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Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 6:27:38 AM

ShadowLord2

Posts: 7
Joined: 5/9/2005
Status: offline

here is a question for subs / slaves out there ...

there is bound to be subs out there that have secret lives (with their submission) that can’t reveal to their families their submission because the cost will be 2 high to even think about taking the chance…

I am curious how they cope with their lives being split 3 ways ... how they feed their beasts (their submission)... how they deal with the guilt of if their families would find out … how they cope with the sacrifices… how they cope with young kids being around (in their vanilla life)… etc

thanks for any answer

Shadow Lord2

Post #: 1

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 6:32:01 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

It's none of my family's business. Although, I must say I have had thoughts of disposing of my toy bag recently, as I'd hate to be killed or die or a heart attack or something and my family go through my things and find my toys. That would be bad for them.

I don't consider it leading a double life, I consider it keeping my private life private.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to ShadowLord2)

Post #: 2

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 6:44:02 AM

NeedInspiration

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/7/2006
Status: offline

My toys are hung and hidden... for now, (based on my sons' ages and propensity to snoop) they are safe.

My exhusband knows and accepts my desire to have an unconventional relationship with a Man. If I die... I'm sure he'll take care of the toys and take care of disposing them (or giving them away to my submissive friends) when/if it becomes necessary!

_____________________________

Needed: Inspiration!

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 3

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 7:06:51 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

is very difficult at times and yes some guilt is involved. my husband has given me permission for online but not for r/t. i give myself that permission as i do not want to leave this world unfullfilled. i love my husband and son very much but in order to be a good wife and mom i have to take care of my needs also, and this i need. disclosure is a scary thought but if it happens i will deal with it as i would any other crisis in my life, head on. and yes i have my hidden stash of toys and other items that even my husband does not know about, but i also have one vanilla friend who knows my secret and would protect them by getting rid of "the evidence" if something did happen to me and i could not do it myself.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to NeedInspiration)

Post #: 4

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 7:09:58 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

Well, I don't have any family so to speak so I don't worry about that. I'm more or less out at work...my boss knows I'm "different" but he thinks I'm a domme! LOL! As far as my kids go, well they too know that I am "differrent". Personally, I don't feel any guilt about it, tho. If anyone were to really find out? Well, they would simply have to cope, that's all.

(in reply to ShadowLord2)

Post #: 5

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 7:22:29 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

It's none of my family's business what I do. Some of them know, like my sister, who just thinks I'm a weird. My 14 year old daughter that lives with us knows enough. She takes it all in stride, has seen some of my toys and just calls me her freaky mama.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 6

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 7:35:30 AM

valeca

Posts: 403
Joined: 1/9/2006
Status: offline

I don't think of it as hiding. It's as feastie said, keeping my private life private. I don't openly discuss all aspects of my vanilla self either. I've broached the subject of BDSM with my mother in the last couple of years, and although we didn't get farther than the typical, "Isn't that about whips and chains?", she probably wouldn't be shocked to find Masters toys. My ex-husband is well aware of my lifestyle as well, so that wouldn't make much of a difference. Master's brother is also aware (somewhat) of our lifestyle. If the unthinkable were to happen to us, we'd probably be past the point of caring what others thought anyway...lol. There'd probably be some family/friends who'd be shocked to learn that side of us, but oh well. I don't know every intimate detail of their lives, so I don't feel compelled to share every tidbit of ours with them. Everyone is entitled to their privacy.

If you think of it as hiding, you're likely to have some form of guilt over it. Who you are is with you always; it doesn't go away simply because you're in different company. So, in that sense, you aren't hiding it...you're just not being flambouyant about it 24/7. Not telling all and sundry that you're into BDSM isn't living a double life. It'd only be considered that if you were saying you weren't while secretly slipping off to 'get your BDSM groove on'.

If someone you didn't want knowing found out, and you behaved in a guilty manner, they're much more likely to think of what you're doing as 'wrong', as well. If you display dignity, they're more likely to be less condemming.

I am not ashamed of who or what I am. If my relationship with Master were to become public knowledge, it'd be difficult, but we'd deal with any possible backlash with pride in us, our relationship and who we are as people.

Edited for typo's and to add:

Our 3 children are not privy to our activities. When we feel they've reached an age to understand, and if they ask, we'll discuss the foundations of our relationship with them. If we do our jobs correctly, they'll be able to look back and see a loving family unit, a united front and always open arms. They'll remember a mother and father who could make each other smile with a look, a touch or a word. They'll remember a warm environment and sunday dinners and movie night and water fights...and a million other details we wish for them in any future stable, loving relationships they have. And if we can show them that all that stemmed from a BDSM marriage, we've done something right. We don't look at it as 'coping with children around'. We're just living our lives. Then again, our life isn't based on trying to find the time to enjoy our kinks. For that, we do like even the most 'nilla parents out there do...we wait 'til they've gone to bed, or find a sitter and get busy. ;)

< Message edited by valeca -- 5/21/2006 8:02:17 AM >

_____________________________

~valeca, Owned and Operated by Loraith.

(in reply to NeedInspiration)

Post #: 7

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 8:33:22 AM

puella

Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I think it is one thing to sit down with your 80 year old father and say... Yeah so dad... just for your own edification, I am a consensual slave and this guy you think is great in my life... he likes to occasionally take a whip to your daughter, we have wonderful sex afterwords and I am, on more than an occasional basis, chained, blindfolded and used as a slut.

Somethings your family does not need to know.. I do not discuss my sex life with my family. I do not use my 'home' as my personal confessional.

However!!, (there is always a however, eh?) If you are lying to a spouse, cheating on a spouse, or in any other way dishonoring a vow you made.. I have a problem with that, especially if you have children. You made a choice and a decision to someone. YOU made the vow, you made the decision that you could hold up your end of the bargain and your pledges to that other person... If you have changed your mind about that, the other person is entitled to know that. No one deserves being shit on and cheated on an lied to because you are unwilling to live honestly and deal in a respectable manner with the consequences of your new choices. If you handle hit honorably and honestly, there is always a better outcome, in my opinion (even if its just karmically).

(in reply to valeca)

Post #: 8

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 8:56:42 AM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

I Love my family but i don't think when i go to my moms house for dinner over the pasta i am gonna say oh you know i am a submissive and i got a wonderful Master. I don;t want to give my parents a heart attack. My life is just that my private life is not something my family needs to know about. My friends know and they think it is cool.

Matt's littleone

(in reply to puella)

Post #: 9

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 9:19:02 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

For me, well I think my sister has guessed I am into rough sex...lol. she was looking over my shoulder when my former dom emailed me "Kisses and Bruises" as a signature... She said "What does THAT mean???" I just smiled and then she smirked.

I did not advertise my vanilla sex life, why should D/s be different? There are so many ways to have secret greetings and messages for when the vanilla are around, and these things can be delicious....lol.

I have a son, and he is a teenager. He does not know. I think that I am always on the submissive side in my actions with my family anyways. I am a soft touch, I do things for people. I do things for my son, so why would he think I wouldnt do things for my lover? My lover happens to be a dom.

I think of my submission as being a part of who I am. It is defined in my life by whom I choose to dominate me. At this point in my life I would not be a suitable sub to someone who expected me on my knees in greeting every day when he came home from work, naked and collared. I have a minor child. This does not mean I am not going to be a 24-7 sub to my One(whatever that means), it means that it finds a more subtle expression is all.

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/21/2006 9:20:36 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to ShadowLord2)

Post #: 10

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 9:37:19 AM

male59sub

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

And now is not always, your son will grow up and get out on his own, it is futile to try and please "family". Most don't give one whit about your happiness, only their power to fuck up whatever good you may get going in your life. Keep to what makes YOU happy, protect your child as you have to to keep your relationship with him intact and well-functioning and don't look back and don't give it a second thought. Many of us have to do double-lives, not because of any desire of dishonesty on our part, but to protect ourselves, and others, from the double standards and hyprocrises of the vanilla world. You are not alone, keep the faith, we are all in this together.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 11

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 9:57:47 AM

seekingsoul

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline

It kind of hurts me to see this kind of a reply, not in an indignant way, but because I can guess (and perhaps only guess) at the hell that your family must have been for you to think of it that way. I personally grew up in a loving family, but I wouldn't discuss this with them either - it's part of my private life, and just as I don't discuss my cycles, or how good a partner is in bed, I don't divulge this. There are things, even in a family situation, that just aren't talked about openly in a polite society. Bedroom kinks and desires falls under this category for the most part, unless you're in a very specific situation/setting.

And now, in reply to the more general post - I don't have kids, so I can't say to that, but I do have to scurry and hide toys and the like which are generally out around my apartment when my family comes to visit. I view it the same way as walking into my mother's bedroom and seeing lingerie and the Kama Sutra - I can intellectually know and appreciate that she still has a sex life, but I certainly don't want to see the physical evidence. I also, however, have a strict policy of answering questions from my family honestly. So there is no guilt, because if one of them should ask, I would tell them. I wouldn't nitty-gritty detail it, but I would give basics.

The hardest part for me about being a sub is that I actually tend to feel guilty when I do assert myself, oddly enough. Otherwise, there's really no guilt. I guess I'm one of the luckier ones.

_____________________________

I can resist anything but temptation. - Oscar Wilde

(in reply to male59sub)

Post #: 12

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 10:39:11 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: male59sub

And now is not always, your son will grow up and get out on his own, it is futile to try and please "family". Most don't give one whit about your happiness, only their power to fuck up whatever good you may get going in your life. Keep to what makes YOU happy, protect your child as you have to to keep your relationship with him intact and well-functioning and don't look back and don't give it a second thought. Many of us have to do double-lives, not because of any desire of dishonesty on our part, but to protect ourselves, and others, from the double standards and hyprocrises of the vanilla world. You are not alone, keep the faith, we are all in this together.

My extended family adore me! My good friends treasure me!

When the dom I am seeing came up here I had them ringing my cell off the hook at first, partially because they wanted to make sure I was safe!

I love doing things for my family. I buy my sister things at yard sales, I do things for my mom all the time.I listen to my brothers when they have troubles. I see nothing wrong in this... It is a part of my nature! I care for the ones I love. It comes easy to me.

And BTW, my family cares deeply for my happiness.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to male59sub)

Post #: 13

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 12:32:16 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

Every time I think about my "double life" I immediately think "What would Clark Kent do," and then I immediately realize Lana Lang and Lois Lane are both extremely hot, and then I immediately think "Wouldn't it be great if both of them from the TV show would dominate me?" and then immediately I think "there's no way possible I could please them both because they're both so great and I'm only me" and then I immediately think, "well, I could be dominated by one and then the other could watch and say all sorts of derogatory things about me," and then I immediately think...I'm sorry. What was I talking about before?

(in reply to ShadowLord2)

Post #: 14

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 1:06:31 PM

sskitten

Posts: 43
Joined: 9/15/2005
Status: offline

You have asked a question that has not yet been answered by your target audience... those for whom the cost would be too great to reveal their submission to their families. I think the only ones for whom the cost would be too great are those who are in a committed relationship - probably married - and their spouse does not know. In other words, you would like to hear from cheaters who might be experiencing guilt, to hear how they cope with their double lives and their guilt.

I am part of your target audience, and I wrestle with the issues every day. You would think from reading the boards that nearly everyone here leads a noble life. There are actually many of us who are cheating and who are experiencing various degrees of conflict, but the environment on these message boards is not conducive to a discussion of the issues we face.

For this reason, around a month ago I started a Yahoo group for those who are cheating, or thinking about cheating, or involved with a cheater, and who are looking for a safe haven where we can discuss the issues we face without being subjected to outside judgments.

The group is Two Flavors (one is vanilla... the other is whatever you want it to be): http://groups.yahoo.com/group/two_flavors

Kitten

(in reply to ShadowLord2)

Post #: 15

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 1:40:42 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

See, the whole trouble with your scenario is that it does not include Clark Kent or Superman dominating me....

On Edit: I do not think it would be possible for them to dominate me at the same time, or have one denigrate me off in the corner. I could be wrong about that, but I do not think so....LOL

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 5/21/2006 1:42:05 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to littlesarbonn)

Post #: 16

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 1:42:34 PM

cuddleheart50

Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

My family knows nothing about my lifestyle or will they ever! Its none of their business for one thing, and they would worry about me if they knew, and I dont want to worry them anymore than I already have. Plus, if they ever found out, I'm sure they would think that I was crazy and want to put me away.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.

(in reply to sskitten)

Post #: 17

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 3:03:06 PM

Slavebitch11

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/22/2006
Status: offline

My friends know little about my lifestyle. I give them little bits to chew on so they dont think I'm being too secretive and pry. They know, for instance that I have a lover who tells me how to dress and is very Dominant and a few of them think I do bondage photography.
I dont really lie to them, I'm just a little economical with the truth...

quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

My family knows nothing about my lifestyle or will they ever! Its none of their business for one thing, and they would worry about me if they knew, and I dont want to worry them anymore than I already have. Plus, if they ever found out, I'm sure they would think that I was crazy and want to put me away.

_____________________________

'Dont stop honking.......I'm just re loading'

(in reply to cuddleheart50)

Post #: 18

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 3:50:10 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I just wanted to say lovely post

valeca.

As far as my own life, no one knows but my sub. I keep that part of my life underwraps because I have a child. My sub however has told his brother in the event something would happen to him.
I guess I never really thought through what would happen when I pass, I think I should.

~Lashra

(in reply to valeca)

Post #: 19

RE: Coping with Double Lives - 5/21/2006 4:08:34 PM

Raethepain

Posts: 44
Joined: 4/21/2006
Status: offline

My family are so wonderfully prudish that it'd never come up. Even vanilla sex is not allowed to exist.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 20

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