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RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/8/2011 12:29:47 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Honeypaws, that was a brave and very personal thing to share. Hugs.

I agree with OsideGirl, the guy is sending out red flags. I think he sounds like a predator. Does it actually get more dangerous than unsafe sex with strangers because I don't remember if he even planned on being there in person for the activities. She could be left to deal with whatever came up with the associates on her own. Plus who is to say that the guy isn't just pimping her out to make a buck? She wouldn't know unless one of the associates told her.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Post #: 41

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/8/2011 1:02:13 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

Thanks Lizi, I figure if I can help one person with what happened to me, then I've succeeded. I've made some really poor personal choices in my life and don't like anyone, especially someone new, being taken advantage of by a so-called Dom who knows she doesn't know much about how things work. I know this might sound ridiculous, but I feel it's my duty to share these horror stories of mine if only to save heartache for anyone who sees it. I'm not trying to change things, there's always those who'll be interested in what this guy has to offer. But to try to pass it off as "usual" and all subs do this, is just wrong on so many levels.

Too many predators taking advantage of someone who doesn't know any better, no matter how old they are. Hell, I was 41 when this happened to me. My safe word was ignored, I paid the ultimate price, no one else was held accountable because I didn't say a thing for months. I eventually became friends with the Domme, and that's when i found out that the guy I'd been with was hardly a friend of hers. He barely knew her, but he lied about it. She was good enough to take me under her wing after that and help me through some very difficult times. I'll always be grateful to her for that, even though the first meeting wasn't "pleasant" to put it mildly.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 42

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/8/2011 6:27:24 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

Yes, I've tried to help in much the same way. I hope by sharing my mistakes that someone may learn- after all, I have learned myself here by reading what others say.

(in reply to tiggerspoohbear)

Post #: 43

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/8/2011 8:03:11 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

DES, I'm going to disagree a little bit. It's not the lending out, it's method in which he's going after it.

This is what raises my red flags:

quote:

ORIGINAL: sephra53
I am new....so new that i haven't even been claimed by this man yet....he says that it is a mere technicality and that he knows that I already feel claimed by him.....it has been 3 months that we have been talking online...texting and e-mailing as well....but no personal contact.....
Regardless of her living situation, it's still possible to meet for vanilla activities. Clearly he's not aiming for that, or he would have suggested it.

quote:

I have questioned this sharing need and it's always the same response
He's ignoring her concerns.

quote:

the unsafe sex with total strangers which he calls his "associates"...is not something that I am comfortable with
He expects her to play sexual Russian roulette. Not to mention he says that they would have a "normal relationship" which makes me wonder if he's had unsafe sex with other women that he's lent out for unsafe sex.

I thought she was the one who wouldn't meet because she doesn't want her mother to know she met a guy online. She said she won't meet him because she's living at home. Which shouldn't preclude meeting for coffee.

And I missed the unsafe sex bit. All I saw was that he gets off on sharing his sub. Not that it had to be done on day one or within any time period. I was responding to the limited info in her first post.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 44

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/9/2011 9:27:07 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I thought she was the one who wouldn't meet because she doesn't want her mother to know she met a guy online. She said she won't meet him because she's living at home. Which shouldn't preclude meeting for coffee.

I think she hasn't been given the choice. He's already got it planned out that she belongs to him and she's so new she doesn't understand that she has the ability to make those decisions.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/9/2011 5:52:36 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

Jesus, I can't make it through a full page for all the put-downs and nonsense. It's not necessarily called "gifting" or anything for that matter. You don't have to fear for your life without a full panel of STD screenings. It doesn't mean you have shitty self esteem. Listen closely: Some people really love hot, wild swinger type sex. Some of those people are in BDSM type relationships. Some times a dominant type has a submissive type and they like to have sex with others and the dominant one "shares" the submissive one because it's what they like. They don't have psychological problems or diseases or any other of a plethora of bullshit issues and problems. They do it because they like it and it works for them. If someone reads all that into it, that's fine. But don't assume any of that crap is the case for ALL who like to share or be shared

.........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to sephra53)

Post #: 46

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/9/2011 8:11:04 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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Are we reading the same thread? How many people said it's how she feels about it that's important?

Hey, I've swung and have lots of friends who are swingers. My problem is that he's planning "the unsafe sex with total strangers which he calls his "associates.""

Just like there's ethical poly, there's smart swinging, and this is not it.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 47

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/9/2011 10:41:21 PM

insertclevername

Posts: 21
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sephra53

I am learning about the lifestyle....and was just wondering if anyone can tell me how common it is for a Dom to want to share his sub ....I believe the term is called "gifting"....I haven't been claimed as of yet and we have been talking for about 3 months now....no physical contact....just talking....there is no persuasion, but he has expressed his need for a sub and one that he will share with other men...I was just wondering if this was common practice....

I think it's not uncommon for a male dom to want to trade subs with another male domme for a bit of fun, but it's highly variable on whether the female sub will go along with it. Some subs make this a hard limit and others exercise veto power over who they are traded to. The more relationship-oriented a sub is the more likely he or she will want exclusivity. I have no hard stats on this, but my sense is it is relatively uncommon.

(in reply to sephra53)

Post #: 48

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/10/2011 2:36:15 AM

subkay2neil

Posts: 11
Joined: 2/29/2008
Status: offline

it is entirely up to you if you want to be shared... I see as a sub you have your limits and if you are uncomfortable doing this then you should say so plus meeting him first would be a starting point.
when i met my Master we spoke about many things but never said yes this is written in stone, once we met we found out and explored what turned each other on, what made us tick and funny enough everything he mentioned or suggested that i turned my nose up at first i found out once doing it i enjoyed it!
i am shared but not very often, its not just to any top. we build relationships up, meet for a few drinks etc as you have to be safe sexually as well as physically. if you Master takes pride in you and cares for you then he should be there the first few times this happens... this may make you feel better or at ease with him there so it could be stopped if you were uncomfortable as he should see the signs that you are struggling. don't forget it is just as more about you than it is him / them
don't make these decisions lightly as once you have done it he may expect you to do it again.
i've always said i'd try something once then if i did enjoy it then i'd go back for more!
i wish you all the best andhope you get what you need in your submission

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 49

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/10/2011 11:02:26 AM

subjan1962

Posts: 52
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline

I think it depends on the dynamic of individual relationships it is neither right or wrong.
in our relationship Master regularly shares me with other men, it pleases Him to see me used by other men and i am happy to serve Him in any way that pleases Him.
He is always present, often holding me as i am used and He always makes sure i am safe. i see it as my duty.

_____________________________

Tortured by pleasure. Pleasured by pain. Liberated by enslavement.

(in reply to sephra53)

Post #: 50

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/10/2011 11:11:52 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

OP - ask him if he is planning to be present and tell him that not using condoms is a hard limit for you.

My personal opinion is that there are no "associates" and he's just getting off on the mind fuck with you.

< Message edited by kalikshama -- 10/10/2011 11:12:31 AM >

(in reply to sephra53)

Post #: 51

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/10/2011 1:12:18 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Are we reading the same thread? How many people said it's how she feels about it that's important?

Hey, I've swung and have lots of friends who are swingers. My problem is that he's planning "the unsafe sex with total strangers which he calls his "associates.""

Just like there's ethical poly, there's smart swinging, and this is not it.

EXACTLY.
i dunno what you're reading, luci, but i think people are miffed about the UNSAFE SEX and not so much with the swinging.
i have lots of friends who swing, but they're smart/safe about it. there's a huge difference.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 52

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/10/2011 6:58:54 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Are we reading the same thread?

I assume so.

quote:

How many people said it's how she feels about it that's important?

Don't know. As I said, I couldn't make it through the first page.........luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 53

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/10/2011 7:01:15 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Are we reading the same thread? How many people said it's how she feels about it that's important?

Hey, I've swung and have lots of friends who are swingers. My problem is that he's planning "the unsafe sex with total strangers which he calls his "associates.""

Just like there's ethical poly, there's smart swinging, and this is not it.

EXACTLY.
i dunno what you're reading, luci, but i think people are miffed about the UNSAFE SEX and not so much with the swinging.
i have lots of friends who swing, but they're smart/safe about it. there's a huge difference.

I'm reading what was written - the first part of a page. I stated that's how far I got. As far as being miffed about unsafe sex, I find that ridiculous. If you don't want to have "unsafe" sex, by all means, do not. Don't be "miffed" if other folks choose to do otherwise. That's all I'm sayin'. Smart and "safe" aren't necessarily synonymous as I've argued to many brick walls here before.......luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 54

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/11/2011 12:20:36 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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Yes, I remember your "living on the edge" stance from http://www.collarchat.com/m_3833366/mpage_1/tm.htm

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 55

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/11/2011 12:46:06 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

I'm reading what was written - the first part of a page. I stated that's how far I got. As far as being miffed about unsafe sex, I find that ridiculous. If you don't want to have "unsafe" sex, by all means, do not. Don't be "miffed" if other folks choose to do otherwise. That's all I'm sayin'. Smart and "safe" aren't necessarily synonymous as I've argued to many brick walls here before.......luci

yes well when it's posted in a sense of "give me advice on this," people are going to give their opinion. amazingly, that's how message boards tend to work.

the guy expects her to have unsafe sex with strangers to prove herself to him, she feels uncomfortable about that, and others agreed. i hardly see what the issue is...............

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 56

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/11/2011 1:03:28 PM

Sunny27

Posts: 140
Joined: 10/9/2010
Status: offline

Yes I don't mind being spanked or flogged. I will only ever have my Dom in sexual incounters. I will use a dildo to penetrate another girl though but thats all!

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Don't too much or too little just be happy with what you've done!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 57

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/12/2011 7:20:57 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sunny27

Yes I don't mind being spanked or flogged. I will only ever have my Dom in sexual incounters. I will use a dildo to penetrate another girl though but thats all!

Have you read the OP's posts at all?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Sunny27)

Post #: 58

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/12/2011 8:17:03 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sephra53

thank you all for your advice, and personal experiences which have helped to make you.....you....as I have said....I am new....so new that i haven't even been claimed by this man yet....he says that it is a mere technicality and that he knows that I already feel claimed by him.

Well, HE says it's a technicality and that you feel claimed by him....... Do you?

It has been 3 months that we have been talking online...texting and e-mailing as well....but no personal contact.

That's about 14 weeks, tops!.......Not really much time with text and email. For many, many people where complicated things like being given to other blokes is concerned, they'd be far further down the line.......like having at least met.

I have questioned this sharing need and it's always the same response....he says that it is for me to experience what I have only fantasized about for so many years.....which yes I have but have never acted upon it.

Most people fantasize about all sorts of depraved stuff. That's why they are fantasies. I fantasize about being fucked by giraffes.......... Erm, it's not likely that I'm heading off to the zoo or the savannah.

I have been in long term vanilla relationships my whole life and he knows this....I have actually lead a pretty sheltered life and have recently wanted to explore my sensuality as I have always wanted to please and serve my entire life.

Nothing wrong with that. I'd recommend chatting and discussing this stuff with a broad range of people, as it's a *recent* thing, rather than with people that are likely to have a big old fantasy of their own.

...the unsafe sex with total strangers which he calls his "associates"...is not something that I am comfortable with and he also has a particular thing for a certain race....and no other....constantly making references as to (not trying to be graphic but it's important)...him wanting to hear me whimper from being stretched.....he says that we would have a normal relationship but that he would gift me to these men for his pleasure and to teach me the paradox of doing something that I was raised to believe was taboo.

I'd have no problem with that, none of it....if it was with MY owner........But the difference is my owner has known me for more than 10 years....flesh to flesh and has a long, caring intimate relationship with me..

...I have always been a decent woman...and I believe he wants me to be a sex slave for his pleasure.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I decided to tell him today that this is certainly not what I am about to get myself into.

There's nothing wrong with that.

I would have done anything to please and serve this man as I thought he was a righteous and caring individual....but now....I believe he is nothing more then a wolf in sheeps clothing that has a fetish and I am the innocent that he wants to give to these men to be tied and used for their pleasure.

No, you WOULDN'T do anything to *please and serve* this man.

You would have done anything to please and serve the man you *thought* he WAS. A few weeks isn't enough time to *know* someone, especi if you're fresh to exploring something new to you.

I guess in reality ....it's a good thing that we never met in person....again ...thank you all once again......

Yes, in reality it is! Maybe spend a bit more time thinking, and talking to people that have no agenda and no desires on you. You'll get a broader perspective that way.

Sometimes we're not aware of what other's are taking from what we are saying....... that's why *time* and context are fairly significant.

Pleasing and serving isn't all about sucking cocks, being handed over to other guys or fantasies and so on, for many, many people.

agirl

_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to sephra53)

Post #: 59

RE: doms who like to share their subs - 10/21/2011 8:55:35 AM

thebeginner

Posts: 15
Joined: 10/19/2011
Status: offline

I'm strictly monogamous, I don't want to be shared, for me thats a hard limit. I know my Sir wouldn't want to share me

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 60

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