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RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 9:33:10 PM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

quote:

I used to, but Hanners has made it very, VERY clear, that that sort of open communication pleases her, so there is no longer any conflict. As Hanners is so fond of saying: sometimes it really is that simple.
fuck i'm a wise little whore ain't i?

look, it is simple. some say they are allowed to speak up, heather is required to. i need her to keep me informed of her mental/emotional state because it's my job to make sure she is getting what she needs out of the relationship. i can't do that without her feedback, i don't know about other dominants, but i'm no kreskin.

in fact, i expect her to give me the benefit of her insight at all times. when there is a decision to make i want her views on it. why? because she's a fuck of a lot smarter than me. duh.

she's my slave. all of her. not just her ass, but her brain as well. i'd be a right fucking fool to use the first and not the second.

Great. And that's commendable with the person you've got.

I happen to be the wild card, so I have M for that. Sometimes I really oughtened be *allowed* to speak up. Sometimes.

Sometimes it's a good thing that he refuses it, from both sides.

agirl

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Post #: 21

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/17/2011 9:48:30 PM

HannahLynHeather

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quote:

Sometimes I really oughtened be *allowed* to speak up. Sometimes.

Sometimes it's a good thing that he refuses it, from both sides.

i disagree, but i don't know you, i suppose it's possible that you don't know your own feelings as well as he does, but i find it hard to fathom how that could be.

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RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/19/2011 5:23:49 AM

MalcolmNathaniel

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OP: I am putting this as as simply as I can:

A slave who doesn't tell you what she is feeling is lying by omission. That means she is lying to her owner. That means she is being disobedient. Being disobedient means that she is not being pleasing.

That's where my logic train ends. It's at the station and ready to disgorge passengers. A slave hiding something from her master is being disobedient. We can argue all day about wording, but that would be pedantic.

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Post #: 23

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/19/2011 6:48:18 AM

ThundersCry

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For me, all I can go by is experience...the DESIRE,WANT,Need so far surpasses everything else that nothing else matters...

And then when YOU do get into those positions where your recieving way more pain than you can handle you above all must be able to safe out...

Thus pride steps in and you start to hang on by enduring *it*....hopefully the top.D,M knows the person well enough to stop and HE/SHE begins doing the communication and asking the questions...NOW, why would you have to stop and start asking...submissives have pride and wehn safeing out, believe for some reason they have let theri partner down...

Thats what I will do, because I know she is *gone* and unfortunatly has entrusted me to take care of her when she in in that postion...

Great question...

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RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/19/2011 9:35:40 AM

MissImmortalPain

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Holier than thou much? I would quote someone else on these boards but the last time I did a mod slapped me*insert a giggle here* So I will just take credit for it myself(even though she said it better) "It is just kinky sex. Everything else is a realationship people" Everything else really is just a realationship like any other in the "vanilla" world. Stop pretending like all the same rules don't apply to all of us. Communication is one of the most important things needed for a lasting realationship. At times it is hard for either side of the realationship to deal with it but it is still needed.

However...for the point of the op I did ask the sub sitting infront of me what he thought. What he said is 99% of the time he opens his mouth and tells me what he thinks. I asked what he does that other 1% of the time and he said he runs away and pouts....he is such a girl hahaha.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 8/19/2011 9:38:34 AM >

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RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/21/2011 6:59:23 AM

gorgeoushair

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i think that as a submissive it is imperative that any conflicts be resolved through discussion. If i cannot tell my D that i have a problem with something, and He cannot handle discussing it, then where is the trust? i feel that a D must be in control of himself and be able to discuss difficult, legitimate issues with His submissive. That is part of the D's responsibility. Conversely, a sub cannot be afraid to raise issues she/he has with her/his D in order to please. That is not honesty.

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Post #: 26

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/21/2011 10:45:13 AM

SimplyMichael

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Tristan

My question is directed toward submissives...do you have any conflicts between your desire to please your partner and to communication openly and honestly with your partner knowing that your honesty could be painful at times?

Sadly, this is quite common from both sides of the slash

quote:

If there are conflicts, how do you resolve them?

You do your best to create a safe environment where they trust that hard topics will be listened to in a way that makes them feel safe coming forward with them. In my communication classes I talk a lot about this because it is something both sides struggle with. One of the things I teach is to warn your partner "I don't have the exact words to say this so bear with me" and then you blurt out the imperfect feeling and the two of you work it out, explore what is meant, what can be done, etc.

However, it takes someone who truly wants to be open to make it work, if being decietful is just ingrained, things are doomed to fail.

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Post #: 27

RE: Communication vs. Pleasing - 8/21/2011 3:05:33 PM

lally2

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i echo what everyone else is saying but heck, i remember a time when pleasing a person, anyone at all, much less my Dominant was all about keeping schtum about my inner workings and doing the pleasing thing above all else.

i remember a time when i told myself pleasing my dom was what i had to do, even if i had major internal issues over something. that it would be displeasing to question or communicate unwillingness over something and i wanted to please more than displease.

i think thats why in the end i prefer Ms so much more than Ds - mainly because now the decision isnt mine but i can share my fears, worries and concerns, have them heard and know that they will be considered and taken into account. i know im not being displeasing, im providing an honest platform for him to work from.

IMO, from my experience its maybe a lesson you learn as you go along. the newb may have some inner conflict about questioning or rejecting an idea and let a situation go from bad to worse before the whole thing spills over into a big mess. realising that the primary option is to keep the dynamic flowing healthily is as much the subs responsibility as the Dominants.

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Post #: 28