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Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 4:15:26 PM   
climax2


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What's the best way to find a dom/master if you are new? 
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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 4:34:27 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
talk to them, get to know them as a person, go out on a date, see if you connect, as people and continue to go out on dates and if you both get along....voila! It's magic!



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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 4:36:09 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
Go to local munches, do some research, find a mentor so you can be slowly eased into things.

Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone. Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant) will not *make* you please and obey.

Do I wish to inspire that? Yes.

Do I wish as a sub to have my obedience and submission inspired? Yes !!

Learn the difference.




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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 4:37:24 PM   
Fightdirecto


Posts: 1101
Joined: 8/3/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: climax2

What's the best way to find a dom/master if you are new? 


There is no good answer (it's the same for a new Dom or Domme as well trying to find their first submissive or slave.)

Go slow, first of all. Choose in haste, repent at leisure. Talk and exchange ideas of what you are looking for and try to find out what he/she is looking for. If he/she is worth getting serious about, he/she won't rush you into anything.

Compatability is key. For example: You have fantasies of being tied up and whipped until the blood flows, but he/she isn't a sadist and the thought of whipping someone until the blood flows sickens them. Best not enter into a serious relationship with them - you'll both end up disappointed.

Avoid the "twue" submissive/"twue" Dominant stereotype, as in "If you don't get enjoyment from //fill in the blank//, you're not a true submissive/slave/Dominant". Don't agree to anything just because someone else tells you "you're not a real submissive unless you do this".

As I consider myself a teacher first and foremost, the attached picture says what I consider the best possible Dominant for a new submissive to look for:




Attachment (1)

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"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.””
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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 5:05:01 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone.
Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant)
will not *make* you please and obey.


If only this could be posted in bright red flashing neon. Very well said!

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 5:21:47 PM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone. Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant) will not *make* you please and obey.



This. If I wanted to constantly fight for control I'd buy a pit bull.


_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 6:26:51 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline
You have a long list of activities that are hard limits. Hard limits are those activities that for whatever reason are off limits to EVER being tried. I have a feeling those items might be soft limits for you, activities you are not sure you wish to do, however, with the right person you would be willing to give it a try. If they are soft limits you might take them off your hard limits list.

So, read a lot. Learn the terminology. Even then, a slave to one person is a submissive to the next. When you do find that person you think would be a perfect match make sure that your definition of a term is the same as the other's definition. That would save a lot of future grief.

One last tip.  There is no rule book.  There is not a list of things a Master or Dominant is supposed to do.  So many come here after being collared for a couple months wondering why their owner does A or B, when A and B were never discussed before the collaring.  Many just assume that A and B were never done.  The only rules for your future relationship are the ones you both agree to follow. 


< Message edited by peppermint -- 8/8/2011 6:32:18 PM >

(in reply to climax2)
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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 7:43:37 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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quote:

If only this could be posted in bright red flashing neon.
Your wish is my command, oh delightfully dirty one.




(modedit to remove huge flashing neon sign - Mod21)

< Message edited by ModTwentyOne -- 8/9/2011 8:42:08 AM >


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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 7:48:18 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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That was fairly easy! Thank you!

Hmmm...


**fixes hair, slides on some lip gloss and adjusts skirt accordingly**



If only I had 2 scoops of my favorite ice cream and a huge spoon to eat it with.

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When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/8/2011 7:53:41 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
Status: offline
Best advice is from the below two posters...

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
talk to them, get to know them as a person, go out on a date, see if you connect, as people and continue to go out on dates and if you both get along....voila! It's magic!




quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone. Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant) will not *make* you please and obey.







_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 5:44:05 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone. Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant) will not *make* you please and obey.



This. If I wanted to constantly fight for control I'd buy a pit bull.



Another take on this...M did, in fact, take me on and tame me.

It doesn't mean that he constantly has to fight for control at all. Bringing me under his control wasn't some long drawn out battle because, even though I still remain a rather wild and free spirit, it was what I asked for. I worked WITH him to tame me.

There's often a negative assumption surrounding people that know they will need to be fairly firmly dealt with to bend to someone else's will, at least initially. It doesn't always mean that they wish to fight the whole time to be in control themselves.

M does have to tighten his grip on the reins now and then, he will likely always have to do that but the rest of the time he has someone that complies willingly with passion and devotion and really does find a deep pleasure in doing so most of the time.

I chose to live this way despite not being submissive and I have MOMENTS when I want to run wild, free and do what *I* want, when I want and how I want. He doesn't stifle me, he lets it run it's course knowing that I'll soon enough be back, spent, trembling and desperate for home again.

We are not all cut from the same cloth and there are many routes to living as owned.

ETA.....for some doms, it's worth the odd hassle and it really isn't *too much trouble*.

agirl



< Message edited by agirl -- 8/9/2011 5:48:18 AM >


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See how easy it can be?

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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 5:55:04 AM   
Buzzzz


Posts: 839
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline
Go to Dom Depot. They are having a sale right now .

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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 6:26:59 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone. Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant) will not *make* you please and obey.



This. If I wanted to constantly fight for control I'd buy a pit bull.



Another take on this...M did, in fact, take me on and tame me.

It doesn't mean that he constantly has to fight for control at all. Bringing me under his control wasn't some long drawn out battle because, even though I still remain a rather wild and free spirit, it was what I asked for. I worked WITH him to tame me.

There's often a negative assumption surrounding people that know they will need to be fairly firmly dealt with to bend to someone else's will, at least initially. It doesn't always mean that they wish to fight the whole time to be in control themselves.

M does have to tighten his grip on the reins now and then, he will likely always have to do that but the rest of the time he has someone that complies willingly with passion and devotion and really does find a deep pleasure in doing so most of the time.

I chose to live this way despite not being submissive and I have MOMENTS when I want to run wild, free and do what *I* want, when I want and how I want. He doesn't stifle me, he lets it run it's course knowing that I'll soon enough be back, spent, trembling and desperate for home again.

We are not all cut from the same cloth and there are many routes to living as owned.

ETA.....for some doms, it's worth the odd hassle and it really isn't *too much trouble*.

agirl




I love to be "made" to obey in certain circumstances (primarily sexual). The sections highlighted in red could equally apply to me. However, I don't consider I was "tamed" since I willing collude with that "taming." Collusion does automatically assume consent, and thus to a certain extent at least, obedience.

I have often read what you write about your dynamic, and have to admit I don't at all understand the following statement:

"I chose to live this way despite not being submissive"

In my mind, if you chose to submit (which you clearly do), you're submissive. Whether you call yourself submissive is secondary to the fact that it's what you(by your own admission) choose to do.

I'd love for you to explain exactly how choosing to submit makes you not submissive.


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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 7:45:06 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: Epytropos

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Your profile is all about tame me tame me tame me. Umm...no. I have no desire to tame someone. Understand that a sub loves to please and obey or they should move on. I (or any other dominant) will not *make* you please and obey.



This. If I wanted to constantly fight for control I'd buy a pit bull.



Another take on this...M did, in fact, take me on and tame me.

It doesn't mean that he constantly has to fight for control at all. Bringing me under his control wasn't some long drawn out battle because, even though I still remain a rather wild and free spirit, it was what I asked for. I worked WITH him to tame me.

There's often a negative assumption surrounding people that know they will need to be fairly firmly dealt with to bend to someone else's will, at least initially. It doesn't always mean that they wish to fight the whole time to be in control themselves.

M does have to tighten his grip on the reins now and then, he will likely always have to do that but the rest of the time he has someone that complies willingly with passion and devotion and really does find a deep pleasure in doing so most of the time.

I chose to live this way despite not being submissive and I have MOMENTS when I want to run wild, free and do what *I* want, when I want and how I want. He doesn't stifle me, he lets it run it's course knowing that I'll soon enough be back, spent, trembling and desperate for home again.

We are not all cut from the same cloth and there are many routes to living as owned.

ETA.....for some doms, it's worth the odd hassle and it really isn't *too much trouble*.

agirl




I love to be "made" to obey in certain circumstances (primarily sexual). The sections highlighted in red could equally apply to me. However, I don't consider I was "tamed" since I willing collude with that "taming." Collusion does automatically assume consent, and thus to a certain extent at least, obedience.

I have often read what you write about your dynamic, and have to admit I don't at all understand the following statement:

"I chose to live this way despite not being submissive"

In my mind, if you chose to submit (which you clearly do), you're submissive. Whether you call yourself submissive is secondary to the fact that it's what you(by your own admission) choose to do.

I'd love for you to explain exactly how choosing to submit makes you not submissive.



I choose to be owned. That doesn't mean I am submissive. I am not. I have an owner of many years that knows that he owns someone that doesn't have a submissive personality but has the capacity to be owned.

Having the capacity to submit doesn't mean that you have a submissive personality. I don't bend my will to please M or to make him happy, I do it because it is something that I agreed to and it benefits me.

You may not consider that you were tamed but I most certainly was. Even though I knew this would be extremely good for me, I also knew with utmost certainty that I wouldn't find it easy and that a period of *adjustment* would take place. In fact it still takes place.

I'm afraid that the fact that I CAN submit really doesn't mean that I am *submissive*.

I want M's authority and agreed to it years ago. That doesn't mean that I find it comfortable each and every moment, nor does it mean that my own nature doesn't struggle with it.

I'd rather live with it than without it.

And an easy analogy is that even dominant people *submit* when it's judicious to do so. It doesn't make them *submissive*.

agirl








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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 10:18:52 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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agirl I love reading about your relationship. I know several women on Fet who live as property but who are not at all submissive in nature. At first it kind of twisted my mind to understand that concept, but the more I've spoken to them the more I get it. It has been a pleasure and enlightening to discover, and also a bit liberating in understanding that it's ok to be myself and push back from time to time.

I do have a submissive demeanor with him overall, but at times I can and do resist, only to ultimately comply when push comes to shove. He accepts this and doesn't find it to be a hassle. I do know of others, however, who are owned property yet not submissive at all. For some, the "power struggle" is something they BOTH enjoy. For others, the corral they find themselves in gives them the structure and reassurance they want and need, and their owners are quite happy with the arrangement.

I love that you can come out here and freely express how it is for you, even when it goes against the general tide, so to speak.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 10:36:19 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl


ETA.....for some doms, it's worth the odd hassle and it really isn't *too much trouble*.

agirl





I agreed with your whole post. I don't live to please or obey. First of all, him being pleased is his own damn business, not my job. If he is not pleased with something that *he* tells me to do then he should have told me to do something in a different way or whatever. The obey bit I do because I want to be in an M/s relationship with him. If I don't obey, I don't get to do that plain and simple. He doesn't think I'm too much truble at all.. just a bitatruble which is exactly what he wants so that worked out pretty well for us. Ups and downs to be sure, but all in all, I don't want to trade places with anyone and I'm pretty sure he doesn't either. We are compatible with each other and for the OP, that's really all that matters. Find someone with whom you are compatible on *most* levels and then work out the kinks or, you know, add to them.. whatever it takes.

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 12:12:54 PM   
Awareness


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  Use the search function.

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RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/9/2011 4:10:38 PM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline
If you say so. If your master is up for that and that makes the two of you happy, more power to you, but personally I have enough struggle in my life without inviting it into my love life. I'm not saying there can never be struggle, because that's a natural part of things, but certainly to the degree that you've described it wouldn't be something I'd tolerate on a long-term basis. Maybe for a few violent hate-sex type scenes, just to have the rush of 'taming' someone no one else could, but nothing beyond that.

Like I say, if it makes the two of you happy more power to you. Just not my scene.


_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/10/2011 4:32:52 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

I choose to be owned. That doesn't mean I am submissive. I am not. I have an owner of many years that knows that he owns someone that doesn't have a submissive personality but has the capacity to be owned.

Having the capacity to submit doesn't mean that you have a submissive personality. I don't bend my will to please M or to make him happy, I do it because it is something that I agreed to and it benefits me.

You may not consider that you were tamed but I most certainly was. Even though I knew this would be extremely good for me, I also knew with utmost certainty that I wouldn't find it easy and that a period of *adjustment* would take place. In fact it still takes place.

I'm afraid that the fact that I CAN submit really doesn't mean that I am *submissive*.

I want M's authority and agreed to it years ago. That doesn't mean that I find it comfortable each and every moment, nor does it mean that my own nature doesn't struggle with it.

I'd rather live with it than without it.

And an easy analogy is that even dominant people *submit* when it's judicious to do so. It doesn't make them *submissive*.

agirl


Thank you for the further explanation. I still can't say I get it (not that I have to).

I understand you submit b/c on some level you feel it's "judicious," but since you have consented to that, when you didn't have to, I guess I still see an element of submission there. I would love to have a real chance to talk this through over pot of tea or a bottle of wine.

BitaTruble: Thank you for your contribution to this discussion. I get that in your dynamic, it's all about the specific person you are with.

Clearly, I am looking at others' dynamics and comparing them to my own. Despite having a rather dominant personality myself, I submit. I obey. I wish to be found pleasing. It's only within the context of our relationship, but it's there.

One reason why I find this discussion so fascinating is b/c it is exploring what is at the core of submission. Is it obedience? Or is it a desire to be pleasing?




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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Selecting a DOM/Master - 8/10/2011 6:34:12 AM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

One reason why I find this discussion so fascinating is b/c it is exploring what is at the core of submission. Is it obedience? Or is it a desire to be pleasing?



For me, the short answer would be the synchronicity that occurs brings about the most peaceful feelings inside. Obedience and a desire to be pleasing (to him) are part of that, but not the whole.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 20
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