for you.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 8/21/2011 10:53:35 AM

paulmcuk

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Joined: 4/16/2011
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I don't find it a problem. Being a sub isn't all that I am and I can be happy being a normal bloke. However, I find that even in vanilla relationships I go for independent, intelligent women. In such a relationship it's possible to be submissive in a subtle way. If you think about it, old-fashioned gentlemenly behaviour is submissive in its way. Opening doors, carrying things etc is a way of showing deference which comes across as romantic (notwithstanding the feminist view that it's "patronising") so it's a win-win. In a vanilla relationship I tend to let her decide what we do, where we go etc. Again, this lets her be "in charge" while casting me in the guise of considerate boyfriend. (And if we're compatible, what she wants to do isn't usually far from what I want to do anyway)

That all sounds more scheming and calculated than it is - like I'm secretly putting her in a role she doesn't want. It's not really like that, I'm just trying to point out that putting the lady first can happen in both D/s and vanilla relationships.

Of course, it only works if the woman wants that kind of relationship. If she wants a man who will "take control", we probably won't last long.

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 9/3/2011 7:07:38 PM

quietcuriosity

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I'm glad to see someone going through something similar to me. My bf and I have found we have D/s tendencies and we're exploring how to expand on that. There have been some changes since I've been here and talking to people and reading everything I can find time to read. I'm still having trouble expressing my own thoughts to him but I'm working on it. We've had a b/d dynamic in the bedroom and it's expanded to more D/s there as well, and perhaps outside of that too. Now if only he wouldn't try something, then follow it with "if that's ok with you" quite so much this would go more smoothly!

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RE: Submissive with a vanilla partner.. - 9/3/2011 8:37:27 PM

xCallMeSirx

Posts: 27
Joined: 8/14/2011
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I am new to all this myself, I will try to share what helped me jump into the role of Dominant.

It is difficult for vanilla males to forget about treating women as equals and with respect. Out of the bedroom that is still what I try to do, but in the bedroom I take over now. Direct him toward some reading material about things submissive women want that correlate to what you want. It's hard at first to tell a woman what to do without second guessing yourself as to whether or not she will enjoy it. I know it sucks for a submissive to have to tell her man what she wants, but if you get your hard limits, likes and dislikes out of the way. He can then more confidently tell you what to do without having to worry about all the other stuff. Hopefully he will understand the "gift" you are giving him with your submission, it shows you trust him. He needs to learn to show you he deserves this "gift".

If he can't bring himself to do it, just move to Arkansas and we can learn togther ;)
LOL, J/K (maybe)

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