An off-putting time. (Full Version)

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fredllfixit -> An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 5:14:33 AM)

Over and over one reads the complaint "why are there so many fakes on this website"? It even appears in profiles.

I don't think the situation is quite what it seems, not so much a matter of fakes, as people being careful.

Yes there ARE fakes, but I think they are perhaps self-deluded -- as an example, that typical one of "wanting to lead from the bottom". Their profiles contain the word "must" far too many times to be appropriate for a submissive.

Recently I've been 'scared off' by people on here who seem to think I'm a handy target for their abuse if I don't seem to fit in with their pre-conceived ideas of what I SHOULD be. I am what I am, and that needs no excuses -- same as anyone. I would no more dream of meeting these people and having them in my home than I would entertain anyone I thought was a bit "nutty".

A bit of introspection and a realignment of attitudes wouldn't come amiss.

Fredllfixit.
(Can't fix everything though).




DesFIP -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 5:27:50 AM)

So in your opinion a sub isn't allowed to find a relationship that he or she will enjoy and find satisfying? There's a difference between suffering pain during play and having a relationship which is nothing but unhappy. Any self aware person knows what they must have and what they must not have.

Be grateful that you've encountered people who know themselves well enough to know immediately that you are not compatible with them. By turning you down at once, you have more time to look for someone who does like you just as you are.

I haven't read your profile and thus cannot offer suggestions for its improvement. I'm sure there are many that could be made though, judging by your forum posts.



JoVan1950 -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 5:29:26 AM)

there are a lot of people here who are NOT what they think they are, just what they pretend to be at the moment....to many life is a fantasy
instead of a journey.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 5:36:39 AM)

all of the abbreviations for words that you should probably just type out make your profile difficult to read. =p maybe that's what's making people think you're fake? it comes off reading like something that a machine might spit out.

"fake" has been misused to mean "not a good fit for me;" rather than graciously admit that, most people try to smear the other person by saying "XYZ is a fake!"
there are just people with different motivations. some people like the idea of being submissive but only in a very specific, particular fantasy, while other people want to give away all their property, never use personal pronouns, forget they had names, be branded and kept far away from anyone they ever knew. and all points in between! nobody's "better" or "more real" than anyone else, except to the person they fit with.

you want to talk about an off-putting time? whining about fakes is pretty off-putting to most people.




Rochsub2009 -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 5:49:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fredllfixit

Over and over one reads the complaint "why are there so many fakes on this website"? It even appears in profiles....I don't think the situation is quite what it seems, not so much a matter of fakes, as people being careful.......Yes there ARE fakes, but I think they are perhaps self-deluded -- as an example, that typical one of "wanting to lead from the bottom". Their profiles contain the word "must" far too many times to be appropriate for a submissive.



I guess you and I have very different definitions of the word "fake".  To me, someone who wants to top from the bottom isn't necessarily "fake".  They are simply too focused on their own fantasy, and they haven't submitted to the will of another.

To me, a "fake" is someone who is far from what their profile presents them as.  For example, the Nigerian scammers who create profiles on here with no other intention than to separate you from your money, are fakes.  The guys who pretend to be women so they can collect naked pictures of people are fakes.

But to me, people who merely have a different definition of what "submission" or "domination" are don't count as fakes in my book.  They're simply people who don't see things the same way that I do.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 7:36:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fredllfixit

Their profiles contain the word "must" far too many times to be appropriate for a submissive.


quote:


I am what I am, and that needs no excuses -- same as anyone.


That's either irony or hypocrisy (in the technical rather than colloquial sense).

I'm going with hypocrisy.



OsideGirl -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 7:46:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: fredllfixit
Their profiles contain the word "must" far too many times to be appropriate for a submissive.

So, in your view a submissive shouldn't have standards and core values.

And why do you think you get to decide what's appropriate? If you feel that strongly about it, go find someone that has no "musts".

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep


"fake" has been misused to mean "not a good fit for me;" rather than graciously admit that, most people try to smear the other person by saying "XYZ is a fake!"
I've been called fake because I refuse to deal with people that don't get that I'm just here for the forums. Ironically, the don't get that if I were fake, I'd being trying to suck them in, not rebuffing them repeatedly.



littlewonder -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:01:06 AM)

so a sub should just keep their profile empty, sit back and wait for a Dom, any Dom to just come along and grab them and say "I choose you" while he grabs her by the hair and drags them off to their cave.

Yeah ok

But yet you complain about someone not being the right one for you because you wouldn't ever think about allowing them in your home.

Huh......interesting about those little "must"s in life.





stoni23 -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:21:03 AM)

He has some points. He's just a little misguided. Subs should be more willing to do things that were previously "must nots" and should be willing to give up some things that were "must haves".
How else will someone get pushed to their limits if they will not go beyond their preset limitations?

However, his overall message is a little too concrete. Let's go to the extreme in an example.
I have my profile blank, and just say no limitations. Well, what if a Dom comes by and says ok, you will eat dog poo every day until I say no longer. I'm just supposed to say ok sure.

I don't think so : ).

Which brings me to my next point. If you can't instantly notice a fake when you see them, then you clearly need fixing on your own. They are very obvious. The ones that are good enough to make it past the first impression, just get on the phone with them. If they refuse to get on the phone, then they are probably fake. If you get to the point where they're on the phone (and some men can pretend to sound like a woman), then wait for them to start asking for money. If they don't ask for money then they're probably real despite the hot girl on the profile with bad grammar lol.



littlewonder -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:25:15 AM)

quote:

He has some points. He's just a little misguided. Subs should be more willing to do things that were previously "must nots" and should be willing to give up some things that were "must haves".
How else will someone get pushed to their limits if they will not go beyond their preset limitations?


Not everyone wants their limits pushed. That's why they're limits.

When I met Master I was single for over 8 years. I waited until I met a man whose limits matched my own, who I got along with and who I found was compatible with myself.

If I wanted my limits pushed I could have just gone off with any guy who came along.




VaguelyCurious -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:26:24 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stoni23

He has some points. He's just a little misguided. Subs should be more willing to do things that were previously "must nots" and should be willing to give up some things that were "must haves".
How else will someone get pushed to their limits if they will not go beyond their preset limitations?

What on earth makes you think it's compulsory for anyone to get pushed to their limits?

Not everyone needs to push a partner to 11 in order to get the most out of their relationships. Your thinking is just as limited as the OP's.

ETA: heh. Littlewonder beat me to it. [8D]



Lockit -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:29:48 AM)

Oh dear power that be... when will the submissive's learn? They must be willing.. they must act in certain ways... When will they recognize that they are doing it wrong?

Those poor dominant's... I mean really... with submissives like these... what is one to do? [8|]



stoni23 -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:31:27 AM)

Let me rephrase:

It's up to the person. Not all people want their limits pushed.

But, in my opinion submitting is full force. How can you really submit to someone without giving up some preconceived limitations? Is this a blanket statement for all people submissive? No. Does it describe me. Yes.

Did I say it was compulsory for all? NO

Giving up some preconceived limitations is a natural process as you grow with a partner. This could be as extreme as doing something you didn't want to previously do, or something as simple as taking a beating 15 minutes longer then you would have wanted it to go.

Chill out VaguelyCurious lol.

**Edit** Nothing on here is meant to be construed throughout the entire community. Every single person is different. Every single person will do things differently. **End Edit**



littlewonder -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:40:00 AM)

preconceived notions and limits?

Maybe for you but my limits are not preconceived or fanciful or a rushed judgment but thought out carefully to coincide with my morals and values and things that will cause me to emotionally breakdown and end the relationship.

Again, why would one want a limit pushed? I think you think that limits are those things we just say we don't like and so we just don't want to do it.

That's not a limit. Those are simply things you don't like.

Ya know it is really simple guys.

Talk

Get to know someone, talk to them, find out who they are. What are their morals and values, likes/dislikes? Who are they?

And if you like what you hear and see....guess what? He/she may be a keeper!





stoni23 -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 8:41:49 AM)

I agree with you 100%. As I said, these are not my opinions for everybody. I won't edit my original post (as everything afterward will make no sense lol) , but I did need to re-phrase it in a different one.



DesFIP -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 1:57:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stoni23

Subs should be more willing to do things that were previously "must nots" and should be willing to give up some things that were "must haves".
How else will someone get pushed to their limits if they will not go beyond their preset limitations?



How am I supposed to go beyond my limits without being harmed when my limits are there to protect my health?

I have a limit of no inverted suspension, that's to prevent a weeklong incapacitating attack of vertigo requiring nasty antibiotics to stop it. Yet you think I should automatically be willing to give it up? Think again.

My  limits are there for a reason. Instead of doing stuff that will make me dislike my partner and not being allowed to do things I love, which would also make me dislike my partner, I did something entirely different. I found someone compatible who shares the same limits I do. This helps assure happiness because we're almost always on the same page.

If you're an emotional masochist and need to suffer for your partner, that's fine. Just don't label it part of submission when it is clearly s & m.



stoni23 -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 2:00:48 PM)

come on please lol obviously it won't get pushed into non safe zones sheesh.

Limits is a loosely based term, give me a break lol. If something is hazardous to your health do you really think I'd be considering pushing that limit? lol...



LaTigresse -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 2:21:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stoni23

come on please lol obviously it won't get pushed into non safe zones sheesh.

Limits is a loosely based term, give me a break lol. If something is hazardous to your health do you really think I'd be considering pushing that limit? lol...


Do you have any idea how ridiculously stupid the above makes you appear? Just the 'lol's alone are quite telling.



VaguelyCurious -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 3:06:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: stoni23

Limits is a loosely based term

It's not, though. Don't use words if you don't know what they mean and people won't give you shit for it.

Simples.



Epytropos -> RE: An off-putting time. (8/11/2011 3:39:10 PM)

Oh look, another case of someone posting with fewer than 100 previous posts and getting a new ass as a welcome basket.

He's not saying subs shouldn't want anything, he's saying that someone who has a laundry list of things which must exist precisely as they want them isn't all that submissive. Hell, if he'd been a domme with over 500 posts complaining about the quality of men on the site someone would be simultaneously apologizing and verbally sucking him off as we speak.

As to the issue, I do think many people use 'fake' as code for 'not conforming with my expectations' which is bs. And yes, subs have a right to seek what they want just as anyone does. That being said, I (and the OP) have a right not to give it to them if I find their demands distasteful or excessive, which in many cases I do. As a rule, if a profile has more than 2-3 "musts" including any which I find sexist (IE "must be a real man  ready to put me in my place") I move on. Again, they have a right to want whatever it is they want, and they have a right to try and find it, but I have a right to find them distasteful and/or contemptible.



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