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How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 7:19:24 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		A nice gentleman Dom that I dated a couple of times a few months ago has sent me a few emails periodically that I have largely ignored. However, I did respond to one recently, primarily because he was obviously beating himself up as to why it didn't work out. After my response, he sent me an email asking to know the real reason.
I am actually a little resentful about being put in this position, since I probably wouldn't dream of asking a similar question to someone I had only casually dated. So, how honest should I be? My reasons are not flattering, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. On the other hand, this man is very much into self awareness and improvement, which I admire. So, honesty or diplomacy? Or ignore this altogether?

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.
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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 7:46:59 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		Hmmm, good question. Maybe it comes down to how much you care to put yourself out. I think I'd be a bit resentful as well since he's basically asking you for something that you don't really owe him. If you feel like giving him something maybe prefacing it with "It might be difficult for you to hear, are you sure you want to know?" Then you could feel off the hook so to speak by telling him the truth.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 7:50:10 PM   
HisPet21


Posts: 395
Status: offline 		When you're really close to someone, I say that honesty is the best policy. If you highly respect someone and they ask for honesty, flattering or not, honesty is the best policy (After all, if you respect someone, you should trust them to know when they want the truth.). When it's some random guy you dated a couple of times...meh. I wouldn't lie, but answer his email only if you feel comfortable doing so and feel it wouldn't escalate any subdued tension or, worse, hint that you think it COULD work when it CAN'T if he were to improve such-and-such. Since you don't know him very well, you have no obligations to him, so focus on yourself and the potential outcomes of your actions...

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 8:09:56 PM   
Wantstocontrolu


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/11/2008
Status: offline 		Full disclosure of and in all matters.
Once the path of non-disclosure starts it just gets wider in time

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 8:12:59 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

A nice gentleman Dom that I dated a couple of times a few months ago has sent me a few emails periodically that I have largely ignored. However, I did respond to one recently, primarily because he was obviously beating himself up as to why it didn't work out. After my response, he sent me an email asking to know the real reason.
I am actually a little resentful about being put in this position, since I probably wouldn't dream of asking a similar question to someone I had only casually dated. So, how honest should I be? My reasons are not flattering, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. On the other hand, this man is very much into self awareness and improvement, which I admire. So, honesty or diplomacy? Or ignore this altogether?

Ouch. Normally I would say that since he is being so insistent about knowing why, I would say go with honesty. However, I can see that you do have quite a dilemma. How about...diplomacy mixed with honesty? Try to merge the two so that you are honest, yet at the same time, not so brutally so?


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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 8:13:15 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		In My opinion, the man asked an honest question and deserves an honest answer.  That doesn't mean that you have to make it as hurtful as possible to twist the knife or anything. 

If you asked someone for truth, you'd want them to be honest, wouldn't you?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 8:30:33 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		honesty mixed with courtesy.

You don't have to be rude for him to know what went wrong.

For example when a friend asks you if she looks fat in the dress. instead of saying 'yes you do" say "I think we can find something more flattering. That one just doesn't fit you well".




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Nothing has changed
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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 8:40:41 PM   
Fetters4U


Posts: 393
Joined: 5/25/2011
Status: offline 		Don't lie. Point him in the right direction without destroying him. Make it clear things are over between you.

You say he was a gentleman. Pick one or two things you liked. Pick one or two things that can be fixed and would improve his chances with others.  Then say something like, I don't fully understand everything (always true) but x and y were a problem for me. You're a gentleman, and most ladies will appreciate that you p and q. I have moved on now, but I genuinely hope you will find someone special soon.   

Someone (pim) on CM did that for me (without me asking), and the relatively minor changes have rocked my world. 

 

_____________________________

Male-Dom-Straight

A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up. -- Mae West
I like restraint, if it doesn't go too far. -- Mae West

To err is human; to edit, divine...

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 10:46:58 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

A nice gentleman Dom that I dated a couple of times a few months ago has sent me a few emails periodically that I have largely ignored. However, I did respond to one recently, primarily because he was obviously beating himself up as to why it didn't work out. After my response, he sent me an email asking to know the real reason.
I am actually a little resentful about being put in this position, since I probably wouldn't dream of asking a similar question to someone I had only casually dated. So, how honest should I be? My reasons are not flattering, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. On the other hand, this man is very much into self awareness and improvement, which I admire. So, honesty or diplomacy? Or ignore this altogether?


Did you ever tell him that you didn't think things would work out, or did you just not take his calls and ignore his emails? Yes, it was a casual relationship, but it would appear that he was hoping it would become more serious, so regardless of the reason, yes, you do owe him at least a polite, "I just don't feel it would work out" comment.

To simply ignore after dates, with no statement that you aren't interested (however you choose to word it) is rude.

On the other hand, if you did tell him that you didn't want to see him anymore, and he is still emailing, then he is being annoying and there is no reason to be nice.

Think of the times that you were on the other side...dated someone and perhaps was interested and he just dropped off the face of the earth without even a word.

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/3/2011 11:34:50 PM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  My position is simple.  A Dom should be dealing with everything the world throws his way.  Including the opinions of subs on why they didn't fancy him.

The reason, is that a Dom should exemplify the strength of which men are capable.  His primary attribute is the strength to deal with all outcomes.  Which means that brutal honesty from a sub is something he should not only handle, but should, in fact, value.

This lack of strength is why 98% of the people here aren't dominant.  You're not doing him any favours by being soft with him.  Be honest.  Brutally so.  If he claims to be dominant, then it's his fucking problem to deal with.  If he's not, he'll bitch and whine.  If he is, he'll take it on board.


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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 6:34:25 AM   
HannahLynHeather


Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline
quote:

After my response, he sent me an email asking to know the real reason.
the fucker asked, so tell him.

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 6:35:35 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U
Point him in the right direction without destroying him.

I selected this quote because this is what the OP is worrying about.

I had a much longer explanation but I decided it wasn't really necessary. This concern is ludicrous in my book unless the guy has the inner strength of a 6 month old infant and his dominance can be summed up in "bluster and swagger". Seriously, you had a few dates. This is not the termination of a 30 year long marriage.

I think the way your viewing him now tells volumes about how you actually see him and yes, it's not at all favorable. It's a wonderful thing that you two split up.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 7:13:34 AM   
StrangerThan


Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

A nice gentleman Dom that I dated a couple of times a few months ago has sent me a few emails periodically that I have largely ignored. However, I did respond to one recently, primarily because he was obviously beating himself up as to why it didn't work out. After my response, he sent me an email asking to know the real reason.
I am actually a little resentful about being put in this position, since I probably wouldn't dream of asking a similar question to someone I had only casually dated. So, how honest should I be? My reasons are not flattering, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. On the other hand, this man is very much into self awareness and improvement, which I admire. So, honesty or diplomacy? Or ignore this altogether?


First, you owe him nothing. Casual dating does not extend to defining one's bad points, mediocre points, or even good points for them.

Second, people who insist upon maintaining contact or attempting to generate it once the link has been broken always come across as a little creepy to me. I mean seriously, if you have parted ways from what was a casual involvement in the first place, the person who won't let go until they know every single detail of why, often seems to be willing to argue or debate those points.

So he asked an honest question. So what? He is no more deserving of an answer than anyone else, especially since you apparently gave him one already, and he's now asking for the "real" reason. It leaves you in the position of how gently you let someone down or do you just smack them in the face with your version of the truth - which is what it is since your feeling is subjective to you and may mean absolutely nothing to the next person.

If I chose to provide an answer, I'd qualify it up front. I'd tell him, if you want reasons, I'll give them to you but I'm not going to debate them. I'd let him know that what passed between us may have been something I enjoyed to a degree but chose not to pursue and as such, wasn't going to. If he came back and said tell me, I probably would. I'd also ignore any attempts to delve further or to talk around them, because my reasons are mine, not their's.

Can you tell? I been there before. I'm not saying you have to turn your back on those in the past. I'm saying that when those in the past won't let go, sometimes you have to let go for them. I don't know which is the case for you. I do know that following that road can lead to more and more of the same if you're not careful.


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--'Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform' - Mark Twain

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 8:45:05 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrangerThan

First, you owe him nothing. Casual dating does not extend to defining one's bad points, mediocre points, or even good points for them.

Second, people who insist upon maintaining contact or attempting to generate it once the link has been broken always come across as a little creepy to me. I mean seriously, if you have parted ways from what was a casual involvement in the first place, the person who won't let go until they know every single detail of why, often seems to be willing to argue or debate those points.

So he asked an honest question. So what? He is no more deserving of an answer than anyone else, especially since you apparently gave him one already, and he's now asking for the "real" reason. It leaves you in the position of how gently you let someone down or do you just smack them in the face with your version of the truth - which is what it is since your feeling is subjective to you and may mean absolutely nothing to the next person.

If I chose to provide an answer, I'd qualify it up front. I'd tell him, if you want reasons, I'll give them to you but I'm not going to debate them. I'd let him know that what passed between us may have been something I enjoyed to a degree but chose not to pursue and as such, wasn't going to. If he came back and said tell me, I probably would. I'd also ignore any attempts to delve further or to talk around them, because my reasons are mine, not their's.

Can you tell? I been there before. I'm not saying you have to turn your back on those in the past. I'm saying that when those in the past won't let go, sometimes you have to let go for them. I don't know which is the case for you. I do know that following that road can lead to more and more of the same if you're not careful.



This. You don't really owe him much, it would be different if you had more of a tie to him. I've been there before too where I will do something for someone who asked me this very same thing, and then they try to argue it with me...ugh! I love this suggestion of if you decide to give him the information he's asking for, to give it to him with the caveat that it's a one way communication. A kindness from you to him that is not up for debate. Perhaps one message written from you that gives the main points in a way that's not too hard for him to read.

It's really up to you since it's an effort that you're making with nothing to receive in turn, and the possibility for some drama to boot. I've done this and regretted it since I got some drama on my doorstep in return for my diplomatic effort. Not sure if I'd do it again, I guess it depended on how favorably I felt about the guy.

(in reply to StrangerThan)
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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 9:22:09 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't owe him anything. And him wanting to know the real reason or twelve doesn't mean that you have to do things you dislike; say hurtful comments.

Really, nothing more than "There's no chemistry" is needed.

Because really, if your motivating factor is that he's overweight, he already knows that. If it's that he's 5'2", he already knows that. If he's a high school drop out, the same.

It doesn't matter what the real reason is because it won't change how you think about him. And the next woman he dates may not care that he's carrying a few extra pounds, or is short, or doesn't have a string of degrees. If he isn't sufficiently self aware to know what areas he could improve in, then he won't become so from you telling him. And if he already knows what they are, how can you stating the obvious change it?

Not enough chemistry is all you owe.


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Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 7:36:32 PM   
Iamsemisweet


Posts: 3651
Joined: 4/9/2011
From: The Great Northwest, USA
Status: offline 		I have gotten over my fit of picque, and I intend to respond with what I liked and what I didn't in a nice way. Thanks for the suggestions, I think they were wise. Although, if he continues to stalk me (albeit by Internet), I will let him have it with both barrels. I made it clear a couple of months ago I wasn't interested, I can't imagine why he keeps emailing me, or cares what I think. That is certainly not how my mind works.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 8:54:37 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I've had guys on here do that that I met in the past in person or who I talked with for awhile but then said I wasn't interested. They would continue to stalk me online so I just put them on ignore and deleted their emails unread. Eventually they got tired of no answers or either I simply can't see them anymore so that's what seems to work for me.

If you don't give them any attention they eventually go away.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 9:37:14 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I have gotten over my fit of picque, and I intend to respond with what I liked and what I didn't in a nice way. Thanks for the suggestions, I think they were wise. Although, if he continues to stalk me (albeit by Internet), I will let him have it with both barrels. I made it clear a couple of months ago I wasn't interested, I can't imagine why he keeps emailing me, or cares what I think. That is certainly not how my mind works.


Ah, so you DID tell him you weren't interested, and he keeps asking why. That changes the whole approach. In my opinion, you told him you weren't interested and now he keeps emailing you, so I would tell him that because he is obviously a little too obsessive and clingy which is obvious from his emails.

Or you could just block and delete.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 10:18:58 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline 		When I had cyber-stalkers, I said, "Thanks for giving this a try but I've moved on. I wish you well and would appreciate no further contact, please." Then blocked. Easy. When I've had one or a few dates with someone and know I'm not interested in anything further, I say "Thanks for giving this a try. It's not going to work out for me. I wish you well, goodbye." If I want that person for a friend but know there's no possibility for romance, I say, "Thanks for giving this a try. I'm sorry there's no chemistry here for me for a romance, but would you like to stay in touch to...(kayak San Simeon Point, hike Valencia Peak, attend a contra dance, go to a concert, etc...whatever I would actually enjoy doing with him)." I gave clear information so they knew where they stood, and many have turned out to be long-time friends.

State your case to Mr. Persistent in a way that feels right to you, then be done with it.


< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 8/4/2011 10:24:13 PM >

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 10:43:59 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

I have gotten over my fit of picque, and I intend to respond with what I liked and what I didn't in a nice way. Thanks for the suggestions, I think they were wise. Although, if he continues to stalk me (albeit by Internet), I will let him have it with both barrels. I made it clear a couple of months ago I wasn't interested, I can't imagine why he keeps emailing me, or cares what I think. That is certainly not how my mind works.

OK.  This is something different.  If you have already told him something as a reason, that's sufficient. 

If he's pestering you, why don't you just block him?  From what you are saying here, you're not interested in continuing with the guy.  Is there any advantage to *not* blocking him?


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Iamsemisweet)
Profile   Post #: 20
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