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Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:03:11 PM   
LoveSparkie


Posts: 56
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline 		I asked some personal friends as well as some people on a "vanilla" forum to answer a survey about sexual favorites or fantasies.

Every single one of the replies had fantasies that were either of them being dominant or submissive. (except one woman who claimed she had none, never watched porn, never masterbated, and was basically better then everyone else that completed the survey. boo!)

These are people I have known and loved for years and they are just now admitting to me fantasies involving whips, being tied up, or making the other partner do whatever they want.

Has anyone else ever experienced someone who claimed to have a "normal" sexual appetite/to be "vanilla", but after divulging in their fantasies realizes they really want to play out sub/dom roles?

I'm beginning to think the sub/dom roles are just embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:07:55 PM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		A curiosity for bondage or sadism, or even being bossy during sex, doesn't always equate to the power exchange of dominance and submission from my experience. I've met lots of 'kinksters' who liked kinky things, but actually had no interest in power exchange directly. That's usually why a lot make the distinction between being a top/bottom versus being a dominant or submissive.

I'd also question the 'fantasy' over reality, people dream up fantasies in their head that may seem to involve power exchange, and it seems hot in their dreams, but when it comes to reality they may quickly find they do not infact like power exchange.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:10:16 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		My understanding of fantasies is limited since I personally do not have any...Having said that however, because they are just that 'fantasies' I think many people have no intention, desire, etc. to carry those out....
Just my take on it though,
Kali


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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:20:22 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5172
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		There is no rule that says kinky people have to be involved in BDSM. Vanilla people do some bondage. They enjoy spanking. However, a liking for bondage or spanking does not make them into D/s or M/s. My own late husband was kinky vanilla. He was definately not into what he called that "BDSM shit."

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:23:55 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

A curiosity for bondage or sadism, or even being bossy during sex, doesn't always equate to the power exchange of dominance and submission from my experience. I've met lots of 'kinksters' who liked kinky things, but actually had no interest in power exchange directly. That's usually why a lot make the distinction between being a top/bottom versus being a dominant or submissive.

I'd also question the 'fantasy' over reality, people dream up fantasies in their head that may seem to involve power exchange, and it seems hot in their dreams, but when it comes to reality they may quickly find they do not infact like power exchange.



This.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:27:04 PM   
TheDarkSaint


Posts: 20
Joined: 1/20/2011
Status: offline 		Not so surprising to my mind. Most everybody has fantasies about being in total and complete charge or being the indispensable right hand man/woman.

Add to that all the people in the world who don't know what their role or purpose is in a relationship. And those who think a relationship is simply to "exist" in it.

When you wish/want to know where you truly stand or don't know what your part is in a relationship. It's only natural to daydream about a world where everything is written in stone and satisfactory.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:32:47 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		I think that kink is a continuum from not at all to whoa that is some freaky shit. Most people will fall somewhere in the middle. Most "vanilla" folks do a lil spank and tickle. What we do isn't that out there in theory. Fantasies usually go farther down the continuum than we will generally comfortably go willing. So ya i have met very few people that i would actually classify as completely vanilla if i were using kink as the measure. YMMV and all that.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 8:47:56 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		FR

The whole thing where someone asks people what their fantasies are and then, once they're a bit further along than the person was expecting, says 'oh you're one of us and you didn't even know it!' is beyond patronising. Personal sexualities are rich and complex. That doesn't mean they're kinky, it means you've decided what their fantasies should be in order for them to be vanilla people, and you're finding that your expectations don't match the reality. It's not the reality that 'doesn't know' what it is, it's your expectations that are out of whack.

Do you know how many women have rape fantasies? The studies I've seen have put it at 40-60%. Does that mean rape is 'embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish'?

No? Didn't think so. So what makes power exchange fantasies different from rape fantasies, other than that the idea of one being embedded in us is abhorrent and the other fits how you'd like the world to be? Can you see an actual logical difference between the two constructs? Because I can't.



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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 9:12:05 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

FR

The whole thing where someone asks people what their fantasies are and then, once they're a bit further along than the person was expecting, says 'oh you're one of us and you didn't even know it!' is beyond patronising. Personal sexualities are rich and complex. That doesn't mean they're kinky, it means you've decided what their fantasies should be in order for them to be vanilla people, and you're finding that your expectations don't match the reality. It's not the reality that 'doesn't know' what it is, it's your expectations that are out of whack.

Do you know how many women have rape fantasies? The studies I've seen have put it at 40-60%. Does that mean rape is 'embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish'?

No? Didn't think so. So what makes power exchange fantasies different from rape fantasies, other than that the idea of one being embedded in us is abhorrent and the other fits how you'd like the world to be? Can you see an actual logical difference between the two constructs? Because I can't.





This too.

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Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 9:12:57 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline
quote:

Has anyone else ever experienced someone who claimed to have a "normal" sexual appetite/to be "vanilla", but after divulging in their fantasies realizes they really want to play out sub/dom roles?
Errr, Yes I happen to know two rather intimately. Suze, Cheri? Care to stand up? 

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 9:50:42 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I'm beginning to think the sub/dom roles are just embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish.


I disagree.  Lots and lots of people have no inclination toward being dominant or submissive, but happen to like kinky sex, which isn't necessarily a fetish, it's just kinky sex.  Lots of people have fantasies about kinky sex, but have no desire to actually partake in it.  Lots of people are dominant or submissive but aren't interested in kinky sex.  And so on.

People are much too complex to be universalized into roles that are embedded within us.


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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 9:51:11 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I asked some personal friends as well as some people on a "vanilla" forum to answer a survey about sexual favorites or fantasies.

Every single one of the replies had fantasies that were either of them being dominant or submissive. (except one woman who claimed she had none, never watched porn, never masterbated, and was basically better then everyone else that completed the survey. boo!)

These are people I have known and loved for years and they are just now admitting to me fantasies involving whips, being tied up, or making the other partner do whatever they want.

Has anyone else ever experienced someone who claimed to have a "normal" sexual appetite/to be "vanilla", but after divulging in their fantasies realizes they really want to play out sub/dom roles?

I'm beginning to think the sub/dom roles are just embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish.


To my way of thinking that is a "normal sexual appetite". Go Figure. There is a big difference between doing these things once in awhile and doing it as a steady meal. ie I am in control of my girl all the time meaning she do whatever I tell her to do. That is different than acting out a fantasy and doing it once a month.

BadOne


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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/14/2011 10:05:54 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

quote:

Has anyone else ever experienced someone who claimed to have a "normal" sexual appetite/to be "vanilla", but after divulging in their fantasies realizes they really want to play out sub/dom roles?
Errr, Yes I happen to know two rather intimately. Suze, Cheri? Care to stand up? 
And myself. I didn't think of listing myself because I understood the question to mean "other people", but I was vanilla when I met Hanners. I really didn't have particularly kinky fantasies, but there was a strong streak of submissiveness to them.

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 6:34:23 AM   
TenzoDom


Posts: 12
Joined: 7/22/2011
Status: offline 		I think all of us are one the kink spectrum - whether it's whips or chains, or spanking, or something as simple as hair-pulling. Just a question of degree.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)
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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 6:46:06 AM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ProlificNeeds

A curiosity for bondage or sadism, or even being bossy during sex, doesn't always equate to the power exchange of dominance and submission from my experience. I've met lots of 'kinksters' who liked kinky things, but actually had no interest in power exchange directly. That's usually why a lot make the distinction between being a top/bottom versus being a dominant or submissive.

I'd also question the 'fantasy' over reality, people dream up fantasies in their head that may seem to involve power exchange, and it seems hot in their dreams, but when it comes to reality they may quickly find they do not infact like power exchange.

This
AND
quote:

The whole thing where someone asks people what their fantasies are and then, once they're a bit further along than the person was expecting, says 'oh you're one of us and you didn't even know it!' is beyond patronising. Personal sexualities are rich and complex. That doesn't mean they're kinky, it means you've decided what their fantasies should be in order for them to be vanilla people, and you're finding that your expectations don't match the reality. It's not the reality that 'doesn't know' what it is, it's your expectations that are out of whack.


This

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 7:45:04 AM   
RopePlease


Posts: 39
Joined: 9/15/2011
Status: offline 		I think everyone can be a little kinky. Some may not take it to the extremes that others do, but it doesn't necessarily make them in the lifestyle, just a little freaky lol

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 8:22:07 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Everyone is kinky in some way. They just not be kinky the way you are and they simply don't have a need to announce it to the world or even feel a need to call it something other than kinky sex nor do they care to go out into the world and find some kind of label for it.

I've said it for years...bdsm isn't any different from the rest of the world who are having the same fantasies. They're just not looking to put a name to it.



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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 8:39:40 AM   
HypnotistDom


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/16/2011
Status: offline
quote:

Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I asked some personal friends as well as some people on a "vanilla" forum to answer a survey about sexual favorites or fantasies.

Every single one of the replies had fantasies that were either of them being dominant or submissive. (except one woman who claimed she had none, never watched porn, never masterbated, and was basically better then everyone else that completed the survey. boo!)

These are people I have known and loved for years and they are just now admitting to me fantasies involving whips, being tied up, or making the other partner do whatever they want.

Has anyone else ever experienced someone who claimed to have a "normal" sexual appetite/to be "vanilla", but after divulging in their fantasies realizes they really want to play out sub/dom roles?

I'm beginning to think the sub/dom roles are just embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish.



I have long thought that most aspects of BDSM, especially D/s, sub/dom roles are quite normal and natural to us all, and the Vanillas simply follow societal programming better, and so reject, deny, sublimate, ignore or suppress such feelings or relegate them only to fantasy, making such Vanillas frequently quite "touchy" about the subject, lol.
There's a tremendous amount of information confirming this view.
And as society is more oriented toward reproductive sex for obvious reasons, thus anything varying from that is repressed, which can add to its allure, and create other kinds of pressures.
From Alfred Adler's replacement of Freud's sex and libido with a will to dominance (or the reverse) as the prime motivator in human life,
the various 'schools' of psychology have recognized these basic drives in us all and even carrying over to the animal kingdoms.
No matter how frowned upon or unacceptable to the mainstream of society, plenty of us choose to recognize and explore these areas more closely, throwing off the yoke of society's programming to ignore such things.
Certainly there will be varying levels of understanding and involvement, but long have the mores attempted to define as unnatural, perfectly natural urges.
That said, some take things quite a bit farther out, and certain types of fetishes and kink can be quite bizarre, this is true as well.

(in reply to LoveSparkie)
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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 8:52:06 AM   
SillyMan


Posts: 46
Joined: 9/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LoveSparkie

I'm beginning to think the sub/dom roles are just embedded in us and are completely natural versus just a fetish.


I'm inclined to agree.

Though not particularly sub/dom in the sense that might be employed here.

It's just the way it is.

One of the reasons the human is prepared to, and continues to: continually fuck itself over:
We have sport, competition, quiz show, war, globalisation, drinking games, consumerism, 'the economy', government, the church, and other stuff.

It's all about control, and we have none, my genes made me do it.

sm

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RE: Vanilla's that don't know their into Kink?? - 9/15/2011 9:16:16 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HypnotistDom

I have long thought that most aspects of BDSM, especially D/s, sub/dom roles are quite normal and natural to us all, and the Vanillas simply follow societal programming better, and so reject, deny, sublimate, ignore or suppress such feelings or relegate them only to fantasy, making such Vanillas frequently quite "touchy" about the subject, lol.
There's a tremendous amount of information confirming this view.
And as society is more oriented toward reproductive sex for obvious reasons, thus anything varying from that is repressed, which can add to its allure, and create other kinds of pressures.
From Alfred Adler's replacement of Freud's sex and libido with a will to dominance (or the reverse) as the prime motivator in human life,
the various 'schools' of psychology have recognized these basic drives in us all and even carrying over to the animal kingdoms.
No matter how frowned upon or unacceptable to the mainstream of society, plenty of us choose to recognize and explore these areas more closely, throwing off the yoke of society's programming to ignore such things.
Certainly there will be varying levels of understanding and involvement, but long have the mores attempted to define as unnatural, perfectly natural urges.
That said, some take things quite a bit farther out, and certain types of fetishes and kink can be quite bizarre, this is true as well.





I agree with all of the above, and thank the Hypnotist for saving my fingers the typing.

Welcome to the discussion side of CM, HypnotistDom. I think you may just be a keeper.




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