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jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:27:10 PM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline 		just a quick explanation for now  - i will go into it in more depth when it's not half two in the morning!

anyhow - i'm ashamed to admit this, but i'm really jealous of my girlfriend's family. i know it's completely daft, yet i can't seem to deal with it.

anyone got any, i don't know - tips i guess, on controlling it?

many thanks

siouxie

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:30:17 PM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline 		Jealous in what way?

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:31:27 PM   
FloridaISIS


Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		siouxie,

Without knowing the reasons behind it I can't provide you with any suggestions yet.
Sleep well for now. Hopefully things will look better in the morning.



(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:44:08 PM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

Jealous in what way?


i think i see them as competition for her love, when i know that there's no way i could ask / expect her to love me more than her family, and that's not what i want anyway.

in part, i guess, i'm jealous of time she spends with them (not every minute she's with them, but when the 'i'm just going round for an hour' turns into three hours), and also (to a greater degree) i worry that they can provide something for her that i can't - i don't know what that something is, but i fear it all the same. it could be money - since she and i don't have a penny to our names at the moment, and yet her parents will buy her things, but i'm really scared that it could be love, even though i love her more than anything.

i know i sound like a bit of a psycho, posessive bitch, please let me try to assure you that i'm not.

i think the fact that i moved out of home as soon as i could, and yet she didn't until 8 months could have a lot to do with it - i'm fiercely independent and very distant from my family, but she's very homely. her parents moved 150 miles away 10 days ago, and she's gone to see them already - which i don't have a problem with, it's just that we haven't been away from each other since we've been together and we discuss absolutely everything - this we didn't, and it hurts, so i guess i'm resenting her family for taking her away from me.  i'm also scared that she might want to move up with them, even though she assures me that she doesn't.

i'm sorry this is so jumbled - i'm not even going to attempt to read back on it.

i hope i don't sound like a complete bitch, i'm just scared i'll lose her (i know, i know - it's her family)

and yes, before anyone says it, i know i should talk about this with her, and i have tried, but for now i need some advice because i'm alone here and going out of my mind with it. (especially as i spoke to her just now and it sounds like she's having a wonderful time with them, whilst i am sat here scared and alone.)

dammit - shut up siouxie.

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now

(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:45:31 PM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FloridaISIS

siouxie,

Without knowing the reasons behind it I can't provide you with any suggestions yet.
Sleep well for now. Hopefully things will look better in the morning.




thank you, you're right.

thank you again,

siouxie

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now

(in reply to FloridaISIS)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:51:14 PM   
MsMacComb


Posts: 808
Joined: 3/30/2005
From: My Mothers womb.
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: siouxie
i think i see them as competition for her love, when i know that there's no way i could ask / expect her to love me more than her family, and that's not what i want anyway.

in part, i guess, i'm jealous of time she spends with them (not every minute she's with them, but when the 'i'm just going round for an hour' turns into three hours), and also (to a greater degree) i worry that they can provide something for her that i can't - i don't know what that something is, but i fear it all the same. it could be money - since she and i don't have a penny to our names at the moment, and yet her parents will buy her things, but i'm really scared that it could be love, even though i love her more than anything.

i know i sound like a bit of a psycho, posessive bitch, please let me try to assure you that i'm not.
i hope i don't sound like a complete bitch, i'm just scared i'll lose her (i know, i know - it's her family)

dammit - shut up siouxie.
 

If you had two kids (or twins) would you love one more than the other? Doubtful.
She can love multiple people in equal but very unique ways. The human heart is capable of a lot of love and affection.
Are you perhaps really having abandonment issues or fears and not so much jealous of her relationship with them?
One thing is for sure. If someone presses an issue like this to far or gives an ultimatum, they don't like the way it will turn out.

_____________________________

Not looking for anyone for anything, any time.

(in reply to siouxie)
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RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:53:48 PM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsMacComb

Are you perhaps really having abandonment issues or fears and not so much jealous of her relationship with them?



probably, i guess the being in tears constantly since she left (yesterday morning) would support that, too

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now

(in reply to MsMacComb)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 6:58:16 PM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline 		In my understanding there's the love for your own family(relatives), and the love you have for your partner(and the little family you create together) you say you're afraid of not being able to give her something that her family might be able to give her..they can never give her the love you have for her, and vice versa.
Some families have very strong connections and of course that means that they spend a lot of time together even though the person has a partner, but she won't leave you to go to them, she's already lived with them, now she went on living with you.
Do you like her family? Maybe if you could go with her and bond with them and see how they relate.
I don't think there's a reason for you to be jealous of her family. Parents are parents..and inlaws can be overwhelming (i can't understand how my mom can put up her inlaw(my grandparents) 'cause they just suffocate you...sounds bad..but it's true)
But like you say, you should bring it up because if you don't discuss it it might become a bigger problem, and I think everybody likes to keep problems as small as possible

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 7:00:32 PM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsMacComb

Are you perhaps really having abandonment issues or fears and not so much jealous of her relationship with them?


Good point

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 7:01:04 PM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

In my understanding there's the love for your own family(relatives), and the love you have for your partner(and the little family you create together) you say you're afraid of not being able to give her something that her family might be able to give her..they can never give her the love you have for her, and vice versa.
Some families have very strong connections and of course that means that they spend a lot of time together even though the person has a partner, but she won't leave you to go to them, she's already lived with them, now she went on living with you.
Do you like her family? Maybe if you could go with her and bond with them and see how they relate.
I don't think there's a reason for you to be jealous of her family. Parents are parents..and inlaws can be overwhelming (i can't understand how my mom can put up her inlaw(my grandparents) 'cause they just suffocate you...sounds bad..but it's true)
But like you say, you should bring it up because if you don't discuss it it might become a bigger problem, and I think everybody likes to keep problems as small as possible



thank you - that puts a lot of it into perspective.  even though it's stuff i already know, it's just reassuring to have another say it.

thanks again.

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now

(in reply to MissyRane)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 7:05:20 PM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline 		i really hope you don't all think i'm a nasty person because of this - i'm not exactly relishing in these emotions, quite the opposite - they're dragging me down.

edited to add - sorry, i'm paranoid too!

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 7:06:12 PM   
FloridaISIS


Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not sure how long you two have known one another?

Family will normally be able to provide more than friends can, not always, but as we know, they provide things friends sometimes can't.
Feeling left out of the loop isn't easy. When she gets back I'd speak with her. Let her know you've missed her, and tell her your feelings, and ask if as her friend there's anything more she may need from you, if there's anything you could do to help deepen the friendship even more?

You could also find out if there's something she's been dying to do that you two haven't explored yet. Try to get the most out of the time that you two have together.

For now and in the future when she's away maybe you could find  things to do that you've been holding off on. Take some classes, read some good books, get a manicure or pedicure, go shopping, etc. Use this time as down time to get in touch with your inner self.
It may be hard, but if you know she's having a wonderful time, why not do the same too. You owe it to yourself to enjoy life.

I think a good heart to heart with her will do a world of good.
I'm no expert, but this is how I'd  personally approach it.

I wish you well
Peace and love,
Isis



(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 7:11:28 PM   
FloridaISIS


Posts: 235
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

Do you like her family? Maybe if you could go with her and bond with them and see how they relate.


Maybe this could an option for you two?

(in reply to MissyRane)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 7:12:20 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Don't be jealous of her family.  They fill a need that you can't.  There is nothing wrong with that, and that doesn't demean you or what you do for her in any way.  There is history and caring there that is different from what you provide.  Be happy for her that she has a loving family to depend on.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to FloridaISIS)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: jealousy - 5/24/2006 10:17:31 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

i really hope you don't all think i'm a nasty person because of this - i'm not exactly relishing in these emotions, quite the opposite - they're dragging me down.


First you really need to communicate how you feel to your partner. Sit down and write a letter to her... sometimes we will say something in a letter we wouldn't normally have the courage to say face to face.

Second, I think it would be wise to explore your abandonment feelings and what exactly is at the root of your fear. I keep a journal... not online, but on my computer. It is password protected and in a hidden folder so it is something that only I can read. Try to write to yourself and explain your feelings. Try to find out what has led you to feel, for lack of a better word, needy. I find it quite helpful sometimes because I write out something and I just stare at the screen and wonder where that came from. Try it. It sure can't hurt and it might give you some insight.

I wish you the best.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: jealousy - 5/25/2006 12:47:06 AM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

i think i see them as competition for her love, when i know that there's no way i could ask / expect her to love me more than her family, and that's not what i want anyway.

in part, i guess, i'm jealous of time she spends with them (not every minute she's with them, but when the 'i'm just going round for an hour' turns into three hours), and also (to a greater degree) i worry that they can provide something for her that i can't - i don't know what that something is, but i fear it all the same. it could be money - since she and i don't have a penny to our names at the moment, and yet her parents will buy her things, but i'm really scared that it could be love, even though i love her more than anything.

i know i sound like a bit of a psycho, posessive bitch, please let me try to assure you that i'm not.

i think the fact that i moved out of home as soon as i could, and yet she didn't until 8 months could have a lot to do with it - i'm fiercely independent and very distant from my family, but she's very homely. her parents moved 150 miles away 10 days ago, and she's gone to see them already - which i don't have a problem with, it's just that we haven't been away from each other since we've been together and we discuss absolutely everything - this we didn't, and it hurts, so i guess i'm resenting her family for taking her away from me.  i'm also scared that she might want to move up with them, even though she assures me that she doesn't.

i'm sorry this is so jumbled - i'm not even going to attempt to read back on it.

i hope i don't sound like a complete bitch, i'm just scared i'll lose her (i know, i know - it's her family)

and yes, before anyone says it, i know i should talk about this with her, and i have tried, but for now i need some advice because i'm alone here and going out of my mind with it. (especially as i spoke to her just now and it sounds like she's having a wonderful time with them, whilst i am sat here scared and alone.)

dammit - shut up siouxie.


The emotion you describe does not sound to me like jealousy....it sounds like your instincts are screaming.  She says "i'll be gone an hour" and returns in 3 hours?  No matter where she went, this sort of behavior is a red flag.
 
As for your fear that she will leave you to return to her family; once again, it sounds as if your instincts have been roused.  You describe yourself as fiercely independent and provide factual statements to back up that claim; while it seems she has not snipped the apron strings and has no plans to do so in the foreseeable future.
 
Finally, she abruptly left to visit her family for an extended time without telling you first, and when she called, it was not to say "i miss you" but rather "i'm having a ball here with my family".  Big red flags.
 
You may well love her, but when P/pl are in different developmental stages or have different relationship goals, T/they generally part company eventually.  If i were in your shoes i'd truely consider ending this relationship as soon as possible.  However, i am a bit older and have made the mistake of staying when i knew it was a lost cause many, many times, so my advice probably won't influence you.
 
My hard-won wisdom is: pay attention to P/pl's behavior and T/their speech; if T/they say one thing but do another, the bulls**t and drama train is generally about to pull into the station.  i'm just not willing to ride it again....ever...but have done, many times, in the past.
 
candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 5/25/2006 12:51:20 AM >

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: jealousy - 5/25/2006 3:38:50 AM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		I am curious. . . are you close to your family?

Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to candystripper)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: jealousy - 5/25/2006 6:54:58 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		In your other post you mentioned that you're terrified of being alone, you've been crying everyday for the past two weeks while your girlfriend has been away and, at 22, you were scared because the landlord was out of the house and you were going to have to be there alone for the night.

Hate to say it- but you really ARE too dependent and insecure when it comes to yourself and relationships right now.

Do you have any idea why you are like this?  What past issues brought this on? 

For now, just work on the little things.  Tell your girlfriend your feelings AND tell her that you know that they are completely irrational.  Remind yourself that you ARE still alive and typing after two weeks alone, that you DID spend a night by yourself and you're ok now.  Work on small goals of independent accomplishment.

The more secure you get with yourself, the less insecure you will get of perceived threats.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: jealousy - 5/25/2006 7:19:39 AM   
siouxie


Posts: 1725
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Southwest UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

In your other post you mentioned that you're terrified of being alone, you've been crying everyday for the past two weeks while your girlfriend has been away and, at 22, you were scared because the landlord was out of the house and you were going to have to be there alone for the night.


Do you have any idea why you are like this?  What past issues brought this on? 




did i say two weeks in a post? it's two days. plus it wasn't the being on my own in the house that scared me (i'm well used to things like that - always have been) it was that weird things were happening- i guess the best way i can phrase it is 'energy-wise' if anybody out there is aware of energy and the ways in which it behaves.

as for the second part - there are an awful lot of past 'issues' that have brought me to being the person i am today and that would explain why rejection / abandonment is such a fear of mine.

_____________________________

[/end sarcasm]

My therapist says that would not be appropriate just now

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: jealousy - 5/25/2006 9:30:42 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		siouxie, one thing I can tell you about families....there are always going to be there for better or worse. Something I can tell you about love, I am 44 years old and have known and loved alot of people in those 44 years. Of all of those people there are only 2....yes TWO!!! that I can honestly say I stopped loving. There is no limit on love, no limit on how many people we can love or how much we can love them. What she shares with her family is different than what she shares with you, its not better or worse, more or less, just a different love. Try and get out of your pain and support the treasure she has, a close family, and I promise that you will also gain from it. If not from her family directly but in your relationship with her. 

(in reply to siouxie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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