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sexyred1 -> RE: Anyone know what happens to the disillusioned men? (9/18/2011 11:17:42 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: roscho
I am in the middle chapters of a person in this sort of place. I knew I was sexually submissive from as soon as I discovered sexuality. As I've matured, I realize even some of my play as a young child - say 7 or 8 years old - was based in D/s undertones.
So, as I got older and tried to find dominant partners, I had zero success. So I waited until I was in my late 20's to really settle down. I married a woman who had to be dominant. She had professional and recreational traits that to me seemed to mean she might be dominant or at least inclined towards growing that way.
I was sadly mistaken. I tried for 10 years - she wouldn't have it - not even in the slightest. She wouldn't even study it from educational view to see if she could get a better understanding of what I was going through. It was simply a taboo that she wasn't willing to even consider.
I had a taboo of divorce - the inner shame - so I stayed married another 6 years until I felt I wouldn't be doing harm to our daughter's view of the world. Time will tell on that one I guess.
With my taboo of divorce, I also couldn't rationalize being unfaithful.
So that leaves me as a 45 year old guy who has had a fantasy world for 30 years. I realize I am a total newb at something that I've thought about almost daily for 3 decades. Maybe I will be that disillusioned guy. I worry I'll find a person I feel comfortable with, and wammo - this isn't anything like what I had created in my head.
I guess it probably comes down to finding a partner that you mesh with on several levels - There is a wide spectrum in the culture, and entering into an intimate relationship with a partner who you don't mesh well with will lead to failure. Then again, that is true in vanilla too. Like any successful endeavor, communication is key - there will often be disillusionment when there is a lack of open and honest communication. I think I rambled as I typed this out and thought into things a little more deeply. My apologies.
Here is a perfect example. Someone entered into a relationship projecting and hoping that the vanilla attributes she displayed meant she was sexually dominant. And she was not, so you stayed in an unfulfilling relationship for whatever reasons.
This happens to a lot of people. They fail at communication, fail at being honest about who and what they are, desire, are passionate about. They are so scared that they will turn off their prospective partner, that they simply neglect to be honest about this vital part of themselves and instead of asking point blank if someone would be interested in something, they project based on social behaviors.
All this is based in fear instead of honesty and openess.
What happens to the disillusioned out there is that you change the way you go about presenting yourself and the way you interpret others.
People rarely are as you have imagined them in your head. If you truly care about someone and yourself, you make create your own fantasies with someone, instead of trying to have them star in the ones you have held for so long on your own.
You can remain disillusioned or learn from your mistakes.
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