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There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 7:19:14 PM

MyTrustIsEarned

Posts: 3
Joined: 5/14/2006
Status: offline

I am seeking advise from subs (and Doms) that have been in the lifestyle for a while - I am a true "newbie" and I have just recently started seekng out other subs for advise/mentoring. I am finding the act of gathering advise/support from other subs to be a rather daunting task. I have e-mailed several BDSM organizaitons in my area - as well as some sub groups on the net - requesting information or contact from local subs - but I received only "Come to the munch" and "are you a memeber" replies.

I am not certain that I am ready for the "munch" yet. (SMILE) I am, however, quite curious about this wonderful new discovery of the Dom/Sub lifestyle and how it can positively impact my life. I have seen and read things on the net that were not my kink and and made me question what I am doing - but I HAVE to believe that there are happy, emotionally healthy, educated people living this lifestyle. Are you one of them? If so, I would really love to hear your positive experience in this lifestyle and any wisdom you might impart. Remember someone took the time to mentor you - one day I will get to do the same.

Post #: 1

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 7:22:55 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

If you're ready to REALLY become yourself and gain knowledge and experience, then you're ready to go to a munch.

I can't give any better advice than that to you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 2

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 7:28:29 PM

Vancouver_cinful

Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyTrustIsEarned
I have seen and read things on the net that were not my kink and and made me question what I am doing - but I HAVE to believe that there are happy, emotionally healthy, educated people living this lifestyle. Are you one of them? If so, I would really love to hear your positive experience in this lifestyle and any wisdom you might impart. Remember someone took the time to mentor you - one day I will get to do the same.

You will never really be sure of this, until you get out and actually meet people who do this in real life, so you can judge for yourself how happy, emotionally healthy, and educated they are.

Go to a munch is the answer you keep getting simply because it is the answer. Perhaps you need to ask yourself exactly why you feel you aren't ready.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:

My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 3

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 7:36:40 PM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

echo:
Get to a munch.

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)

Post #: 4

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 7:43:19 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I agree. You know how to eat, don't you? Well, then, you're ready!

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

Post #: 5

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 8:58:33 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

I agree. You know how to eat, don't you? Well, then, you're ready!

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Go in, order, talk, eat, talk some more. Be amazed at how "not weird" everyone is.

_____________________________

www.lovingdominant.org

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 6

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 10:51:12 PM

mayapple

Posts: 22
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline

I've managed to form several sub friendships without ever going to a munch. If you don't feel ready for a munch, fine; no problem. I can understand that.

But if you want to make one friend at a time, I suggest you look for and approach one friend at a time, rather than contacting organizations and sites.

The way I made sub friends and found mentors (of sorts) was by reading posts and profiles and dropping notes to subs who seemed similar to me in outlook or life circumstances... people whose support and advice I thought I would be likely to find helpful. I ran searches on profiles here on collarme to find subs who lived in my general area (or at least my state) when I wanted to meet some subs in person. But I was also happy to make several online sub friends.

Some of the subs I contacted had not formed many or any female sub friendships online and some seemed quite surprised to hear from a female sub, but all welcomed me and some I have come to regard as true friends. Some have provided very helpful support and guidance. Some of my sub friends are not permitted much "free time" by their Doms, so we only chat or write sporadically and must make the most of the opportunities.

May I also make a modest suggestion about your profile? Right now it's all about what you want... which might seem like a "duh" to you... but if you are genuinely interested in exploring your submissiveness in a D/s relationship, you might consider humbler aspirations. For instance, you say: "The Dom that I desire is content focusing all of his attention on me." Quite likely a Dom would prefer that all of your attention be focused on him. The amount of attention your future Dom will give you will be his decision, of course, and it is possible some Doms might read your profile and think, "This one's too needy/greedy." What can you bring of yourself to the relationship? That's what he might want to know. (For instance, eagerness to learn is always a good thing...)

mayapple

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 7

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 11:12:18 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

Are you one of them? If so, I would really love to hear your positive experience in this lifestyle and any wisdom you might impart. Remember someone took the time to mentor you - one day I will get to do the same.

This is so broad in scope that it's difficult to sit down and answer. Perhaps if you narrowed things a bit, some may be able to share specifics positives that more closely relate to what you are searching for yourself.

I mean, I can do 5 pages easy on the joys of needle play and the positive impact it's had on my life.. or can go on endlessly about my experiences in living an M/s relationship. The problem is, needles may be a hard limit for you and from your profile, it sounds like you're looking more for D/s than M/s, so anything I might have to say on the subject won't relate.

Care to narrow the scope a bit so the feedback you get is actually worthwhile?

Oh.. and go to a munch or three.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 8

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/22/2006 11:16:38 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

I know you want advice from experience...BUT, I'm a "newbie" too...Ask your questions here..you will get a mixed bag, but you can take from it all that helps and clarifies things for you.

Like LA said - what's the harm in testing the waters at a munch? Be yourself - see what happens.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 9

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 12:47:19 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline

i know exactly how you feel.. i was in your position not that long ago really. i read about it.. thought it was interesting.. but.. even from reading the net.. didn't have a clue. i didn't know how different what each person wanted was.. how many variations there were.. i wasn't sure where i fit in.

i had imagined in my head.. exactly how i the first time would be.. probably a million times before it happened. Boy, was i surprised.. when that hand grabbed my hair and slapped me across the face. Now, even though it turned out.. i love it.. i found out.. that should probably be discussed beforehand. i was a bit too anxious to just jump right in. i didn't do it in the safest way.. so now.. i urge every new sub/slave to NOT do what i did.. but to be smarter about it.

i know you aren't ready for the munches..but it's not because you aren't really "ready".. you are just nervous.. probably a bit scared of actually meeting ppl involved... this is a big step..and a lot goes with it.. not just the sex. Take your time..but.. sometimes know.. you may just have to leap a bit.. get your feet wet by even just talking to living breathing Masters/Doms/Daddies/subs/slaves. If you haven't done so.. even go to a store.. feel a flogger.. the cuffs.. get an idea of what to expect.

Before you meet for "play" just make sure you take the proper steps of safety.. tell where you are.. get a name.. address.. phn number.. have a safety call or two lined up. Then.. after all of the mundane details.. my biggest advice.. ENJOY IT!

P.S. If you ever want to talk.. just email me.. i would be happy to help any way i can. See.. we don't all bite ; )

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 10

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 12:54:39 AM

MsMacComb

Posts: 808
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: My Mothers womb.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MyTrustIsEarned

I am seeking advise from subs (and Doms) that have been in the lifestyle for a while - I am a true "newbie" and I have just recently started seekng out other subs for advise/mentoring. I am finding the act of gathering advise/support from other subs to be a rather daunting task. I have e-mailed several BDSM organizaitons in my area - as well as some sub groups on the net - requesting information or contact from local subs - but I received only "Come to the munch" and "are you a memeber" replies.

I am not certain that I am ready for the "munch" yet. (SMILE) I am, however, quite curious about this wonderful new discovery of the Dom/Sub lifestyle and how it can positively impact my life. I have seen and read things on the net that were not my kink and and made me question what I am doing - but I HAVE to believe that there are happy, emotionally healthy, educated people living this lifestyle. Are you one of them? If so, I would really love to hear your positive experience in this lifestyle and any wisdom you might impart. Remember someone took the time to mentor you - one day I will get to do the same.

Munches are like everything else, some are good, some may not be. And they are not something that everyone is into. Before just deciding to go to one you may ask yourself what your expecations are and what you hope to gain from attending one. If you have a particular kink and type of person you are seeking and the theme of the people that are "munching" is not to your tastes it may be not only a waste of time but a real turn off.

_____________________________

Not looking for anyone for anything, any time.

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 11

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 1:19:25 AM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

If you're ready to REALLY become yourself and gain knowledge and experience, then you're ready to go to a munch.

I can't give any better advice than that to you.

I second what LA said. The idea of going to a real time meeting of BDSM people is scary as hell the first time you do it. No matter how long you wait, it won't get less scary.

Back during the Paleolithic Era (1988) when BDSM groups were just starting to get off the ground in this neck of the desert, I finally screwed up the nerve to go to a gathering. (Munches hadn't even been invented then.) My greatest fear was that somebody there would recognize me. After sitting in the parking lot for twenty minutes or so, I finally got my courage up enough to go knock on the door.

It was answered by a guy I knew from work. My first thougth was a terrified, "Oh my God, he knows I'm here!" My second thought was a calming, "And I know he is, too." After that, it was no problem.

At munches, nobody spots the new person and drags her off to his dungeon. Nobody "claims" you as his property. Nobody will auction you off. Nobody will strap you to a chair and give you the third degree, intergating you about your interests. What happens at munches is a bunch of the most ordinary looking people you'll ever see, have dinner together, shoot the breeze and make friends with one another. Some of the talk will revolve around BDSM. Most of it revolves around normal, everyday life.

The only thing that cures the "first timer" fear, but is totally effective in doing so, is actually going. So go. And if by chance you run into somebody you know there, just remember, she's there for the same reason you are.

To paraphrase Joe Biden, "The only thing you have to fear is fear itself."

< Message edited by HarryVanWinkle -- 5/23/2006 1:38:27 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 12

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 3:48:07 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mayapple

May I also make a modest suggestion about your profile? Right now it's all about what you want... which might seem like a "duh" to you... but if you are genuinely interested in exploring your submissiveness in a D/s relationship, you might consider humbler aspirations. For instance, you say: "The Dom that I desire is content focusing all of his attention on me." Quite likely a Dom would prefer that all of your attention be focused on him. The amount of attention your future Dom will give you will be his decision, of course, and it is possible some Doms might read your profile and think, "This one's too needy/greedy." What can you bring of yourself to the relationship? That's what he might want to know. (For instance, eagerness to learn is always a good thing...)

mayapple

(in reply to mayapple)

Post #: 13

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 4:24:33 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

i agree with what everyone has written about going to the munch, but i also understand that the first time can be scary. i don't know the specific groups in your area, but you might want to see if any of them have a more vanilla first meetings (though munches can range from extremely vanilla where it is nothing but sitting down to dinner to more discussion based ones). The group that i was a member of in SC used to do meet and greets where we would get together and go bowling or play pool and have some dinner. One of the groups that has contacted you may do a similar thing, ask them, if such a first time would be more comfortable to you than a munch.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 14

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 4:59:24 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mayapple

I've managed to form several sub friendships without ever going to a munch. If you don't feel ready for a munch, fine; no problem. I can understand that.

But if you want to make one friend at a time, I suggest you look for and approach one friend at a time, rather than contacting organizations and sites.

The way I made sub friends and found mentors (of sorts) was by reading posts and profiles and dropping notes to subs who seemed similar to me in outlook or life circumstances... people whose support and advice I thought I would be likely to find helpful. I ran searches on profiles here on collarme to find subs who lived in my general area (or at least my state) when I wanted to meet some subs in person. But I was also happy to make several online sub friends.

Some of the subs I contacted had not formed many or any female sub friendships online and some seemed quite surprised to hear from a female sub, but all welcomed me and some I have come to regard as true friends. Some have provided very helpful support and guidance. Some of my sub friends are not permitted much "free time" by their Doms, so we only chat or write sporadically and must make the most of the opportunities.

May I also make a modest suggestion about your profile? Right now it's all about what you want... which might seem like a "duh" to you... but if you are genuinely interested in exploring your submissiveness in a D/s relationship, you might consider humbler aspirations. For instance, you say: "The Dom that I desire is content focusing all of his attention on me." Quite likely a Dom would prefer that all of your attention be focused on him. The amount of attention your future Dom will give you will be his decision, of course, and it is possible some Doms might read your profile and think, "This one's too needy/greedy." What can you bring of yourself to the relationship? That's what he might want to know. (For instance, eagerness to learn is always a good thing...)

mayapple

Call me crazy, but I think each should focus all of their attention on each other. It's rather lopsided any other way.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to mayapple)

Post #: 15

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 6:41:11 AM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

I find myself in the exact situation as you....I did however attend (well kind of) a munch....I was to shy/scared....to approach the group...so I sat away from them at the bar...some drunk started hitting on me...so I left....

This past week I meet two Doms from of this site....both were very nice...good looking...succesful...smart....but spoke of things that...like you being new to this whole lifestyle....I am not sure of or at this point (unexplored)....
I have come to the conclusion that I need someone with patience....that I am in no hurry at this point to find a Dom or be owned....I am enjoying the whole learning process...and well the dinner and drinks with the date are an added incentive too....
I wish us both luck...and if you find the answer...could you let me know too....

(in reply to MyTrustIsEarned)

Post #: 16

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 7:01:22 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

There is a "group" in my city; and at least two nightclubs which host fetish nights. i have had no luck finding a submissive to attend the group with me; and i am hoping to attend a fetish event soon with a switch friend. i don't have alot of funds and have no clue what to wear; think i'll go just nicely dressed and leave it at that.

candystripper

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 17

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 7:03:21 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I understand. Socials and munches can be overwhelming. I remember feeling like fresh meat thrown into the lions cage. The behavior of some Dominants was down right rude and unsettling. After that, I always went with a friend and used a few platonic friend Dominants as a wall.

I do feel that actually being involved in community will give you a better idea of what exists. But, some groups are better than others.

You're welcome to contact me anytime. I'm happy to help.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 18

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 7:03:57 AM

mayapple

Posts: 22
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline

quote:

from me: "The Dom that I desire is content focusing all of his attention on me." Quite likely a Dom would prefer that all of your attention be focused on him.

quote:

from feastie:
Call me crazy, but I think each should focus all of their attention on each other. It's rather lopsided any other way.

I tend to agree, but this is her profile and I was hoping to get her started thinking about a somewhat different mindset rather than to divert the discussion too much from her original question. It would be a good topic for a new thread though, wouldn't it?

When my Dom and I found each other, I didn't know what I wanted. I wasn't even looking for a Dom at that point, but he was so attentive online that I found myself drawn in. I count myself very lucky to have a Dom who puts my needs before his own, even as I try to put his before mine. It is wonderful to find that we both get our needs met best this way. It's really all about two-way giving, even as some of it is inevitably about taking.

mayapple

(in reply to feastie)

Post #: 19

RE: There is a First Time for Everything - 5/23/2006 7:04:34 AM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

My Owner and myself have only gotten into the "public scene" within the past 6 months or so. When we went to our very first munch, we were terrified. I was worried, because I wear a pretty obvious collar and worried people would treat me badly or ignore me. He was worried becuase he thought perhaps therewould be expectations on him that he was supposed to live up to.

We got there, though, and had a great time. It was a bunch of nice people just -talking-, about both vanilla -and- kinky stuff. There isn't a whole lot of courage necessary, I think. We weren't asked anything uncomfortable, or made to feel akward or excluded. I think had we known what it would be like, we would have gotten out a lot sooner.

'cause of htis, I strongly advocate people getting out to local group meetings. Admitedly, I'm only judging by my experience, but still...

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 20

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