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not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 5:32:54 PM

LillyBoPeep

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For those who have been in relationships of some kind with a person who isn't your spouse or significant other, a person who is those things for someone else -

If you aren't really "allowed" to have feelings for someone beyond friendship, what do you do if you think you have feelings like that? Do you leave the relationship? Do you figure out ways to quell the feelings?

I didn't think this belonged in the poly forum, because, to me, poly is about love and this is not.

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 5:59:07 PM

xxblushesxx

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I'd have to get out. I couldn't pretend not to have other feelings, and wouldn't be able to quell them, and I wouldn't want to cause any problems.

I feel for anyone in that situation.

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 6:19:32 PM

HeatherMcLeather

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I agree with Christina, which is why I wouldn't ever let myself get into that sort of situation. When I fall for somebody, I fall HARD! It would just hurt too much to be worth it, so I wouldn't even take the risk.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 6:23:34 PM

nancygirl34652

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i agree with blushes and heather. i am of the firm conviction that being "friends" is impossible if one of the two wants more....at least that is the way it is for me.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 4

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 7:11:41 PM

HannahLynn

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quote:

Do you leave the relationship? Do you figure out ways to quell the feelings?

nah, just get the bitch drunk and take advantage of her.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 5

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 8:00:38 PM

littlewonder

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I would leave the relationship. Before I get involved with someone I tell them straight away that I am seeking love, commitment, long term relationship.

If they can't or won't allow me that then I walk. I have no desire to serve someone as a friend. It just doesn't work that way for me.

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 8:57:28 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

If you aren't really "allowed" to have feelings for someone beyond friendship, what do you do if you think you have feelings like that? Do you leave the relationship? Do you figure out ways to quell the feelings?

I don't get into relationships in which I can not feel and express what comes naturally. It's too difficult and too unhealthy for me to be so suppressed. It took me some significant heartache to learn this about myself, though,but now that I know it, it's a line in the sand for me.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 9:03:08 PM

atursvcMaam

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Don't kid yourself. You may be able to tell yourself the feelings are quelled, but they are more likely to grow and continue. Realise that you are as wonderful as all that, and your partner is a damned fool not to see it, and you are being unfair to yourself and others to keep that hidden. It may take a bit for someone to realize and be ready to give you all of themselves that you deserve, but it is worth the wait, and the effort. Good luck with this, and i do know exacty what a pia that wait, and frustration can be.

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Love ya, but, when the zombies start chasing us, i am tripping you.
The glass is always full, the question is, "with what?"

(in reply to littlewonder)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 9:10:32 PM

Iamsemisweet

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Unrequited love is very painful, and will eventually cause the relationship to fall apart. Sooner or later, no matter how reasonable you are trying to be, anger and resentment will cause you to say or do something you will regret. Maybe the best thing would be to at least take a break, and see how you feel in a couple of months.

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 9:20:41 PM

xxblushesxx

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I'm a little confused, atursvc, are you advising her to allow herself to have feelings for this person when it's already been made clear to her that she is not to?

Are you advising her to wait until this person realizes what a wonderful person she is (which she is) and then leave his/her spouse for her?

This person is (imo) already being an asswipe for suggesting she serve him/her and never ever allow herself to have feelings for him (or her!). They've probably shared many thoughts, feelings and good times (maybe even bad) and it's extremely difficult for someone who is naturally loving not to eventually have those feelings whether she's been forbidden to or not.

I may have misunderstood what you said, or perhaps you were saying it in a more general term, and if so, I apologize for my mini-rant, and hope you'll forgive me. It's just that the way the circumstances were described, I don't see any good coming out of hanging around. I think she'd be better showing her wonderful self to someone who is available already, and can appreciate every bit of her.

eta: (even before posting! *lol*) I'm pretty sure I took atursvc's advice the wrong way, but since I already typed all of this out, I figured I'd put this out here before someone suggests sticking with this person and waiting for them to leave their spouse/so.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 10:05:41 PM

Winterapple

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Sometimes when we respect and
admire someone we can convince
ourselves we are in love with them.
It can be more about wanting to love
someone than loving the actual person.
But even if that was the case I would
take it as an indicator that it was the
wrong sort of relationship for me.
I can see going into a relationship,
eyes wide open, based on the idea
love might not be reciprocal.
But not one where feelings or
expressions of feelings are not
allowed.

_____________________________

A thousand dreams within me softly burn.
Rimbaud

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 11

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/23/2011 10:10:37 PM

tolovetolaugh

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If I cared about someone that much I would rather keep them as a friend myself. Not to be defeatist, but my friends are forever. The men in my life seem to come and go so far. And I would rather have a functional if non sexual relationship, which thereby means no drama springing up.

If you are really worried about it, go on some dates with different guys/girls. You might find it makes the constant thinking of the one you can't have back off a bit, or find someone you like just as much and transfer your romantic focus to.

< Message edited by tolovetolaugh -- 10/23/2011 10:14:54 PM >

_____________________________

That which yields, is not always weak. —
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I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

(in reply to Winterapple)

Post #: 12

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 12:52:29 AM

myotherself

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When I first started to explore my desires in bdsm, I began a relationship with a guy which we both agreed was going to go no further than 'play'.

It went on for a few months, and it was great fun. But then I realised I was developing stronger feelings for him, so I ended it.

It was hard, but we ended on a positive note and nearly 10 years on we are still friends. In hindsight we would have been terrible together in a 'real' relationship, but now we both have new partners and are happy.

So it can be done, but you need to be prepared to end or change things as feelings change.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to tolovetolaugh)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 2:20:19 AM

LillyBoPeep

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For the record, the other person isn't an asswipe, it just seemed like a good idea st the time.
Thanks myo, that was a very similar situation, and this will hopefully be a similar outcome.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 14

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 3:10:27 AM

myotherself

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What made it easier to deal with, and to allow the friendship to continue for so long, was that we were completely honest with each other.

I told him "I'm beginning to fall for you, so I think this is where we stop". He smiled, hugged me and said that was fine. He gave me space for a month or two to get my head sorted, and then we moved on as friends.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 15

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 4:26:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I am not a submissive, but I hope you won't mind My contribution anyway since this came up on another thread.

I think it is not uncommon for some submissives to have stronger feelings for the Dominant than the Dominant might have for the submissive. Before anybody has a fit, please take notice that I did specifically use the word "some". This can be directly attributed to various factors. One of which would be certain types of play. When I take someone to the brink of what they can handle, or even take them a little farther than that to *show* them what they can handle without taking them too far, you really have two different types of emotions going on there. On the submissive side, I am fostering that sense of security, trust, and deep emotional connection because of what they are going through. On My end, My specific primary emotion is pride. Two completely perspectives and one has more emotional tie than the other.

This continues through the process of aftercare (for those who use it). As the bottom is coming back from whatever trauma (for lack of a better word) that they have experienced during play, this can inspire safety, security, and perhaps even a form of dependency. On My end, I'm the caretaker. It is My responsibility to ensure their physical and emotional well being. Again, one side of this can be more emotionally endearing than the other.

In addition, it is also important to remember that in talking about submissives, many submissives have the personality trait of wanting to please. It means the world to them when they accomplish something when they receive praise for a job well done. They may even receive a reward for doing so, which pulls them closer to the Dominant. Again, on the Dominant's side, what you have going is a sense of pride. This is another case where one may have deeper feelings on the matter than the other, and therefore has the submissive feeling more attached emotionally to the Dominant.

The OP does specifically mention that we're talking about those situations that are *not* relationship oriented. These could be dynamics that are based on something of a service based dynamic or even a friendship that includes some play oriented activities. It does not mean that the Dominant does not care about the person, but explains why the submissive may have greater feelings for the Dominant sooner in the arrangement or may even have deeper feelings even in a longer term situation.

I hope I didn't intrude since the OP was specifically asking for the submissive point of view.

_____________________________

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(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 16

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 5:32:36 AM

kalikshama

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The studies below measured 1. changes in cortisol and testosterone and 2. couple bonding. Study 1 showed that bottoms do have a different physiological experience than tops. Since according to study 2, bonding feelings are naturally generated (for both tops and bottoms) through BDSM activities, I think that it is unrealistic to not expect this of a regular play partner.

When my husband and I first split up, I was in no hurry to get into another relationship, and it didn't bother me when I developed feeling for FWB (friends with benefits) and FB (fuck buddies.)

Later, when being in a committed relationship was my goal, I found the lack of reciprocation in these casual relationships unsatisfying and dystonic.

http://www.niu.edu/user/tj0bjs1/papers/scclm09.pdf

Hormonal Changes and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 17

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 7:10:42 AM

LillyBoPeep

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Joined: 12/29/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I told him "I'm beginning to fall for you, so I think this is where we stop". He smiled, hugged me and said that was fine. He gave me space for a month or two to get my head sorted, and then we moved on as friends.

i think that's basically where it's all headed, so i want to head it off at the pass ASAP.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
When my husband and I first split up, I was in no hurry to get into another relationship, and it didn't bother me when I developed feeling for FWB (friends with benefits) and FB (fuck buddies.)

Later, when being in a committed relationship was my goal, I found the lack of reciprocation in these casual relationships unsatisfying and dystonic.

this is very similar; i met this person a ways out from the previous Dude dying, but it was still a time when i was uninterested in anything emotionally complicated. i specifically wanted a friend who didn't want anything committed, and didn't want anything from me.

and i suppose i'm at a point where that's changing, i didn't really imagine things would go the way they have gone. and there's just so much to deal with, and it's so complicated, and i don't want to cause any problems for anyone.

and no, you're not intruding, LadyPact -- that is all important stuff to remember and think about.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 10/24/2011 7:12:27 AM >

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to myotherself)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 8:02:55 AM

DesFIP

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I thought aturs was saying that if you acknowledge how wonderful you yourself are, then you won't settle for such a one sided relationship to begin with.

Beyond that, the only women I've known who, as bottoms/subs, could do such a limited relationship were the ones who were in a loving relationship already and who had their love needs already met. They played with someone else, but with strict rules as to what he could or couldn't control. And her bonding feelings deepened her relationship with her husband because he was the one who did all the aftercare in the case of one who spoke very freely about this.

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(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 8:04:51 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I told him "I'm beginning to fall for you, so I think this is where we stop". He smiled, hugged me and said that was fine. He gave me space for a month or two to get my head sorted, and then we moved on as friends.

i think that's basically where it's all headed, so i want to head it off at the pass ASAP.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
When my husband and I first split up, I was in no hurry to get into another relationship, and it didn't bother me when I developed feeling for FWB (friends with benefits) and FB (fuck buddies.)

Later, when being in a committed relationship was my goal, I found the lack of reciprocation in these casual relationships unsatisfying and dystonic.

this is very similar; i met this person a ways out from the previous Dude dying, but it was still a time when i was uninterested in anything emotionally complicated. i specifically wanted a friend who didn't want anything committed, and didn't want anything from me.

and i suppose i'm at a point where that's changing, i didn't really imagine things would go the way they have gone. and there's just so much to deal with, and it's so complicated, and i don't want to cause any problems for anyone.

and no, you're not intruding, LadyPact -- that is all important stuff to remember and think about.

It is never a good idea to get into a relationship with that after the death of someone. When I say that, I'm assuming that you mean this person is some kind of "play partner." Often, after a death, we feel the need to somehow fill the void and think that having that kind of "relationship" can help do that. As you are now seeing, it does and it doesn't. Evenutally, you become ready to move on and you have shared so much with this person, they seem to be the right one to move on with, and that just can't be.

If you can turn back the clock and just be friends with this person, then go for it. But being able to do that is somewhat rare. You will need to take time away from them and then come back when you have your feelings under control again. If not, they will just continue to grow.

We all want some "life affirming" activity after a death. That is why so many people have sex when someone dies (a family member, not a partner). It reminds us that we are still alive.

I hope you can work this out in the way that is best for you. Let this person know how you feel and just tell him(?) you need to step back from the non-relationship relationship and start to think about moving on with your life.

Good luck.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 20

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