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Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/19/2006 11:14:50 PM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline 		Call me novel...I trust you.  You don't need to prove anything to me in order for me to trust you. 
 
What is amazing is the speed in which so many can lose that trust.  Nothing can break trust quicker than insincerity - the genuiness or lack of by which they interact with others.  Reliability is also a crucial part of trust. For example, showing up at an agreed time or following through with that which has been agreed upon.
 
The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them.  So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first?  or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it? 

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/19/2006 11:20:49 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Call me novel...I trust you.  You don't need to prove anything to me in order for me to trust you
I'm a lot like you, I trust until I see a reason not to, be it from inconsistencies, or faultering in one's word.   Does this always work to my advantage?  No, but being cynical takes too much concentration and energy, that I'd rather take my chances, and if my choices land me on my ass, I dust self off and try again when my sense of humor/balance is restored.  

The other side of this coin is when I run into people who cannot trust for whatever reason (naturally cynical/self centered, or been hurt)...  I tend to have little patience for folks who need me to jump through hoops, or wait weeks/months before they can open up a little...  So I don't get along well with those folks.   M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 5/19/2006 11:24:19 PM >

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/19/2006 11:40:29 PM   
RexLongBeach


Posts: 58
Joined: 10/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes
So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first? or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it?

Well... there's trust, and there's "Trust."

I start pretty neutral, and then look for information. Profiles are a good way to start. How I get contacted, how basic interactions go is another. By keeping my expectations low, I'm rarely disappointed, and never invested should trust prove problematic early on.

I pay a lot of attention to what's said, and how it matches up to what's done. And that is all about building trust, and credibility.

To get to "Trust" tales longer, and it goes both ways.

The cool part is when I get to "Trust," and then just stop worrying about it. It may be hard to get to Trust with a captial T, but when we get there... it's a beautiful thing.

Rex

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/19/2006 11:49:51 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes

Call me novel...I trust you.  You don't need to prove anything to me in order for me to trust you. 
 
What is amazing is the speed in which so many can lose that trust.  Nothing can break trust quicker than insincerity - the genuiness or lack of by which they interact with others.  Reliability is also a crucial part of trust. For example, showing up at an agreed time or following through with that which has been agreed upon.
 
The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them.  So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first?  or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it? 


For me, that would depend on what I'm trusting you with.  If we lived close enough to meet and made an arrangement to do so, I would certainly trust you to show up.  But, would I trust you enough to lend you ten thousand bucks on your promise to pay me back next week?  That sort of trust would have to be earned.

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/19/2006 11:55:25 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		My trust is earned and then it has to be maintained... so both.

There is a level of trust I give all human beings. I am a naturally trusting individual. That has bit me in the arse a few times, but for the most part I am still trusting. When it comes to my heart I am less trusting though.

I have learned the hard way to reserve judgment about people until they prove themselves somewhat. I ask a lot of questions of men that I may be interested in and listen sharply to everything they say. Over the course of getting to know them they either have a consistent storyline about their life, or they don't... I am listening for any inconsistencies. It is not that I am out spying on them, hiring PIs to track their life story, or questioning them about where they have been etc. I just reserve judgment until they get to the point they are repeating things they have already told me, in different settings and in different ways, they will rehash what happened in the past. Either their story is complete and consistent or it isn't.

If they pass this then i start to feel a certain amount of trust, which if my intuition serves me well will grow over time. So trust us earned and then maintained, and if it is a really good relationship it even grows!

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:03:18 AM   
amativedame


Posts: 331
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline 		For me, trust has to be earned.  In my mind everyone starts out with a certain amount of trust.  Their words and their actions determine where it goes from there.. if it stays the same, grows in volume or simply just drops to nothing.  Once I really get to the point that I really trust someone it doesn't have to be maintained.  A large blunder would obviously bring it down, but in general once someone has built it with me... it sticks.

I don't make people jump through hoops, but it does sometimes take me a while before I will put myself in a position that leaves me very vulnerable.



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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:20:41 AM   
champagnewishes


Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle
But, would I trust you enough to lend you ten thousand bucks on your promise to pay me back next week?  That sort of trust would have to be earned.

Interesting point...so i ask you, which requires a higher level of trust to be earned...someone you lend money to or someone you enter a relationship with?

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:40:11 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear champagnewishes, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Trust is earned and maintained both, as far as my mind's eye sees.
 
Trust is a fluid thing as well as maintaining it.  It applies in many ways and in many degrees. 
 
Focusing on the BDSM and D/s and or M/s factor, the trust is established by communication, understanding, agreement to those negotiations and establishing trust by executing that trust throughout that scene.  The 'foundation' for trust is laid, from which more trust is given and or received to which maintains the relationship through the course of the relationship and into higher levels of risks and or discoveries. 
 
When a relationship passes the casual and necessary trust levels, individuals forming a bond then can take to account the respect earned through trust, sharing more personal details.  How they handle each degree and or level of intimate knowledge and how they keep it discrete, then that trust is established and must maintain such discrete behavior.
It is much like a seed, to which grows and is given the opportunity to grow and expand into a tree.  Each branch that leads into different chambers of your personal life has their own trust needs/wants/demands/limits, etc. upon it.
 
Yet, an incident of which fractures "trust" in the relationship, is much like chopping the foundation of the tree at it's roots.  The trust is weakened if not broken entirely.
 
Trust is important to dominants as much as it is to submissives.  And, what is more tragic than losing trust in others; is the loss of trust in yourself as a person.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:50:04 AM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes

quote:

ORIGINAL: HarryVanWinkle
But, would I trust you enough to lend you ten thousand bucks on your promise to pay me back next week?  That sort of trust would have to be earned.

Interesting point...so i ask you, which requires a higher level of trust to be earned...someone you lend money to or someone you enter a relationship with?


Hmmm, how much money are we talking about?  But, seriously, entering a relationship would require a lot higher level of trust.  But, trusting you enough to show up for a planned meeting is a far cry from entering a relationship.  Entering a relationship, for me, is a slow process of getting to know you, and like you, and trust you.

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:53:30 AM   
dincubus


Posts: 231
Joined: 10/22/2005
From: South Dakota
Status: offline 		Personally for me, trust must be earned. And after it is gained comes the maintainance. it is a very hard thing to learn to do, as everythign is hinging on that very thin thread of trust. sometimes the simplest thing can derail a portion of that trust, or something more serious could eradicate it totally. after an eradication of the trust issue, the earning of it back is something that can take forever.
quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes

Call me novel...I trust you.  You don't need to prove anything to me in order for me to trust you. 
 
What is amazing is the speed in which so many can lose that trust.  Nothing can break trust quicker than insincerity - the genuiness or lack of by which they interact with others.  Reliability is also a crucial part of trust. For example, showing up at an agreed time or following through with that which has been agreed upon.
 
The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them.  So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first?  or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it? 

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 2:30:11 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Well, I've always given a certain amount of trust to people in general and, many times, it's bitten me in the ass, but being a masochist, it's all good:)  Seriously, tho, I tend to trust a bit too quickly and get burnt more than I should.  But the alternative, for me, is worse.  In the business I'm in, if I didn't trust, I'd be a hermit.

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 4:35:20 AM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		For me i usually know instinctively whether or not i can trust someone as a friend or as a Dom. But once it is broken, and i do not mean by little things i mean by telling me a lie (this is the ultimate trust breaker for me), i never trust that person again.

So yes i do give or withhold trust instantly but it must also be maintained.



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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 4:42:11 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		For me.............it needs to be earned. 

~smilezz~

< Message edited by smilezz -- 5/20/2006 4:52:44 AM >

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 5:03:15 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		  There is an initial level of trust that I have for people in general.  I don't automatically assume someone is out to lie, harm etc. unless they prove thats the case. 

However, that initial level of trust does not equate with being naive about people in general or being blind to what my senses and intuition tells me as I get more acquainted with them. Trust or mistrust builds according to what that person displays. 

Trust can be broken in a heartbeat.  Once gone its very hard to get back.  So to me trust has to be both earned and maintained for it to stay in place.

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 5:07:02 AM   
jamesthehumanrug


Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline 		YOU ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE THEMSELVES COMPLETELY NO JUDGEMENTS GOOD OR BAD AND ALLOW ANGER AT YOU ;DON'T DO ANYTHING, BUT, RIDE IT THRU AND ,YOU CAN "TRUST",that  THE PERSON will be the same and IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE,with you and in front of you ,BUT, YOU 'JUDGE' one way or the other, (good or bad) ,and,THEY will SHUT UP, AND, SNEAK ,AND, WAIT TO BE THEMSELVES ELSEWHERE,
SO ....
'LIVE AND LET DIE'
DID I DO THAT ONE TOO!!(ya: I DID ,THAT ONE, TOO!!!B.!!!!)
you can trust your instincts,AND THE PERSON, if : you let someone, just BE .
....so what .... they don't show;big deal,thats who they are  as a free person;
you know they dont show; and thats ok too ;you can trust they are who they are; period;so they're superficial ,so what ,when you're in bed,together;you can tell the difference, when, and ,where ,and ,with whom they are superficial ,or,
....just shut-up ,and ,have superficial delights .
you cant make someone over and then make them trust you .
call me a liar ;go ahead;see if i tell you anything anymore...
get me?
who am i now....

< Message edited by jamesthehumanrug -- 5/20/2006 5:19:42 AM >

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 5:26:29 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I tend to take people at face value, which in my opinion is a degree of trust. (trusting that the person is who and what they claim to be) The trust needed to form a relationship is greater and must develope over a bit of time.  Trust is simply maintained by remaining honest and consistant.

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 5:31:30 AM   
Blackbirdwhips


Posts: 5
Joined: 5/20/2006
Status: offline 		Trust and respect or cornerstones of the alternative lifestyle. No person must assume they can immiediately lord it over someone just because they declare themselves to be a submissive or a slave. It takes time to establish and must never ever be demanded.

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 5:55:20 AM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I am so trusting, that it casues me alot of hurt all the time, but I can't help it.  I know this is nieve(however you spell that, I never can spell that word right..lol) but I think to myself, why would they lie to me.  I'm such a dummy..lol

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 6:30:51 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Trust for me is an ongoing process. You start out with the most basic level of trust and it grows and deepens from that point. I have lived too long to blindly trust as I once did in my youth. Some may say that is cynical, I call it healthy.

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"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 6:37:39 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		A great post champagnewishes---I start with a level of trust, some basics, but then things are earned as the relationship grows.

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