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A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 12:16:33 PM   
SweetEscravo


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		To everyone who is in any way submissive:

When not literally playing or having sex with a dominant, how do you continue to be submissive?  Are you submissive in any way with family, friends, or co-workers?  (Subtly of course)  If not, why not?  What stops you?

For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others? 

I am asking this because, after a lot of thought, I realised I am not exactly where I want to be with my own submission.  However, I no longer have a dominant to work with me....thus I really have no specific person to submit to.  Despite this, I have decided I want to work on my personal submission, so when another comes into my life, I will have grown and be more aware of myself.  I don't really know where to go from there though.

I am not saying I will "submit" in the cliche sense to everyone in my life...rather, I want to bring out the sweet, helpful and loving aspects of submission, and begin to put the willl and needs of others above my own.  How can I go about this though? (Again, being subtle)  I am looking to become a more helpful and outgoing person in order to make me a better submissive.

Any thoughts?  What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period or time without your dom? 

My problem is that the submission is inside me...in all aspects, but it is extremely difficult for me to bring that out in my day to day life...and that was one of the problems my dom and I had.  How can I work on this?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 12:26:25 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo
When not literally playing or having sex with a dominant, how do you continue to be submissive?  Are you submissive in any way with family, friends, or co-workers?  (Subtly of course)  If not, why not?  What stops you?

How do you continue to be bisexual?

It's who you are- not what you do.

quote:


For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others? 

It's not in actions.  It's simply who you are.

quote:

How can I go about this though? (Again, being subtle)  I am looking to become a more helpful and outgoing person in order to make me a better submissive.

Any thoughts?  What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period or time without your dom? 

What do YOU define as "submissive"?  I'm a slave no matter where I go, who I'm with, what planet I am on.  Because it's just me and the only thing that matters is between whatever relationship I am in as a slave.  If I'm not in a relationship as a slave, then it doesn't really matter to anyone else any more than it matters that I'm polyamorous.

quote:


My problem is that the submission is inside me...in all aspects, but it is extremely difficult for me to bring that out in my day to day life...and that was one of the problems my dom and I had.  How can I work on this?

Stop asking the question "How can I focus and grow as a submissive?"

And start asking the question "How can I focus and grow as myself?"

In reality, they are the same questions, but you need to stop fencing yourself in with ideas of what a "submissive" is/does.  Haven't you learned yet that we're all as different as you can possibly imagine and there's no possible way to show another how to "be" who they are?

That being said- self-improvement has many standard applications, learn service and life skills, exercise more, eat better, volunteer your time to others, appreciate the politics of your world, etc.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 12:34:48 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: When not literally playing or having sex with a dominant, how do you continue to be submissive?  Are you submissive in any way with family, friends, or co-workers?  (Subtly of course)  If not, why not?  What stops you?


When he calls, I give him all my attention and focus. I am just naturally submissive to and with Him, I cannot explain it. He brings that out in me, even when we are not on the same page on an issue, we respect and love eachother so things like that don't interfer. At work I HAVE to be dominant, its part of the job. I do front office so if I cannot handle or control a difficult situation then I am not doing my job; on the other hand, I will ask clients if they would like coffee or water or along those lines, thats as much 'serving' as it is my job.

quote:


For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others? 


Sublty. I have a child and he has a child, so we walk a fine line, its things like, when we are watching tv I sit on the floor next to him and put my head in his lap, we have such a high level of respect for eachother that things balace themselves out. Yesterday, I wore a g-string with the word 'naughty' on it under my business suit, only he and I knew it was there, but it made me think about him all day even more.
I treat othes how I was raised, I am a lady, I take care of any guests in my house and if I get up to get somthing to drink, I will offer to get something for someone else as well.

quote:


...Any thoughts?  What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period or time without your dom? 


I think about those times when we are together. I can be 'assertive' when online but the few who have spent any time with me on the phone and have gotten past my 'tough exterior' know I am a pussycat and very demure most of the time. I have always been this way, its nothign I really have to work on.

_____________________________

http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/

"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 12:37:05 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Practicing self discipline just in your everyday life, perhaps volunteering in some way and like you said just having a kind and thoughtful attitude towards the circumstances and people who cross your path.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 12:49:59 PM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		First i would like to commend you on your desire for personal growth... 

I will address the easier part of your post first...
quote:


What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period or time without your dom?
 
I do exactly what your doing.  I work on self improvement.  I once found myself in a position where i found myself not feeling worthy of a particular Dom whom i very well could of had a lasting relationship with.  I vowed never to find myself in that particular situation again.  Anytime i step up to the plate so to speak, i am presenting the best me i can possibly be at that point and time.
quote:


For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others? 
 
I had my own business for 15 years with 25 people i employed, most of them male. I think if you were to ask them, they would say i was firm, fair, didn't take any guff and as they often would tell me "a lovely lady".  For me, it's all in my demeanor.  I am not sure this has anything to do with being submissive as my submissivness is so intertwined with every part of my being i don't know where it starts and where it ends.  It's not something i practice or work at, it's just me. 

My pleasure and happiness comes from doing for others rather than having things done for me.  I sometimes wonder if this is a contradiction in terms as i am in a sense being self centered in doing for others...but that's a whole different thought. 



_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.


(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 1:35:13 PM   
eroticangel


Posts: 272
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		i have to agree it is just who i am....i don't know how to practice it...it just is

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 1:45:07 PM   
MyCaptainsPet


Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline 		i tend to be submissive in my every day life. People figure this out about me at work or such and they  will use it to their advantage, walking all over me and dumping their own work or issues on me. i've always given in to authority, bent to fit in a situation. If my boss wants me to work late with no prior notice i'll do it, even if it means i'll miss something at home or be late for something important. A lot of times i feel horrid for allowing them to dominate me, and control me. i feel intimidated by anyone in a position of power, or anyone who is of a higher position in the company. Sometimes to the extent of feeling ill if i have to ask for time off or  help with something or having to call out for the day...

This frustrates me and i fight it ever step of the way. i hate feeling taken advantage of and used  because of my need to please those around me.

My last job this got to be a huge issue for me. So, i finally  stood up for myself and said NO to someone when they asked me to do something above and beyond my job...

i promptly got fired. Go figure.

But, that is in every day things, not in my personal life.  There i only truely submit to my C on every level. i refer to him with decisions, issues and input for ALL things. i will wait on him hand and foot. Cater to him. Do anything for him.. For my C i will bend over backwards... stand on my head and spit quaters if that is what he wants or needs or asks of me. He never makes me feel used or taken advantage of. He truely cherishes my submission and seems to enjoy nurturing it and watching it grow.


< Message edited by MyCaptainsPet -- 5/19/2006 1:51:18 PM >

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 2:02:10 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		It is not only hard to be submissive at all times to all people, but I would say it isnt even desirable.

I would guess not many people would think of me as submissive in my outside dealings with the world, especially in the academic setting I have found myself in. I found myself constantly put in charge of things, such as clubs I belonged to, research groups, group projects and the like. When I found out about my submissiveness I asked myself if this was just a bedroom activity or were there signs of my submissiveness elsewhere in my life... The answers surprised me.

You see, I do not think people would think of me as a submissive, but I do defer to those I RESPECT. The professors I have respected and fellow students I have respected, I have defered to gladly. In my family, well they know I am a soft touch, not bossy, hate to be the one to have to rain on a parade. I think they, more than anyone I know, would recognize my submissiveness if they knew what that even was... I am just very "nice"...lol (might not know it from how I post here...lol). I try to make everyone happy.

Now I am not submissive to just anyone. I respect people until they give me a reason not to, but I do not feel a need to defer to just anyone, and I would think it unhealthy for me to be that way. Any dominant that wanted me to be submissive to everyone we came into contact with would not be the dom for me. I would behave always in a way that he would be proud of, but my desire to truly submit extends to him and no one else. I may have some of these traits all the time, but they find their full expression with my One... At least that is how I feel about it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 2:20:25 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I was just thinking about this topic some more. I am in a management position at work, I really think my submissive nature allows me to be a good people person and aides in my abilities to manage. All the feedback I get is that I'm a wonderful person to work for. I've often said on these boards, I'm not submissive to everyone, yet now I'm wondering if thats entirely true...my submissiveness is a strong quality...it does play out in the way I interact.....it can manage and direct as well very effectively.


_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 2:36:12 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

To everyone who is in any way submissive:

When not literally playing or having sex with a dominant, how do you continue to be submissive?


it isn't something this slave has to put effort into, it just is.  the effort comes in when she is expected to behave in a Dominant manner---that only happens with puppies and unmentionables.  exerting Dominance through attitude and action can be faked, the dogs and the wee ones bought it. it doesn't feel authentic or a genuine representation of this slave, even after 19 years, but they needed it from time to time, and this slave ended up being the one for the task.

quote:

Are you submissive in any way with family, friends, or co-workers?
 

before Master, this slave was submissive to them all, now Master chooses who this slave will be submissive to and in what way.

quote:

For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others?


this slave was trained at an early age to put others thoughts, feelings, needs, wants, desires, etc. in front of her own.  to live to serve, and serve to live.  it's either natural, or so deeply ingrained that it is automatic.  when this slave went in search of spirituality and committed to following a certain path, it became not just a physical or mental experience or choice.
 
quote:

I am not saying I will "submit" in the cliche sense to everyone in my life...rather, I want to bring out the sweet, helpful and loving aspects of submission, and begin to put the willl and needs of others above my own.  How can I go about this though? (Again, being subtle)  I am looking to become a more helpful and outgoing person in order to make me a better submissive.
Any thoughts?  What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period...?
 

meditated, hiked in the forest, combed the beach, volunteered, donated 14 inches of hair to Locks of Love, took a class and learned something new just for fun, volunteered, donate blood on a regular basis(this slave couldn't, but maybe you can), helped out at the local homeless people and abandoned animal shelters, exercised more, practiced yoga, got an Associate's Degree in sociology, whenever the phone rang and someone said "Could you help me ______________" this slave said yes before they had filled in the blank, gave elderly folk and children rides to and from church, did housecleaning and outdoor cleanup for sick folks in the community, designed and made costumes for church and school kids performances, offered to be "slave" to the nice lady that ran the afterschool program and the summer program at the local school, gave, donated, volunteered, accepted no offers from anyone to even entertain a committed intimate relationship, took this slave's own self out on her birthday for three year's straight...for the first time in her life...

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 2:45:55 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

To everyone who is in any way submissive:

When not literally playing or having sex with a dominant, how do you continue to be submissive?  Are you submissive in any way with family, friends, or co-workers?  (Subtly of course)  If not, why not?  What stops you?

Quite simply, I don't try to be anything other than myself. I'm no more *submissive* than the next person with other people.

For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others?

That's a difficult one..I'm not terribly submissive as a person at all, so I'm not even interested in doing this.

I am asking this because, after a lot of thought, I realised I am not exactly where I want to be with my own submission.  However, I no longer have a dominant to work with me....thus I really have no specific person to submit to.  Despite this, I have decided I want to work on my personal submission, so when another comes into my life, I will have grown and be more aware of myself.  I don't really know where to go from there though.

I am not saying I will "submit" in the cliche sense to everyone in my life...rather, I want to bring out the sweet, helpful and loving aspects of submission, and begin to put the willl and needs of others above my own.  How can I go about this though? (Again, being subtle)  I am looking to become a more helpful and outgoing person in order to make me a better submissive.

I haven't much desire to put the will and needs of other people before my own, .......ALONGSIDE my own , yes.

Any thoughts?  What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period or time without your dom? 

I don't quite understand this question.........If I didn't have my Master .....I wouldn't be submissive nor would I particularly want to be.

My problem is that the submission is inside me...in all aspects, but it is extremely difficult for me to bring that out in my day to day life...and that was one of the problems my dom and I had.  How can I work on this?


Do you need to bring it out with other people? Do you mean you had a problem being submissive to your dom?

Being a helpful, sweet , nice person isn't really about being submissive...doms can be all those things too.....those are *nice human traits*.

Regards, agirl


(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 3:02:15 PM   
Littlepita


Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline 		I am a submissive. I'm sure it comes out in many ways. I' m also quite capable of being dominate in situations where I have to be, such as work and parenting. Basically I'm only submissive to my Dom and I don't worry about it with anyone else.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 4:19:06 PM   
tendergirl


Posts: 103
Joined: 11/25/2005
Status: offline 		I am submissive to my Dominant, I am not submissive in life.

love from tendergirl

(in reply to Littlepita)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 4:39:31 PM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I am working on how to say "no" and take care of myself. The Dom/mes who are friends of mine worry about me because I have such a hard time saying no. I have one Dom friend who never thought he'd be trying to help a submissive learn how to say no!! LOL

I am also working at being less self-deprecating. I have come to realize that the Doms that I am interested in are not going to be interested in me if I have a negative view of myself so I'm working on using positives about myself. It's very difficult.

Whether or not I find the One, I know my life will be better as I learn these life-skills. And if I do find him, he'll probably be much happier with who I am once I know them too.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 4:51:28 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetEscravo

To everyone who is in any way submissive:

When not literally playing or having sex with a dominant, how do you continue to be submissive?  Are you submissive in any way with family, friends, or co-workers?  (Subtly of course)  If not, why not?  What stops you? 


For me being submissive to my pair is effortless it is not something i do it is who i am.

Notice i said to my pair, i am not in any fashion submissive to anyone else, ever. I am probably the most dominant force in my immediate family and as for my friends, well they know better. Often at a race or event after dealing with me all day one of my riding buddies would catch me kneeling next to my Master's chair and stop to remark “I just don't get it. How do you make her do that?"

quote:

For those who carry their submission outside the bedroom, how do you do it?  Is it in the way you treat others?


I am submissive to my pair 24/7, again it is what i am, i am their slave. There are so many ways to carry it out of the bedroom, tend to their needs, do the little things that they like, keep their glass filled, their favorite candy in a jar by them, bring their slippers, the list is endless. Basically it boils down to seeing to it that your owners are happy.

quote:

Any thoughts?  What do you do to "keep yourself submissive"  throughout a lonely period or time without your dom?


I am, for lack of a better word, naturally submissive though exclusively for the one/ones whose collar i wear. I wish i could tell you how to "keep" yourself this way, but for me it is a real reaction to a specific person. When i was without an owner i looked but none of them struck the right chord with me. When i met my current owners i knew immediately i would be their slave.



_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 5:37:13 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Hello Sweet Escravo,

You are getting a lot of great posts here so I will keep it short.

I have always maintained that submissive is not something I do, it is something I am.. It is an organic component in the make up of who I am as a person.

I think if you try to manhandle it and turn yourself into some ideal that does not fit you, you run the risk of really damaging yourself. 

Be who you are.  Don't get caught up in the labels.   Work on being a better human being, not a better submissive. Being a 'better submissive' , in my mind, requires some guidance from your Dom, as you will want to be better for him specifically, in your service, and what is better to one man may not be to another.

It would seem to me that if there are parts of your personality you want to work on, you want to work on being a better person, period. Improving yourself is always a good idea.  It sounds like you have a list already of traits you wish to cull within yourself.. sweet, helpful, loving, etc.

It took me a long while to change into a person I like better...and in almost every instance of change, it came down to me not judging others, showing compassion and by genuinely seeking to bring joy before anything else, if at all possible, as it usually requires the same amount of energy as being negative ( and sometimes I think we delude ourselves into thinking we are just being witty and urbane and sarcastic and hipster-chic cynical). Find the better you, and if you are submissive, that will naturally improve right along with everything else.

Good luck.

< Message edited by puella -- 5/19/2006 5:58:09 PM >

(in reply to SweetEscravo)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 5:39:42 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Wow Puella, that is exactly the response I wish I would have/could have made (and with less words too)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to puella)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 5:59:01 PM   
puella


Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks, juliaoceania... I have often agreed with you as well... (mutual adoration society??)  hehe

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 6:04:48 PM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		I'm submissive in nature but at work I have a management possition, I ind with my clients, if I show them my submissive nature they push me around quite a bit, with co-workers it's quite different, my submissive side helps me to see they're view pints quite often and I find that I can get them to do what needs to be done with gentle submissive ways verses doninate ways.

However, I am finding that I am feeling a need to guard my sibmissivness more and more, there is a deep part of me that feels a bit of anger if to much sumbissivness is offered to anyone other then my Master.  So I have to ballance the levels of submission I offer to those around me to a mininal because other wise I almost feel as though it's a betrayal to Him if I share it with others, i KNOW this isnt the case and that it's only in my head...but it's still something I'm struggling with

~dancer

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: A serious question for everyone here - 5/19/2006 6:26:13 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		What ever you are, man, woman, transexual, Top, bottom? It should always come natural.
You should not have to be in a sexual situation or a scene to feel it. You should feel it 24/7 because we are who we are.
You, for example, should feel submissive the moment you open your eyes and not need your Master or your diary to remind you of such. Just look in the mirror...what you see is what you are!

Kevin looks in the mirror in disgust...I'm a damn middle aged white man...e-ghads!

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to desertdancer)
Profile   Post #: 20
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