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How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:11:53 AM

OaklandBoss

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/19/2011
Status: offline

I'm in an open relationship with a woman and our sex life is fine. I consider myself to be dominate in the bedroom. I know how to fuck hard, slow, pull hair, hold their hands behind their head, tie them up and tie them down. But this woman that I'm seeing is having very hot sex with another guy. And he seems to be more naturally dominate. A little bit of choking (Which she finds hot because she wants him to stop but at the same time doesn't want to tell him that for fear that he might become more tame which drives her wild because it makes her more submissive to him), a lot of dirty talk (Which I feel awkward doing and I could use suggestions on how to improve that), and the fact that he uses her like an object (Because his girlfriend is living in another state and I'm living in another state from this girl so they use each other like sex objects). And she has really hot sex with him. I would like to know if there are any tricks our ways of thinking that I could use to make myself more dominate? So that our sex life would improve as well. Suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:19:54 AM

Endivius

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline

Dominant, not dominate.

Go outside to your front yard, and yell at a tree for an hour. Use every expletive possible, make sure you tell the tree how you plan to fuck it; be descriptive. Do not focus on the neighbors taking pictures or the passerbys laughing at you, focus on the tree. if you are not now free to say whatever you want in the bedroom without feeling like a dumbass, nothing can cure you.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 2

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:26:31 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

First, start using the word Dominant. If you try to keep telling her "I am your dominate" it's really not going to help your cause.

If she likes choking, that is something that I suggest you learn about in your local BDSM community. There's a lot of debate over whether or not it is a safe activity, so you want to learn about it where you can be taught such things as not crushing the windpipe.

On the talking dirty to her issue, that's something that you can get more comfortable with as you practice. Since you have distance between you, there is a perfect opportunity for this when you have phone conversations. (Remember that not all times and places are good for this.) Three tips. The words "I am dominate" should never pass your lips other than a joke. You should not try to be exactly like the other guy with what you say. Work your way up in comfort levels.

I happen to be in the camp that how Dominant you are has much less to do with your ability to fuck fast or slow (can't everybody do that?) and more about your mental attitude, authority, and control. Tap into the latter and you'll have greater success.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 3

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:31:51 AM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

Ideally you're going to want to become a different person. If the one you are now isn't as dominant as you like, you're going to need to be someone who is. As to how to do that... I dunno. How does anyone change themselves? Read, travel, commit crimes, have scandalous affairs. Climb a mountain, maybe. Hunt water buffalo with a broadsword and eat their hearts to gain their strength, if you're into that kind of thing. Short of something life-altering, though, you are pretty much as dominant as you'll ever be by the time you hit maturity. Techniques won't make you dominant. They might make you confident, but dominance is a personality trait. You may as well be coming in here asking us to make you more kind. You either are or you aren't.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to Endivius)

Post #: 4

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:48:17 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

HellIfIKnow how to be more domly. I came outta the womb barking orders. It just comes natural to me.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to Epytropos)

Post #: 5

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:50:54 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

Welcome to CollarMe, OaklandBoss. Sounds like you are having a lot of fun improving your sex life with kinky play.

If you want to learn what the rest of us have been up to so you can see what you like and what you don't, I would recommend going to Amazon or eBay and getting The Loving Dominant by John Warren; SM 101 by Jay Wiseman; and maybe Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon.

Have fun.

If you don't know how to find BDSM munch groups in your area, then send me a letter and I will help.

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 6

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 12:51:50 AM

OaklandBoss

Posts: 6
Joined: 9/19/2011
Status: offline

Thank you all for the feed back. I will do my best to spell "Dominant"correctly in future postings. And the comedy was appreciated as well. I have changed my personality on a few occasions before and each time I've liked more the person that I've become. What books can I read or material that I can go over or even tips to help me change my mental attitude, authority, control, etc over this aspect of my life?

(in reply to Epytropos)

Post #: 7

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 1:27:45 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Here's the link to the book list.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 8

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 1:41:25 AM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

The padawan thing is doing it for me lol. You remind me of someone I mentored... anyway, I've never read any of the official BDSM texts outside of stuff like the Marquis de Sade and Venus in Furs, so if you want a direct line I'm not your man, though I've seen the things Cynthia linked here and elsewhere several times so if you're a believer in democracy they're probably a good bet. Indirect stuff, on the other hand, THAT I can most definitely do. These are books which I think had an impact on me as a dom and as a person. I might be wrong, and I'm probably revealing more of myself here than is tactful, but here goes nothing.

The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
Brave New World by Alduous Huxley
Babylon Revisited by F Scott Fitzgerald
Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez

There are no doubt others. These are the ones that spring immediately to mind. I think every book I read affects me somehow. These, though, I think had a more direct effect on me as a dom than did others. They might help you, they might not. I don't know you well enough to say. ***It should be noted that I would not say that any of these made me more or less of a dom. They merely impacted my philosophy of the role. While I probably have become more domly in the time I've spent in the lifestyle, that's probably more a function of time than reading materials.***

Anyway, you seem well-intentioned so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here. I've seen people make more drastic changes with sufficient motivation. Good luck with your journey. Feel free to message me to discuss the literature, incidentally - I've quite run out of people to do that with and I'm on the point of starting a reading group and officially turning into my mother...

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 9

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 3:46:07 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OaklandBoss

I'm in an open relationship with a woman and our sex life is fine. I consider myself to be dominate in the bedroom. I know how to fuck hard, slow, pull hair, hold their hands behind their head, tie them up and tie them down. But this woman that I'm seeing is having very hot sex with another guy. And he seems to be more naturally dominate. A little bit of choking (Which she finds hot because she wants him to stop but at the same time doesn't want to tell him that for fear that he might become more tame which drives her wild because it makes her more submissive to him), a lot of dirty talk (Which I feel awkward doing and I could use suggestions on how to improve that), and the fact that he uses her like an object (Because his girlfriend is living in another state and I'm living in another state from this girl so they use each other like sex objects). And she has really hot sex with him. I would like to know if there are any tricks our ways of thinking that I could use to make myself more dominate? So that our sex life would improve as well. Suggestions?

It seems to me that the way to be more dominant with her is to NOT try to do the things that she enjoys with someone else. You'd be much better off focusing on doing the things that you want to explore (remember, you are the dominant in the relationship so you get to make the decisions of what, where, when, why and how). It will be much more natural instead of you trying to be a clone of the other guy.

_____________________________

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 10

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 3:54:54 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

I was dominant even as a child not by actions but my thoughts
certainly had me going nuts! By being in control of the boys I did not act on it becasue I
did not know what the hell was going on! It is true it is in you! read ,
read and read!

mons

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 11

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 4:00:22 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OaklandBoss

I'm in an open relationship with a woman and our sex life is fine. I consider myself to be dominate in the bedroom. I know how to fuck hard, slow, pull hair, hold their hands behind their head, tie them up and tie them down. But this woman that I'm seeing is having very hot sex with another guy. And he seems to be more naturally dominate. A little bit of choking (Which she finds hot because she wants him to stop but at the same time doesn't want to tell him that for fear that he might become more tame which drives her wild because it makes her more submissive to him), a lot of dirty talk (Which I feel awkward doing and I could use suggestions on how to improve that), and the fact that he uses her like an object (Because his girlfriend is living in another state and I'm living in another state from this girl so they use each other like sex objects). And she has really hot sex with him. I would like to know if there are any tricks our ways of thinking that I could use to make myself more dominate? So that our sex life would improve as well. Suggestions?

Lol, I think she has you trained just the way she likes her men, with something a little different from each....

You could always be content just being yourself (random bodily fluid transfers et al) but that'd probably come across as dominant. <shrugs>

I can't be bothered looking; are you young?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to OaklandBoss)

Post #: 12

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 4:05:45 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

First, start using the word Dominant. If you try to keep telling her "I am your dominate" it's really not going to help your cause.

In his defense, he never really had a chance with that avatar.... lol

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 13

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 4:46:52 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm having a hard time with this on several levels. I keep reading this as what it's asking, which is how to be more Dominant. But I think what you're really asking is, where can I find more bedroom tricks?

Join the local groups and go to play parties. See what they're doing, and whether it turns and your gf you on. If so, ask about it (AFTER the scene is over), and add to your repertoire.

Just a clarification: a Dominant is one that assumes control, in and out of the bedroom. You're a bedroom Dom, or Top.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 14

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 5:25:25 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

A lot of people here see 'dominant' as a personality trait, whereas you seem to be asking for bedroom tips on hot sex. Entirely different subject matter depending on context. Maybe half the problem is, the other guy is also dominant in personality outside the bedroom, and that's part of what attracts her to him. Or maybe she's just reciting everything he does to her to make you envious?

If I've learned one thing it's never compare yourself to others, there's always going to be someone better (in someone elses view anyway).

So just ask HER what sort of kinks she's really into and focus on those. Being bossy in the bedroom is easy, mind reading is not. You could be the domliest dom that ever was and stillfail your objective if you don't ask her what things turn her crank... and she won't be able to tell you if she just feeds you vague 'be more dominant' lines either. You both need to get down to some more specifics.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 15

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 5:33:14 AM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

Damn you words! Why must you mean things!

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 16

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 5:36:13 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

If you're Dominant enough, the words cater to you.
------------------------

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.”
    “The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
    “The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master      that’s all.”
    Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again. “They’ve a temper, some of them—particularly verbs, they’re the proudest—adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs—however, I can manage the whole lot! Impenetrability! That’s what I say!”[15]

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Epytropos)

Post #: 17

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 5:37:12 AM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Endivius

Dominant, not dominate.

Go outside to your front yard, and yell at a tree for an hour. Use every expletive possible, make sure you tell the tree how you plan to fuck it; be descriptive. Do not focus on the neighbors taking pictures or the passerbys laughing at you, focus on the tree. if you are not now free to say whatever you want in the bedroom without feeling like a dumbass, nothing can cure you.

Just how much wood do you think a woodchuck can chuck?!

I'm keeping a very close eye on my neighbor from now on.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to Endivius)

Post #: 18

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 7:13:51 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

First, Dominate is a verb. You cannot be a verb.

Next, being dominant is a personality trait. You're either born with it or not.

Third, there's a difference between dominance and domineering. Many people who try to be more dominant when they're not, end up putting themselves into the second category.

Lastly, while being dominant is personality trait, being A Dominant is a learned skill.

You're not looking to be a Dominant, you're looking for kinky bedroom sex. There are several books on techniques, read some of them.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 19

RE: How to be more dominant. - 9/20/2011 7:31:03 AM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
You cannot be a verb.

What if you're a sanction?

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 20

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