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Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 11:33:17 AM   
hawkdown


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Enthusiasts like me are into the mental piece of domination and submission just as much as the physical aspects. I was exposed to it at a very young age, and it was while I was watching TV. The association of pleasuring myself while watching this show became a fantasy that wouldn't go away...thus, I ventured into the BDSM world years before the movie Deep Throat started the sexual revolution. In those days, there was no internet and many toys hadn't been invented yet. VCR's and movies didn't start to come out until the 70's, and here we are decades later getting tattoos and wearing collars while we openly discuss our cravings.

As easy as it is today to sign up for various sites and attend some cool events, it's still very difficult to find a match, and it isn't because I don't know what I am looking for. I think it has more to do with luck of finding each other with all things considered.

I've had my share of relationships and experiences, but like many others, some of us want a keeper. So if any of you share in that ideal scenario, let's hear it! What has worked best to find the sub/slave you want in your life? Have you ever offered an incentive or reward - cuz I am about at that point where something else needs to be tried.


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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 11:39:17 AM   
LillyBoPeep


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where do you meet people? do you look mostly online and in the kinky community? sometimes branching out and meeting (seemingly) vanilla people works. i met my late Dude on myspace, of all places, and we just sorta fit together. he figured out that i had some pretty serious subbie leanings, and we went from there.
you may find a great match somewhere besides the kink-specific places.

i think if you offer a reward, you open yourself up to people who are with you for the wrong reasons.


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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 11:47:29 AM   
RumpusParable


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Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
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For meeting most, and specifically meeting my Chael, I have just done normal everyday things... going to shops, visiting friends and meeting their friends, the occasional date, etc. Have found that every male I get involved with is submissive to me, through no special manner of searching for them. As I've said elsewhere, they're everywhere, easy to find.

Submissive men are everywhere, easy to find, easy to connect out in everyday life.

Now, I have used Collarme to shop for non-romantic/sexual domestic and other use slaves. And still there are tons of men contacting me just to be weeded out.

Basically it's: Meet a man, decide if I want him, get rid of or keep him. No special work involved, no rewards or incentives.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 11:49:09 AM   
LadyHibiscus


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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable


Basically it's: Meet a man, decide if I want him, get rid of or keep him. No special work involved, no rewards or incentives.


This.^^^^^

Though I don't think *submissive* men are everywhere, I think KINKY men are everywhere.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 11:55:02 AM   
littlewonder


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Same way I found anyone for a relationship.
Bdsm doesn't somehow make it magically easier. It's absolutely the same.

My opinion?? Patience and being the best you possible..not the best dom, not the best sub/slave...just the best you...a person who lives with integrity, honesty, intelligence, skills, etc...



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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 1:29:36 PM   
MissImmortalPain


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I met my first "dom" friend in a hardware store. I met my first "sub" friend at a football game. I met my first "pet" in a bar. I met my current livein in a chat room years ago. There are kinky folk everywhere. As I often tell others this kind of realationship really isn't that different than any other realationship....it is about you having something to offer to someone else more than it is about finding someone that wants you. And in the long term that really is the matter. There has to be something about you that draws someone to you.

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We must all go through a right of passage,and it must be physical, it must be painful,and it must leave a mark.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 2:20:02 PM   
Forest101


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I met someone off eHarmony of all places, after a couple of meetings we realized we were both into kink and it went from there. Sometimes looking in more than just the obvious places helps.

But it still comes down to finding someone you are compatible with that you can live with and who can live with you in return.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 3:39:57 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hawkdown




I've had my share of relationships and experiences, but like many others, some of us want a keeper. So if any of you share in that ideal scenario, let's hear it! What has worked best to find the sub/slave you want in your life? Have you ever offered an incentive or reward - cuz I am about at that point where something else needs to be tried.






The ABSOLUTE best way to meet da bitches... Well first you gotta be a Zappa Fan then all da ho's ya meet you tell em you adore da Z man ... say something bout 40 bucks and Dinah Moe Hum... Works every time!

Disclaimer: if it dont work either your not a True fan or you could be a lamer juz saying

For all you wankers that are not Z fans... check out the link so you cant say you missed the memo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRwGqf2glDs

BadOne


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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 4:39:25 PM   
LafayetteLady


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Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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You might try being a little more realistic. Your profile says you are 48 years old, and that you "discovered" BDSM "years" before Deep Throat. Dude, when Deep Throat came out in 1972, you were 9 years old. So you had no idea what "toys" were available, and as for television, cable was not even widely available.

If you are going to try to say how long you have been into this as a method of attraction, at least be honest about it. Because what works best is a no bullshit, honest approach. If you stop trying to impress people with your supposed "exposure" at an early age, do the math and come up with something realistic.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 5:21:47 PM   
hawkdown


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I am realistic, and as for the age thing, I think that's one of the problems. I met one gal and was in a relationship with her for a couple of months - she liked older guys. My luck lately hasn't been so good, and the women I've had relationships with all start out fine, but the reality of it is that they have an underlying age issue. Whatever, it's all getting to be bullshit anymore with drama, games, or some sort of agenda.

As for Deep Throat, yes I saw it, but not when I was 9. It came out just before I turned 21. The taboo subject of BDSM was a problem in those days, but today it's getting to be more main stream. The relationships I've had all involved some level of kink, but in the end, it wasn't that which caused me to dismiss every one of them. It was stupid shit involving immaturity, drama, lies, broken promises or games. They all knew my true age, and I never lied to them. I changed my age on here just to see if that would make a difference, and it didn't. So that's it.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 5:36:45 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hawkdown

I am realistic, and as for the age thing, I think that's one of the problems. I met one gal and was in a relationship with her for a couple of months - she liked older guys. My luck lately hasn't been so good, and the women I've had relationships with all start out fine, but the reality of it is that they have an underlying age issue. Whatever, it's all getting to be bullshit anymore with drama, games, or some sort of agenda.

As for Deep Throat, yes I saw it, but not when I was 9. It came out just before I turned 21. The taboo subject of BDSM was a problem in those days, but today it's getting to be more main stream. The relationships I've had all involved some level of kink, but in the end, it wasn't that which caused me to dismiss every one of them. It was stupid shit involving immaturity, drama, lies, broken promises or games. They all knew my true age, and I never lied to them. I changed my age on here just to see if that would make a difference, and it didn't. So that's it.



You turned 21 in the 80s, long after the movie. So what you are saying is that you are lying about your age here and you are actually at least 10 years older. Again, start with HONESTY, and no bullshit games.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 5:53:01 PM   
littlewonder


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eerr..if you had an age problem with the women....here's a revelation...choose women your own age.




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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 6:02:43 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
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While BDSM is definitely more mainstream and accepted than it was back in the day,
that in no way should imply that it is any easier to find that elusive perfect match.
In many instances it is actually more of a hindrance, as you are now in steep competition
with men that we submissive women wouldn’t have even knew existed except
for the conveniences of the internet.

Instead of offering a reward or an incentive, become the reward. You may be able to attract
some women by dangling a carrot in front of them, but once that’s been chewed
on for a bit, how will you sustain the relationship? Also, being dishonest about personal
information such as your age is a horrible way to start off any relationship,
and worse still for a relationship that requires a great deal of trust to survive.

If your experiences of late have been with women that seem to have an issue with
your age, than perhaps its time to expand your age preferences and seek women
that are close to that age bracket themselves.

< Message edited by poise -- 10/27/2011 6:03:00 PM >


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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 6:49:39 PM   
EmilyRocks


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Joined: 5/5/2011
Status: offline
quote:

I ventured into the BDSM world years before the movie Deep Throat started the sexual revolution
Well unless you're lying about your age on your profile, you're lying here, because that would make you 9 when Deep Throat came out. Go directly to jail, do not pass GO, do not collect $200.

quote:

It came out just before I turned 21.
I see you countered the obvious with more bullshit. So are you 48 or 60? Which is it?

My advice for finding a keeper is to bullshit less, or at least get good at it.

< Message edited by EmilyRocks -- 10/27/2011 6:53:12 PM >

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 7:02:14 PM   
binewsub48125


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Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline
my dom and i met off of pof. after a few dates we started talking about having sex so i took the risk of opening up to him about my interests. found out that he was actually a live in slave at one time lol!

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 7:21:44 PM   
anniezz338


Posts: 1183
Joined: 8/17/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: hawkdown

I am realistic, and as for the age thing, I think that's one of the problems. I met one gal and was in a relationship with her for a couple of months - she liked older guys. My luck lately hasn't been so good, and the women I've had relationships with all start out fine, but the reality of it is that they have an underlying age issue. Whatever, it's all getting to be bullshit anymore with drama, games, or some sort of agenda.



Ok, that was very telling. Getting younger women is great and all and in some relationships, it works out great. But a full generation gap can leave very little to communicate with sometimes. Just for kicks, try changing your age range search :)

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 7:39:26 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

I've had my share of relationships and experiences, but like many others, some of us want a keeper


I met some fun play partners here, but I met the guy I'm now living with on okcupid.

(Tip - I used to do keyword searches on OKC for profiles with "dominant," "assertive," or "alpha.")

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 8:25:28 PM   
Killerangel


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Joined: 8/3/2010
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I'm getting the feeling about something after reading your posts and your profile - you might not be getting lucky because you seem to be putting sex up front, this turns off many women faster than a speeding bullet. If you are looking for a match then look for a woman, not a vagina. This site and others like it are centered around sexuality, however, women aren't as particularly fixated on that as men are, and they want to be approached as women first.

A word about the age falsification...however you justify it, it's not a good quality to be dishonest. Especially when  you are looking for someone who will be giving you an incredible amount of trust. I often never give people a second chance if they show themselves to be dishonest before we've ever even met. Just a thought. You never get a chance to redo a first impression. If I am talking to a Dom and I get any whiff that he's less than honest I bail. I lose any interest I ever had, who knows when he'll be less than upfront with me in the future?

< Message edited by Killerangel -- 10/27/2011 8:26:07 PM >

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/27/2011 11:32:49 PM   
lthrpup


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Collarme does not automatically update your age. You need to change it yourself on the edit profile page. Sadly, it reminds you that you were along for the ride as the planet spun around the sun one more time. Or you can look at the bright side: it will remind you to get your birthday spanking.

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RE: Assertive - Taking One - Control - 10/28/2011 1:57:40 AM   
hawkdown


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Joined: 5/14/2011
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OK, alright already....I corrected my age to reflect the truth. I still don't think it will make a difference. I can tell you that I am on other sites, and it doesn't seem to make a difference. Some of the women who have messaged me are older, but the ones who have initiated the contact are just not my cup of tea. Sad, but true in all of the cases. The ones who were closer to my age that I was attracted to didn't pan out, but I can count those on one hand....very few and far between.

There is an old rule for guys that many haven't heard about. It goes something like this....half our age, plus seven. So if he is 24, she would be around 19. If he was 40, she would be around 27. And for me, it's around 35. And of all the women I've dated or have been in relationships with, they were all under 35.

I agree with what many of you have wrote here, and thank you. There is plenty of good advice and opinions, and I respect each one of them. The reward thing I talked about was more of a stab at the extreme, and yes, I realize that if you have to offer a reward, it won't be for the right reasons for any relationship to get off the ground....BUT, (and there's always a butt!), I've tried everything on numerous sites, and what it comes down to is age, plain and simple.

Some people have told me..."go hang out at the store, you'll meet women there." I can just see myself hanging around the yogurt isle while security watches on camera. I've gone to Starbucks, been at numerous nightclubs, and in nearly one year, I've dated 8 different women of which 4 of them I had a relationship with. One of them was 21, and she actually really liked me...but cried one day when we were at the park sitting on a bench watching the children play. I knew what it was...she was thinking about how different I was as compared to the younger stallions who were immature, played video games all day, lived at home with their parents, and couldn't be trusted in a relationship. She saw what she liked in me, but she cried because I would be way too old by the time the kids would attain teen years. I suggested we see and psychologist to help us sort through our age dilemma, and it was the best thing...because I didn't want to hurt her or break it off. Instead, the shrink helped us come to an understanding on neutral ground, and if it were just discrete dating, that would be one thing. If it lead to marriage, that would be difficult because of the huge generation gap, peer pressure, friends, and family. But if lead to children, that would be unrealistic and very difficult for her, the kids, and everyone else in our lives. We mutually agreed to do the right thing, but at least she knows the difference and what a real relationship is all about. Yes, she knew how old I was - I told her the first night we met.

I guess I deserve a spanking for saying I was 48, but then again, what femdom would bother now. I think it would be an interesting twist to have a femdom in my life, although I think a switch scenario describes it better. I think many women enjoy the opportunity to turn their man on in their own way, and if he knows she gets into it once in a while (even though she is sub and he is dom) and enjoys the control; the tease; anything that she knows will drive him nuts for her, I think that's not only fair, but wise to let her experience it. It's healthy, and it's natural for many relationships to take turns and work on the other, yet it is also not natural nor feels comfortable to others. Either way, it's whatever both want to do.

Maybe 2012 will be a better year for me, but 2011 has been a huge disappointment. BTW, the local munches here are hopeless, and there are no local events that attract singles. It always seems to be subs with their doms, or single doms, but rarely do I see single subs. When I see single subs on fetlife, they are usually connected with "under the protection of", or something like that. A good percentage of the single subs don't always specify an age preference, so when I make contact, right away it's an issue....why not just say that in their profile, and I wouldn't bother. I hate that when I make contact and am polite, don't talk about sex at all, yet the first turn off mentioned is "your old enough to be my dad....go away." It's so immature not to put something in a profile with regard to preferences, only to have that person shoot you down like a rabid dog when you initiate a conversation.

Again, all these stupid games are a waste of time and immature, and yes, even 40 year old women have pulled this stunt on me, go figure.

Well, signing off for tonight...I'll check back later. Thanks again.





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