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Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 1:04:41 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

I would really appreciate all of the answers I get. I know that what I'm about to ask is strictly individual, but some of you might have had the same problem.
At the beginning(some years ago), our relationship was all about pain, no strings attached etc. Needless to say that the strings did attach, but that was fine with both of us, the problem is that lately there is no pain.
He is/was very sadistic, but there is less and less pain, it's more like ... control and love.
I am wondering if I did something wrong(if I did-I am completely unaware of it), or he is really changing as he says.
Before he couldn't get enough of my pain, now it's like I almost have to beg him to hurt me, as if he hurts too when I do.
I don't mind not being hurt, it's all about his pleasure-this is where I get mine, I am just afraid that I am not giving him what he needs, or that this is a gentle way for him to say that I am no longer needed in his life.

I could really use some advice
Thank you

Post #: 1

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 1:32:29 PM

HardtotheKore

Posts: 78
Joined: 7/21/2011
Status: offline

Kindly consider this as a series of opinions based on what has been provided. You should have a heart to heart and ask about the change in behavior. If you think that you’ll get a straight answer the first time, you’re certainly kidding your self. Communication at this point is so critical.

Maybe He loves you too much to cause more than the usual pain and in beginning some D’s need to “get their ya yas out and hard” but back off. Don’t look at this as boredom, more so as a “change in how you are portrayed in His eyes”. Still, you need to have more than one chat about how you are now viewed.

Relationships and the dynamics can evolve. Did you ever think that he may be thinking that there’s a fear of too much pain? Try to look at this from His point of view and ask questions. He may want YOU without the pain experienced in the past. He may see your pain as an addiction on your part that is NOT connected to Him. Again, talk about this sooner than later.

Begin by thinking more positive and start the communication process. Plead your case as a submissive that you do “need” more than is being experienced at the moment. Add that it is HE that fills all of your emotional and physical needs. You likely are offering to fulfill His needs but there maybe an emotional state that is changing in Him that is not easily expressed.
Regards

< Message edited by HardtotheKore -- 8/15/2011 1:33:18 PM >

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 2

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 1:39:06 PM

ricken

Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire

.....He is/was very sadistic, but there is less and less pain, it's more like ... control and love.
I am wondering if I did something wrong(if I did-I am completely unaware of it), or he is really changing as he says....

I think maybe you answered your own question.
If he hasn't lied to you in the past, why would he start now? Is he having play time with someone else, and hurting them? Are you able to take more than He feels comfortable giving out?

Talk to him and express yourself.

And sometimes relationships and peoples moods go through phases, maybe just now he isn't into it. And maybe tommorrow He will wake up and feel like doing whatever evil thing comes to mind.

Hope that helps

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 3

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:00:04 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HardtotheKore

Kindly consider this as a series of opinions based on what has been provided. You should have a heart to heart and ask about the change in behavior. If you think that you’ll get a straight answer the first time, you’re certainly kidding your self. Communication at this point is so critical.

Maybe He loves you too much to cause more than the usual pain and in beginning some D’s need to “get their ya yas out and hard” but back off. Don’t look at this as boredom, more so as a “change in how you are portrayed in His eyes”. Still, you need to have more than one chat about how you are now viewed.

Relationships and the dynamics can evolve. Did you ever think that he may be thinking that there’s a fear of too much pain? Try to look at this from His point of view and ask questions. He may want YOU without the pain experienced in the past. He may see your pain as an addiction on your part that is NOT connected to Him. Again, talk about this sooner than later.

Begin by thinking more positive and start the communication process. Plead your case as a submissive that you do “need” more than is being experienced at the moment. Add that it is HE that fills all of your emotional and physical needs. You likely are offering to fulfill His needs but there maybe an emotional state that is changing in Him that is not easily expressed.
Regards

I've been asking and asking for more than 8 months now. He always says "Baby, I'm taking what I need".
As far as I know he doesn't play with others, I even tried hurting myself for him, but it looked like it's hurting him.
He is still very much Dominant, very much in control-just no pain.
Once I was playing with a knife and he said "That shouldn't be near your skin, not your skin"
I feel so lost.

(in reply to HardtotheKore)

Post #: 4

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:02:19 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ricken

quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire

.....He is/was very sadistic, but there is less and less pain, it's more like ... control and love.
I am wondering if I did something wrong(if I did-I am completely unaware of it), or he is really changing as he says....

I think maybe you answered your own question.
If he hasn't lied to you in the past, why would he start now? Is he having play time with someone else, and hurting them? Are you able to take more than He feels comfortable giving out?

Talk to him and express yourself.

And sometimes relationships and peoples moods go through phases, maybe just now he isn't into it. And maybe tommorrow He will wake up and feel like doing whatever evil thing comes to mind.

Hope that helps

He never lied to me before, as I said-he is not playing with anyone else. I am able to take a lot, but I don't think he ever had a problem with that.
But this did start as a strictly pain relationship, am I failing him?

(in reply to ricken)

Post #: 5

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:03:21 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

Thank you Gentlemen for you answers.

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 6

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:17:16 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Ya know at the beginning of our relationship there was a lot of pain, a lot of playing and all that but the longer we've been together the less there is. Neither one of us has a problem with it though because we both realize that relationships like life ebb and flow. Sometimes it's just not what either or one of us wants or needs right now. Sometimes life is too busy, sometimes we just find other things to do.

If he says that he is getting what he wants and needs right now then trust that he's telling you the truth. Why doubt him if you have no reason to? Is there some reason you doubt his word?

Stop worrying so much about it and just be happy in your relationship. Enjoy each other.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 7

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:27:46 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ya know at the beginning of our relationship there was a lot of pain, a lot of playing and all that but the longer we've been together the less there is. Neither one of us has a problem with it though because we both realize that relationships like life ebb and flow. Sometimes it's just not what either or one of us wants or needs right now. Sometimes life is too busy, sometimes we just find other things to do.

If he says that he is getting what he wants and needs right now then trust that he's telling you the truth. Why doubt him if you have no reason to? Is there some reason you doubt his word?

Stop worrying so much about it and just be happy in your relationship. Enjoy each other.

The thing is... ours was all about pain, the first years it was nothing but pain, I fear that he thinks I can't take it anymore, that I am going to cross my own limits-it is one of those relationships when people care too much for each other and are doing their best not to hurt the other one, but haven't we lost our true selves in this?
I think he is stepping back because of me, or he is just tired of me.
I realize how stupid I sound, but I don't want to lose what I have, and I feel as if I am not giving what I should be.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 8

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:30:31 PM

HardtotheKore

Posts: 78
Joined: 7/21/2011
Status: offline

"I even tried hurting myself for him"

Uhmmm and how far do you plan to go with this?

"Once I was playing with a knife and he said "That shouldn't be near your skin, not your skin""

That comment should have been the "in" to how He was thinking. Next time, reflect that type of comment back like a mirror similar to a question but inquiring to it's meaning. Similar to a debriefing session.
8 months can be a long time when looking for an answer. Take some advice from above and count your lucky stars, you could have been involved in something mush more sinister.

< Message edited by HardtotheKore -- 8/15/2011 2:31:38 PM >

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 9

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:35:20 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It sounds like you want the pain more than he does. Maybe he was giving you pain because that's what you wanted, not what he wanted? Maybe he simply feels more comfortable with you now?

Talk to him. Tell him what you are telling us. If he doesn't want to give you pain and you want pain then you have to ask which is more important...the pain or your relationship.If you can do without the pain and he says he's happy then let it go and enjoy the relationship and each other.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to HardtotheKore)

Post #: 10

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:44:14 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Unfortunately some men do have difficulty hurting women they love, the madonna/whore thing. He may be one.
If so, he needs to talk to you honestly. And if your need for pain is such that a relationship without it will not satisfy your needs, you need to tell him this.

If you're fine without the pain, there's no problem unless he does need to exercise his sadism and by considering you off limits for this, he'll be driven to play with others. Talk to him about this fear. But if you don't talk it out, that's a big problem.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:44:47 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

This is why he came to me, this is why he liked me in the first place, he wanted to give pain and I was ready to take it.
It is very hard for me to believe that someone who was all about pain, severe pain turned into someone who doesn't have the need to hurt me anymore.
I don't like pain, I tolerate it and find my pleasure in his pleasure, but I don't think I'm giving him his pleasure anymore.
I have talked to him many times, I have told him the exact things I am telling you-I always get the same answer-I am taking what I need.
Maybe I should stop fretting after all and accept that this is the truth, if he doesn't want to tell me, there's nothing I can do, I can just hope that he is still happy with me.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 2:58:36 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Like I said my relationship with Master started out as pain. He's a sadist. But these days there's very little. That's not to say it never happens. Our relationship has simply taken different turns now. No big deal really.

He said there's nothing wrong. Accept it or realize there's something wrong with you and ask yourself why you keep thinking something's wrong.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 13

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 3:40:10 PM

ricken

Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
Status: offline

Consider what has been said here....
He says he is taking what he needs, don't push it, don't make up problems in your mind, accept what is going on now. Or you will creat problems.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 14

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 4:33:25 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

Yes, I will most likely give up and take his word for it, hoping he's not holding back because of me.
Thank you everyone for your responses.

(in reply to ricken)

Post #: 15

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 5:45:43 PM

frazzle

Posts: 1212
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

So she shouldnt have needs/wants!!!!!

(in reply to ricken)

Post #: 16

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 5:56:27 PM

DecadentDesire

Posts: 234
Joined: 6/18/2011
Status: offline

Not only are you contradicting yourself, but you seem consumed with worry over this issue. You are reading way way too much into this and making a huge leap to the assumption that his reasoning for not wanting to engage in S/M is all about "you". If it really bothers you this much, then instead of asking a bunch of Internet folk to make pot-shot guesses at the reasoning of a man we have never met, sit down and talk to him, openly and honestly, about how all of this is making you feel.

Maybe, you already have. Based on the wording of your posts, it seems he has provided some validation that the lack of S/M isn't do to some deficiency in yourself. If so and you are still fretting over it then, from what I see...

You don't believe him or don't trust his word which means you have bigger issues than a lack of S/M
You are far too insecure in your own self-worth to be able to trust when he says it's not about you.
You are lying to yourself when you say "The pain is all about him" and S/M, is, in fact, something you need to be happy and content in a relationship (Which is perfectly okay as long as you call a spade, a spade)

If it's not one of these things, then why make such a big deal about it, particularly when you are only concerned with his pleasure?

< Message edited by DecadentDesire -- 8/15/2011 5:57:46 PM >

_____________________________

I was once a Rabbit, driven Mad, by the Decadence of his Desires...

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 17

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 6:08:18 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Unfortunately some men do have difficulty hurting women they love

Master and I went through this. He told me it's easy to hurt someone that you don't love, but once he got to me his upbringing, respect and love went to battle against his sadism. It took awhile but we worked through it and eventually he came back to being able to play hard with me.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 7:31:06 PM

MindOnFire

Posts: 41
Joined: 1/22/2010
Status: offline

I am consumed, I am terrified, I am lost.
This will probably be the 5th time I will say this-I did talk to him - more than once.
I'd rather ask the internet folks than my mother, since all of my friends are 5000 miles away and sound asleep when I'm awake.
I believe that he is willing to "spare" me things.
I am far from insecure when it comes to my self-worth.
I can live with or without pain but I can't live knowing I'm not making him happy.

I am concerned because I've been through this before, in a previous relationship. He stopped taking what he needs for my own sake and it all went to hell.
I just need to be sure that this is not the case, and he is really staying away from what he originally liked just because he doesn't need it.

ETA: As I mentioned above-I will just leave it all there, and accept it as it is.

< Message edited by MindOnFire -- 8/15/2011 7:34:08 PM >

(in reply to DecadentDesire)

Post #: 19

RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/15/2011 10:54:43 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire

I would really appreciate all of the answers I get. I know that what I'm about to ask is strictly individual, but some of you might have had the same problem.
At the beginning(some years ago), our relationship was all about pain, no strings attached etc. Needless to say that the strings did attach, but that was fine with both of us, the problem is that lately there is no pain.
He is/was very sadistic, but there is less and less pain, it's more like ... control and love.
I am wondering if I did something wrong(if I did-I am completely unaware of it), or he is really changing as he says.
Before he couldn't get enough of my pain, now it's like I almost have to beg him to hurt me, as if he hurts too when I do.
I don't mind not being hurt, it's all about his pleasure-this is where I get mine, I am just afraid that I am not giving him what he needs, or that this is a gentle way for him to say that I am no longer needed in his life.

I could really use some advice
Thank you

Relationships ebb and flow. You need to trust him that he is getting what he wants and needs at this moment to be happy.
Take joy in that he seems to want a more in depth relationship with you than just a meet and beat.

_____________________________

(in reply to MindOnFire)

Post #: 20

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