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puella -> We Bring it Upon Ourselves (8/7/2011 12:19:09 PM)
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At what point did it become a fairly common idea amongst those of this community (and it is VERY common, in my experience) that if a woman is submissive she must therefore be:
a. a slut, easy …. or at least, easier...
b. so desperate, by very nature, to please anyone that she has no control over herself or her desires and has gleefully surrendered any sort of personal moral compass
c. open to and longing for men /women (even those she does not know)to treat her with less respect and common decency than a person who does not identify as submissive
d. knowing of this about themselves, so as to not only expect and understand that they will be a less worthy, less important and less deserving person (based solely upon that one aspect of self alone), they willingly submit to it (and perhaps even secretly desire it)
Time and time and time again, I (and I am sure, many others) have been subjected to a full spectrum of this thinking and attitude, from full on unbelievable rudeness and ideas of entitlement to just mild, sinuously oily innuendo or reproof, both here and in offline interactions.
How many times have I heard, even from people whom I believe genuinely like and know me, that perhaps, as I am not as sexually promiscuous or forthcoming as is common, that perhaps I do not belong in this community, on Fetlife, or Collarme,or even at a D/s function....
How many times have I been approached without even the tiniest modicum of respect that you would afford to any stranger, and been given an insidious look, have had the very first words of greeting to be uncomfortably knowing,assuming and oppressively inappropriate?
How many times have I confronted this behavior and been told... "What do you expect... you say you are submissive," "Look where you are," "Look at yourself"....."What do you expect?" How many times have I politely asked in return of a frightfully presumptuous greeting.... “If you had just met me in line at the grocery store, or at a bar, would you have said _just that_ to introduce yourself to me?”, and been told in rebuttal, simply... “I though you said you were submissive....”
How MANY times have I heard that outright “You said you were submissive...” and the hideously implied “You were asking for it...”
Really? I don't remember asking for that.
Am I to believe that Fetlife, Collarme and any and all D/s related arenas and functions I may attend, espouse the idea that their only reason for being is because the people who are dominant or submissive believe that D/s is _singularly_ a SEXUAL facet of themselves,the places they choose to frequent, and their congress with like-minded individuals, and thus, anyone who presents themselves in such forums is really just ones way of stepping out with some sort of neon “You Can Grope And Fuck Me, I'm Submissive” or “I Will Whip And Fuck You, I Am Dominant” billboard of intention?
That is all D/s is about anymore? Getting a leg over?... The way you choose to fuck and accoutrements you bring to the arena before doing so???
Certainly there is (or rather there can be but does not have to be) a component of sexuality in D/s relations,a very strong one, even.... but when I say that I am submissive, I am saying, that that is an organic part of who I am as a human being. It has always been within me and It has grown and developed as I have as a woman. It is more than any one thing, and is an integral part of who I am.....
It is ONE part of who I am...
It is not all that I am.
And it does not entitle others to anything at all.
I do understand that there are a few bad apples in every crowd... but this has become a more pervasive attitude than I believe is acknowledged. It does not always arrive in the glaringly obvious, smarmy come-ons. It is not always delivered by random strangers just trying to cash in on the numbers game by blasting out at every chick who seems available...
And it is not always the dominants who make this behavior not only happen, but casually, inch by inch, to become more tolerable... more acceptable... less egregious.
I am submissive. I am passionate. And I do not want to be treated like some sort of communal whoring chattel...not mildly and certainly not overtly.
That is not what being submissive means to me.
It is an intensely personal, poignant and dangerously soul-baring part of who I am, and how I love. It is not something I can, should, or want to give out to everyone in every way.
It is not something I HAVE to give to everyone or anyone, in anyway, even if casually, there are parts of my submissive nature that do tend manifest innocuously, in my relations with just about everyone...
My desire to be treated as a sentient being does not diminish that part of who I am that is submissive.
My absolute and resolute decision to not allow people to treat me with disrespect, inappropriate behaviors, or an assumed set of allowable impositions, does not make me less submissive.
My refusal to be overtly sexual with people with whom I am not in relationship, does not make me less submissive.
My refusal to hold the highest of standards for myself, my refusal to lower myself, my dignity and my principals as a human being, even (or perhaps even especially!!) in a D/s environment, does not make me less of a submissive.
“We” pride ourselves on being an open, tolerant community. We pride ourselves on being sexually aware and socially accepting.
Would we accept some of the behaviors and assumptive interactions that are so commonplace as to almost go unnoticed, if they were dosed out to those who did not identify as a dominant or submissive... would it be OK for a dominant to go up to a 'vanilla' friend and touch her breast or pat her ass or say some of the things that are so often thought of as glib and knowing by those who are in the lifestyle?
I just impress upon all of us to really think about the little things we do and expect (or just expect to get away with) because... we are in a D/s setting.
Notice your comments, notice your touching, notice the different way you treat submissives versus non-lifestylers.
And stop trying to foist your own brand of what it means to be dominant or submissive, your own needs, off on others. They might well be different, but thinking them less or less committed is a dangerous path to walk down... in your own psyche.
Wooh! That was a lengthy rant!
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