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The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/8/2011 5:24:41 PM   
M4S73R


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So this post is really outside of my charactarists. Some may see this as being ignorent or whatever but here it is.

I have never persued a women online. And not in the context of a relationship.  I came here to try another median of meeting women with like mindind things. I live in the Kansas City area of Missouri. The bible belt. I am not a christian. I have no intrest in converting a vanilla to this lifestyle. In RL, I'm very confident but its been difficult to find someone around here i can relate to.

Up to 3 days ago i thought this would proly be a waste of time (part of me still things so.) Then a women popped up on my autofind thing on my main page. Lightning Stuck. I sent a message. Kinda long winded, But I only asked one question. The last time she was online was back in Feb. She answered the question perfectly. And now, for the life of me, i have no fucking idea how to proceed. I'm nervous. LOL. haven't been this nervous since i was in grade school.

Guess im looking for a Dom/Domme's Spencerian in getting to know someone online. There so much that you cant convey In text. Body language, sarcasm, facial responses. Ive always been good at reading people (and it has led me to much business success in sales) but i have no idea what the fuck im doing, Help me out Tops.
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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/8/2011 5:32:03 PM   
DesFIP


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What would you do if you went up to a stranger at a party and asked a question and she answered it. You would ask her to elaborate on it, share a funny story that it reminded you of, and so on. Same here.

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/8/2011 6:14:32 PM   
DarkSteven


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The cool part about online is it's trivial to see how the kinks match up.  So go ahead and make sure you're compatible outside the bedroom.

What's her occupation?  Why did she choose it?  Kids?  Ex-husband - how does she get along with him?

What are her regrets in life?  What about you attracts her?  What about her attracts you?

If she's still with you after all that, then start exploring kink.


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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/8/2011 6:17:19 PM   
Wolf2Bear


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Try discussing different subject matters and not always based on the kink factor. Yes this is a BDSM kink site yet we all have interests/hobbies and such that are non kink. I'd approach any further conversation as if you met an interesting person at a social gathering and strike up a conversation which hopefully will lead to more in  depth conversations.


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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/8/2011 6:34:43 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


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Thor, based on the things you have posted on here that I've seen so far I would say just be yourself. You'll charm the pants off her if you just behave as if you were face to face. Like the others have said, ask her some vanilla things, music, sports, whatever.

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/8/2011 6:54:52 PM   
M4S73R


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I assumed this was the deal. And i don't talk about sex at all when i first meet someone im interested in. Sounds like the normal thing I guess. Still different then picking women up at clubs. Which is where my experience lies. Im just done with that. Ive had to give up several relations because the  partner doesn't want kids. Thanks for the tips. Ill update on how its going. She been on my homepage since I joined. I'm thinking a stiff glass of cognac is in order.

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 5:05:20 AM   
kalikshama


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I've read a lot of your posts and you seem to do just fine communicating in writing. It can be somewhat flat without the non-verbal cues, however. When I feel like someone's not getting me via email, I'll ask to postpone the convo until phone or in person.

I like email - I'm comfortable in the medium, I can reflect on my words and edit them, and I can work on an email over time. One problem with phone is that it can use up large chunks of time, so if you two move it to phone I suggest you ensure she's not blowing off important things like work, cooking dinner, going to the gym, etc, to spend a considerable time on the phone with you. I know I'm projecting my issues into your question - just trying to illustrate why I prefer email.

Another thing I've learned about meeting people on line is to hold off getting excited/ forming attachments/ creating expectations, until I've had the vanilla meeting and also played with them. Someone may seem very compatible online or at dinner, but it just doesn't work when you two are naked. (I happen to like getting naked quickly, but have heard this is not universally true ;)

Sometimes internet people get cold feet and vanish. (It's probably not you, but them, unless it always happens, in which case the common denominator is you :)

I see online dating as like applying for jobs - you have to read scads of ads and go to lots of interviews before you find the dream job. I consider myself very fortunate that it took me less than a year to find someone I was compatible enough to want to live with. (Two weeks of cohabitation bliss and counting!)

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 11:36:56 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


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Forget about the relationship thing for now, for one thing it'll just make you more nervous for another not everything leads to a relationship.

Just take a deep breath...and chat about anything at all. If it's going to lead to a relationship great, if not maybe you have a good friend or at the very least had fun.

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 11:51:12 AM   
SimplyMichael


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fuck online, go meet her for coffee!

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:05:06 PM   
MasterSlaveLA


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What's the big deal?

Email for a while...
IM for a while...
Talk on the phone for a while...
Meet...
Date/Fuck for a while...
Decide.

It's not exactly rocket science, yanno?!!

Also, if you're limiting your search to only "local" folks (not sayin' you are... just sayin'), that's a mistake.  Many identify that they're "Willing to Relocate" -- so there's no point in limiting one's online search to only their immediate area.

WARNING:  if you've never done the "online" thing, make a mental note to remember that it's VERY easy to start having genuine feelings for someone online, as the mind does this weird thing where it kinda fills in the missing gaps, so to speak, between text, voice, pictures and the ACTUAL person.  DON'T FALL VICTIM TO THIS.  Remember, it ain't REAL till you've actually met each other... don't let your mind play tricks on you in thinking you've met the PERFECT person when you've not actually... yanno... met?!!




< Message edited by MasterSlaveLA -- 9/10/2011 12:52:55 PM >


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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:25:52 PM   
Kaliko


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSlaveLA

 

Also, if you're limiting your search to only "local" folks (not sayin' you are... just sayin'), that's a mistake.  Many identify that they're "Willing to Relocate" -- so there's no point in limiting one's online search to only their immediate area.





For me, there is. I am not looking to be serious with anyone - certainly not serious enough to warrant their moving anywhere just for me. Waaay too much pressure.

To the OP, I have a tendency to like how someone writes, and can spend weeks - even months - writing that person, only to find out there is nothing there in person. More than a waste of time, it's a disappointment. Meet as quickly as possible without scaring her off, I say.

And please....if I may make a small suggestion...if you have established a bit of rapport with a woman, when you ask her to meet you, provide her with a day, time and place. It's so much easier for a woman to say yes (or no) to that. If a man writes to a woman and says "We seem to really hit it off. I would definitely like to meet you." that is not an invitation. That's just a statement that requires no response and that, frankly, sounds like the same other 10 "invitations" received that week. It has nothing to do with D/s at all. It's just nice (in my opinion) for a woman to be courted and that's the first impression you will give her of how you will court her in person. If I met that man in person, him saying "Meet me on Saturday at 5" would more quickly move it to the next level than would the ambiguous "Let's go out sometime."

Not saying you're doing this. Obviously, it's a thorn in my side. Never mind. Moving on......

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:26:30 PM   
M4S73R


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Thanks for the warning MSLA. And the advice of everyone else. I feel guilty sorta. When i was younger i thought that people that met online were fools. Its good to know that many around here have developed relationships. Feeling like a hypocrite a bit lol.

Edite to respond to Kali:  Thanks for the tip. I am very old fashioned in that respect. Courting is enjoyable for me. Not looking for a "how fast can i get this chick out of her clothes" kinda thing.


< Message edited by M4S73R -- 9/10/2011 12:30:01 PM >


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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:30:04 PM   
tj444


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well, i am not a Domme but for me, if the person is local and someone i am interested in meeting, i want to meet as soon as possible. Maybe a bit on the phone first to get some basic info, see how the important things line up. But i am the kill it or cure it type, i want to meet to know if this has the possiblility of going someplace and to see how attracted in person we are to each other. I dont see the point in wasting time dancing about online or msgr or on the phone too long. And as mentioned by others, try hard not to having your expectations too high due to the online stuff. Give things time and get to know each other, do stuff together, talk a lot.. you are in sales so you should know you have 2 ears and 1 mouth... I am sure you have heard that before..


jmo, good luck!

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:30:52 PM   
M4S73R


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I have, ever heard the term "always be closing"

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:31:41 PM   
Kaliko


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quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

Feeling like a hypocrite a bit lol.





Yes, ....sigh....that tends to happen as we get older and realize we're not right about everything we thought we were right about. (AKA...dammit, my mother was right!)

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:35:25 PM   
M4S73R


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actually is been my deceased father haunting me on that front lol

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:36:35 PM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

I have, ever heard the term "always be closing"

yes, I have. (grin) I am sure you will do just fine.

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:39:22 PM   
Kaliko


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

Maybe a bit on the phone first to get some basic info, see how the important things line up.



Oh, yes, but - OP - don't be discouraged if she doesn't want to talk on the phone. First, I almost never give my number out to men, even if we've been on a date. My own family barely have my phone number. I hate talking on the phone, unless you're my mother or my sister and I'm required by blood to do so, and talking on the phone is not a good representation of who I am. And even if I did give a man my number, and he did call, I almost never pick it up - and I almost always have the ringer off. So..though it's certainly a logical step, don't be discouraged if she wants to skip that step. And finally, refraining from giving out your phone number is part of the unofficial girl's guide to internet safety. Using a first name, a phone number, and a town, one can find out a lot about a person on the internet. It's just not something I'm willing to give out so easily, these days.

Oh my God. I know way too much about online dating. How depressing.

< Message edited by Kaliko -- 9/10/2011 12:41:28 PM >

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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:52:49 PM   
M4S73R


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Well we've exchanged a few emails. At first i was thinking there was nothing going. I had sent actual letters and was receiving 3 sentences in a response. Then i found out shes texting it out on a phone.  I sent my number so she could text me, and shes not ready yet. I use my phone for work so its not like my number is a secret lol. Maybe i should be more cautious about this.However she said that she just moved and her internet will be on next week and "would make exchanging messages easier."



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RE: The Dynamics of Online relationship finding. - 9/10/2011 12:53:35 PM   
tj444


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Oh, yes, but - OP - don't be discouraged if she doesn't want to talk on the phone. First, I almost never give my number out to men, even if we've been on a date. My own family barely have my phone number. I hate talking on the phone, unless you're my mother or my sister and I'm required by blood to do so, and talking on the phone is not a good representation of who I am. And even if I did give a man my number, and he did call, I almost never pick it up - and I almost always have the ringer off. So..though it's certainly a logical step, don't be discouraged if she wants to skip that step. And finally, refraining from giving out your phone number is part of the unofficial girl's guide to internet safety. Using a first name, a phone number, and a town, one can find out a lot about a person on the internet. It's just not something I'm willing to give out so easily, these days.

yeah, many times the guy would ask if i wanted to talk on the phone first and i said no, lets just meet. Even on the phone you can miss so much, since you cant see facial expressions and all.. and people can sound different on the phone, both in their manner and also how their voice sounds.

But i had a spare disposable cell just for this purpose (never gave out my real number, just this cell number), just the cheapest one and pay as you go for like $10/m. I would give that number out when we set a meeting so if the guy was running behind or something came up and he couldnt make it, he could still get a hold of me.. and i did appreciate if he gave me his too, just in case i needed to call him (but i didnt insist on having his).

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