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Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:06:51 PM

Newbie02151

Posts: 1
Joined: 8/16/2011
Status: offline

I need some advice. I have recently placed a Sub under consideration who was previously in a mentoring/training relationship with a Dom. She is not collared. I am a VERY low protocol, sensual, bedroom only Dom. I am not interested in 24x7 TPE arrangements or otherwise controlling my Sub's day to day decisions.

She has maintained email and chat contact with her mentor, which was not overtly objectionable. However, I have recently discovered that he tells her how much he misses her and propositioned her once or twice for continued play dates. My Sub believes that the proposals were made in jest, but I was not born yesterday and I know better. He is ostensibly an experienced dom and is fully aware that she is under consideration, yet he persists.

I find his continued overtures to be a serious breach of Protocol. And while I trust her implicitly I was taken aback that she let it continue.

Advice about how to handle the situation would be appreciated . . . and "man up, Pussy" does not count as advice.

Post #: 1

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:11:51 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

Man up.
Using the ridiculous terms as under consideration means...she's got you under consideraation too.
If you want her as your woman then solidify it. Otherwise you risk losing her to someone who's "manning up" right under your nose.

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Post #: 2

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:20:30 PM

stoni23

Posts: 178
Joined: 1/14/2010
Status: offline

I've experienced this before as the sub. From my perspective, it turned out to be somewhat of a competition. I ended up with the new Dominant anyhow as she was better for me, but I still had the option to return.

My only advice for you, if you think she's good for you, send her a collar.

_____________________________

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Post #: 3

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:22:37 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

what Aileen said.

At this point this whole "under consideration" garbage all you are is just another guy in her lineup.

Either tell her you want a monogamous serious relationship or or move over for the big boys.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 4

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:27:55 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Different take.

You say you are low protocol, not interested in controlling her decisions, or wanting D/s outside of the bedroom. It seems to Me that you are getting exactly that situation with the example that you are sharing with us. This comes across that you want to be casual in the way you have set the ground rules for the consideration period. How can you be upset if you are expecting more formality when you specifically haven't asked for it?

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to stoni23)

Post #: 5

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:30:05 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stoni23

I've experienced this before as the sub. From my perspective, it turned out to be somewhat of a competition. I ended up with the new Dominant anyhow as she was better for me, but I still had the option to return.

My only advice for you, if you think she's good for you, send her a collar.

If someone decided to collar me in order to keep me after he had me under consideration and up to that point couldn't even decide if he wanted to be in a relationship or not with me (as what the under consideration really means), I'd run so fast. That reeks of desperation.

_____________________________

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Post #: 6

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:38:55 PM

ThatsMissBitch

Posts: 50
Joined: 7/31/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Newbie02151

I need some advice. I have recently placed a Sub under consideration who was previously in a mentoring/training relationship with a Dom. She is not collared. I am a VERY low protocol, sensual, bedroom only Dom. I am not interested in 24x7 TPE arrangements or otherwise controlling my Sub's day to day decisions.

She has maintained email and chat contact with her mentor, which was not overtly objectionable. However, I have recently discovered that he tells her how much he misses her and propositioned her once or twice for continued play dates. My Sub believes that the proposals were made in jest, but I was not born yesterday and I know better. He is ostensibly an experienced dom and is fully aware that she is under consideration, yet he persists.

I find his continued overtures to be a serious breach of Protocol. And while I trust her implicitly I was taken aback that she let it continue.

Advice about how to handle the situation would be appreciated . . . and "man up, Pussy" does not count as advice.

LOL do people read what they write I's sorry but you are VERY low protocol but you are complaining this mentor's overtures to be a serious breach of Prototcol? You are not interested in 24/7 TPE or other wise controlling "your" subs day to day decissions BUT you want to control her day to day contacts?

This all stinks of immaturity and insecurity I hope the sub keeps in touch with the mentor she is gonna need him/her.

(in reply to Newbie02151)

Post #: 7

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:41:17 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: stoni23

I've experienced this before as the sub. From my perspective, it turned out to be somewhat of a competition. I ended up with the new Dominant anyhow as she was better for me, but I still had the option to return.

My only advice for you, if you think she's good for you, send her a collar.

send a collar? LOL

Sorry but if some dude sent me a collar in the mail I think I'd laugh and then throw it in the garbage.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 8

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:48:14 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I can see a whole lot of truth in much of what others have said... but come on... do we credit the mentor when he is clearly playing as many games as well as... the one he mentors that is being considered by the newbie?

There isn't anything wrong with being a bedroom dom.

Lose all the titles... have a long talk with your girl and have a talk with the mentor if need be.

Personally... I don't think much of mentors seemingly with the tactics of this one. The whole mess is just that, all the way around.

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Post #: 9

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 4:55:56 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Newbie02151

I have recently placed a Sub under consideration

This term is a joke. It's used by Doms who don't want a commitment but want the submissive to be under a commitment.

quote:

She is not collared. I am a VERY low protocol, sensual, bedroom only Dom. I am not interested in 24x7 TPE arrangements or otherwise controlling my Sub's day to day decisions.

So, little effort and kinky sex. If you're low protocol why did use the term "Under Consideration"?

quote:

She has maintained email and chat contact with her mentor, which was not overtly objectionable. However, I have recently discovered that he tells her how much he misses her and propositioned her once or twice for continued play dates. My Sub believes that the proposals were made in jest, but I was not born yesterday and I know better.

So, what? You either trust her or you don't. Period. If she accepts his proposition it's not his fault, it's her fault. I get propositioned frequently. Master doesn't care because he knows that I won't betray him.

quote:

He is ostensibly an experienced dom and is fully aware that she is under consideration, yet he persists.

Yes, he realizes that you're using this fluffy little term and thinks it's a joke too.

quote:

I find his continued overtures to be a serious breach of Protocol.

You don't do protocol, remember?

quote:

And while I trust her implicitly

Clearly you don't because you're here asking us.

quote:

I was taken aback that she let it continue.

Again, so what? As long as she doesn't follow up on it, it doesn't matter.

quote:

Advice about how to handle the situation would be appreciated . . . and "man up, Pussy" does not count as advice.

Yeah, it does.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/16/2011 5:02:50 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Newbie02151)

Post #: 10

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 5:18:47 PM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

It sounds like they may have some unfinished business.

It might be too soon for you to know if she is the one you want to keep. Spend time dating first. Consider that you might be incompatible...she may need someone who enjoys taking more control over her, including outside of the bedroom. She might even be your inspiration to take domination outside of the bedroom only category...

What I know about protocol would fit on a postage stamp, if I wrote in crayon. I see UC as dating, where both people are interviewing each other for a more permanent position. When I do this, it is one on one, and I am not dating others all at the same time.

I have someone. I allow him contact with all his friends, including the Domme who mentored him, and contact with his prior Domme. (Yes, I even allow him to do odd jobs for her, including mowing her lawn until this grass growing season ends, as a courtesy to her and for reasons of my own.)

He is mine and I know he is mine...his loyalties are not divided. Your prospective sub has loyalty to both you and her mentor/trainer. I would be proud of her for letting you know this, as telling you what he is doing left her wide open for an argument. Either go after her and win her over completely until her submission and loyalty only belong to you, or else be friends with her first and let her know that you want what is best for her...even if she ends up going back to her mentor/trainer as his collared sub this time.

I sat back and waited for four months after a newbie I was very interested in leaped into training with someone else. This was my judgment call to make.

UC or not, if her mentor/trainer knows her well enough to want to keep her, I don't know why he doesn't just crook his finger and take her from you. Maybe he can't, because there was a reason why she didn't ask him to collar her. Maybe she sees you as the better prospect. Talk with her...with one of my subs in the past, it was a relief to him when I told him to break contact with someone who was toxic for him. She might be confused over why you are allowing another man to poach on your territory, and the only way you are going to find out is to have a heart to heart talk with her, preferably in person.

Years ago, a friend of mine who frequented some dungeon in Georgia (it had four numers, that's all I can remember) said that it was bad form for other dominants to show an interest in a sub who was UC to someone else. That was just his opinion, how things were done within his circle of friends and acquaintences.

As for myself, I felt many things all at the same time while waiting for my newbie to understand himself and his needs better, that he cannot endure being but one of half a dozen or more slaves. I felt like a vulture, waiting on the sidelines for the trainwreck to happen, and at the same time, guilty for not pulling him out of it sooner. It was a good learning experience for him, in spite of their incompatibility...also, I refused to have my own decision process rushed.

Do not take her out of UC and into a collar just to prevent losing her to her ex. You need to know for yourself if you can make this work for the long haul. Do you want to own her heart...or just the submissive body that goes with it... Act accordingly. I chose to go for the heart. Of course, the body followed close behind.

(in reply to Newbie02151)

Post #: 11

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 5:30:24 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay. The old mentor has broken protocol. Contact him and disallow contact between them for several weeks. Tell your sub you're doing this.

The part that really sucks is that he's likely more active in the local scene and he will talk you down there if you cross him. Though I'd be curious what his local rep is like.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 5:30:36 PM

TheShrew

Posts: 519
Joined: 2/15/2009
From: The state I live in? Confusion.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Newbie02151
bedroom only Dom.

You're content with a completely casual arrangement, in which you have no dominant interest/tendencies outside the bedroom.
If she requires a dom outside the bedroom, you're probably not going to keep her. This is, most likely, why she has maintained contact with her former dom. Get honest with yourself and the girl. Tweak the association as needed. {Step up or cut her loose.} Best of luck.

< Message edited by TheShrew -- 8/16/2011 5:33:33 PM >

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(in reply to Newbie02151)

Post #: 13

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 5:50:20 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I don't think her 'mentor' is doing anything wrong. He knows she hasn't committed to anyone else and is still a free agent. So why shouldn't she see others until she meets someone she wants to commit to? Doesn't sound like newbie is such a good match for her or they would have made a commitment.

If you two are still considering each other, than you aren't exclusive and you both have the right to do what you want. You don't want her to play with anyone else, then ask her not to and move into a relationship. Right now you want her to commit to you but you won't commit to her. Fish or cut bait.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 8/16/2011 5:55:26 PM >

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Post #: 14

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 5:54:45 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14442
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Contact him and disallow contact between them for several weeks. Tell your sub you're doing this.

I have to disagree Steven.

A) Clearly the ex isn't going to respect that boundary, because he's not respecting the one currently in existence. And honestly, he has no way to enforce this. It's ends up looking like a pissing match.

B) Truly it doesn't matter what the ex does, what matters is what she does. She's either going to say yes or say no, and you have no way to prevent her from saying yes. You just have to trust that she won't. No one can steal a partner from you, it's all voluntary.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/16/2011 5:58:32 PM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 15

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 6:02:45 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

There's no commitment, she's free to do what she wants. And everyone else here has made a good point about protocol. You either want it or you don't. Then again, without a commitment from you, she's under no obligation to meet that protocol.

Commitment doesn't mean put a lifetime collar on her, either. When the Mister & I realized we really liked each other, we made a commitment to explore developing a relationship together, which meant closing off others as options. If you're low protocol, maybe something like that would work for you.

Basically what I see here is, you like a girl, you're not committed to her, and you don't like that another guy is hitting on her. Fair enough, but what are you going to do about it?

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Post #: 16

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 7:01:26 PM

Runswithlove

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

In my humble opinion, if she is "yours", she should be thinking only of you, listening only to you, and has no business with her former "mentor" in her life. In fact, he is not her "mentor", because the very term means that one is following the advice of one who is in the same role. a "mentor" for her, would have to be another, more experienced submissive, and not a Master or Dominant. It seems there is little experience in the lifestyle all around. Dominants have been stealing subs from other Doms forever, however this happens when people are playing at the roles, and not living the role in the heart. I think if you want her heart and soul, you can acquire it, but you must be clear and direct about your desires. Another man has no place in your relationship unless you permit it.

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Post #: 17

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 7:08:03 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

either she's gonna dig you and focus on you or she's not. It doesnt matter if shes under consideration, collared, married, single .. it doesnt matter what her status is. She's gonna do what she's gonna do because thats who she is and thats what she does. Dont like it? Oh well. She obviously donts give a shit.

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Post #: 18

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 7:24:21 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

You seem really considerate, and there certainly are enough of the "overtly take control of this situation" responses, so I'll tell you how you could take control of this situation more subtly.

Even if you're not possessive or jealous, or would even allow your submissive to sleep with guys of your choosing (like myself), this situation is one where you're not getting enough respect to be comfortable.

Basically, I'd focus on strengthening your relationship to the point where she won't be looking anywhere else. (Granted, some people flirt with anyone and everyone to make life more fun, but people who are getting all of their relationship needs met tend to stick around.)

So most importantly, you've got to figure out everything that motivates her to seek a man/Dom: a safe, secure place where she can feel vulnerable/feel like she can surrender sexually? A relationship with someone who has clear demands that relieve her of responsability? Something that makes her feel really, really wanted or cared for?

Just ask/figure it all out and then plan out something that works for you. (If you're intuitive, figuring out your submissive's psychology gives you a lot more to work with.) As posted above: Do commit enough to make her feel secure enough with you. (That tends to be a really big deal with many women.)

Now, personally, I tend to think women fantasizing about other men is perfectly healthy and entertaining to hear about. :) Anyway, see if you can get her to feel safe discussing such fantasies with you. Then, you could potentially extend your sexual control into that area. Just make it clear that she can tell you anything and you won't hold it against her.

Now, go for a little roleplay. Play make-believe where she's your wife and you've caught her cheating with that other guy. Make her tell you about it. Tell her she needs to be punished. :) Tell her a time later that Saturday. And, tell her how to get ready. And while you're doing it, tell her if takes her punishment like a good girl you'll ravish her afterwards. Of course, "forgive her" for this imaginary transgression. (I'll send you the link with a more detailed version; it's appropriate even for your sensual and bedroom-only.)

This can be a manipulative way to keep using his attention to have yourself a merry time. If she wants to have a thing for the cable guy after that, even more fun sexual fantasies for you to control her with. If you feel like you have control, you can even ask her to lead him on by going on a date as friends and then come back to you to get screwed properly.

Oh, and if you want make a statement personally: Invite him to dinner as a couple and just flirt with him the entire time. (I've actually done that before and most guys don't know how to respond without completely losing control of the situation.)

E: Grammar

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/16/2011 7:30:03 PM >

(in reply to Newbie02151)

Post #: 19

RE: Contact with Prior Doms/Mentors - 8/16/2011 7:55:24 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

This is freaky shit. I just found out that married people might actually have affairs. Obviously you always need to have your spouse "under consideration" to prevent these types of things from transpiring. Maybe just show them more consideration if you actually give a fuck.

Only in this fucked up thing do people use such stupid terminology as if it actually carries any weight. Safecalls, mentors, under consideration, RACK should all be shoved up some vulnerable dominants ass. Only, however, if it is SSC.

_____________________________

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Post #: 20

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