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Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:19:24 PM

shysub4152

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline

I just started exploring the lifestyle and I have met an interesting man on ALT. We have been emailing for a few days and he has been teaching me alot about the submissive/dominant relationship. I have followed his basic commands or requests, because I am genuinely interested in him and pursuing this lifestyle....however, he has just assumed he is my DOM and I am now wondering if this isn't usually a more formal decision on both parts and if this isn't a bit soon? At this point, I am not even sure what he is looking for....what he desires/expects from me and this "relationship"... And he has been living the lifestyle for years....he is way ahead of me in terms of knowledge and experience.

He seems very intelligent, and kind while firm....and I am totally interested in exploring this further. He has been patient on the things that I am uncomfortable with....such as I don't yet want to talk on the phone. Not for lack of interest....just totally nervous and he understands I need to work up to that.

Would love some advice or input from others as this is my first experience with ALT, the lifestyle, etc...and I don't know what to expect

Post #: 1

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:25:28 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

After a few days? Hmmm... I would say its a bit soon, especially in light of you saying you dont know what his desires or expectations are. I would be up front and honest. If he cant handle your pace, then maybe he isnt the one for you.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 2

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:29:36 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

What kind of commands and requests are you adhering to?

Just as in any relationship, you cannot forget everything known to you in any type of relationship, based on a few days of knowing someone. The lifestyle for lack of a better word you might relate to, isn't something that is done certain ways by all. How he can teach you, is based only on what he says it is and wants.

Do you go to a bar and jump right in with a man? The quick hook up, is what you have done with this guy and by doing as he says to any degree... you have given him permission to assume, continue and go forward. You are sending mixed messages in obeying or some would claim... showing respect for position based on interests... but you wish to reserve that dom status he seems to be claiming.

Time to examine this, him, yourself, what you want and communicate that. I think it odd when a skilled dominant picks or finds a submissive within days and starts ordering them about and going as far as he has. In my opinion, you both are out of order and that leads to messy little dramas. Yet, that is my take on it all.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 3

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:34:21 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

I just started exploring the lifestyle and I have met an interesting man on ALT. We have been emailing for a few days and he has been teaching me alot about the submissive/dominant relationship. I have followed his basic commands or requests, because I am genuinely interested in him and pursuing this lifestyle....however, he has just assumed he is my DOM and I am now wondering if this isn't usually a more formal decision on both parts and if this isn't a bit soon? At this point, I am not even sure what he is looking for....what he desires/expects from me and this "relationship"... And he has been living the lifestyle for years....he is way ahead of me in terms of knowledge and experience.

He seems very intelligent, and kind while firm....and I am totally interested in exploring this further. He has been patient on the things that I am uncomfortable with....such as I don't yet want to talk on the phone. Not for lack of interest....just totally nervous and he understands I need to work up to that.

Would love some advice or input from others as this is my first experience with ALT, the lifestyle, etc...and I don't know what to expect

Just for clarification's sake, has he stated to you specifically that he is your dominant now? Or has he guided you down that sort of path here and there to feel things out, and you are assuming he is thinking he is your dominant?

Important because if it's the former, then no...he isn't your dominant, and if he is as experienced as he says he is, he would know that. If it's the latter, then I don't see any harm in him taking that role to test your reaction, and his...within reason, of course.

I would be a little bit nervous about not really knowing what he's looking for. Don't be afraid to ask questions to see if you and he are a fit for a relationship both inside and outside of BDSM (assuming a relationship is what you want).

Also...and maybe this is just me....no matter who he is, I wouldn't want to be scared of him. It seems like you are slightly intimidated by him. While there may be times that could come in handy, I think that the first few days of getting to know you should be when he's trying to make you feel most comfortable.

And finally - you won't know until you meet him. Guard yourself a bit until then.

(.....said the skeptic.)

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 4

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:36:22 PM

thishereboi

Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

Would love some advice or input from others as this is my first experience with ALT, the lifestyle, etc...and I don't know what to expect

Personally I wouldn't call someone my dom until I had met them in real life and developed a relationship. For him to assume you are his because he has emailed you a few times and told you what to do online raises all kinds of red wanker flags for me.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert

This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 5

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:38:18 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I can't say whether this is okay or not based on what little you've posted. If he's giving you sexual orders, I'd say it's too early. If he's simply giving you orders like bedtimes, just to see how you react,it could be helping you explore.

Are you interested in working with him just to find out about your own submissiveness and the lifestyle in general, or would you like to pursue something with him?

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 6

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:38:22 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

Okay ... you've known this man for a few days.

What this guy is at this point is an internet stranger. Ask yourself ----> why would I do something for a stranger I know nothing about?

Sure---> he can say hes a Dom or Master till he's blue in the face. Does that make it so? If he claimed he was Jesus Christ ---> would you believe that also?

Are you that desperate? Bored? Is this a productive thing to do?

You need to slow it down and know who youre dealing with before you start taking orders from somone you know NADA about.
Whats with the insta relationships these days? Why doesnt anyone want to get to know someone before they commit their lives to someone. Fucking wierd.

Attachment (1)

< Message edited by JanahX -- 10/2/2011 3:40:10 PM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 7

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:40:56 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

Wonderful question, let's see what I can do.

First, I agree his assumption that he is your dom is a red flag, so well spotted. BDSM relationships are like any other, you get to both agree to it, and there is not a thing wrong (actually I highly recommended it) with having a lengthy get to know period if that is what keeps you comfortable.

He know you are new, building trust and not pulling you out of your comfort zone too soon should be paramount to him.

There are many who hold the point of view that as long as it is online only, it is not a "real" relationship. For some this means anything goes, including lying about marital status, age, weight, you name it. Which is why those who have more experience may meet online, but tend to get it offline and into real life via phone and face to face meeting fairly soon.

For someone as knew as you are, I can see how that could be difficult. Do you have a friend you can confide in? Then you would have someone to go with you to meet him for coffee and see if you two have some chemistry.

One thing I will seriously caution you about is becoming someone's sub on the basis of a few email interactions. Would you go steady or consider yourself exclusive with someone after a few email interactions? I bet not. You need to have some getting to know over the phone, a meet, and then a nice lengthy courtship, just as in any other relationship. You may have BDSM chemistry, but are you friends?

You are also need to determine what you are looking for right now. Though your end goal may be a long term relationship, a series of more casual play partners (with or without sex, that's up to you) may be just what you need to explore this new world.

Lastly, you need to educate yourself. Screw the Roses, Give Me the Thorns, The Loving Dominant, and the Ethical Slut can all be found on Amazon and will give you a start.

Also, screw up your nerve to get yourself to a munch. A munch is a meet and greet with other kinksters in your area, in an entirely vanilla setting.

Google munch and your zip code.

Best, Chatte

_____________________________

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 8

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:41:21 PM

tazzygirl

Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline

~FR

Man some really harsh posts lately.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to JanahX)

Post #: 9

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:45:22 PM

shysub4152

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline

On the low end he told me to repeat some phrases each day to myself....on the high end, he told me to clean shave myself. I have done nothing that makes me uncomfortable and he does seem to be willing to be patient in general.

In terms of how he has communicated the DOM title, he said it when asking for my input....as in it is normal for a dom to have the input of his sub. Maybe it's me reading into it...and maybe he is testing me...this came up when he asked me about having a name that only he and I would know.

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 10

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:49:21 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

On the low end he told me to repeat some phrases each day to myself....on the high end, he told me to clean shave myself. I have done nothing that makes me uncomfortable and he does seem to be willing to be patient in general.

In terms of how he has communicated the DOM title, he said it when asking for my input....as in it is normal for a dom to have the input of his sub. Maybe it's me reading into it...and maybe he is testing me...this came up when he asked me about having a name that only he and I would know.

The high end is he told you to clean shave yourself? For what purpose? What could it possibly matter to him if your cunt is shaved or not?

RED ALERT .... RED ALERT .... WANKER DOM !!!
(or we might have a wanker sub here too ----> if that being the case, make beautiful masterbation stains together)

Attachment (1)

< Message edited by JanahX -- 10/2/2011 3:53:02 PM >

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 11

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:54:30 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

On the low end he told me to repeat some phrases each day to myself....on the high end, he told me to clean shave myself. I have done nothing that makes me uncomfortable and he does seem to be willing to be patient in general.

In terms of how he has communicated the DOM title, he said it when asking for my input....as in it is normal for a dom to have the input of his sub. Maybe it's me reading into it...and maybe he is testing me...this came up when he asked me about having a name that only he and I would know.

you have cmail.

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 12

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:58:22 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

On the low end he told me to repeat some phrases each day to myself....on the high end, he told me to clean shave myself. I have done nothing that makes me uncomfortable and he does seem to be willing to be patient in general.

In terms of how he has communicated the DOM title, he said it when asking for my input....as in it is normal for a dom to have the input of his sub. Maybe it's me reading into it...and maybe he is testing me...this came up when he asked me about having a name that only he and I would know.

Do, please explain to me how he is patient? In phone calls? He has you doing things you are comfortable with... okay... thus this thread, right? You are giving him some online sweets, he doesn't need the phone call. He is already trying to isolate you in a sense by using a name only he knows... this spiritual connection of the online set is so fucking impressive. What is also impressive is that you are forty two years old, jump into what some online experienced dom wants you to do... because you like it and then you back track and rethink or examine things, you are bringing on.

Lifestyle or not... you ought to know better. Red flag on you too.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 13

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 3:58:41 PM

shysub4152

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline

Yeah some posts are harsh, but I can take it.

Lockit/Janah X-- Yeah I understand what you are saying about the quick hook up, and I can see your point....but it wasn't my intent. Simply it was a matter of finding an intelligent, stimulating conversation with an attractive man. I have a very inquisitive nature and when I want to learn about something, I just tend to dive right in....mentally. I don't know what's normal and what's not. That is part of my learning process and why I am asking the question..
I'm not trying to tease either and then reserve the DOM title...again, I just don't know.

ChatteParfaitte/ Kaliko--- THANK YOU for your thoughtful responses.

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 14

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 4:45:38 PM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

OP: If he's worth while, communicate you are both new to this and nervous about it, and that while it may seem tedious to him, you need his expectations clearly communicated, as well as the 'where is this going?' talk. After a few days it should be 'interested individuals' for sure. Treat it like any other dating relationship, which you are probably way more familiar with, and introduce the kink side of it slowly.

My first Dom was patient and slow and he didn't expect me to 'obey' anything, he knew how to make things appealing, and that's the whole point of courtship in the beginning, to show your partner-to-be how appealing you are... not to order them to the task and expect them to do it.

If he's good stuff he'll take a more plain approach, one you can understand, if he's only interested in feeding his own fantasies he'll just insist his way is the only way.

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 15

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 5:12:13 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

On the low end he told me to repeat some phrases each day to myself....on the high end, he told me to clean shave myself. I have done nothing that makes me uncomfortable and he does seem to be willing to be patient in general.

In terms of how he has communicated the DOM title, he said it when asking for my input....as in it is normal for a dom to have the input of his sub. Maybe it's me reading into it...and maybe he is testing me...this came up when he asked me about having a name that only he and I would know.

You say you've done nothing that has made you uncomfortable and he is willing to be patient in that regard. Which makes me think he's asked you for more than the shaving, but you refused.

If you met someone on a regular dating site would you think it was ok that he referred to himself in title as your boyfriend before you had ever met him? Would it be ok for this regular dating site prospect to ask you to shave your genitals and possibly do other intimate things? I'm thinking no, you'd have told him to go play in traffic.

So you're new and have questions. There are a lot of people out there that will answer them, just because this guy is, doesn't mean he's the right one for you. Yes, I think it's not a good sign that he seems to be pushing things. There aren't a lot of female submissives out there compared to male Doms, the competition gets fierce at times. He probably saw an opening to get you and took it. However, there is a choice on both of your parts as to who you partner up with, and your input in this is just as important as his.

I think he doesn't sound like your best choice for a partner if he's not considering your end of things and isn't asking you whether or not you'd like to be with him or not. Plus it's faintly ridiculous to refer to himself as your Dom before you have ever met in RL. If you wanted a car wouldn't you test drive one or would you just buy one online sight unseen? To me, it reduces any respect I would have for a prospective Dom if he was willing to take anyone before determining if they would be a match or not. And no....a couple of days of messages isn't enough to see if two people are a match.

< Message edited by lizi -- 10/2/2011 5:13:21 PM >

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 16

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 5:37:48 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

I just started exploring the lifestyle and I have met an interesting man on ALT. We have been emailing for a few days and he has been teaching me alot about the submissive/dominant relationship. I have followed his basic commands or requests, because I am genuinely interested in him and pursuing this lifestyle....however, he has just assumed he is my DOM

I'm guessing that you actually haven't met in real life. So, you're following the orders of someone that YOU DON'T KNOW.

Next, you really have no idea if he's teaching you about D/s relationships because YOU DON'T KNOW HIM. You have no idea who he is or if he even has a clue what he is doing. For all you know he's 50 year old guy, living in his mother's basement, sitting in his stained boxers and T-shirt, while wanking off to the fact that you're following his orders.

Third, he can't be your Dom because YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

Lastly, I would recommend that you find a female sub mentor in your local community. Someone who can help guide you and provide advice that will hopefully prevent you from doing something you'll regret.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to shysub4152)

Post #: 17

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 6:08:55 PM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

Plus (and I know this will hurt some feelings) but the people on ALT seem to be all about sex and only about sex. I would NEVER meet someone on ALT. (but that's just me)

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 6:25:09 PM

shysub4152

Posts: 10
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline

I had no idea there was such a thing as a mentor sub....that sounds like a great idea. Thank you.

I have asked him to clarify for me what his picture of a dominant/submissive relationship looks like and to please be specific... if he is referencing DOM in context of teaching me, or as some kind of test of if I will accept this so early on or not.... and what he is looking for in terms of being on the site, and in his communications with me...even if that is only in the mode of teaching a newcomer.

Thank you all for reminding me that this is just like any other dating experience and that I am still in control until I choose not to be.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 19

RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 10/2/2011 6:25:39 PM

RexDarcy

Posts: 597
Joined: 6/23/2010
From: Arizona
Status: offline

OP, communicate with this guy. Talk to him about amy concerns you have. He isn't your Dom until you have consented to that. If he is experienced and patient like you have stated, he should be open to respectful conversation.

_____________________________

"Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding."

"I am who I am today because of choices I made yesterday."

"To bring the pieces back together - rediscover communication."

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 20

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