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Iamsemisweet -> RE: Multiple Personality Disorder (8/24/2011 1:13:11 PM)
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Lafayette, you couldn't be more right. I don't know what my brother was thinking adopting these children. He didn't have the finances, the health, or the parenting ability to take them on. But he did, so too late now.
I am hoping to talk my mother into setting up a special needs trust for my nephew, rather than just letting his inheritance pass directly to him. It would be nice if the money could be used to help his quality of life, rather than going directly to the facility. She is touchy about this kind of thing, but I am going to try.
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ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
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ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet
Lafayette, good question about my role in this. My brother and I were not close, but we reconciled while he was dying of pancreatic cancer. We did not talk much about the specific diagnosis of his son, just because there was a lot going on, including issues with another child that I am very concerned about. She went through much the same thing as her brother, although for longer, since she was older. I had some big issues with the way my brother and his wife were treating her, so we spent time talking about her, and not so much his son. IN addition, my brother's insurance company was constantly looking for ways to deny coverage, so we spent a lot of time dealing with that.
My brother's wife is afraid of the boy (don't blame her), so at this point I don't see anything changing for him unless the insurance company does manage to drop them. She, quite honestly, does not want to talk about it, and she is angry with me because of my meddling with the daughter. Horrible, horrible situation, and not one that I can really do anything about, except for one thing. When my mother dies, the son and his sister will be inheriting some money, and I would like to see that it goes to help him make his life more comfortable. I don't know what to do other than that.
As another poster stated, your relationship with your SIL would not necessarily inhibit your ability to have a relationship with the boy. If your SIL does want to do what she can for the child, then making you his legal guardian and possibly finding a more appropriate placement for him near you would be good.
No disrespect meant to your later brother or his wife, but people who adopt problem children often don't fully understand what they are promising to undertake, and as seems to be the case here, find themselves unable to fully care for the child and provide for their needs. Sadly, the concept that if they are loved enough, everything will get better is a falsehood.
As for your mother providing an inheritance at her death, be very careful about this for the boy. Because of his situation, he will eventually become a ward of the state, and all the money he inherits will be used in determining his eligibility for services. Speaking of which, while it takes a lot of patience and a lot of balls, getting help from the state for him would help ease the burden on your SIL.
I agree that you should do whatever you can to make the boy feel someone cares. It may not improve his situation and certainly won't solve his problems, but we all want to know that someone thinks about us and loves us. Maybe you can try to make some amends with your sister-in-law. Stay out of the mother-daughter issues and just reach out for the boy and do what you can. Your sister-in-law might appreciate having someone help her with him since she seems to be dealing with so much with her daughter.
Good luck and please let us know how things are going.
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