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Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 8:19:05 AM

ReachingOut7

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My girlfriend from a couple years ago was my first Domme. We never had a breakup fight or anything, she just stopped taking my calls after spending summer abroad. I don't want to be "that guy" who can't help but call up an ex. Then again, as a Domme, she wanted me to openly "over-saturate" her with attention, so maybe this would be flattery? As a Domme, how do you feel about getting a call, text, email from an ex-submissive out of the blue?

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 8:26:44 AM

SadisticMs2

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It depends on the motive behind it.

If it's just a "hey, how's life?" type thing, that's fine.

If it's a "hey, I hope to re-establish something", then that's annoying...it's over, and move on.

(in reply to ReachingOut7)

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 8:28:05 AM

crazyml

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I don't see the harm in it. What's the worst that could happen?

Now, it stands to reason that if she doesn't respond, then it's over... right? No phone calls, multiple emails, embarrassing incidents at her place of work, no stealing her knickers off the line, no injunctions, no shed in the woods, right?

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 8:35:35 AM

MissImmortalPain

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I have at least a friendly realationship with almost all of the ex's. So if it were one of mine a call wouldn't bother me at all. But I have never just stoped talking to one for no reason either. If she stoped speaking to you she more than likely had a reason for doing it. As suggested above you could send her a simple text to say hello. If she doesnt answer than you have yours. Though I would be almost willing to bet you know the answer already.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 9/16/2011 8:36:25 AM >

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 8:38:44 AM

ReachingOut7

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The reason I worry about doing it is I don't want to look pathetic and irritating, like SadisticMs2 alluded to. I still want her to respect me at the end of the day.
I know the typical woman finds this terribly annoying. I just wondered if, as a Domme who enjoyed higher than average levels of affection/attention, you think she would react differently?

(in reply to crazyml)

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 8:44:55 AM

crazyml

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I think it's likely that you'll find yourself in the "pathetic and irritating" category.

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 9:00:06 AM

ProlificNeeds

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I think she'll react like any person would. If you contact her wanting something, she'll feel put-upon. If you call her up just to say "Hey I thought I'd see how you were, and wondered if you'd ever like to hang out again." That's different. Re-establishing friendships is usually welcome, asking for more would be too much.

However, it has happened to me in the past that a partner and I simply 'drifted off' we stopped talking and seeing eachother without explination or real vocalized reason. Many months later when he happened across me in a coffee shop we got to talking, it was comfortable and welcome, and he asked me honestly, what exactly had happened. I didn't resent being asked for a little explination or closure on the matter, and we had a good healthy talk. If he had come back expecting to pick up again I probably would have felt pressured and never spoken to him again.

All you can really do is extend a hand in friendship, if she takes it maybe she's willing to talk about the past, if she doesn't you can say at least you made the effort to be friendly. No one can have too many friends in life.

(in reply to crazyml)

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 9:11:51 AM

LadyPact

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If you can do it from the friend aspect, rather than the ex-submissive aspect, it's fine. Don't do it from the 'oh, I miss serving you' or 'I miss you so much' aspects. In fact, I'd suggest leaving references to the past out all together, especially those that are focused on kink or sex.

One other suggestion. Do it once. After that, if she wants you in her life as a friend, she'll call you.

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 9:55:02 AM

CeriseNin

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If you're looking to rekindle the romance, then my advice is not to phone her. However, if you always liked her as a person and wonder how she is, I don't see the harm in giving her a ring and catching up on things. Just don't do any of the 'remember when...' crap.

(in reply to ReachingOut7)

Post #: 9

RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 9:56:51 AM

LadyHibiscus

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If you want to just say "Howsit", then go ahead. Leave any response up to her. No photos no follow ups, nothing. Sometimes folks drift apart for no real reason, other times they stop calling because they wanted to stop calling.

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 10:00:42 AM

littlewonder

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I'm not a domme but I've had ex boyfriends call me out of the blue.

It was just freakish and uncomfortable. When a relationship ends for me, it ends. There's no going back and there's rarely anything left for us to even keep in contact. If you kept in contact from the beginning then imo you stayed friends and it's fine but after a certain amount of time it just feels awkward and desperate and like you're just calling to get your freak on again.

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 10:31:50 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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I say be a fool, risk looking silly and throw caution to the wind. Unless you are very emo and rejection sends you spiraling into madness. In which case, I'd say my answer depended on whether or not you are terribly artistic. Strong angsty emotions can be the catalyst for some splendid artistic works!

While I do believe that we have certain windows of opportunities, where relationships either happen or they don't - I also believe that windows were designed to be OPENED. If the relationship is worth anything, it is worth risking your pride over.

Just remember, no answer is an answer and pursuing someone who isn't responsive - is stalking. Stalking, is BAD!

WinD

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 12

RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 10:33:19 AM

LadyHibiscus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I say be a fool, risk looking silly and throw caution to the wind. Unless you are very emo and rejection sends you spiraling into madness. In which case, I'd say my answer depended on whether or not you are terribly artistic. Strong angsty emotions can be the catalyst for some splendid artistic works!

While I do believe that we have certain windows of opportunities, where relationships either happen or they don't - I also believe that windows were designed to be OPENED. If the relationship is worth anything, it is worth risking your pride over.

Just remember, no answer is an answer and pursuing someone who isn't responsive - is stalking. Stalking, is BAD!WinD

Highlighted for TRUTH!

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 10:45:19 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'm not a domme but I've had ex boyfriends call me out of the blue.

It was just freakish and uncomfortable. When a relationship ends for me, it ends. There's no going back and there's rarely anything left for us to even keep in contact. If you kept in contact from the beginning then imo you stayed friends and it's fine but after a certain amount of time it just feels awkward and desperate and like you're just calling to get your freak on again.

in my experience, almost ANY breakup leaves wounded feelings. Sometimes, time and space is needed to get past the wounds and allow each person to regroup/remember what was good about the ex.

I am in fairly regular contact with a couple of my exes, once we got past the anger and hurt stages.

I WAS in contact with others, until their newer relationships took over (and I dont mean that in a BAD way).

I can think of only one relationship I've had past my teen years that I hope to god I never have contact with again...

OP: heed the advice given.. no response/dont be stalkerish/open with "hey! ltns, hope you're well" kinda stuff...

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 10:49:25 AM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
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"Wondering how you've been? Care to be in touch again? No expectations, honest!"

Do it unobtrusively via email or text, not on the phone. No reply = no.

(in reply to ReachingOut7)

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 10:51:02 AM

tolovetolaugh

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I think it helps if when you were with her if you had common interests outside of sex/BDSM.
If you have common hobbies there is a chance at friendship, if not you might find emptiness and when you try to talk. Lots of awkward silences.
If she even responds.

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 11:04:45 AM

Rochsub2009

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ReachingOut7

My girlfriend from a couple years ago was my first Domme. We never had a breakup fight or anything, she just stopped taking my calls after spending summer abroad.

IMO, it's a bad sign anytime a woman stops taking your calls. Something usually causes that, even if she doesn't tell you what it was.

But having said that, I must admit that I have found myself missing ex-Dommes before, and that I have even reached out to a few of them.

Whenever I've done that, I always make sure to approach her more as a friend than as a potential lover. I usually write something like, "Hi. I was just thinking about You, and so I decided to write to see how you're doing. What's new?"

I always keep it short. If she responds, then it opens the door for further conversation. If she doesn't respond, then I assume that she's not interested in reconnecting, and I let it go.

(in reply to ReachingOut7)

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 11:21:49 AM

WinsomeDefiance

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I don't know if it is just a guy thing, a line of bull, or whatever, but every guy I've been with (granted that's a small #) has contacted me later and said some version of: "I didn't know what I had," "I miss you," "I wish I'd treated you better." Maybe guys are more prone toward nostalgia and reminiscing? Or just more prone to keep my number in their black book? I don't know, but I have wondered about it.

I have good relationships with all of my ex relationships, except for one, we tend to call each other up every so often just to see how the other is doing - do lunch, hang out for a bit etc.. Sometimes I wonder if the phone call from the reminiscing ex is just common place.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 11:22:39 AM

Lockit

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I haven't ended a bf/gf relationship in the manner this domina did, so I have a very different take on this than she might. I wouldn't do things that way, so my response may not be the same as hers could be.

Unless I have told someone never to contact me again... which I am not sure I have ever said to anyone that was an actual boyfriend... if he contacted me, I would not be happy. If I disrespected someone so much that I would ignore them like that... there would have had to have been something very bad going on. I would wonder though... if I had treated someone like that... why they would even want to talk to me. That might set off a red flag of some sort, if I didn't stop to think how I had treated him in the first place. Which I would think would fall in line as something a person might do, if they could treat someone like that.

I love touching base with ex's. If I loved them at one time, there is surely going to be at least some feelings of caring for them, for life. Of course I want to hear from them. I wouldn't ever go back to them in a romantic relationship, but I would care enough to catch up with them and share how we each are doing.

In your situation... I just don't get it from start to finish, to this point of wanting to talk to her unless you are still trying to resolve something that happened a long time ago or wanted something from it. You didn't get communication before, you may not again, but then she may have seen her error or be open to discussing it with you. I don't know. Just don't count on it going any direction... don't have expectations.

< Message edited by Lockit -- 9/16/2011 11:24:24 AM >

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RE: Calling up an old flame (Domme) - 9/16/2011 11:27:17 AM

LadyHibiscus

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There's only one ex that I never want to hear from again, and he has stayed away from his following-me-on-the-web stuff for the better part of this year. The others, hey, no hard feelings, hope life's treating them well, say howdy on the Facebook.

I do think that men are more nostalgic about relationships than women, except in the case of marriages ending in widowhood perhaps. Men are more nostalgic about those younger days exploits, too. It's just a thing, and it's fun to say hi, as long as it's just that.

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